When does jealousy become a MH issue?

[opalescent]

So much has happened, but I don't have the energy to give a full overview, but here are the bare bones.
Dp suffers with extreme jealousy, and I have a feeling that it has been a feature of his previous relationships too. He particularly obsesses over the past (as in, my previous partners etc.), and gets into terrible vile moods on a regular basis, where he makes the house environment unbearable. Generally these moods will culminate in a huge row, where I tell him how untenable this is, threaten to leave, and he becomes remorseful, we make up, and things return to (an uneasy) normality.
His jealousy creeps into all aspects of our life, and when I think about it, I have modified my life in so many ways to fit around it. I'm frightened of the future, and feel stifled.
I don't know who I am anymore, I feel full of self doubt.
Aside for this issue, we are incredibly close and intimate. He is a committed and supportive partner, and a lovely dad to our baby.
He's had counselling. It helped at the time, then wore off.
He can be nasty and verbally abusive when he's in the grip of an 'episode'.
I've lost all my confidence.
We are so financially entwined :(
I don't know what to do, but would appreciate your thoughts...

I'm sorry opal. I don't know if it is a mental health problem or not. Psychosis and paranoia are genuine conditions. But no mental health issue makes it ok for him to treat you like this. It's not normal.

You need to get away. In the meantime withdraw emotionally and remember you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I'm so angry with myself for not making him leave last night. I have given him carte Blanche to behave however he likes. And made myself look weak and pathetic. I didn't used to be this person.

Don't be so hard on yourself. When you are a loving, kind person who likes to help others; someone who doesn't like confrontation and prefers to work out a reasonable, amicable solution, it's very very hard to deal with someone like this. They have an MO that's about as different to your own as it is possible to get and it wrongfoots you at every turn. It's very very easy to get blindsided by it and find yourself losing control. It doesn't make you weak and pathetic. It makes you a kind, reasonable person who's had their best attributes used against them.

But now you can see what's happening, you'll realise that the only solution is to not engage. As soon as you engage you're opening yourself up to that manipulation, and he's had a lot more practice at it than you've had at defending yourself against it. You have to remove and engage only over practicalities - preferably in writing so that you have chance to consider your responses.

AS for his MH. I'm not a Dr so I'm not qualified to say, but I think he's just an everyday abuser. He may feel bitter towards a large number of people, but it's quite telling that it's only you who has to put up with his behaviour expressing those feelings, and that it all seems to centre on you in relation to other men. Whatever the cause, he has given himself permission to treat you as less than others. That's not on.

I think you should stop wasting your time thinking this is a damaged man that you can cure. This is a nasty man that you need to get away from.

It is extremely hard to deal with him, yes. As you say, his behaviour is so outrageously nasty and unreasonable, that I feel like I'm losing my mind. Cogito, yes, you're right,

I suspect I am right. By trying to designate it a MH issue you put his behaviour into the untouchable realms of - it's an illness, he needs therapy and he can't help himself. If you reject a man with MH you worry that you'll be seen as a heartless bitch by others, kicking a sick man when he's down and other such bollocks.

My point is that whether it's a MH issue or whether it's emotionally abusive behaviour you have no obligation to stick around waiting for him to find a cure, ruining your life in the process. Your safety and wellbeing takes priority.

Has he has previous partners? How about speaking with him about how he would feel if the tables were turned??

It sounds as if this is very unhealthy, you sound so miserable OP.

So? are you just gonna continue to live with him? This can't continue can it?

I used to live with a man like this, he even accused me of having sex with my step father! took me years to get away but absolutely worth it in the end. He manipulated me so much that I didn't even know what I thought anymore.
I had low self esteem and was co dependent on him, I didn't believe that I could live without him.
It will be really difficult at first but stay strong, you are so lucky to have a supportive family let them know what is going on and get them to remind you of what he is like when you are waning.
I wish you good luck with everything, Here's to a new happier life x

look if it is mh he needs serious treatment and you cannot treat him - profressional help is needed. you cant live with him in the meantime. he needs to go away.

if it is personality and he cant change then you cant live with it either.

either way - have him leave and mean it - separate even if you tell yourself it's temprorary; make it long enough that he can seek help or he can decide not to. then you have your answer.

Wow Leverette, lucky for you that he tried it on with someone who could see him for what he was and wasn't afraid to intervene! Hope you thanked her.

Such a shame that you didn't feel strong enough to stick to your guns Opal, but I'm sure there will be plenty more opportunities

I agree that labelling it doesn't matter, emotional abuse/MH issues/OCD - who cares?!

I think he believes he deserves someone 'untouched' WTF?!

Unless you can invent the time machine, you will never be good enough for him in his eyes. The man is a loon.

Oh god leverette that is so chilling. I have said many times that I think he has 'madonna/whore' issues. I'm scared now. I think your ex does sound exactly the same.

How did your break up play out? Did he get nastier? I feel like that's where things are heading.

Shotofexpresso, I'm sorry I missed your questions! I have MANY times turned the tables, and tried to make him see how bizarre his double standards are. But he is totally unable to take this on board or see the hypocrisy of it. And you are right. It absolutely cannot go on. I feel like I'm suddenly seeing the whole situation for just how awful it is..

"But he is totally unable to take this on board or see the hypocrisy of it. "

He is able to see it but he doesn't care. His tactics get him the life he wants so why change?

Quite right cogito.

opalescent, if he had MH issues and pulled a knife on you as a result, would that mean you should stay with him because he's ill? Of course not, it would be dangerous.
The way he's treating you is not physically dangerous but it is dangerous for your own mental health. You can't live this this. You have committed no crime and you don't deserve to be scrutinised and imprisoned. Tell him yes, you DO want him to go, that it IS over.

And just wanted to say, if you don't manage it this time, that we will all still be here for you.

Leverette, sadly, I doubt if you'll find the initials are the same. I don't have a huge circle of friends but even I can think of three friends who ended up with someone chillingly like this. One is still with the guy.

opal, have you ever read this?