Leaving a good man - Update - now I'm having an affair

[LucyH28]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1791303-Leaving-a-good-man
I posted a few weeks ago and about issues with my husband and received a lot of really good advice. The situation is now even more of a mess and although I don?t deserve it I was hoping people would help talk some sense into me again.

I ended up sleeping with the other man, on several occasions. I know full well what an awful person that makes me. The first time I felt horrendously guilty but not enough to stop me going back and to be honest I can?t believe how relatively easy it has been for me to cope with doing this. It's so out of character for me.

I've developed really strong feelings for the other man. We've stayed up talking most of the night each time and lying there in his arms and waking up with him has made me so happy.

I know this sounds backwards but I had been trying the counselling with my husband still but we didn't seem to be getting anywhere with working through either of our issues. I know that having an affair won?t have helped! However last weekend I told my husband it was over and he was upset and said he loved me and didn't want that but then he started looking at flats within 15 minutes! Then on Sunday morning I was staying at a friends and I woke up feeling like my heart was literally breaking in my chest. I then told my husband that maybe there was a little bit of hope but that I needed him to fight for it. He has no fire in him at all and I?m not prepared to fight this time like I always have in the past, which is why we have ended up here.

He?s now trying a bit harder but I look at him and I feel like I love him but I?m not at all attracted to him and I feel in order to move forward with him I would have to force myself to fancy him again. I've ruined it for myself by sleeping with the other man as I find him incredibly attractive and it?s a horrible comparison. The sex was amazing and I can?t even remember the last time I had anything half decent with my husband so it?s clouding my thoughts.

I've called things off with the other man but he is all I can think about. I just don?t know why I can?t find the guts to end my marriage. I would never tell my husband about my affair as it would devastate him, he?s always loved that we've only slept with each other. Although a terrible part almost wants to so the decision to end it is taken out of my hands. I just don?t seem to be able to deal with the guilt of ending it. I keep coming back to the fact that I loved my husband so much and I can?t understand how it all ended up like this. Everyone cried at our wedding as they knew how in love we were, I used to feel like if I lost him I wouldn't even be able to breathe anymore. I?m really struggling to deal with how much my emotions have changed and it?s making me doubt myself for wanting to leave.

You lost me when you told your DH that there may be some hope and he had to fight for you.

You don't sound like a prize I'd like to win in any fight.

Your affairs are for your conscience to deal with but to mess around with his feelings after the fact and after telling him it was over is cruel.

Let him go, he deserves to be happy.

I think there is no going back from this to be honest. You don't love your dh anymore. You both deserve to find someone who is the first person you both think about - and that doesn't sound like it's him for you.

Feeling sad about the end of a marriage is normal but it doesn't mean that ending it isn't the right decision.

Also, you now have a big elephant in the room - the affair. I don't think you will ever be able to move on from that big secret.

I think you need to be on your own for a long while and find out what you really want long term and in a new partner. Don't make the mistake I made and jump into an unsuitable relationship just because he is everything your ex is not.

The reason I said that to him is because before we were married we split up and I did all the pushing to get us back together. Also we've had issues over his ED and have had almost no sex life for the past 3 years, I've felt like the one who has been fighting to save the marriage whilst he stuck his head in the sand.
I know I don't deserve any sympathy now that I've cheated. I guess maybe I am posting here because I need to process what I've done. My 2 closest friends know everything and are trying hard not to judge me so maybe I'm not getting the talking to that I need.

Your poor husband. YOU have given up on your marriage, and you want HIM to fight for you?!

Can't you see that you are comparing a long-term relationship with all the fire and passion of a new, illicit fling?

Your husband doesn't stand a chance.

You CAN'T have your cake and eat it.

You need to leave. And you need to tell him about your affair. Because you both need time to think about this, and because it will give him all the information he needs to make an informed choice about his future, with or without you.

You owe him that, at least.

You have already made the decision to leave. This agonising you are doing is just playing out a fantasy drama in your own head. Your husband would leave you if he knew the truth, and when he finds out the hurt and damage you have caused will become apparent. I don't want to be horrible as you're obviously struggling, but I think in all honesty, you're being by asking your H to 'fight harder' in the context of how far you have checked out of your marriage. He's not got anything left to fight for and it's really unkind of you to make this situation his problem to fix. It isn't.

It's also very typical of people who have affairs to transfer responsibility to the partner they have cheated on. And the gold standard advice to the cheated partner is that they have done nothing to make their partner choose to have sex with someone else. That doesn't mean that your H isn't responsible for any of your marital problems, but you are solely responsible for your extra marital sex. Which has effectively ended your marriage as you knew it. I'm sorry, but I think the kindest and most adult thing you can do now is end it with your H and get some serious counselling for yourself around your expectations of relationships so that you come to terms with all the mixed emotions you are feeling right now.

Good luck

You should sell tickets on.yourself. I hope your husband finds happiness with someone who deserves him.
There will be lots of OW/cheats along in a moment to validate your behaviour so you can ignore all the nasty people who just don't 'get' you.

Why are you telling us all this, it's narcissistic crap? Stop whining and grow up.
Let your husband find happiness elsewhere and stop lying to him and pissing him about. You are bored with the good man so go, you will find plenty of men willing to scratch your itch.

Reading your previous posts it seems clear that your H must have some issues with sex- he was a virgin at 27 ( did he ever tell you why?) and within 4 years of being together he developed ED. I don't know how much you know about ED but for men his age it's 99% likely to be psychological- he's too young to have problems with blocked arteries , so unless he's taking ADs or smokes or is diabetic, there is something going on in his head that's the cause of the ED.

Maybe he is simply asexual or has a very low sex drive.

You got together when you were very young- and you are still young now! One of the risks of making a commitment so young is that what you want changes and who you are changes too.

What attracted you to him initially?
Can you feel any of those feelings now?
Why do you call him a 'good' man- what does good mean to you?

From what you say above, it sounds as if your H is resigned to splitting- if he has no fire ( and I know what you mean by fighting for you- you want a demonstration of emotion) then maybe he wants to end the marriage too.

You have as you say made this a whole lot worse for yourself because the great sex with this other guy just muddies the water.

You might end with a new man who gives great sex but is a bastard.

Do you actually like your H? If the sex was good would you want to stay with him?

how horrible that youve decided to fuck someone else instead of being honest and telling him its over before going elsewhere. Cheap, gross and dishonest.

I think you're right to take the om out of the equation.
It sounds like you do love your h but something has gone a miss and you find this in the om?

I think you should work on finding what that is. What if you do leave your h to find that om isn't what you thought, or things with him end up feeling like they do now with your h.

You need to let your husband go! Telling him he had to fight to keep you is rather odd. You obviously feel you must be wanted. Let him go and find someone who will love him for who he is.

doesnt matter if the OM turns out to not be all that. Its done now.

Can I just be clear that I haven't posted to get people to come along and validate my behaviour as suggested above. I feel like my friends are doing that already and I've posted as I know I need a reality check.

I fell completely in love with him my husband as a person and I was deeply attracted to him. He is the kindest most patient person who would do anything for anyone. He was my best friend as well as my husband and I was so happy spending time with him. I just feel like the lack of intimacy wore it all down.

I feel that if we had kept the spark going with our sex life everything would have been fine. I just lost hope as the eventual result of his ED issues was that I lost interest and had no clue how to get it back.

Let him go. Be on your own for a bit.
He doesn't want to address the ED issue and you want more than a companion, therefore the marriage is untenable.
End it. Take the guilt for your part in its demise.
You'll cheat again if things stay as they are.

OM makes me feel attractive and wanted. It will sound incredibly shallow but my husband hasn't made me feel like that for years. I've felt loved but not wanted or desired. My husband would say the right things but his actions were the complete opposite and the lack of sex made me feel horrendous. I did tell my husband this on multiple occasions. It doesn't excuse it but I said that I felt our marriage would die one day if we didn't fix our issues. I didn't do this from no-where, I know that doesn't make it right.

do you realise it's all academic now though? You can't build a loving and trusting relationship with him again because you would be hiding a massive, massive betrayal. Your only choices are to leave him kindly and not tell him, or tell him and hope that he forgives you and solves all his problems with you.

I fell completely in love with him my husband as a person and I was deeply attracted to him. He is the kindest most patient person who would do anything for anyone. He was my best friend as well as my husband and I was so happy spending time with him. I just feel like the lack of intimacy wore it all down.

This was all when you were 17- yes? You were merely a child.
He was 10 years older- was he a father figure?

Was the sex ever good?

If not, it's unlikely you will get it back if it wasn't there to begin with.

Sometimes men who are virgins late in life have reasons for this. I know because I had a partner who was a virgin very late in life ( I was his first) and we had sexual issues that didn't work out, due to his ED, so in the end I left.

If you have tried all you can and had professional help- and he is not interested in dealing with his sexuality and issues- then you have IMO to leave.

So just accept you're incompatible. You want a sexual relationship and it seems he does not, for whatever reason. It's sad but that seems to be the main issue. I am not sure (said as someone with a low sex drive myself) that you can fix it with counselling or medication. Some people are just disinterested in sex.

However, bear in mind that in any relationship the first 6 months - a year are all about leaping in each other's pants at every opportunity. And then it does wane to a degree. However, to how much all depends on the base line sexual appetite of the people involved. What I'm trying to say is you could let a good long term partnership go for the sake of the flurry of a new sexual relationship that eventually boils off and turns into something worse than this (or another long term relationship ).

He probably was a father figure although I didn't see it at the time. I had a very emotionally abusive childhood and felt I was worth being loved, I was told every day that I wasn't. I couldn't believe that someone like him would love me.

He insists that he does want to sort the sex life issues out and that he thinks the only way is through counselling. That's why I've been trying to stick around and go to counselling with him but even without the OM I don't see how counselling will fix it. It would almost be easier if he did just admit that he has a low sex drive or something. Sex was good for the first few years.

You can't just choose not to tell your H about the sex with an OM and then hope you can somehow make the marriage work imo.

It's supposed to be based on trust and honesty. This was not some drunken blip, best forgotten. Your behaviour is totally enmeshed with the problems you're having in your life and marriage. It's part of the problem as well as being a symptom of the problem. How can your husband ever live up to this fantasy you're having when he doesn't even know about it?

If he's got any sense, he won't want to live up to it when he finds out.

You have to be totally honest (again, imo at least) and then if that is the end of the marriage - well what does that tell you? It's just not working is it?

Lack of sex kills most relationships eventually (or at least drives one partner to look for it elsewhere), DH sounds more like a friend than a husband. Go your own ways.

As others have said, I really don't get the whole he had to fight for me bit.

Usually, when one person in a relationship decides on a split and they finally get up the courage to tell their partner then they have already moved on from the relationship mentally by that point.

So, there is nothing for the other person to actually fight for - they've already lost.

Personally, from your OP you seem to be rather cruel in teasing him like this.

Although, it's probably far too late for this there are a number of things that you can do to help with ED in younger men.

A good sex life is the glue that keeps a marriage solid, you haven't had one for a number of years. Unless your DH has some intensive therapy to get to the bottom of his ED it could be a very long time before your marriage is back on track. What was your sex life like before his problems?

I think realistically your marriage has died but only you can decide if it's worth getting it back to what it was and whether that's good enough for you. Sub-consciously you will have bitterness and resentment towards your DH because he hasn't been responding to you as a sexual being. The OM awoke your desires to be sexual again but you need to decide if you can see yourself with DH in say 30, 40, 50 years time if he cant get past his sexual problems. I think deep down you know the marriage is over but your are just buying time before the eventual split.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to feel desired and have sex!
But end the marriage so you can do this without causing more hurt.
There is no magic wand to wave here. He hasn't addressed the issue for years, actions speak louder than words. You can end the marriage, you don't need permission.
You ARE worthy of love and so is your husband.

Of course she can choose not to tell the H about the OM- everyone has a choice though it may not be one you condone.

There are plenty of relationships where things hit the rocks, and then the couple managed to get back on track.

If she chooses to tell him and If he really loves her he may very well be willing to forgive one indiscretion , which happened at a time when they were discussing separation. Some partners can forgive and marriages can continue.

OP- if you really want your marriage to work then you need to put the ball in your Hs' court re. therapy. I don't know what kind of therapy you are having but he needs psychosexual therapy- there is a register of sexual therapists- just google.

In your position I'd suggest this to him, maybe show him the website, then leave it to him. Don't remind him, don't nag. Then if he does nothing, that's your answer.

In the meantime maybe have some solo counselling to help you talk about this fling, and whether it is something you ever need to tell him.

I know not everyone agrees in keeping these things quiet, but sometimes it is a case of least said soonest mended- you'd have to live with it.