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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving a good man - Update - now I'm having an affair

95 replies

LucyH28 · 27/07/2013 09:56

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1791303-Leaving-a-good-man
I posted a few weeks ago and about issues with my husband and received a lot of really good advice. The situation is now even more of a mess and although I don?t deserve it I was hoping people would help talk some sense into me again.

I ended up sleeping with the other man, on several occasions. I know full well what an awful person that makes me. The first time I felt horrendously guilty but not enough to stop me going back and to be honest I can?t believe how relatively easy it has been for me to cope with doing this. It's so out of character for me.

I've developed really strong feelings for the other man. We've stayed up talking most of the night each time and lying there in his arms and waking up with him has made me so happy.

I know this sounds backwards but I had been trying the counselling with my husband still but we didn't seem to be getting anywhere with working through either of our issues. I know that having an affair won?t have helped! However last weekend I told my husband it was over and he was upset and said he loved me and didn't want that but then he started looking at flats within 15 minutes! Then on Sunday morning I was staying at a friends and I woke up feeling like my heart was literally breaking in my chest. I then told my husband that maybe there was a little bit of hope but that I needed him to fight for it. He has no fire in him at all and I?m not prepared to fight this time like I always have in the past, which is why we have ended up here.

He?s now trying a bit harder but I look at him and I feel like I love him but I?m not at all attracted to him and I feel in order to move forward with him I would have to force myself to fancy him again. I've ruined it for myself by sleeping with the other man as I find him incredibly attractive and it?s a horrible comparison. The sex was amazing and I can?t even remember the last time I had anything half decent with my husband so it?s clouding my thoughts.

I've called things off with the other man but he is all I can think about. I just don?t know why I can?t find the guts to end my marriage. I would never tell my husband about my affair as it would devastate him, he?s always loved that we've only slept with each other. Although a terrible part almost wants to so the decision to end it is taken out of my hands. I just don?t seem to be able to deal with the guilt of ending it. I keep coming back to the fact that I loved my husband so much and I can?t understand how it all ended up like this. Everyone cried at our wedding as they knew how in love we were, I used to feel like if I lost him I wouldn't even be able to breathe anymore. I?m really struggling to deal with how much my emotions have changed and it?s making me doubt myself for wanting to leave.

OP posts:

FrameyMcFrame · 27/07/2013 18:44

But some men who have ED are so busy avoiding any situation where they might have intimacy that all the cuddles etc that you speak of get thrown out of the window.

Original poster

LucyH28 · 27/07/2013 18:45

Were we still affectionate with each other which I now believe is the reason why I was able to tell myself to keep trying. We hugged and kissed, held hands, snuggled up on the sofa etc. My friends actually thought that we must have a really healthy sex life and couldn't believe it when the truth eventually came out.

The orgasm issue is my fault. I brought this up on the previous thread and I'm quite ashamed but I faked it with him. We got together when I was young and I'd never managed it on my own so when he couldn't get me there despite trying hard I thought there was no harm in pretending as I didn't think I was capable of it and it was hurting him that I couldn't. I eventually did manage it on my own but several years into our relationship when our sex life had gone downhill and I didn't think I could throw something like that into the mix unless we started having regular sex again.

After a while of him going off sex with me I couldn't be bothered to pretend anymore. Don't get me wrong I still enjoyed sex with him until the issue with his ED got really bad and then I just couldn't relax enough around him to enjoy it properly.

This is a small factor in the decision but OM really knows what he's doing and I felt like I had a chance of getting to that point with him. I don't feel like I ever could with my husband now that I've lied and he has ED issues. I may not have a future with OM but it did show me something.

OP posts:

FrameyMcFrame · 27/07/2013 18:46

But some men who have ED are so busy avoiding any situation where they might have intimacy that all the cuddles etc that you speak of get thrown out of the window.

FrameyMcFrame · 27/07/2013 18:49

I think you need to tell your husband the truth about your orgasms. Do you think that may have had an oblique relationship with his ED?

tessa6 · 27/07/2013 18:52

This relationship sounds built on some pretty shaky ground, OP. And really really lacking in honesty and communication.

TumbleWeeds · 27/07/2013 18:54

I know, I know.... But that's why it is essential for the person who ED to take responsibility. Wo it, there is little the woman can do expect accepting to live her life with no sex what so ever. And to be made to feel guilty she has such 'wants'.

Tbh, there are lots of situations where an illness can make life as a couple difficult. Not just ED. Depression is one, mental illnesses are another. Alcohol issues , physical disabilities, ME etc etc
The only way a relationship can resist to that is for both partners to try their best and make things as good as they can get.
When you end up in a situation where one person feels they have given their best shot but the other hasn't, then there is little you can do.

TumbleWeeds · 27/07/2013 18:56

x post with you OP...

Original poster

LucyH28 · 27/07/2013 18:56

I can't know for sure but I don't think so. It really wasn't an issue for me until fairly recently and he didn't know that I was faking. I don't mean this in a bad way but I was always the more passionate and enthusiastic party in our sex life anyway so I don't think he would have felt that I was missing out.
I told him recently that I had needed to fake it a bit while we had been having issues with ED as i couldn't relax. I wanted to get it out there somehow so we could possibly work on it together without me having to say that I'd lied for 11 years.

OP posts:

TumbleWeeds · 27/07/2013 18:58

Lucy I don't think there is any shame in doing what you did. I am sure others have done so to to 'protect' their partner from feeling hurt I know I did

But seeing that you didn't get an orgasm after he started with the ED issues, I am not sure it is relevant.

TumbleWeeds · 27/07/2013 18:59

xpost again...

MissStrawberry · 27/07/2013 19:07

Why do you need a good talking too? You know what you are doing is disgraceful so why do you need a bunch of strangers to tell you when it will have no effect anyway and you will carry on fucking another man?

Having a shit childhood is not an excuse for cheating on your husband?

Does he have to fight for you because it is his turn to do the fighting? Honestly, your marriage is a joke. Grow up and separate as your husband deserves someone who is right for him.

tessa6 · 27/07/2013 19:08

Oh for sure, there's no shame in faking orgasms particularly, let she who has never cast the first... waits for the onslaught of sexually perfect MNers to strut in..!

But I'm concerned that this is a relationship that has never had open, fluid lines of communication, particularly about sex, and where both parties hide from each other emotionally. it just doesn't feel like OP has had a chance to grow up into someone she's becoming within it. It feels stunted somehow.

Original poster

LucyH28 · 27/07/2013 19:13

I don't know where I ever said that my childhood was an excuse. I've talked about the reasons but I know nothing excuses what I've done.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 27/07/2013 20:02

If you haven't got kids I really don't see what's stopping you splitting up and then moving on with someone else.

All it takes is a bit of backbone and yes he will be hurt for a bit but he will get over it.

It's a much bigger decision when kids are involved.

missbopeep · 27/07/2013 21:05

Unless you have been in a situation where a partner had ED it's hard to understand. My partner who had ED would shun the slightest approach I made on him and just look very uncomfortable. We'd hold hands, I'd sit close to him, and we'd be affectionate, but if anything became remotely sexual, he'd back away.

To this day, I don't know what was in his head except a lack of experience, guilt ( we weren't married and that was an issue for him) and overwork.

I'd ignore the shortcomings of it all for months on end then suddenly erupt when something triggered it all- and his reply was that made it all worse and we'd be back to sq 1.

tessa6 · 27/07/2013 21:16

It takes a lot of courage for some people to leave, maleview, though you're absolutely right in essence. A scary proportion of people are unhappy in their relationships, with or without kids, and never have the guts to leave, for fear they won't meet anyone else. It's so frustrating because if they did they could all go out with each other!

lemonstartree · 28/07/2013 09:25

FWIW Lucy, I don't think you are an awful person. You sound very sad and unhappy and I think this is part of the process of realisng that you marriage , which you entered into as a child really has huge flaws and has, as tessa said probably always lacked the open and honest communication that is essential if a marriage is to flourish. Your behaviour with your DH in relation to your own orgasms is quite revealing. You couldn't reach orgasm with him, so rather that let him know and discuss that, you took ALL the responsibility on yourself. Were you afraid he would be upset ? angry?. You have been carrying that around all this time. Why should he not have shared the responsibility? I expect you thought he would be upset /feel inadequate so you didn't tell him - but that is not honest and ultimately no basis for a marriage. Even now you are 'protecting' him by not allowing him to be hurt by the knowledge that yo have slept with someone else. You should not have to be responsible for protecting him from feeling hurt.

Similarly to others, I think your husband has issues. It is unusual for a man to be a virgin at 27 and he does seem t have a low sex drive,As others have said he will need to sort this out IF he wants to. And the personal hygeine thing? he sounds like he does not have much self respect...

You were so young when you married, you have grown and developed and he has not. Truly I think your marriage is over - and he also has some responsibility for this as he has refused to address a central problem in the relationship. I think you should leave, and spend some time alone, give yourself a chance to live a little and take care of yourself.

You are NOT a bad person Lucy and i at least understand exactly why you had an affair. Not right, but none of us are perfect and I think your reflections show a mature caring and thoughtful woman.

Good luck

FrameyMcFrame · 28/07/2013 11:25

excellent post Lemonstar

lemonstartree · 28/07/2013 19:35

And I have just read your first thread. I do not think this is a good man at all. He is actually selfish, unhygienic and dishonest (the GP thing).

lemonstartree · 29/07/2013 20:25

How are you doing OP?

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