Leaving a good man - Update - now I'm having an affair

[LucyH28]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1791303-Leaving-a-good-man
I posted a few weeks ago and about issues with my husband and received a lot of really good advice. The situation is now even more of a mess and although I don?t deserve it I was hoping people would help talk some sense into me again.

I ended up sleeping with the other man, on several occasions. I know full well what an awful person that makes me. The first time I felt horrendously guilty but not enough to stop me going back and to be honest I can?t believe how relatively easy it has been for me to cope with doing this. It's so out of character for me.

I've developed really strong feelings for the other man. We've stayed up talking most of the night each time and lying there in his arms and waking up with him has made me so happy.

I know this sounds backwards but I had been trying the counselling with my husband still but we didn't seem to be getting anywhere with working through either of our issues. I know that having an affair won?t have helped! However last weekend I told my husband it was over and he was upset and said he loved me and didn't want that but then he started looking at flats within 15 minutes! Then on Sunday morning I was staying at a friends and I woke up feeling like my heart was literally breaking in my chest. I then told my husband that maybe there was a little bit of hope but that I needed him to fight for it. He has no fire in him at all and I?m not prepared to fight this time like I always have in the past, which is why we have ended up here.

He?s now trying a bit harder but I look at him and I feel like I love him but I?m not at all attracted to him and I feel in order to move forward with him I would have to force myself to fancy him again. I've ruined it for myself by sleeping with the other man as I find him incredibly attractive and it?s a horrible comparison. The sex was amazing and I can?t even remember the last time I had anything half decent with my husband so it?s clouding my thoughts.

I've called things off with the other man but he is all I can think about. I just don?t know why I can?t find the guts to end my marriage. I would never tell my husband about my affair as it would devastate him, he?s always loved that we've only slept with each other. Although a terrible part almost wants to so the decision to end it is taken out of my hands. I just don?t seem to be able to deal with the guilt of ending it. I keep coming back to the fact that I loved my husband so much and I can?t understand how it all ended up like this. Everyone cried at our wedding as they knew how in love we were, I used to feel like if I lost him I wouldn't even be able to breathe anymore. I?m really struggling to deal with how much my emotions have changed and it?s making me doubt myself for wanting to leave.

A female narcissist. Stop hurting others.

Ok, if he has ED issues and no sex life for 3 years because he has a very low libido, it's counselling for him that will help. Not counselling as a couple unless it's issues in your couple that are at the root of the sex problem. What has he told you? Is his low libido due to his ED problem or to issues in your couple?

I think your problem is in this one sentence
Although a terrible part almost wants to so the decision to end it is taken out of my hands.

Somehow you know you want to finish the relationship and it isn't fulfilling for you any more. The affair with the OM will not have improved things as you suddenly have 'something' to compare your marriage with, even if the two can't actually be compared iyswim.
But in some ways, you don't seem to find a reason 'good enough' to leave, or rather what you think is a good enough reason (or you think other people think is a good enough reason...). He isn't abusive, he isn't being a twat. So why getting divorced?
Pushing him to a position where he is going to take the decision would take that weight out of your hands.

I would just say what my own counsellor told me.
The fact you want to leave the marriage IS a good enough reason. You don't need anything else.
Don't get side tracked by guilt or whatever it is to stay and make it work if you don't really want it. You will end up miserable and you will make HIM miserable in the process too.
Get counselling for yourself to try and get to the bottom of why you don't feel you can't leave.
Let him have counselling on his own too so he can find out what is going on for him (ED and sex wise).

And move on.

Basically he blamed me for the ED as he said he didn't like that I took it personally and it put pressure on him. He then said the only thing I could do to help was to never mention sex so there was no pressure. Therefore I blame myself for his sex issues to an extent and feel if I had been more patient we could have solved it. I just don't think I had the confidence to deal with someone with ED.
we are both going to relate, I've had some sessions in my own and have told the counsellor everything, she's been ok but it doesn't make things any clearer

Sorry just to add we were both going to have pyschosexual therapy through relate on some kind of course that they do. However by the time we got round to it I had stopped fancying him so we couldn't, I feel awful for this as it may had solved things

We could spend all day blaming you and piling in on the fighting for you comment.

Regardless of all that, your marriage is over. He has problems he hasn't resolved in years, and even if he did resolve them now, you no longer feel like that about him. And you have cheated on the marriage, so anything you rebuilt would be a lie.

Split up. Move on. Find a man you like who you can also have good sex with.

I don't think he is going to really address his sex problems so you can have a fulfilling sex-life together. You might put a lot of energy into counselling but he still might decide to call time on anything resembling a sex-life. Can everything else about your DH make up for this? You sound quite young for a sex-less marriage.

Tumbleweeds is right...get to the bottom of why you feel you cant leave but no matter how kind your DH is in every other way, the marriage is not meeting one of your most basic needs

Tell your DH the truth. Either way if you do truly love him and respect him you would tell him.

I am not really seeing the point of this navel gazing.

End it. Move on. Give your DH a little respect and allow him to find someone who loves him rather than wants to be with him for validation and adoration or whatever..

Why did you stop fancying him?
Is it because he has ED?
Is it because there's been no sex?

I had sexual counselling when my partner had ED- I wanted to know hope to cope with it. My reaction at the time had been shock ( he just didn't make any moves on me- it wasn't a case of 'failure' while trying.)
The counsellor told me to just back off totally. That is also what my partner wanted. But I found it very hard. I was a bit younger than you at the time and he was about the age of your DH.

Like you I felt I needed to take some of the blame because every now and then I'd get angry and ask when he was going to get 'better'. This just set the whole thing back every time it happened.

In the end, I met someone else, and I left him. The difference was, we weren't married, and we had a kind of understanding that because of his issues I was free to meet other men- I never wanted to but eventually my patience wore out.

If you really don't fancy your DH- and feel you never ever can- then his having help is neither here nor there.

You need to act like an adult and take responsibility for ending the marriage if that's what you want, instead of having an 'exit affair' and hoping deep down he will find out and you won't have to cut the cord that holds you to him.

What a betrayal! He had ED , takes comfort that you hve only ever slept with each other and you shag someone else. This is irretrievable whether he knows or not. I say don't tell him and do the right thing and walk away letting him build his confidence for future relationships over his ED without him blaming him and his problem for the end of his marriage.
Sorry but you don't deserve him to fight for you. Please do the right thing and allow him to build his life without your indecisiveness holding him to ransom. It's just cruel.

You need to get over yourself and stop with the handwringing drama llama approach to life.

There's so much more out there than relationships, a good one should be the cherry on top of an already satisfying and full life, lived with integrity. Not a shaky liferaft on which you build yourself up / beat yourself up depending on how much it validates you.

I highly recommend some time - a long time - spent on your own.

I think you want drama in your life - wanting him to "fight for you", having affairs etc. Can't see that you will stay contented with your husband for long, sorry.

OP, I think I understand what you meant by 'fight for you' and it isn't coming across that way to other posters in the right way. Forgive me if I am wrong, but I will do my best to try and explain it how I see it: When you split up before, did you feel he was too passive about it? That if you had done nothing, then he wouldn't have either?
If this is the case, it's more that you want him to participate more than fight. That you feel responsible for everything? Who initiated the counselling?

That is exactly it thank you!
He is very calm as laid back which is great in many ways but when our relationship is at stake I want him to show he cares and push to fix things instead of just saying it.
He arranged counselling but only after I told him I really couldn't cope any more after several years of the same arguments and rejection, this was before the OM.
The main issue with ED was that he never made a move on me and seemed fine with having no sex life unless I brought it up. Again there was just no demonstration that he wanted things to be fixed.
I guess I just mean that I wanted his actions to match his words. I'm tired of nagging him to do things that really matter like going to the doctors over ED issues.

But does any of that reasoning - why you thought/acted/behaved before have any relevance at all now?
Does it make you any less unfaithful, any less dishonest with him or the relationship any less over - bar your telling him of course.

sounds like youre really blaming him for the fact that youve shagged someone else whilst still in a relationship with him.

Noone says that you need to stay with someone youre not into anymore. Its generally seen as cuntish and dishonest if you string two people along at the same time though

grow a backbone and leave your husband

Okay, this is actually incredibly simple. If you really, really in the core of you want to stay, rather than just loving your DH, then stop all contact with the OM, ALL. Everything. Expect libido and desire to return in stages after 3 or 4 weeks at home. Begin to build from there. If you can't or won't do that, your relationship has no hope so end it.

But really, Lucy, I hear this:

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

therumpus.net/2011/06/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-77-the-truth-that-lives-there/

There is always a vulnerability when couples marry when neither has had other sexual partners.

If your husband no longer satisfies you sexually, a barren sexless marriage is pretty awful. However the excitement of a new sexual partner does dull. If this is about the thrill of the chase, be careful. If however you realise that you have accepted rump when you should be dining on sirloin sexually, then there is no going back.

Like others, i do think this is as much about the unsuitability of your existing relationship as it is about your new man.

Do be prepared to lose both- but to go forwards stronger.

I'm not going to go on about the OM and that- you know you have to stop seeing him and deal with the real issues- your marriage. I'm going to try to be constructive and deal with the issue rather than slag you off for something you know was a mistake.

I'm a bit confused now- you've been calling this erectile dysfunction. But is it? ED is the inability to get or maintain an erection. Viagra helps with that but it certainly does not change low libido. It's not a 'mood' enhancer. It's quite common for older men ( 50s, 60s, older) to ask for Viagra hoping it will restore their 'urges' but it doesn't. It gives them an erection and may give them confidence so they can have sex without it if it's been more of a psychological issue.

Which brings me to the crux of this- is it ED he has or low/no libido?
Or even both?

Medication will help him with ED but if it's low libido it won't- and neither will counselling unless he accepts that he has 'issues' re. sex- if he has.

I think each of you needs to get to the root of why his libido has waned and you have stopped fancying him.

It may be something as simple as you have become 'friends' partly due to your dependency on him as a substitute parent and confused your needs at 17 with real love/lust. It could be that he has sexual issues which meant he was still a virgin at 27. Be interested to know why he was and if it's something you have talked about.

These are issues you need to explore with an expert, unless deep down you know it's not going to work in which case have the courage to move on. At 27 and having never lived alone I assume , or really had any teenage years to live a bit, that will be scary but there's a whole world out there.

I think it's a combination. Sometimes we would try to have sex and he couldn't get an erection or would lose one. However he would very rarely initiate anything. I would wait weeks and sometimes months for him to and he wouldn't so I would give in and do it. I didn't feel like I could because he said I was putting pressure on if I raised it or wore nice underwear etc.
I believe he stopped fancying me and has a low sex drive. He believes he has ED and it all comes from anxiety to do with that.
He said he was waiting for the right person as he wanted to sleep with someone he loved. It seemed nice at the time but now I find it odd.
I'll get slated even more for this but he doesn't look much like the man I fell in love with anymore. He has put quite a bit if weight on and his personal hygiene is terrible. I have to nag him to wash certain areas properly and to brush his teeth. I've been through the hygiene thing with him many times. After a while of him losing interest in me these issues really started to matter and I went off him and viewed him as a friend.

I'm a bit lost about your counselling - you've seen a counsellor together and you've also seen the same one separately and told her about your affair? But your OH doesn't know? That sounds er, professional of her.

Other than that point I agree with chocoreturns. Your marriage is dead. It's sad and you feel badly about it because he's a "good" man but you're a long time dead and you sound v unfulfilled. And if he knew the truth he'd probably dump you anyway. Move on.

Chub- the whole basis of counselling is that whatever you say within those 4 walls goes no further- unless you reveal something about breaking the law which endangers others. A counsellor could be struck off for revealing something to anyone else. Most counsellors begin a session with words like 'Anything you tell me is in complete confidence.'

OP- your H's personal hygiene and weight issues sound like signs of his having 'given up' on himself. Possibly he is depressed and has very low self esteem.

someone else mentioned this- he could be a closet gay. There are plenty of married men who are.

He's not putting much effort into making things work with you by his lack of hygiene and reluctance to seek help.

You are too young to be with someone who doesn't do it for you. One of my DCs is your age and they are having a great time being single and I feel they are still too young to be even thinking of being married.

You seem to have ended up with someone unsuitable as a substitute for a happy home life with your parents.

Yes, thanks, I am aware of confidentiality. My point is the counsellor is put in a conflict of interest position by counselling them as a couple and the op on her own. Not professional.