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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I stop dm answering for me?

21 replies

googliewooglie · 26/07/2013 18:03

I hadn't noticed this until a hcp made a comment about it but if I am with my dm and someone asks me a question she jumps in and answers it for me.

I should point out I am in my 30's so quite capable of speaking for myself.

I remember that when I was younger dsis and I weren't allowed to speak to friends if my parents if we were out in case we said the wrong thing and embarrassed or somehow showed them up so I wondered if this was an extension of that?

It even happens if I bump into a friend of mine whilst we are out, she will answer for me before I get the chance to which, now it has been pointed out to me, makes me look a bit silly I think.

I have never liked speaking to people when others are around as I think they are listening to me and I think it must have come from not being allowed to speak.

Does anyone have any idea on how to stop it please as I couldn't say anything directly as she would take great offence however it was worded.

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 26/07/2013 18:09

so what if she does take offence? what are you afraid of?

i would speak after she has jumped in. preferably with the opposite.

actually, no. in fact...

or laugh and say
for my next trick i will drink a glass of water while my mother tells you how im feeling.

the main thing is that its ok if she gets in a huff. dont be afraid of that.

you arent going to solve this problem while your primary concern is appeasing your mother. so you have to choose.

JustinBsMum · 26/07/2013 18:10

Just 'No Mum, I was actually going to say blah blah' - whatever it was, practise so that you can come in quickly, you don't have to be nasty, just correct it to what you want to say.

WhiteBirdBlueSky · 26/07/2013 18:16

If this is something that has been going on all your life, then it is going to be difficult to change it. I think it would be even harder if you choose not to speak to her directly about it.

Original poster
googliewooglie · 26/07/2013 18:16

If she takes offence and gets in a huff it becomes the end of the world and she wouldn't speak to me whilst telling anyone who will listen how nasty and ungrateful I am (she helps with dc's childcare).

Dsis doesn't have the same problem as she lives further away but as I live close I feel as though I am a little puppet so I do try and avoid her as much as I can.

If I was to say no I think xyz I would feel like I did when I was younger and I would be given the 'look' for disagreeing with her.

OP posts:
ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 26/07/2013 18:34

youre looking for a solution that doesnt exist.

in this situation you have to pick your shitty choice

continue to say nothing and remain feeling this way but keep her happy and have the childcare

or

be assertive let her have her tantrums accept being bitched about and find alternate childcare.

you have to choose which you hate the least.

she has the power and control you hand over to her and no more.

its a tough one. life would be great if we always had an option that was perfect and had no downside, but mostly thats just not the case.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2013 18:46

If asking her to stop talking over you means you need to make other childcare arrangements, it's a price worth paying. Being assertive means you risk offending others occasionally but you ALWAYS regain your self-respect. Good luck

badguider · 26/07/2013 18:50

Why would you take your mum into an appt with a hcp?
I would suggest not taking her into appointments might be the start of asserting your independence a bit... (unless she's your carer or interpreter but it doesn't sound that way from what you've written).

My mum hasn't visited a doctor or hospital with me since I was about 16.

Helpyourself · 26/07/2013 18:53

Why was she with you at a medical appointment?
Hecsy has summed up the situation.
It's not normal to have your mother talk for you, or you give you 'the look' or throw tantrums.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 26/07/2013 18:54

Yep, first thing is to sort out other childcare. Then you can ask your mum to stop speaking for you.

Why are you allowing someone who treats you like she does to look after your child? Is your child allowed to speak? Does he get "the look" if he disagrees with her? Does she want to control him the way she controls you?

Original poster
googliewooglie · 26/07/2013 19:11

She had an appointment at the same time so she could look after my youngest ds.

I realise now that if I want her to carry on with the childcare I have to put up with her ways and as it stands we can't afford not to have her.

If I thought she was treating my dcs in the same way she wouldn't be left with them at all but she knows that her ways of disciplining us will not be tolerated but like I said it was only when the speaking for me was pointed out I noticed it.

OP posts:
badguider · 26/07/2013 19:15

I wouldn't be able to handle my dm doing this but if you don't want to say anything to her then at least make sure you DO speak for yourself and say what YOU want to say. If she jumps in, think to yourself whether she has genuinely said what you would have and if not, if you have a different idea or opinion or even some further info then make sure you add it.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/07/2013 19:20

It took a long time to notice, now that you have it will be irksome. Thankfully you'll have cultivated your own circle of friends by now so she won't hold sway over every conversation.

Unless you make other childcare arrangements, make a mental note to explain to the other person her habit of jumping in when she's safely out of earshot.

If she is resistant to criticism she probably has other controlling quirks that you endure without registering. Maybe a factor in DSis living further away?

WhoNickedMyName · 26/07/2013 19:23

but she knows that her ways of disciplining us will not be tolerated

How does she know that?

What's wrong with just saying "listen mum, a couple of people have pointed out that anytime someone asks me a question, you answer for me. I thought I'd mention it to you because until it was pointed out, I didn't realise it was happening, so I think you probably don't realise you're doing it. Anyway, now that we've had this chat we can both make sure it doesn't keep happening, can't we".

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 26/07/2013 19:27

If you didn't notice that, how do you know what else you are not noticing.

She is alone with your children.

How can you honestly know how she is being with them? Truly?

MargeSimps0n · 26/07/2013 19:31

My mum is exactly like this. I used to get annoyed with her and then she'd say 'what !? what?!' and I'd end up looking like a spiky teenager. Very hard to deal with!

My brother inadvertently 'taught' me how to deal with her. If we were at a family do and somebody offered him a glass of wine (he is in his forties) he once said cheerfully "do I want a glass of wine mother?". She laughed, embarrassed and hasn't done it again to him. Of course, I'd still get the 'just the one glass' and her eyes would narrow as the wine edged towards the top of the glass.

What whoNickedMyName says sounds reasonable. And it is reasonable, but I know if I'd said that to my Mother she would have dismissed me as overly sensitive and hostile. I think it is better to let them run out of steam and then and only when they've finished answering for you say quietly and calmly (fake insouciance here, like it doesn't bother you that she's answered for you) "what I'm going to do is......." Say it once. Then go ahead and do it.

If it's not a plan of action. Just your opinions, remember that saying "what you think of me is none of my business". It's frustrating if your mother thinks she knows you well enough to answer for you, but you do still have your own mind. You can form independent thoughts! you can act alone. She hasn't taken that ability from you. It's very annoying though.

HansieMom · 26/07/2013 19:32

It would be embarrassing for her if you corrected her. But if you told her beforehand you did not want her answering for you, then she knows. After that if she still did it, I'd correct her.

Original poster
googliewooglie · 26/07/2013 20:01

I have told her that smacking will not be tolerated by us and I think that she does realise this as dh comes from a family who don't smack so if he was to find out she had she would loose face with them iyswim.

I do wonder if there are other things I am missing but am too close to see.

Dsis has a good relationship with her as she has somehow managed to get into the habit of being the one to make contact so dm can go days without hearing from her Envy . I manage a day if I am lucky and have been vague with my plans.

I will keep speaking up for myself and it is good to hear that someone else has experienced this so thanks MargeSimps0n

OP posts:
Lovemynailstoday · 26/07/2013 20:25

It's a habit she can't stop--my DM does it too. I tell her, "mum, you're talking for me again". I don't think she knows she's doing it half the time. Drives me nuts.

HilaryM · 26/07/2013 20:29

I still don't understand why she went in with you rather than staying in the waiting room?

Original poster
googliewooglie · 26/07/2013 21:40

She came in with me because she was holding ds while I was being seen (dentist) so he would get used to the environment.

The dentist asked me about my teeth and she answered.

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/07/2013 22:03

You could simply ignore her, and give your own answer, even if the other person seems happy with it. Add more information, if appropriate, or correct her, even if in small details.

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