Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL pains

58 replies

jakyjax · 26/07/2013 14:34

Thought I was doing ok as a MiL to my lovely DiL but DS now tells me she feels inferior around me and interprets most things I say/do as a criticism. She's a brilliant mum and wife but somehow believes I don't really think that. I'm mortified and now feel I should stay out of her life as much as poss. So sad to think it will mean less time with them and the grandkids.

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/07/2013 14:39

I would suggest having an open and honest chat with her.
Tell her what you have said here about her being a good mum and get her to reveal why she feels the way she does and maybe you can work out something to ensure she doesn't feel that way with you.
Sorry, it's all I have. I'm sure others will have some good advice.
I hope it all works out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2013 14:41

Don't stay out of their life just because she's insecure and feels inferior. Be sensitive, obviously, and maybe increase the compliments but otherwise keep being yourself.

LifeIsSoDifferent · 26/07/2013 14:46

I think you should talk to her about t but make sure you give her a chance to explain her feelig otherwise it could seem like yor just brushing her feelings off because there not important enough

Original poster
jakyjax · 26/07/2013 14:52

I'm a bit worried about talking to her about it as that would reveal that her dh (my DS) has been talking about her to me (albeit to defend her).

Not sure I should expect her to "explain her feelig" as that would seem like she needs to justify herself, which she doesn't. And I am def not "brushing her feelings off" - they are very important to me and that's the whole point.

OP posts:
phantomhairpuller · 26/07/2013 14:54

Hang on a minute, she can't say she feels I inferior around you but then not expect to have to justify herself Confused

phantomhairpuller · 26/07/2013 14:56

I think what I meant by that was that you're maybe being a bit 'soft' on her. If she feels the way she does, you need to discuss it in order to move forward from it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2013 14:56

If she has a problem with you, she needs to tell you what it is. It's great that your DS was defending her but was he specific enough that you'd not do the same thing again? Do you actually know what you're meant to have done wrong?

Original poster
jakyjax · 26/07/2013 15:08

Yes, he was specific. Helping the baby put on a jacket implies a criticism that she has failed to dress him properly. Wiping his sticky fingers/face before picking him up is a criticism etc. I have truly never minded that housework is unimportant to her, but I keep my house clean so she thinks I'll judge her ... I don't. Everyone lives life their own way.

I'm afraid that just saying this to her would not heal something that runs so deep. DS acknowledged it was irrational. I'm out of my depth.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2013 15:15

If she takes offence at you helping a baby on with his jacket, wiping sticky fingers or that you keep your own house clean, then she's seriously insecure. I thought you'd made some unfortunate remark about breast-feeding or advice on sleeping... Hmm What are you supposed to do, live in squalor just to make her feel comfortable? And if you didn't help on with the jacket or wipe the fingers, chances are it would be equally misinterpreted.

I go back to my first suggestion of 'be yourself'. You're not going to win this so there's not much point changing.

LifeIsSoDifferent · 26/07/2013 15:18

I don't think you do expect her to explain her feelings but if you tell he what you've said on her then give her the chance to talk about hers.

She ovb doesn't know that her feelings are important to you or what you actually think of her otherwise she wouldn't think what she does.

craftynclothy · 26/07/2013 15:21

Out of curiosity are you very different to her family? I found little things like this would annoy/upset me with IL's but I worked out that actually it was because of totally different things that set me on edge well before the little things I'd then complain about to Dh. e.g. My parents will arrive, come in and say "Hiya, you alright? Stick the kettle on, will you?" where as the IL's have this (what I thought was very fake) manner of "Oh helloooooooooooo, how arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre you? It's sooooooooooooooooo lovely to see yooooooooooooooooooooou?" so when they dived in and got on with helping with the kids it felt a bit like they were making some point as in all other areas they would wait around to be treated like formal guests.

craftynclothy · 26/07/2013 15:23

I don't mean to suggest it's your problem btw.

Original poster
jakyjax · 26/07/2013 15:26

Thanks CES but my problem is I only know how to be myself. That's the thing. Being myself triggers her insecurity and I so don't want to do that. I want her to feel she can get on with being herself without me unsettling that. That's why it still seems the best thing will be to keep out of the way. Luckily they live in another country so it will be easy to visit less by just saying I've run out of leave. Well, I say it will be easy, but I have tears as I write this.

Thank you all for your kindness.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2013 15:30

You cannot do anything about it if being yourself triggers insecurity in her. You realise that if you stay away, it will trigger more insecurity and be equally misinterpreted? You'll go from interfering to snooty or uninterested. I really think you should carry on exactly as normal - with the usual caveat to be sensitive - rather than get yourself upset trying to accommodate someone else's neuroses.

Twirlyhot · 26/07/2013 15:31

Grin at the examples

'Helping the baby put on a jacket implies a criticism that she has failed to dress him properly.'

Do you mean putting a jacket on the baby when she has chosen not to because she doesn't think he needs one?

'Wiping his sticky fingers/face before picking him up is a criticism'

You have to clean him before you hold him? Really? So you're saying she doesn't keep him clean?

'I have truly never minded that housework is unimportant to her, but I keep my house clean so she thinks I'll judge her'

So you've decided 'housework is unimportant to her' whilst you 'keep your house clean'! So because she doesn't keep her home like your home it's dirty?

Twirlyhot · 26/07/2013 15:32

You could try letting her choose how to dress him and not wiping him down before you touch him.

JacqueslePeacock · 26/07/2013 15:33

Not sure why you're taking your bat home rather than trying to deal with the problem. Even if you don't want to speak to your DIL directly about it, at least you now know where you need to be a bit sensitive to her feelings (daft as they seem to you). Wouldn't that be much better than just saying "oh well then I won't visit so much?"

Mrchip · 26/07/2013 15:46

Maybe housework is important to her but she's busy with her baby.
These things do depend on context.
Eg did you decide the baby was cold? (maybe could have said 'do you think he needs a jacket?') or did you try to help whilst she was already dressing the baby.
Did you swoop in with the baby wipes before she had a chance? Were you looking for ways to 'mother' the baby? Did the baby really need cleaning or were you being a perfectionist?

If you just said 'do you think he needs a coat? (yes) I'll pop it on' fine
If he had been sick and needed wiping fine.

I think being 'Mum' is a job and I often liken it to how a man would feel if another man polished their car 'to help' or maybe refilled the oil. Of course you have a role as gran (to sing/play/read stories) but dont step on her toes.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 26/07/2013 15:59

Keep in touch. Tell DS you are proud of him and his family. I wonder if a letter to her would help?

It's probably a long time since you were wed and a nervous bride trying to get along and play the part of new wife then mother. You've forgotten how hard it was whether or not you got along with your MIL. You are sorry she felt undermined and wish you'd not hurt her feelings.

DIL has nothing to prove, she makes your DS happy and bring DC into the world has made you all glad and thankful. Living far apart you won't invade her space. Next time you are all together will she do one thing? When she feels bossed around or criticised in future will she look you in the eye, say something to you - a code between the two of you - to remind you of how you felt way back then?

SanityClause · 26/07/2013 16:01

Were you staying in their house? With a tiny baby? And it all got a bit stressy?

Quelle surprise!

Next time you visit, she will be more sure of her abilities as a mother. She will be less sleep deprived. I'm sure you will get on better!

My parents came to stay, for a month, from another country when DC3 was about 2 months old (so not even my PFB).

It was all a bit stressy, and that was my own parents!

Partridge · 26/07/2013 16:13

I can't believe a few posters are analysing the op's totally innocuous gestures, apportioning blame and suggesting that the dil is being reasonable. The op sounds like a lovely mil with great respect for boundaries. Some people would simply prefer mil didn't exist.

I hope my ds have more balls if their wives are being this irrational and tell them to get a grip.

Twirlyhot · 26/07/2013 16:28

You have decided they are totally innocuous. Her DIL is upset by them and feels judged. The OP's response is to avoid everyone!

Twirlyhot · 26/07/2013 16:30

If someone insisted on wiping a baby before they touched it I would think they had issues. If it was their baby, fine. If not ...

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/07/2013 16:38

Most babies I've ever met are usually covered in something sticky, sicky or snotty... Hmm (Shudders at memories of candle-nose and teething dribble) A judicious wipe can hardly be said to be judgemental. Yes, she's on edge when MIL visits from overseas but, by the sound of it, she's building it up rather than the OP being deliberately offensive

Twirlyhot · 26/07/2013 16:47

'Most babies I've ever met are usually covered in something sticky, sicky or snotty'

Agreed. But I don't go around wiping them unless they're mine!

Swipe left for the next trending thread