MIL pains

[jakyjax]

Thought I was doing ok as a MiL to my lovely DiL but DS now tells me she feels inferior around me and interprets most things I say/do as a criticism. She's a brilliant mum and wife but somehow believes I don't really think that. I'm mortified and now feel I should stay out of her life as much as poss. So sad to think it will mean less time with them and the grandkids.

Any advice welcome.

If I'm expected to pick the little buggers up I'm going to reach for the tissues every time ... Then again I'm one of those offensive types that talks to babies in supermarkets so what do I know? I'm gearing up to be the MIL from hell, aren't I? :)

I wouldn't mind you. My SIL would. To be fair though, everything her mother says or does is an implicit criticism. Often quite a plicit one actually

Example, nephew being allowed to walk on the pavement without his hand being held prompts 'Go and get run over then!' Whilst standing next to his mother.

My MiL always puts more blankets / bedding on DS if she puts him to bed (and then I have to go in later and strip it back to what there was there in the first place). She will always put him in more clothes than he needs (he won't stand for that anymore so not a problem now).

I know that I am judged by my MiL. She has been fairly explicit, comparing herself to me in the same situation - conveniently forgetting that she didn't work full time when her children were small. How I / we do things is not good enough - and when she comes things are done her way, even if we're there and not doing them that way. Things are moved, put in different places, put in boxes that don't belong to them... I could go on.

She isn't interested in how this makes me feel - I'm not actually sure she's aware of how irritating this all is.

You are one step ahead of her - you know what you are doing irritates her. Don't stop going - just make sure that you do things her way. Ask her whether she would like you do put the jacket on the baby, ask her whether you can help out around the house in anyway whilst you're there to help out a bit as she's got a small baby... try to do things the same way that she would do... when in Rome and all that.

Are you seriously suggesting that if your own grandchild approached you to pick him or her up covered in snot you wouldn't wipe them? You are behaving as if the op (who is the child's grandmother - not a random woman off the street) is not allowed any boundaries (ie protecting herself/ clothes from stickiness/ snot).

Do we seriously have to abase ourselves to this degree to have any relationship with our ds/dil/gc in the future? I am not fond of my weird mil but I wouldn't dream of being so ridiculously chippy and unreasonable.

There may or may not be an issue with criticism/ perceived criticism - but all we have to go on here is the op's account which seems completely reasonable to me. I am so bloody fed up of the mil being the enemy and that relationship being seen as doomed. No wonder there is such an anti- boy baby feeling on mn if these are the dil we are going to have to deal with.

The thing is, we just can't tell from this thread. If the OP made a big deal of having to wipe her poor uncleared grandchild before she could even hold him, she was BU. If it was a quick wipe of dribble as she cuddled him, she was NBU. If the mother had dressed him ready to go out and the OP overruled her as to baby's clothes by adding a jacket, she was BU. if the mother had already said she wanted a jacket on the baby and the OP merely stepped in to help get it on, she was clearly NBU. We just can't tell. But it might be important for the OP to consider how she came across in doing these things, regardless of how she meant them. Saying "I just won't go and visit them, I'm so upset" is not going to help matters. At least she has an idea of what has upset her DIL and so she knows now where to tread lightly. It's a hard relationship to get right but the OP has the opportunity to sort it out.

I agree. Her reaction is a bit irrational but I think she seems deeply hurt. I think we can infer from the fact that she has done nothing but praise her DIL and her mothering that the DIL is probably bu (and the housework thing sounds like she is stating a fact not undermining the DIL).

'all we have to go on here is the op's account'

Exactly. And the examples that have been given of things that have upset her DIL. The OP hasn't come back and given more information.

The DIL is upset enough about these things that her DH has spoken to his mother about it, so even if she is overreacting, it is getting to her.

It might be that the OP is being annoying. It might be partly the OP and partly the DIL. To say they're going to avoid her and see less of the children as a result rather than actually looking for a solution is pouty.

Why not look to see if they might have overstepped or ask how to avoid upsetting the DIL in future, even if that's just saying 'You're a great mum. I know Grandparents can be annoying to our children/children's partners even when we don't mean to be, tell me if I'm winding you up!'

Agree having an honest conversation (maybe with your DS there) would be the healthiest way forward. What made you decide that visiting less is the best solution? To be honest, that seems quite passive-agressive to me, adding fuel to the fire rather than working towards a better relationship. Do you find it difficult to speak your mind with her, in a loving way? Since you think she's a great mum, it would be great if you could get that across to her.

They live in different countries so no skin off DIL's nose if MIL feels upset and stops visiting her DS and GCs. That is the OP's choice. If this were pfb yes a new mum can be sensitive bordering on precious. As there's more than one DC it suggests on more than one occasion MIL has visited and somehow there's been friction. Real or imagined. It is not just mothering but other issues so who knows when this chasm started.

If I were OP I would try to make peace so as not to lose touch.

PS I have a DD and a DS so shall possibly see both sides of adult children's relationships and split loyalties.

I know I'm biased, but from what has been posted I think the DiL needs to get a grip.

This definitely seems to be a case of the Mother-in-Law's place is in the wrong.

Aw, OP it can't be very nice for you to know that this is what your dil thinks. For the rest of the posters criticising OP, she has actually said that she thinks her dil is a brilliant mum and wife.

I am not the sensitive type so I don't understand the implied criticisms of putting coats on and cleaning hands. FGS! She is the GP, she should be able to take an active part in the children's lives for a coupe of weeks in a year and to feel comfortable doing it.

My own take on this is that dil has her hubby and children all to herself in a cosy little unit and mil comes along and changes the equilibrium.

OP, next time you go, see if you can get the opportunity to chat with her about it. I would not do it by phone, text, Skype or email.

You know what, OP, when you get back home, why don't you send a lovely card to DIL saying how much you enjoyed visiting, that you think she's doing an AMAZING job with the baby, what a joy your GC is to you, how nice it was to spend time with DIL, DS and GC, blah blah blah. And maybe send a box of chocs. It might be that she's a bit hormonal, sleep-deprived etc and a few words of kindness might be all she needs to realise you're not silently judging her every time she does anything at all.

You sound lovely. Don't take any comments about feeling inferior personally. She's probably just feeling a bit overwhelmed at teh mo, especially if it's her first child.

bellabelly post is good advice.

My MIL and I get on well. I have always thought her a bit bonkers because she is but she is always very complimentary to me. My DCs are much older now but she still regularly tells me I am a great Mum and a great wife to her beloved son. She often tells me I am pretty too she can't see that well-- . The other thing she does is she NEVER offers me advice. It must have been hard for her as I have raised my DCs very differently from how she raised her. I think she is not as daft as she seems.

Hopefully the OPs DILis just being a bit silly and hormonal and that things will settle down. At least the OP has had the heads up as to how her DIL is thinking and can now be more careful. I don't think the OP should assume she has done anything wrong though.

Good luck OP

You sound really nice OP and I'm with you completely about the sticky hands, I can't stand kids covered in snot, sick and sticky stuff wiping it all over me - yuk. As a child my grandmothers regularly wiped my face/ hands etc and no-one batted an eyelid about it, your DIL sounds insecure and whiny to me.

Does your son live with your DIL? if so, then housework is "unimportant" to them both.

Seriously, seeing less of your DIL and grandchild is your response to being told that your DIL doesn't like some of your behaviour. Gosh, DIL is not the only one prone to being dramatic.

Wiping down sticky children not a problem, unsolicited dressing would annoy.

Your housework comment alone makes me think she senses your disapproval without you saying a word. Talk to her FFS.

But imagine being the poor fucking op and going abroad to see your ds/dil/gc and walking on eggshells the entire time.

She has done nothing but praise her dil here who seems to be getting disproportionate sympathy for being incredibly precious while the poor mil has to go out of her comfort zone into the dil house knowing there is hostility. Sounds pretty shit - especially as every gesture is going to be misinterpreted. I wouldn't fancy that much.

thank you to everyone for some really sound advice. this has helped me to see all angles. had to guess what n/bu meant - is it not/being unfair?

had a lovely chat with the other gran last night and she's had similar - we both thought we'd be so much better than our own MILs and it hurts to find out we're not really. We're all learning as we go.

One point that hasn't been mentioned yet is that this is all third hand. This is what the son has told the OP as an example of what is bothering his wife and the OP commented that the son "also thinks this is irrational".

It doesn't sound to me as if the son has listened very sensitively and it is also possible that the DiL had a problem articulating what has been hurting her feelings. If it is an approach or a pattern of behaviour which is the actual issue, then the son may not have understood that, said "OK, I'll talk to Mum" then just listed a couple of points raised by the DiL as illustrations of the issue, without properly explaining the context, and summed up by agreeing with his mother that DiL is "irrational".

She may not be. If the OP can have a non-confrontational chat with the DiL rather than starting from the standpoint that the DiL is "irrational" or "insecure", but that the DiL may well have a reasonable point to make, then this may help. Deciding with tears that "oh, well, I'll cut down contact" without actually trying to solve the problem sounds a little like playing to the gallery (the son) and trying to get him to make the problem go away by bulldozing his wife.

BU = being unreasonable. NBU = not being unreasonable. I'm guessing you wisely don't spend much time on AIBU (the Am I Being Unreasonable? board)!

thanks. I'm new to MN and couldn't see this on the list of acronyms

How old is your grandchild? I'm guessing still fairly little & a first born. I remember finding it really hard to take comments from pil/my mum as that - not criticisms. I sort of knew they weren't being critical - but anything that made me feel like I wasn't doing a 100% perfect job went straight to me. And, in general, I'd say I'm a pretty confident type. And all those issues would have been magnified if my parents/PIL had to visit for an extended time.

Don't assume ths is unfixable, op, or that either side is necessarily 'wrong' - just see it as a stage, & one you can make easier. Compliment your dil on what she's doing right; tell her about things you cocked up when your kid/s were little; defer to her as the person who knows most about your grandson (& how many layers he should be wearing!). Things will get easier as she gets more confident. I vividly remember my dad, in the very early stages of parenthood, watching me oing something to soothe ds, & saying he'd never have thought of doing that, & how amazing it was that new parents tuned in so fast to what the individual child needs. He's brought up 4 kids, & lectures in child psych, so in retrospect, was probably lying, but it meant SO much.

Personally, I think I might not talk to her overtly (esp if you don't know how accurate your ds's version of her feelings is...) but just modify yor behaviour at the next visit. Not nec because it was wrong but just to be sensitive to any possible slight.