MIL pains

[jakyjax]

Thought I was doing ok as a MiL to my lovely DiL but DS now tells me she feels inferior around me and interprets most things I say/do as a criticism. She's a brilliant mum and wife but somehow believes I don't really think that. I'm mortified and now feel I should stay out of her life as much as poss. So sad to think it will mean less time with them and the grandkids.

Any advice welcome.

had a lovely chat with the other gran last night and she's had similar - we both thought we'd be so much better than our own MILs and it hurts to find out we're not really. We're all learning as we go.

And good for you.

There is always the teeny tiny chance though, that your DiL is the unreasonable one...

Jeez your last post says to me 'even her Mum agrees that I'm doing nothing wrong'

You won't be able to get advice/ more accurate analysis of the situation if you don't explain what was happening when you upset your DIL.

Eg my MIL helpfully wiped my baby's mouth..... several times, whilst I was feeding him, by reaching right across my knee, so I had to lean back out of the way, during a family party.
It bothered me as it seemed a dominance/I know better issue.

Other occasions I wouldn't mind at all.

Therefore without fleshing out what's upset her you can't get meaningful advice.

we don't stay in their flat, but in a hotel nearby. the other gran didn't say I was doing nothing wrong - she and I are both doing things wrong - however well-motivated - which we have to learn from. we're both new at this

I'm glad you're feeling better about it and that you know (from the other gran) that it's not personal.

It's natural that there will be a little friction. You obviously like and respect your DIL. It would be a shame if you saw your grandchildren less as a result of things that can be sorted out pretty easily.

Sometimes just asking the mum what to do or for example when would be the best time to book Sunday lunch at the pub to fit in with the baby's naps is enough to reassure them that you're not trying to overrule or criticise them and you respect that they're the parent.

I hope that everything goes well for you all.

It must be hard to step back when you have already raised children and know it all backwards. I doubt that there's anyone who has never felt a little inadequate/criticised as a mum, at least for a moment, when they have a small baby and their parents/ILs around.

yes I certainly felt inadequate with my MiL - that's why I was so trying not to do the same - but it turns out I have anyway.
Yes, it is hard to step back, not because I know it all backwards but because there is such a rush of love as a new gran. I made lots of mistakes as a parent - who doesn't? Now I guess I have to accept I'm making mistakes as a MiL! Thanks for your kindness.

Try not to think of it as making mistakes, more as both of you finding a balance. And I wasn't trying to suggest you were being know it all, just that some things become reflex around babies when you've had your own, like how you hold them or saying no to older ones when they do something they shouldn't. It's subconscious parenting - you don't realise you're doing it!

Jakyjax I don't think you are making the same mistakes as your mil. For starters you seem willing to work on it so your relAtionship with all of them improve. Don't stay away but be aware when your a first time mum and exhausted etc its so easy to take everything as a criticism. Speak to her when you see her and reassure that you do think she's a good mum and how much joy it gives you to watch their little family unit flourishing and even more so to be a part of it.
It's good you and the other gran can talk not to bitch but to help each other get it right. Everyone makes mistakes including you and dil. It will get better because you are willing to try even where you perhaps shouldn't have to.