came across a few interesting texts, now what?

[houmousandcarrotsandwich]

Been married to dh for 7 years in August and have 2 young dc. As far as I was aware all was ok, life has been hard work with 2 little ones but I assume this is normal.
Then last night dh had left his phone on charge while he showered (he's usually very attached to it) and as I went passed he received a text. It flashes up who and the message, I see its a woman (whose name I've never heard him mention). Message said something along the lines of I hate it when we talk and everyone is watching. Do I hsd a quick look at his messsges. Only had a few minutes but looked pretty friendly all texts ending in kisses, there were also similar from another woman.

I have never gone through his phone before. What the hell do I do now?! If I confront him I show I've been through his phone and don't trust him (which before last night I did)

Any ideas on how I get any more evidence?

How did he explain those drunken nights out with women that he told you were just with the lads?

Oh dear.

Um, no point in you taking STI checks unless he does. He may have something he hasn't given you yet. He's the dirty little shit you need to know is clean.

Not much more to say really, it's pretty much the script playing out.

The real point is, he does this. He thinks it's ok.

Sorry not been back for a few days, have been working.
We are still working together and at this moment in time looks like it can move on.

The sti test I booked before I told him I knew. I saw it as another way of gathering evidence. Up until a week we were having sex, so wouldn't something show?

I haven't told anyone in rl, I feel ashamed.

I did snoop on the phone the other day & saw the messages when he told her I knew and packed his bag. She said that nothing had gone on and was sorry, after reading over the texts could see how it would look, then said she was deleting his number. So all appears accurate, of course there's always a chance this could have been staged for my benefit.

Of course I have the issue of them working at the same place (different departments), but can't beat myself up over what I can't control.

Will this happen again? I don't know but if my experience has taught me anything, the truth presents itself. Bith times I have never been looking for evidence, I've just come across it.

Thank you all again for taking the time to hold my hand through a pretty tough week

And you're happy to sit around waiting for the truth to present itself again, inevitably?
Took 4 years for my truth to come up again, despite me actually looking. 4 years of a shit marriage affect

affecting me.
Good luck with the miserable half life you're choosing to lead from now on.

thing is the evidence just presenting itself is only the bits you happened to spot. possibly it presents itself because it's going on continuously and sooner or later you're bound to spot something.

anyway, good luck to you x

cabrinha is there really any need for that?
By your own admittance you waited 4 yrs in an u happy situation as do many of us.
People leave when they are ready and the op doesn't need any more nastiness from us.
Sounds as if you still have some stuff of your own to work through.

agreed. seems a bit hypocritical to say the least the slate somebody for doing something you yourself did.

i got accused of being harsh earlier for saying i couldn't imagine being able to put up this but it's because actually i really can't imagine putting up with this. you can not only imagine it but did it yourself so surely there's some empathy there?

Remember folks all we can do is imagine what we would do, when you're actually in the situation it's quite often a different story.

Good luck OP, at least it sounds like you're both making ground.

I don't have to imagine but can remember not acting or thinking as I always thought I would!!
We all do things in our own time op.

He has two women, you refer to one woman who has a baby less than a year old and the other woman as being a single parent, so basically, he's got two women lined up???? [shocked] but he's brokering it all, spinning it all, minimising it all................ nothing happened Lining TWO women up really shows his next intentions.

Op, I spent about four years feeling "I deserve more than this" (for different reasons) but I was paralysed and didn't actually leave. So, nobody who's left a marriage expects you to pack his bags the first instant he gets a text from a female you don't know about! But all of the new information and the new clearer way of interpreting it will be chipping away at your denial, I hope. I think we steep ourselves in denial because we all fear change so much.

You say you are afraid of being a single mum. Well, it's a bit adjustment alright, but what I would advise you to do is to really look into being a single mum. The logistics. The practicalities. What forms to download. What FIS you would be entitled to. What childcare arrangements you could make. Would you move, would he move, calculate maintenance on the online calculator.

This is boring bureaucracy, and it make take a week to get through it all, or more. But you know what, if you have it in your head that actually, maybe, maybe if it comes down to it, and if it's the choice you make then yes you bloody well will get through it and get through it happy, then it will give you a bit more power in your discussions wth him.

I always think that in negotiations with men who cheat/want to cheat, if they know that your bottom line is that you're afraid to end the marriage because you fear being single more than you fear having a cheating husband then you just have nowhere to go.............

so do some research, just to bolster yourself up. You could if you needed to, be a single mother. That's not the same as saying LTB. Just believe it. You could do it. And it would not kill you. Just make sure that you believe that when you are demanding more respect from him. If you don't believe that then it's unlikely that he will give you the respect you deserve.

OP, please stop for just a moment and examine the actual point he had brought you to

You (jokingly?) considered telling both of these women about each other

Do you consider yourself to have any agency in this relationship at all ? This isn't going to work, I am sorry.

I guess there is a 0.01% chance that the OP has had the whole story.

What is clear however is that her husband is in complete control of this situation. "They" are going to work on their relationship (because no doubt the OP's lack of attentiveness caused him to seek attention elsewhere), the OP is going to have a STI check because it's her fault for having sex with him while he potentially was having sex with other women, and he will continue to see the OW every day at work.

On the basis that leaving him is not something the OP wishes to contemplate, how about HE goes for a STI check and take the OP along to receive the results. If he hasn't had sex with anyone else, he ought to be profoundly relaxed about doing so. If he breaks into a cold sweat and makes excuses, you'll know the truth.

...and again, sadly, the duplicitous and disrespectful partner gets rewarded with more attentiveness, more "couple time", more childfree fun, an insecure and sexually-competitive partner and, of course, one who doesn't dare to rock the boat in case he decides the grass really is greener elsewhere

this is called "working on the relationship" in some quarters, and massively pushed by this society that pushes the idea that women have to do all the "work" required to keep partnerships together

a sorry state indeed

Anyfucker, totally agree with you....

OP, I have the t-shirt and I got the stripes when I left. I learnt all the lessons in hindsight.

If he has no fear of losing you then he won't suddenly start to value you.

If he can behave how he likes and be rewarded with as AF says a sexually competitive wife and more childfree time then the message there is that you fear losing him, not that he ought to value you more. What 'work' is he doing ?

As I suggested earlier, bolster your confidence by just researching the practicalities of becoming a single parent. Just for your own self-esteem and your own sanity. Imagine what you would do if it came to that. You can do all of this research and fact finding and form downloading and google-searching now. It make take a week but at the end of it, your conclusion will be that you could if you had to be a single mother. And the moment you believe that, really truly believe it, that is the moment that your marriage can change. Until you realise and believe that you could if you decided to, end the relationship, then you have absolutely no power to change anything.

I hate to admit it, but your right af.

No excuses except I'm weak.

Have started looking into single parenting.

Had a look at his phone earlier (can't believe I've become this person who checks her husbands phone), all messages from both ow have been deleted.

Also the one I messaged (she never responded) has leftFacebook.

Feeling down and exhausted today. Think it's just the week catching up with me.

Thanks all

Aaah love, so sorry. Feel awful if you want. Weak is not a personality trait, it is how you feel right now.

You should not be the one feeling exhausted right now: he is. Should be licking your boots.

See how you feel after some sleep.

xo

You're not weak. You're facing uncertainty now, and change is scary. Even changes for the better, people can fear those, so it's human nature, not weakness. You don't know what's next and how to deal with that. But like you say, minimise your fears, control the uncertainty by looking into all the practicalities involved with being a single parent.

It does seem likely he will do something similar again.

Ok have done some research.

Looks like I can get discounted council tax but thats about it (as i work part time but dont pay any child care) the child maintenance calculator says about £100 a week from him.

Think I can afford to stay in house.
What happens to savings? I have contributed most of them (for example my inheritance), so not happy to split 50/50. Same goes for house. Guess if we can't agree then it goes through mediation?

As far as divorce goes, how do I prove adultery? Unless he admits it, I can't see my photos of the texts on his phone will be good enough.
Also have I heard sone where you have to name who he's been unfaithful with? I can do this but seems nasty.

Truth is though, I'm still scared shitless of being on my own

Some sols offer free first half hour consultations so I would put together a list of questions and make the rounds.

You don't need to divorce for adultery. You can cite unreasonable behaviour and use the evidence of probable infidelity as support for that. The grounds really don't matter and he can't challenge unreasonable behaviour as the standard is subjective anyway - it's whether the person seeking the divorce can cope with the behaviour, not whether a random person could.

I'd ask for a fixed-fee session with a decent solicitor to advise you pre-mediation, but if you have to home the kids then you will need a greater slice of the assets to do that with. Have you looked at child/working tax credits - if you use your savings to pay down the mortgage to a more reasonable level you presumably would be below the savings threshold, and perhaps entitled on that basis?

I'm so sorry that you've learned this about him. It's devastating. But life without the uncertainty and anxiety will be such a relief - and there are lovely, decent men out there as well. Ones who'd no more cheat as a lifestyle choice than they would fly.