so I have finally had enough, please tell me I am not BU

[clodhopper13]

Last night I ended my relationship of almost 3 years. I had had a few glasses of wine, but that did not create the feelings that came bursting out.Those feeling have been there for a long long time

I met my now xp after the breakdown of a horrible marriage. I loved him (still do) like I have never loved anyone and felt so happy.

he moved in with me and my kids about 2 years ago, and I became fully responsible for him financially. He has never paid a penny to me for the house nor bills and as he has no income whatsoever, all personal expenditure has also become my responsibility. I just cant do it any more. I have a very well paid job but am in debt and I cant see this situation ever changing. He does some childcare for me , for 1/2 hour most mornings and a couple of hours 2-3 x a week in the afternoons. We have cleaner.

He is trying/ has tried various schemes to make money which involve plans that never work out. He has done some renovation in the house for me - but this has taken two years and is not finished yet. when it is finished ( unlikely now) it will add £20K to the value of the house.

I basically think he is too comfortable and he has said he does want to earn, but not if it means making himself unhappy. I just see me getting deeper into debt, or denying myself any pleasures to make my salary stretch to two.

I was kind of managing with this but I have realised that it will not change. He has been like this for years and found people to support him. I can see that I will have to work for many years and never be able to retire or work part time; I have built up a pension pot and would like to be able to slow down sometime. I am a lawyer and although I love my job its very stressful and I don't want to (have to) work for ever.

Also, our sex life, which was amazing - joyful and intimate has dwindled over the last year to once a month or less. I cant explain how rejected unhappy and unattractive this makes me feel.

so I lost my temper last night and told him to go. He has gone, although he has nowhere to go and no income. I feel desperately upset and have cried all night. But I just cant see a resolution, and I cannot go on like this.....

have I been unreasonable?

His food can't be less than £40 a week so that's over 4 grand on his food alone in the past 2 years... And over 2 grand on fags...

I only lasted a few months because I could see where it was going clod. Actually what bothered me the most was how utterly BORING he was - he literally had nothing interesting to say because he had nothing going on.

But stop making excuses for him, he's a grown man and grown men DO realise what it costs to keep a home going and a relationship healthy. But some of them, and by now you know you're not the exception to the rule with yours, simply don't want to expend the energy.

I'd text him and tell him he's got X days to come get his stuff or it's going in the bin. Then I'd go absolutely no contact since there's really nothing left to say. He's off your sofa and you must try and get him out of your head.

This has been one of my issues BloomingRose - that when I asked him how he would manage if I was not there he would say 'I suppose I would have to get a job" but he wouldn't do it whilst with me to make stuff easier for me...

He is angry because I challenged him. Because I don't get him, because I don't understand 'how much he does' - with my feisty hat on I think I understand EXACTLY how much he does not do.

still scared of the future though

I really can't put the stuff in the bin, its valuable. and important to him. And I really cant face him coming here and packing it all up.
So I think the idea of packing it and having it delivered to him is the best. For me to pack it will take some time- given that I have DC and a FT job. He has not contacted me, and nor do I expect him to, so I have some time to plan.
I need to be no contact.

You are a lawyer you have achieved a lot in life. Your husband before abused you and the children so this could be where all this insecurity , low self worth etc comes from but before your first husband what was your life like too. Was you quite confident and happy before the first husband? Did you have a good childhood etc.

I think you might benefit from counselling. You need to rebuild you.

Altho' I don't think you should spend another dime on him, I do think a removal firm is the least stressful option. It means you don't have to engage with him or his stuff.

I think you will be surprised how much easier life is without him leaning on you.

Think of all the money you'll save! You could spend that on pampering, therapy, holidays, outings with your kids... towards your pension...

The best idea is a removal company to pack and deliver to his Mum's house, if its a Yale lock on the door it can be drilled out with an ordinary drill and the barel replaced a locksmith would probably charge you £60 ish a new barrel will cost you less than £10 a locksmith will just need your ID, say you have lost the key. I would do it myself. It will be much easier on ou this way, avoid seeing him whilst you feel sad, in fact avoid seeing him at all, focus on our lovely children for now.

Your lovely children!

remind me, when I waver that he resets the childcare part and called me only on Friday to say he had not left the house at 9 am as arranged to go and do something so he could be home for DC1 (1/2 day friday) He had left at 10.45 and would not be back; so DC 1 could wait on the doorstep....

stupid fuck. starting to get very angry

Both people in a relationship must work together and pull their weight even if they have different roles. It doesn't sound as if your partner is doing this and everything is falling to you. YANBU to be totally fed up with this one sided partnership with you being responsible for almost everything on your own. I agree that it's time to split up. He isn't the one. If he was then you wouldn't be so unhappy with the situation. Hope you work things out and start to enjoy life more. You deserve to.

You were asking how to explain to people...
In my opinion you don't owe anyone an explanation. You could just say"it wasn't working out " and leave it at that, unless you feel you might get some support from friends by going into more detail.
What you say to your children depends,in part on how old they are.

I wouldn't worry too much about your kids missing this guy...sounds like my step dad. I was so relieved when my mum booted him out....pretended not to be, as she was upset, but kids dont miss much and they will know he is bad news unless they are very young.

There is a whole room in your house full of his stuff? I think you need to start planning what to do with your newly liberated room. What do you like? Sewing room? Library? Playroom for the dc?

There is a school of thought that people like this are actually psychopaths. No, not axe-wielding maniacs, but seriously abnormal: they have no empathy and no conscience and do not believe that other people matter in the least. This man doesn't want to work because he believes that he is so incredibly special that other people should consider it a privilege to feed and house and generally indulge him. You have absolutely done the right thing in throwing him out and your DC will be delighted that he has gone.

I second the psychopaths link. My EXH was totally same as yours Clod. I am 14 years away from him, he still doesn't work, doesn't provide for his kids, thinks he is the reincarnation of Jimi Hendrix. I am in massive debt rearing his children. It is not attractive and with the perspective of 14 years can give you a cast iron assurance that it doesn't get any better, the children get more expensive, it just gets harder.

I left that tool 14 years ago and no joke would not even attend his funeral, actually I would have to for the DCs sake, both teenagers. I regret setting eyes on him, he doesn't pay a penny towards them, has reported me to social services, all in all made my life hell. Please listen to me and walk away.

insomnia strikes....

he really doesn't get it from my point of view AT ALL. I had previously thought that may be he really DID get it , but just didn't want to admit it; on reflection I think he really doesn't. The whole getting up in the morning, having deadlines, having to work even if you don't want to, being judged on what you achieve in a day, having responsibility for bills etc - he just doesn't do it. And I have raised this before - he gets 'ill' if he is 'too stressed'. Its anxiety I think, but none of this is enough for him to actually change what he does.

And I think I thought that because I have money (sort of although I have a lot of debt which is growing slowly) I SHOULD share it with him. But he has started to make comments if I buy something for myself or the kids...And I don't think that's fair.

in fact its all unfair to me. My updated spreadsheet suggests that with 'rent' and bills he has probably cost me in excess of £40K in the last 2 years - since he moved in. And that's being conservative.

He doesn't get your point of view because to him, he is the literal centre of the universe. He cannot empathise properly because he is not interested in anyone else's point of view, problems, difficulties because they are not his own. He is profoundly, utterly selfish. He is 55 years old and selfishness runs through him like a stick of rock and he will never, ever change.
£20k a year? that is awful. Simply awful. Just think what that money could have done. Properly finished the DIY - reduced your mortgage - propped up your pension - university fund for the kids - a new car - two amazing holidays - 100 really nice pairs of shoes...

I read this and thought 'cocklodger' but he's barely even providing cock is he?!

Honestly hard as it is now, you've done the right thing. I agree with SGBs theory about this type of 'person' - my ex was like this. Thought he had a divine right not to work, gave up any job he ever had, leeched off me and his mother, he wouldn't even sign on for ages because even that was beneath him, thought me keeping him was an honour for me. I am fairly well paid but keeping him has gotten me in some debt and if I think about it, it makes me feel ill...I used to tell him I couldn't afford x y or z and about the debt and he just used to tell me I wasn't in debt becaus of him but because I bought clothes or shoes every now and again. I also literally had to do everything - I worked, went to Sainsburys and then cooked. Even if he'd just gone to the shop I'd have felt less stressed.

Sadly I wasn't as brave as you - it ended because he was cheating on me. But I'm glad he's gone now. I realise he brought nothing to the relationship. My revenge has been the fact that I caught him the day before I got paid so he'll have been at a sticky wicket then and he is having to work now. Oh look he can do something besides wanking and playing computer games.

I feel a bit of a mug but I hopefully will always earn money whereas he will give up everything on a whim when suits. It means I'm a good natured person but I need to be careful I don't get exploited.

I'm enjoying my money for me now...holidays, nights out seem cheap because I'm only paying for me etc

I wonder if you maybe need to work on yourself abit - your last partner was abusive but your ex has been financially abusive and I think like me your boundaries a bit skewed. Mine was a pattern of people pleasing etc set in childhood (thanks mum) and I've been having counselling. I'm getting a lot more assertive now.

Stay strong

he really doesn't get it from my point of view AT ALL

No, he gets it. He knows what 'rent' is, he knows what 'bills' are - he just chooses to pretend not to, and to freeze in 'anxiety' to shut you up anytime you mention them.

He's not like an ordinary person who is having trouble understanding Real Life. He's a calculating bastard who knows exactly what he wants. Stop giving it to him. Stop being confused! That's easy to say but he's not as complicated as he's convinced you he is.

The door to the room being locked is a BIG DEAL. Hope some other good posters turn up to help convince you of that.

Hope you feel better, and clearer, this morning

I feel both furiously angry and very tearful.

Not sure how I will cope at work but its a very busy day so I have to go...

colinbutterfly thank you for sharing - it makes me feel less alone to know that other people have been taken in in this way.

I definitely need to work on myself, He must have seen me coming really.

Work's the best place to be at times like this IME. Being busy and focused on something means less 'downtime' to sit there mulling over the negative stuff. Get a locksmith round to open that room as a first step. Aside from being a practical move, I think it'll also be a symbolic way to reassert yourself in your own home/life

It's also symbolic of his behaviour. You'll never 'get' him either - it's all locked away, far beyond understanding. Fifty-five years old, with a shoebox of SEKRIT -KEEP OUT scrawled in crayon.

Practical steps now. Probably won't come naturally to you, or anyone.

1. Arrange for his stuff to be delivered to his mothers, to a timetable of your choosing
2. Just pay for it to be moved - that's the price of freedom
3. No contact

We know it's hard hard hard but we're here