so I have finally had enough, please tell me I am not BU

[clodhopper13]

Last night I ended my relationship of almost 3 years. I had had a few glasses of wine, but that did not create the feelings that came bursting out.Those feeling have been there for a long long time

I met my now xp after the breakdown of a horrible marriage. I loved him (still do) like I have never loved anyone and felt so happy.

he moved in with me and my kids about 2 years ago, and I became fully responsible for him financially. He has never paid a penny to me for the house nor bills and as he has no income whatsoever, all personal expenditure has also become my responsibility. I just cant do it any more. I have a very well paid job but am in debt and I cant see this situation ever changing. He does some childcare for me , for 1/2 hour most mornings and a couple of hours 2-3 x a week in the afternoons. We have cleaner.

He is trying/ has tried various schemes to make money which involve plans that never work out. He has done some renovation in the house for me - but this has taken two years and is not finished yet. when it is finished ( unlikely now) it will add £20K to the value of the house.

I basically think he is too comfortable and he has said he does want to earn, but not if it means making himself unhappy. I just see me getting deeper into debt, or denying myself any pleasures to make my salary stretch to two.

I was kind of managing with this but I have realised that it will not change. He has been like this for years and found people to support him. I can see that I will have to work for many years and never be able to retire or work part time; I have built up a pension pot and would like to be able to slow down sometime. I am a lawyer and although I love my job its very stressful and I don't want to (have to) work for ever.

Also, our sex life, which was amazing - joyful and intimate has dwindled over the last year to once a month or less. I cant explain how rejected unhappy and unattractive this makes me feel.

so I lost my temper last night and told him to go. He has gone, although he has nowhere to go and no income. I feel desperately upset and have cried all night. But I just cant see a resolution, and I cannot go on like this.....

have I been unreasonable?

[Homebird8]

I read this and thought 'cocklodger' but he's barely even providing cock is he?! and would not be back; so DC 1 could wait on the doorstep

Providing it somewhere else perhaps.

So sorry clodhopper . I think you are right to bring this to its end. Practical advice from those who have been there and from me to show you the beauty in the world. Hope work isn't to bad today.

[clodhopper13]

shit. sitting in my office tears pouring down my face and sobbing huge sobs. Managed NOT to do this in front to the DC yesterday but seem to have lost all control today

I'm not good with loss. or abandonment as Ms Norwood would call it. standing up for myself has never ever felt so hard...

[wordyBird]

Let it out, you will feel ok again soon.
This isn't easy. You'll get there though.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

You will be much happier, soon. There will be low periods that will become further apart over time.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Dry your tears and go get a and . It's such a horrible situation to be in and you have everyone's sympathy, I'm sure. No-one goes into a relationship thinking they have to kick ass... we all want unconditional companionship and a nice easy time with the person we think we love. Standing up for yourself is tough.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Good. Those tears needed to come out. Grieve for your dreams but the dry those tears and make new ones.

[onefewernow]

You know a man with this much history won't change at 55.

I really think you need to get some counselling support to help you work out why you fall for these sorts of men, and how to hone your radar for them.

Well done for getting rid.

You know your world will not fall apart without him.

[clodhopper13]

I can't face telling people IRL. Apart from the kids, I think that's because I have not accepted it, not accepted that I really have the right to do this. Not accepted that my great romantic dream is really over.

But I do recognise that I have done in this relationship exactly what I did in my marriage. Turned a blind eye to glaringly obvious problems that I knew I could not live with long term, became the rescuer. For different reasons, but same syndrome.

God I'm fucked up . Such a bloody people pleaser. Ironically he, exP , has given me confidence, the same confidence enabled me to call time now, rather than in the 10 years it took to call time on my shitty exH

someone tell me you can break the habits of a lifetime

[Bedtime1]

Before your first husband who obviously knocked your confidence etc what was lifelike before him. Was you happy. Is there more to why you fear being abandoned and alone so strongly?

[Bedtime1]

I can't help thinking there's more to this from childhood etc for you to feel the need to please people all the time. I mean you sound a very nice person but do all nice people people please?

[onefewernow]

Yes you can fix it. Step one is the recognition.

Why not book some counselling sessions and do some reading simultaneously.

I would suggest Cloud and Thompson on boundaries- a really good book I heard of on here- authors are religious but the book is brilliant anyway, and I'm not a Christian.

The key seems to me to be about recognising where your need to please and rescue came from- probably a learned childhood response VERY common amongst successful women from difficult family backgrounds, rather than marriage, where you likely fine tuned it.

Also, as someone similar, I needed to recognise that stating your needs and expectations assertively is not the same as ensuring you get them met- lots of people let it in one ear and out the other.

Also, if you are assertive at work but not at home, doesn't that say something about your comfort levels in having needs in personal relationship ?

I needed to learn not to be uncomfortable in saying no, and allowing people to own the consequences if their own behaviour. Regardless.

I bet you would find it difficult to state what your unassailable boundaries are. Well, I did anyway. There was always an "unless" clause.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"someone tell me you can break the habits of a lifetime"

At least you're getting quicker :) I'll try to brighten your day with a funny story that illustrates how it's possible to change. Not long after having been unceremoniously dumped by my emotionally abusive exH (who I had spent 12 years trying and failing to keep happy) I went on holiday, Shirley Valentine style, all by myself. Lovely.

Second night I'm there and a nice enough bloke asks if I'd like to join him in the hotel dining room. I'm quite happy dining solo but I go along and we're chatting and suddenly I'm conscious that he's droning on about his exW

"She hates me. The kids hate me. The dog hates me....."

The old Cog would have listened, sympathised, offered kind words of comfort but, after 12 years of shit, something snapped.

"I'm not surprised they hate you" I said, acidly. "You're fucking boring"

:)

[CalamityKate]

Sorry, I'm actually laughing at the bit where you describe how cross he gets when you "don't get him" !!

Oh poor love. He thinks he's just a little bit special, doesn't he?!

I bet if someone actually pointed out that he's a bone idle, deluded cock lodger he'd genuinely be unable to understand why they thought that.

[CalamityKate]

Cogito - brilliant!

[imademarion]

He saved me from the mess I was after my marriage broke down, I was so so happy.

I could have written every single one of your posts including the guilt and the self loathing.

May I suggest counselling which will show you that I fact he didn't save you and that you can and will be happy without him.

You sound wonderful, strong and funny and keen to learn and move on. Spend a bit of time getting to know yourself rather than hoping some bloke will take responsibility for your happiness.

I slung all my fuckwit's extensive collection of shit into a storage unit as he was too busy hanging off his mother's tit sobbing on everyone's shoulder to deal with it.

The removal men put it into the unit. And told me that it was piled very precariously indeed, almost dangerously. It made me laugh through the snot and I knew I would be ok.

[clodhopper13]

cogito - that made me LAUGH ! and I see that you have maintained that position of wisdom !

I have HAD counselling - but I think I couldn't SEE what I can SEE now... I'm bloody broke (ha ha) and not wanting to go down that route right now - but in 3/12 it might be an option

Finished a very difficult and stressful day at work and just been shopping with the kids for food - and had a chat about how we need to work as a team now, I think / hope we can do this...

indemarion who paid for the storage unit ? I have investigated, but I cant see how to pay for a month and then transfer ownership - I don't want to be paying £20 a week for ever... Can I ask how long ago this was for you ?

You are all so so kind, saying nice things about me. Strong is the last bloody thing I feel - but I will just have to push on.

I sent him one text which asked for the key to the locked room and " I will arrange for your possessions to be returned to you" He has not replied. I am scared of how I will feel if / when he does - especially if he turns on the charm

[clodhopper13]

O christ he has sent me an email

[clodhopper13]

a bit about how I do not understand him. A bit saying I exaggerate ( I do about feelings when under pressure, but not about basic facts) A bit critisising me for not understanding that he is under stress and for ths reason our sex life has faltered.

I have written a very very honest email. and sent it before I could change my mind. I ma in bed, reading 'women who love too much' and feeling ok. I have CHOICES and I can control what happens

[imademarion]

It was about five years ago; the storage guys had seen it all before. I used the joint credit card that he'd made a big swaggery old fuss about getting me (which is used exactly once, at which he almost fainted the total fuckwit, he just wanted to put his hand on my arse in public and smirk about 'giving' me a credit card.)

I could have bought and sold him a hundred tones but like a fool I minded for his bloody ego.

Anyway, I emailed and says I wanted his stuff out and it would either all arrive on his mums doorstep or I'd arrange for it to go into storage.

I think he was so scared if the mad old bat that he agreed to paying toot sweet.

I almost wish I'd kept in touch to discover whether he actually had been brained by a falling piece of cleverly balanced worthless tat.

How much stuff has your chap left?

[Hegsy]

He's under stress? FFs heard it all now. You are so much better off without him. You are doing fab

[Plomino]

Of course he's under stress . He's got no one to sort out his life and finance it for him . Poor little hard done by wankbadger of an excuse for a man .

Well done . One step forward . Tomorrow is a whole new day . I'd be spending it planning what to do with a whole empty room .

[pippop1]

What's in the room that it needed to be locked?

You should feel proud of yourself Clod. You know, in your heart and although it is painful, that you are doing the right thing. Are your kids happier with just you now?

[Jaynebxl]

I'm sure it must be possible to get in that room somehow. I'd get a locksmith on the job and stick it all in the back of my car.