so I have finally had enough, please tell me I am not BU

[clodhopper13]

Last night I ended my relationship of almost 3 years. I had had a few glasses of wine, but that did not create the feelings that came bursting out.Those feeling have been there for a long long time

I met my now xp after the breakdown of a horrible marriage. I loved him (still do) like I have never loved anyone and felt so happy.

he moved in with me and my kids about 2 years ago, and I became fully responsible for him financially. He has never paid a penny to me for the house nor bills and as he has no income whatsoever, all personal expenditure has also become my responsibility. I just cant do it any more. I have a very well paid job but am in debt and I cant see this situation ever changing. He does some childcare for me , for 1/2 hour most mornings and a couple of hours 2-3 x a week in the afternoons. We have cleaner.

He is trying/ has tried various schemes to make money which involve plans that never work out. He has done some renovation in the house for me - but this has taken two years and is not finished yet. when it is finished ( unlikely now) it will add £20K to the value of the house.

I basically think he is too comfortable and he has said he does want to earn, but not if it means making himself unhappy. I just see me getting deeper into debt, or denying myself any pleasures to make my salary stretch to two.

I was kind of managing with this but I have realised that it will not change. He has been like this for years and found people to support him. I can see that I will have to work for many years and never be able to retire or work part time; I have built up a pension pot and would like to be able to slow down sometime. I am a lawyer and although I love my job its very stressful and I don't want to (have to) work for ever.

Also, our sex life, which was amazing - joyful and intimate has dwindled over the last year to once a month or less. I cant explain how rejected unhappy and unattractive this makes me feel.

so I lost my temper last night and told him to go. He has gone, although he has nowhere to go and no income. I feel desperately upset and have cried all night. But I just cant see a resolution, and I cannot go on like this.....

have I been unreasonable?

[Twinklestein]

My Partner gave me self esteem and courage

I disagree, I think you found that in yourself. At the most you can say he inspired you to find this. In fact, he gave you nothing and took everything. It was a con trick.

And to be blunt (I'm trying to puncture your romantic picture) I don't think any man of 55, who is unemployed & living with his mum is 'fun and interesting' he's just plain weird and inadequate.

[HansieMom]

You could have his stuff hauled off to storage which you pay for a month.

You don't sound resolute yet.

[clodhopper13]

I don't feel resolute HansieMom I feel scared, alone and inadequate. I keep thinking about the things he did do for me; and the things I cannot do alone - eg finishing the work he started.

I think about the good times we had and the good times we had planned and I feel deeply sad. I watched my kids faces this morning when they had to know that another man has left. And I felt utterly rubbish about myself

But, I think I just have to try and take one small step at a time....
Will storage companies do removals ?

[antimatter]

yes, some do storage and removals

would you have to pay for it?

I would in all honest just pay for someone to remove it and nt really bother about where it goes.
Does he care?

[akaWisey]

clod I've had one of those recently - 53, in mahoosive debt but sat on his arse for a good part of the day every day because he was "worth more than some pissy delivery job".

He went back to mummy too. Very, very angry with me indeed.

He didn't love me, and I'm afraid your's doesn't love you either - he loved the life he had with you because he could fester sit on his arse for the last two years.

Without him draining your resources and weighing you down you can most certainly get by, hell you'll do better that because your life will be yours again.

Charming, attractive men who don't have anything else to bring to the table RELY on their ability to spot and reel in women who work hard, do the right thing, don't like conflict blah blah.

So you're not that woman any more and you will pretty soon reclaim your life. In the meantime as other's have said it's fine, in fact I think its essential that you let your feelings run their course. Including anger, which must be in there somewhere.

[EllaFitzgerald]

But Clod, he wouldn't have finished the DIY he started either! Exactly what was he doing that you couldn't do for yourself? Even if you have to get someone in to finish it, you won't be financing him anymore.

You've said he makes you feel rejected, unhappy and unattractive. He's costing you a fortune and getting you into debt. You've got a cleaner because he won't pull his weight in the house, he's as good as told you that he's too good to work at a job he doesn't want to do, but you can work all the hours God sends. I'm really struggling to see how you're the inadequate one, you already cope with everything alone anyway.

I know it's hard, I really do, but you have to take those rose tinted glasses off.

[Twinklestein]

I think you need to try to have faith OP, that once he's gone you will actually feel better not worse.

Because, actually, it will be a huge weight off your mind.

There are plenty of builders around looking for work in a recession, I have no doubt you can find a good one to finish off the work.

Whatever you fear you children may think, you are sending them an important message that it's not ok to lig or to fund a ligger.

[clodhopper13]

Wisey i'm sorry that you have been through the same thing. Can I ask how long you supported him for before you had enough?

I seem to find it very hard to trust my own judgement and feelings in relationships. I find it hard to believe that I have a point of view that is valid and important to me, and as important as someone else's point of view. I am not like this at work at all, there I am decisive, a leader.

he dislikes my children too, intermittently. Finds them hard work. They are quite hard work I suppose, but I don't like feeling that I have to choose between my kids and my partner

I will need to contact him at some point to tell him to remove his stuff. There is such a lot I cant face packing it up myself and I don't want him here doing it either... If I rent a storage unit for say, a month, what happens if he doesn't remove his stuff after one month? do I keep getting charged for it?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

For the stuff... short e-mail or text saying that he can turn up on a day of your choosing and collect it or you'll dispose of it. Have a friend be there with you when he turns up so that a) you don't get drawn into conversation and b) he doesn't take stuff that's not his. If he doesn't turn up, you chuck it. Certainly don't pay to put it in storage.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would like to know what you actually got out of this relationship in the first place till it ended. Your emotional needs were not met at all and in the end you were carrying him and carrying on where all the other mugs (that's how he really sees you) he had managed to con had left off. Such types hate women actually.

Longer term as well you need to totally reassess your whole approach to relationships. Your inherent low self esteem and worth from the end of your first marriage made you infact easy pickings for such a cocklodger like this man who has now thankfully gone.

He's getting access to a computer from somewhere; blocking you on FB indeed. He is 55 going on 14.

I agree with all of Twinklestein's comment earlier particularly this part:-
"And to be blunt (I'm trying to puncture your romantic picture) I don't think any man of 55, who is unemployed & living with his mum is 'fun and interesting' he's just plain weird and inadequate".

My BIL is in his mid 50s, unemployed and still at home with mum and dad and he is certainly weird and inadequate.

You need to start loving your own self for a change, not acting as either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. As you have clearly seen neither approach works out.

Find a builder, dump his stuff pronto and rebuild your life. Show your children some positive lessons on relationships, they probably only liked him as well because they did not want to upset you.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Re any storage unit he pays for it. That is not down to you. Stop enabling him!. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control anyway.

As the others have suggested have someone there with you when he collects his stuff. A short time limit to collect his items will suffice, give him due notice that if his stuff is not collected then on xyz it will be taken to the tip or charity shop.

[balia]

Put his stuff on the fucking lawn. I'm sure he'll find something 'creative' to do with it - perhaps he can call a removal company and explain he doesn't care about money, I'm sure they'll 'get' him and do it for free.

Look, in many ways you are doing him a favour. Maybe, finally, he will be able to take responsibility for himself.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I am not like this at work at all, there I am decisive, a leader."

You're not applying the same decisive, leadership qualities to your personal relationship because you fear loneliness. This means all the power lies with the person who's continued presence you crave and, if you're unlucky (as you have been), that person will exploit the imbalance.

You shouldn't have to buy a boyfriend...

[TerribleTantrums]

You know when you said he was angry because you don't 'get him', he is actually angry because at long last you do absolutely 'get him' and he found the previous, delusional, you much easier to manipulate.

With the money that you are no longer throwing away on him get a removal company with a packing service. They can box everything up and deliver the boxes to his Mum's house. Let him and her know about a week before the day so that she can clear out space in her garage. Tell them that if the movers can't bring the boxes inside they will stack them in her front garden, no matter what the weather is like.

[Trifle]

Yes, you have been unreasonable. You've willingly allowed him to deny your own children of your hard earned money by frittering it away on him. You've foistered on your children a man who neither likes nor cares for them. you have shown them that in life you don't need to work, you can just find some rich mug willing to support them for free.

Of course he's angry with you, you've pulled the rug out under him and called him out on His freeloading. I expect he's bloody fuming that you've got the audacity to end funding his comfortable free lifestyle.

As for paying for storage for all his belongings, for gods sake grow the backbone you should have developed 3 years ago.

[clodhopper13]

Tantrums that is a GOOD idea. I am sure this will only work if I go no contact. If he comes here - and it will take a day to pack the stuff and move it, I will not be able to cope.

I think I do fear loneliness; and I fear being unlovable. I do know I am/have been a rescuer. I dont know why

At the beginning I thought he had such high self esteem I felt lucky that he chose to be with me. I felt lucky that he wanted ME. And I felt safe and looked after when I was afraid, vulnerable and unsure.

Thank you all so much for talking to me today. I have truly felt that I was being unreasonable not to want to carry on supporting him. Unkind that I was frustrated with his lack of achievement each day. I am so scared that I wont be able to stand the hurt and that I will be either sucked back n or grieve endlessly, romanticizing the relationship. I really need your clear eyed support and advice

[bestsonever]

He got you at your most vulnerable, so forgive yourself for ignoring the signs, perhaps even be glad of the initial hurdle in life he has helped you get through. Don't feel too indebted to him for the emotional support he has been though, as he most likely saw an opportunity in you to support him too and that is what you have done.
This was a relationship of its time, but now it is time to assess yourself and develop your own inner strength - something you cannot do with someone else on the scene easily. Take some time out of relationships, rebuild those neglected friendships and family ties -they really should always feature in your life regardless of there being a man around. I wish you luck, this could be the start of a better future :-)

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Was going to ask you what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up. That often gives clues. It is in childhood that you learnt damaging lessons on relationships which you have now to date carried through to your own adulthood.

You need to seriously reign in your tendency to want to rescue "wounded birds" because they are really not. They just want some sap (this is such a type sees women apart from actively hating them as well) to look after them and mother them again.

[clodhopper13]

You've foistered on your children a man who neither likes nor cares for them

that's true. and very very painful. I thought he would be better at bringing them up than I am. I thought his discipline was necessary. I think really it was verging on the bullying.

I am so weak. I hate myself. I have good instincts but don't listen to them. I have made SO many mistakes

[dunfightin]

Dear OP, this sounds like me a couple of years ago ... it's a hard thing to process but users are very good at using. He will have played up to your vulnerabilities in the initial stages, worked out what got him accepted, what made your otherwise rational self overlook the red flags. When you became a little on edge, he probably was extra good and helpful. Then he reverted to type ... the type being a little boy who he is still sucking on his mother's tit and thinks other women in his life should love him unconditionally and uncritically.
It sucks, honestly it does. And it will suck when you find he has picked up with the next woman who believes his hard luck story - sadly there are plenty around. You've probably guessed that this too is bitter experience.
Can you get some counselling re the aftermath of your marriage and the nasty dent this cocklodger has left in your self-esteem.
There are some wonderful women on here who will get you through akaWisey and Cogito among others.
Please look after yourself, lean on RL friends and slowly, slowly you will recover.

[clodhopper13]

You are all so kind. dunfightin and bloominrose thank you for sharing your experiences. Im glad you have both got out /are leaving and are ok. I'm finding it hard to think of him as so calculating. He can be such great company and so loving and caring. Unfortunately, despite my desperately trying to, I have not been able to suppress my growing resentment about the financial stuff.

and I cant talk to him about it/when I have tried to I realise nothing changes/will change

I'm calmer this afternoon, feels like the calm before the (next) storm. I have made a list of the stuff have bought just for him ie not food/bills etc and it comes out to £15K. I know there is more. I am writing down all the things that will be easier if he is not here / all the things I don't like about his behaviour.

you are right that when he moves on it will hurt like hell. I'm wondering what to tell people when they ask why we have split

[clodhopper13]

he believes he costs 'nothing'. to be fair he doesn't go out and buy expensive stuff but he smokes at least 10/day and of course the car needs petrol, tax, insurance etc. I think he just doesn't realise that all this stuff costs. and I didn't mind providing the 'home' and bills for free as the mortgage is the same whoever lives here but I think he should be responsible for his own expenditure. And there in lies the problem

getting tense again worrying about how to deal with the stuff - practically as much as anything. And its behind a locked door for which I don't have a key