i cant beleive this is happening

[bluesarahjayne]

Im new to mumsnet, and i have no children of my own, just two brillient godsons and a sister who swares by mumsnet so i hope its ok to post.

i am 30 in 8 weeks and have been battleing cervical cancer for the last year, i get more results on friday!

I have been married for 4 and a half years and last week my husband said our marriage was over, no warning nothing.
He says he needs to sort his head out and needs time, im in limbo and its a dark and scary place in so alone and scaerd and cant eat sleep or stop crying.
I know things have not been easy, we both live with my mother as we were saving for a house, he is still there, i am staying with my sisters husband (they are seperated but on very good terms) i see my sister everyday.
I went to work on monday bat was in such a state they told me to go home take as much time as i needed and they will try to find me a job when i feel better, so as i was contracted to them i will not be paid.

no husband, no job, no home ,no money.
One minuet he texts me he loves me then he calls and yells at me, he says i have dystroyed him,
i have always stood by him, when he was sacked for stealing from work i stood by him, when he has walked out of jobs i have paid the bills i even got him a good job where i used to work, i have tryed so hard to be what he wants me to be and now he says he hates me does not want to be near me cant stand me.
I know being ill put alot a stress on him but i did not ask for cancer, i worked through all my treatment and paid the bill.
Im so alone and so so sad...... i dont know what to do now and i just want him to take me back and understand how sorry i am.

Oh, poor you . What a horrid situation. Could it be that your H is having some kind of delayed Post Traumatic Stress reaction to your diagnosis, and it's only now that you are coming out of the other side that he is showing outward signs of it ? I'm sure he does not blame you for developing cancer.

thank you nomDePlume, i just dont know what it is or why he is being so nasty to me,,, he says there is no one else

Hi bluesarahjayne, I am so sorry that you are going through so much. I don't have any advice but couldn't let your post go without replying and sending you a virtual hug {{}}. Sounds like inspite of dealing with cancer you have had to be the one supporting him rather than the other way round. I can see the world looks a very scarey place that moment.

I hope knowing there are people on here routing for you will help a fraction.

H x

No real advice, I'm afraid, but so sorry to hear about all this - will be thinking of you. Keep posting - sometimes it seems to help to talk things through here, when you might find it hard to do in real life.

o you poor thing

sounds like your dh really doesn't know how to express the anger and frustration he must be feeling. not that thats any excuse for acting like this or making you feel so rotten.

would he be open to councelling?

big {{{hugs}}} sarahjayne, you will come out the other side of this i promise

Meandmyboy & Jackieno - Thank you.

PinkTuplips - I have asked him to go to councelling but he will not go. I think he has ahd some kind of break down, but he will not let me help him.

He is going away with work today and then he says he is off to see friends at the weekend. I am really scared that he will do something silly.

i know it's the last thing you want to hear but if he is having some sort of breakdown and you trying to rationalise with him isn't working maybe the best thing is to let him go off and work things through on his own. it's not right or fair but it might be the best way for him to come to his senses and sort things out in his own head.

Oh bluesarahjayne, I am nearly in tears (at work too!), I am so sorry to hear of you having such a hard time.

Don't have any advice, but the ladies on mumsnet are fantastic for support/advice etc.

Best wishes, Patttsy x

Just for everyone else, I recognised bluesarahjayne immediately, she is a close friend of mine and a beautiful person who has been through far more than she has mentioned here yet I have never heard her say anything bad about anyone. She deserves as much support as possible.

Sarah love I thought you were going down to Devon? Do you want to come and stay with me for a bit?

God, so many bloody men going through this at the moment, it seems (several other threads on here), I've just come out the other side (married and happy so there is hope, I promise)(hug emoticon) am 29 too, no kids, married for 5 years.....

My best advice is:

• Give him as much space and time as he needs, he is responsible for his own actions and you really can't do anything about what he does.
• Let him go and do what he wants (I know of course you need stuff from him, but he can't give it just now)
• Take off the pressure for him to decide what to do.
• Look after yourself, do things for you and make sure your own life is full.(SO important) He needs to realise (in the best possible way) what he is missing.
• He married you for a reason and that reason will come back when he is less stressed.

I don't know your situation but I reckon you have good odds of this working

He said he loves you. Let him go (iyswim) and he will come back in his own time and of his own accord.

It will be hell but you will be OK. Take strength from family and friends.

Let me know if I can help in any way. Relate book "staying together -from crisis to deeper commitment" and Samaritans got me through the worst.

it feels like the world has come crashing down, doesn't it. Hang in there

What a complete bastard - get hom booted out of your mums's house - you need to be there and have her support and forget about him completely if that is possible until you are better physically and mentally able to deal with his stupid feckin tantrums.

Sorry to sound so blunt but at the end of the day what is happening to you is far more well physical in the sense of it actually being there than anything that he has going on with him (IYKWIM!!). You don;t need the added stress of him being an arse.

Big Hug anyway. TWINKIE XXX

I disagree (not that he's being an arse, which clearly he is!)

He probably feels like crap about whole situation too and if BSJ wants him back, she needs to get to the bottom of what went wrong, and work with him to fix it, on terms that they are both happy with.

Hi SarhJayne - so sorry all this shit is happening to you !

Is there someone he listens to - like his parents or a sibling - that you could talk to about this ? A friend of mine had similar with her dh and his parents were so livid with him - gave him a really good talking to - and it really made him sort himself out ! Sometimes people need to be mnade to realise how awful they are being !

Sad to admit - but when my dh is being a real arse I mention it in passing to his mum - and it always works !!!

Many, many sympathies, SarahJayne. A very good friend of mine has just finished her treatment for cervical cancer, and if her dh announced he was leaving, I would go round with a machete and let him know exactly what I thought about that

On the other hand, I do know what it's like to the spouse of an ill person, and it is very stressful, but as you say, not exactly your fault! It sounds like through everything you have ended up supporting him, even when this time it should have been the other way around.

He sounds like a complete arse, and/or possibly mentally ill, but to be quite honest, at the moment I think someone else needs to worry about that whilst you concentrate on you.

What does your mum think, since she is still living with him? (I find that v odd, btw, why did you move out?)

Take care of you.

thank you all so much for your kind words of support and advice, my sister was right mumsnet is wonderful.
Anorak i did not go to devon with thenm on sunday as i did not want to mess up work (ha bloody ha) ment to go this weekend, but dont feel up to the long coach trip alone, would you mind if i came to see you for the weekend, and how do i get there?

I will email you.

thank you, sis did new [email protected]

SarahJayne, I've reported your post, only because you've put your email address in in a way that might mean you end up with a lot of spam - bad spamsters go searching for email addresses posted on public boards in order to target you, so we normally write email address like 'bluesarahjayne at hotmail dot co dot uk' - obviously everyone knows to turn the at into @ and the dots into .

I've emailed her and we've chatted on the phone too so I don't need it here any more. Thanks tribpot.

BSJ is my younger sister, and still in a state.
Her prat of a husband is coming to see her, maybe this afternoon, mabey tonight, mabey tomorrow (so he said in the last goading phonecall he made) she is saying she will kill herself he he does not come back as she cant live without him (air and water are the olny things you cant live without) but she has been through so so much that i think this is the straw to break the camels back. i am so so worried about her and i just want to slap him.
He is being so so evil and i dont know why.

no advice to give hust wanted to say so sorry and send you a virtual ((((hug)))) and a pair of big ears to listen xx

He's being evil so that she will think she is better off without him becasue he can't deal with the heaviness of the situation and want's out. Cowardice I'd imagine is the driving force behind his actions. Bloody men ffs, why can't they be strong and step up to the task when they are needed??

Hi Kimi, poor poor Sarahjayne. He is being evil because it's the only way he can brazen out being so absolutely revolting to her. It's a way of covering up his guilt.

Is she staying with you atm?