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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i cant beleive this is happening

57 replies

bluesarahjayne · 07/06/2006 11:08

Im new to mumsnet, and i have no children of my own, just two brillient godsons and a sister who swares by mumsnet so i hope its ok to post.

i am 30 in 8 weeks and have been battleing cervical cancer for the last year, i get more results on friday!

I have been married for 4 and a half years and last week my husband said our marriage was over, no warning nothing.
He says he needs to sort his head out and needs time, im in limbo and its a dark and scary place in so alone and scaerd and cant eat sleep or stop crying.
I know things have not been easy, we both live with my mother as we were saving for a house, he is still there, i am staying with my sisters husband (they are seperated but on very good terms) i see my sister everyday.
I went to work on monday bat was in such a state they told me to go home take as much time as i needed and they will try to find me a job when i feel better, so as i was contracted to them i will not be paid.

no husband, no job, no home ,no money.
One minuet he texts me he loves me then he calls and yells at me, he says i have dystroyed him,
i have always stood by him, when he was sacked for stealing from work i stood by him, when he has walked out of jobs i have paid the bills i even got him a good job where i used to work, i have tryed so hard to be what he wants me to be and now he says he hates me does not want to be near me cant stand me.
I know being ill put alot a stress on him but i did not ask for cancer, i worked through all my treatment and paid the bill.
Im so alone and so so sad...... i dont know what to do now and i just want him to take me back and understand how sorry i am.

OP posts:

kimi · 19/06/2006 13:06

she is going between the flat and daves, se tried cutting her arms this morning, im so so worried

FioFio · 19/06/2006 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

kimi · 19/06/2006 13:24

she saw the gp, he gave her pills, but she cant take them with her cancer drugs.
Phoned some help lines, not very helpful though

DebbsyandBibby · 19/06/2006 13:35

i think you should go back to the gps with her,what a shame for your sister and yourself to be going through this,im so so sorry.What about your parents im sure if they knew how desperate she feels now they would help.

DebbsyandBibby · 19/06/2006 13:35

kimi · 19/06/2006 13:53

dad is dead, and mum knows and is trying to help. sis and he (useless excuse for a ) dh live with mum so sis cant bare to go home at the moment.
She is staying with me and np or with my first dh, we are all trying to help but her (waste of space) dh has told her all this is her fault and she did all the bad things to him, im sure she went to bed every night and said please god im a bit boared can i have some cancer to deal with! but he has brained washed her in to thinking she did wrong when all she ever did was support him (worthless bit of scum)

wannaBe1974 · 19/06/2006 14:06

why is it he's staying with your mum? if that was my daughter's husband I'd have thrown him out!

DebbsyandBibby · 19/06/2006 14:10

oh no kimi thats terrible, i do think you need to get her some proffesional help for all your sakes this is too big for you deal with by yourselves.What about her cancer dr or anyone like that? I wish there was something i could do to help

DebbsyandBibby · 19/06/2006 14:14

what about macmillan to see if they can give you any phone numbers

DebbsyandBibby · 22/06/2006 09:15

hows your sister kimi??

anorak · 22/06/2006 09:33

I had an email from kimi this morning, sarahjayne is still the same . She is such a sweet person, it's just not fair that this is happening to her.

DebbsyandBibby · 22/06/2006 12:35

oh dear lots of love and support to Sarahjaynexx
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

kimi · 11/07/2006 16:53

Bluesarahjayne (my sis ) has started chemo and they have found a lump in her neck.
She is finding it all overwhelming and HE has gone back to his mom and dad, after calling her and saying he was going to stay around and help her through the chemo, he turned up sunday and startd a row with her again and then told her it was ALL her fault, he has not loved her for ages and then he packed up and left.
He told people at work that SHE kicked him out and then told his mother that it was HER who was being unreasonable and he is a f saint, his mother (who having met her i can say is a very stupid woman) took him at his word and has told him he must not give bsj any financial help, (despite him running up a massive credit card bill on her card).
But STILL bsj cant see what a peice of s* he is and just keeps telling me she has nothing with out him ,no hubby, no job, no home.
I really dont know what to do for the best as i think she should put all she has in to fighting the cancer, not answer the phone when he calls her in fact i think she should change her number, but he calls she answers he goads her she gets upset i tell her his an evil arsehole and not to answer the phone to him and she has a go at me.
Im so so worried about her and i dont know how to help her i really dont, because i cant make him come back and love her again, and thats all she wants.

anorak · 11/07/2006 17:07

Hello kimi.

Love is certainly blind isn't it. Have you asked bsj if she feels that even if he did come back it could ever really feel right again.

We know he isn't going to come back but I wonder how it would be if you got her to think how it would really feel if he did. She's never be able to trust him and could never feel the same again after all the things he's said and done. She really needs to face the fact that it's over and begin the grieving process - the long walk towards healing her broken heart.

anorak · 11/07/2006 17:07

I mean she'd never be able to trust him.

noddyholder · 11/07/2006 17:15

I am so sorry for her.Even if he doesn't love her any more she is his wife and is going through this awful trauma with her health he could at least support her through this.What about in sickness and in health?She is better off without him and when she finishes her treatment and feels stronger she won't entertain having someone so awful in her life xx

kimi · 11/07/2006 17:43

I have said she is better off with out him but thats not what she wants to hear, im so angery with him and i feel so afraid and helpless about her cancer.
I have said i will go on saturday and clean her bedroom (as he is such a lovely man he smeared curry and god knows what else over the bed and walls and trashed it all, she does not even have a clean sheet for her bed right now).
But all she can see is that she is alone and she watched our mother live with and be controled by our granmother for years and she feels she is going to be in the same situation (she lives with mom).
I just think she needs to do one thing at a time and the first thing is to deal with the cancer, turn off her phone and get some legal advice about the credit card bills.
I know she feels she is a burden to everyone and i know i sometimes come accross as angrey with her when im not, its just SO frustrating to know everytine he calls she picks up the phone and get more and more upset.
I know she is mad at me too as i have just split up with DH but we are still very good friends, he has been round helping me and new dp paint the new house, but we were together 21 years have two boys and spent a year decideing weather to split or not. She said i was an adultra and living in sin and still dh loves me as well as dp loving me. I feel so guilty and wish i could just make it all better for her.
As for him well i cant tell you what i wish for him but none of it is nice, she found hotel recipts and jewellery recipts in his stuff, but she still cant hate him.

anorak · 11/07/2006 17:47

For most people the jump from loving a husband to hating a cheating creep is something that takes time - he knew what he was doing for a long time but it's all news to her.

I'm sure once it sinks in she'll agree that she can do so much better, but at the moment she's still shocked and disbelieving.

anorak · 11/07/2006 17:48

I'm just popping out kimi but you know my mobile no if you want me. xx

Fluffybubble · 11/07/2006 17:58

So sorry about everything you are all going through .

Just wanted to say that my uncle behaved in a very similar way when my aunt had breast cancer. I think that by being such a s**t and convincing my aunt that she was a burden, & that it was all her fault etc etc that he was able to excuse himself for leaving her at such an awful time. .

That was about 7 years ago now and my aunt has come out the other side... I really hope that you can find some will to carry on, even though it looks so bleak at the moment. You deserve so much better...Take care.

kimi · 11/07/2006 18:10

She has more chemo tomorrow, it makes her so sick, and she has pills pills and more pills to take, she just cant see past where she is now and i dont know what to do to help

anorak · 11/07/2006 21:11

kimi she can't see past now because she needs all her strength just for now. All you can do is be there for her, let her rant, let her cry.

Fluffybubble · 11/07/2006 21:29

It really is a one-day at a time thing...sounds so rubbish but is only way to get through. Maybe you could arrange something nice to look forward to (on a very small, chilled scale, eg girly dvd evening where you can both veg out on the sofa...).

So sorry, there is no magic solution . At least she has you and her friends who value her... at times like these you realise who is really important (as the weak, cowardly and selfish ones do a runner ).

kimi · 12/07/2006 14:21

New dp has paid £130 to take her to see Jamie Cullen tomorrow at tower of london, but she has no "looking forward" to anything at the moment

kimi · 12/07/2006 14:27

I try to tell her that she needs to think about the chemo and deal with that first, then think about the rest but all she can see is a wall of nothingness in her path, and i am getting so frustrated and she thinks i dont want her around, but i do ,i just want her to start to look forward a little bit even if its just having a bath, she is always so perfect, hair, nails, clothes etc but she has not even had a bath

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