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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Dh" visited strip club....

68 replies

Heidsbattered · 16/07/2013 23:27

Last week (Thu) Dh went out with some mates after his footie, they decided to go out afterwards.

Dh best mates wife, is also my closest mate.

Anyway, Dh and his mate decided to continue drinking, and as bars closed at 11pm they decided to go to the local strip club. Angry

Me and wife texting each other in the early am if either one is gone yet, they get in at 4am.

Dh goes out with £60 in his pocket, Dh friend £160

Dh takes another £50 out.

Men come in at 4 am.

Friend checks CC statement as she sees its not there £577, in out standing payments.

Dh next day has sore knob, so I go out and buy canasteen for him (he sometimes gets thrush, die to work attire, so thought nothing of it.

We had sex early sun morning.

Family event Sunday day/evening, I found out after numerous random comments about the strip club.

Apparently Dh can't remember entering or leaving, can't explain the £800 spent, I've asked him to ask his friend, he says he'd rather forget about it.

2 days arguing and he's sleeping in child's bedroom, I haven't slept for 48 hrs.

I'm emotional, and tired.

If he can't remember being in a strip club then how the fruit does he know if he's had unprotected sexual contact, I've google the club, reviews leave little to the naked imagination!!!

I don't want to hear he's a shit husband, dad etc... It's not what I'm needing to hear, or leave the bastard too....

I'm not being "mental" for wanting to get some answers!!! Am I

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidsbattered · 16/07/2013 23:28

Dh friend takes £160 + his credit card.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 16/07/2013 23:35

Nope not mental.

My understanding is that the clubs themselves are tightly regulated as to what men can and cannot do, ie no touching so hopefully the soreness is just an unfortunate coincidence but as he cannot remember, he's off to the clap clinic isn't he regardless of what else you do for your sake.

Hopefully you used a condom on Sunday.

If he was that pissed, I don't know how many answers you will get. That's no excuse, just a genuine comment.

RhondaJean · 16/07/2013 23:35

Has he told you you are mental?

ImperialBlether · 16/07/2013 23:35

What is it you want to hear, then?

And what does he intend to do about his sore knob?

InTheRedCorner · 16/07/2013 23:42

You do need to try and sleep, and be nice to yourself.

I know myself that his reaction of "I'd rather forget about it" is selfish and stupid because apparently he doesn't remember.

That money wasn't spent on sweets and cola, more like champagne and coke.

GingerJulep · 17/07/2013 00:24

Practical steps

  • no more (unprotected) sex for you/him for 6 months (incubation period of some stds)
  • full check up for him at STD place (now)
  • full check up for him at STD place (in 6 months)
  • Ask your friend what the 577 was spent on (if at strip club then you'll be able to work out what was/wasn't likely; if cash withdrawal...)
  • Have chat with your DH about if visiting strip clubs/not saying would be out until early hours/spending that much without consultation with OH is appropriate in the context of your relationship (different for different couples)
garlicagain · 17/07/2013 05:21

Are there no night clubs, gambling clubs, karaoke bars or other late-night establishments in your town, OP, other than strip clubs? How unusual.

£800? Did they go to a swanky West End place? And are they habitual champagne drinkers? If not Yes to both, I think that money went on more than booze, coke and taxis.

What did the reviews say?

I'm trying hard not to leap to conclusions here, but unexplained large spends in a strip club and a sore dick the next day doesn't look too brilliant. More info, please ...

Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 05:34

Garlic I can't give you at answers.... Other than Dh doesn't do drugs, and he hates champagne.

Dh spent £110, his mates CC is £577, Dh won't say if he is paying half etc... This was a bloody school night, on a Thursday.

Friend says its all payments, £12.50 here, £80 their, £125 etc....

The reviews are, blow jobs, sexual contact etc... (The dancers are nude) that's not from the websites itself, but people commenting on other sites or bragging what went on in the club etc....

He says he can't remember a single thing, can't remember entering, nor leaving, and just wants to forget about it.

I asked him to ask his mate and he's again said he didn't want to ask him Hmm as he'd rather just forget about it.

I've asked him to get a STI test he said he's willing to do this.... No appointment made tho!

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 05:37

My head is battered, I've had 6 hrs sleep in 3 days and a huge headache, I had 2 glasses of wine with a friend yesterday, the first one came straight back up, the other went straight to my head. (Not drunk, just a bleak fuzzy feeling)

OP posts:
garlicagain · 17/07/2013 05:44

Oh, poor you ... Thanks for the answers, and well done on looking up the reviews! That must have taken some guts, against the temptation to join H in 'forgetting' about it.

Okay, so we can be pretty sure they availed themselves of additional services. I hate to think of what he would have been doing to get sore, but it's clear he needs to get those tests done and you need to protect yourself :(

After your health, what are the main issues from your pov? He's chosen misogynistic 'entertainment', lied, been unfaithful and overspent on a booze fest. How do you stand on all these things, or don't you know yet?

Rainbowinthesky · 17/07/2013 05:45

I bet he does remember but is choosing not to tell you. Without honesty from him not sure how you can move on. It's utterly ridiculous you have to ask his friend what happened.

garlicagain · 17/07/2013 05:45

Just realised I've asked tons of questions but am (finally Hmm) ready to go to sleep. Sorry. It's an utterly beautiful, sunny dawn out there and I'm sure more MNers will be along to hash things out with you soon! Do take care. x

PedantMarina · 17/07/2013 05:52

Have you asked DH's friend's wife? What did she say?

Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 06:01

I've name changed for this.

It's his dishonestly that is eating at me, he could ask his friend, but he says he'd rather forget about it, I feel he is choosing his mate over me, as friend would then get the answers too, but both are saying nothing.

The night I found out, I couldn't do anything as we were in company, he just laughed and joked saying its no big deal, it's just like a late pub/club.

After our company went, (his mate still there) i told him he needed to tell me the truth, it was our marriage or his mate. I went upstairs to put our children to bed, I came back down and he was gone with his mate. Went to another mates house.

He knew our marriage was at risk, but he choose and sneaked out the house, leaving me at home with our children.

The thrush maybe just a coincidence (as I said he does it it due to work attire) however to me, he was in a seedy strip club, apparently can't remember a single thing, came home with sore knob, but had sex with me, apparently he knows he hasn't cheated Hmm

He just doesn't get why I'm upset, nor do I think he he understand why I'm upset, to him it's just a strip club.

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 06:06

My friend is the same as me, she wants answers, apparently they didn't have any dances and spent the money on champagne and playing pool.

My Dh hates champagne won't drink it at all.

In my friends words, she's bit of a pushover, she is however I don't take advantage of her in any way. However her husband is renowned for doing thugs like this, lying saying he was mugged at cash point with a knife, when in reality he blew the lot of his wages at a casino etc.... And she puts up with it...

However my Dh isn't like this.... He's careful with money, considerate mostly, etc....

He genuinely doesn't get why I'm upset, he says he's sorry,

But would rather forget about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 17/07/2013 06:19

If he doesn't get why you're upset presumably he won't mind if you spend 800 in a strip club,refuse to account for the money and tell him you can't remember what happened. Suggest it and see what he says.

You've told him your marriage is at stake over this but clearly that's an empty threat as you said you don't want to be told to leave. I'm sure he realises that too.

I'm very very sorry this has happened to you. I would be getting myself checked out for stds regardless of whether he does, and repeat in six months. If by some miracle you can bring yourself to have sex with him, use a condom.

WillYouDoTheFandango · 17/07/2013 06:20

Heid, I'm sure he would rather forget the whole thing as he's the one who's fucked up, but there's two of you in this marriage and he doesn't have final say. You have to decide if you need answers or if you are able to go along with him sweeping it under the carpet and you not being able to being it up. Personally I think that it would eat away at my relationship until not knowing would be worse than knowing. Only you know what you can put up with.

PedantMarina · 17/07/2013 06:24

I think it's telling, the company your DH keeps.

You and his friend seem to have had a war for DH's soul. I think the friend won. Sorry.

Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 06:26

Chub, I've been on mn long enough to know how a place like this runs, leaving the knob, he's a shit dad is
Run of the mill comments on here.

He knows my threat isn't a empty one, I will leave him, if that's what is needed, however currently leaving him is not what's eating me, I need some sort of explanation, not I'm wasted, can't remember, want to forget about it, choosing his mate over me.... All the while I'm a big fat mess!!!

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 17/07/2013 06:29

Well I'm sorry you don't like the run of the mill comments on MN. Best smooth it all over with your lying, sore knobbed husband then. Good luck to you.

Yogii · 17/07/2013 06:37

I don't think there are any STIs which show up as a sore knob just three days after infection occurs. Just trying to possibly put your mind at rest re having caught something nasty. But if he keeps saying he can't remember, then he must get tested immediately. Don't have sex again.

MadAboutHotChoc · 17/07/2013 06:38

How convenient that he can't remember Hmm

Cheaters always seem to have selective memories Hmm

So he spent (spunked?) £800 of family money on buying women's bodies and sexual services.

He put the mother of his DC's health at risk.

Nice.

(and to the poster who say that clubs have no contact rules - sadly many dancers will break these rules with clubs turning a blind eye)

Chubfuddler · 17/07/2013 06:45

I'm not suggesting the sore knob is caused by an std. But if he's been doing things to result in a sore knob an std check is in order.

FanjolinaJolie · 17/07/2013 06:50

It is possible the bill was only for drinks.

I had a friend who worked in a hostess bar in London, the drinks prices were outrageous.

Is the CC statement showing individual items or just one big amount for £577.

The total amounts you say that had in cash £60+£50 and £160 was that also spent at the pub before strip club?

FanjolinaJolie · 17/07/2013 06:51

Could a lap dance cause sore knob? Confused

Friction, etc

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