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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"Dh" visited strip club....

68 replies

Heidsbattered · 16/07/2013 23:27

Last week (Thu) Dh went out with some mates after his footie, they decided to go out afterwards.

Dh best mates wife, is also my closest mate.

Anyway, Dh and his mate decided to continue drinking, and as bars closed at 11pm they decided to go to the local strip club. Angry

Me and wife texting each other in the early am if either one is gone yet, they get in at 4am.

Dh goes out with £60 in his pocket, Dh friend £160

Dh takes another £50 out.

Men come in at 4 am.

Friend checks CC statement as she sees its not there £577, in out standing payments.

Dh next day has sore knob, so I go out and buy canasteen for him (he sometimes gets thrush, die to work attire, so thought nothing of it.

We had sex early sun morning.

Family event Sunday day/evening, I found out after numerous random comments about the strip club.

Apparently Dh can't remember entering or leaving, can't explain the £800 spent, I've asked him to ask his friend, he says he'd rather forget about it.

2 days arguing and he's sleeping in child's bedroom, I haven't slept for 48 hrs.

I'm emotional, and tired.

If he can't remember being in a strip club then how the fruit does he know if he's had unprotected sexual contact, I've google the club, reviews leave little to the naked imagination!!!

I don't want to hear he's a shit husband, dad etc... It's not what I'm needing to hear, or leave the bastard too....

I'm not being "mental" for wanting to get some answers!!! Am I

OP posts:
Lastofthepodpeople · 17/07/2013 06:55

'He genuinely doesn't get why I'm upset'

I think he does. He's probably thinking if he keeps downplaying it, you are going to start doubting your instincts (as you are judging by this post) and will let it go.
Please be reassured that you are not over reacting.

He has put you in a difficult position. And disappearing off to his mate's after you told him how unhappy you were and that your marriage was at risk, was really awful. He seems to be deliberately avoiding facing what happened at the club (whether innocent or not)

I'm not going to tell you to LTB, certainly without knowing anything about the rest of your relationship and your situation but trust is the cornerstone of a good relationship and that's being eaten away. I've been in the position where DH has cheated and it was the deception/lies that broke me more than the actual sex.

I think you need to start by going ahead and booking an STI test for him (so he can't wriggle out). Perhaps tell him that if he wants to save your marriage he needs to agree to go to marriage counselling with you. It'll stop him running off to his mate to avoid your questions and having an impartial third party there might make it easier.

Good luck, OP. I hope you get some answers.

ClassyAsALannister · 17/07/2013 06:58

You know there is a strong chance he's saying he can't remember and wants to brush it off because something did happen and he feels guilty.

He doesn't have the right to 'brush it off' at this point in time so he either gives you the answers you need to deal with this and move on or he needs to consider if it's worth losing you over.

Sorry this has been dumped on you Thanks I can only imagine how confused and angry I'd feel if it were me.

(To be honest I'd have most likely left after he ducked out of the house to avoid answering for himself. That's disgusting behaviour).

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/07/2013 07:00

He does remember.

You could ask him to get out until he does.

Thisisaeuphemism · 17/07/2013 07:02

A blow job/sex with someone who has thrush (mouth or vaginal) would give him thrush.

I would go ballistic - not least about the money, the sneaking away, and the lost memory.

marriedinwhiteagain · 17/07/2013 07:11

If he's no track record of this do you think he might be feeling deeply ashamed of himself - not just the club but the fact that he wasn't strong enough with himself and elt himself get carried away under the influence of his friend. The £566 is on the friend's credit card after all and not on your DH's.

You've had a row; you need to let the dust settle and start talking when things are less raw. Hugely positive that he's agreed to go and get checked out.

I think you need to draw a line now, forgive what he's done this time and move on. If he does anything similar then time to review. I think your friend has more to worry about to be honest.

Good luck.

Apileofballyhoo · 17/07/2013 07:11

This is very sad OP. Hope you are ok. Try and get answers and do what you can to protect your health, physical and mental.

DumSpiroSpero · 17/07/2013 07:14

If he can remember for sure that he didn't cheat on you, he must be able to remember at least some of the rest of the evening.

Perhaps if you suggest he may have been drugged and you will be going to the police and the club to ask to review their CCTV footage it might concentrate his memory?

I don't know how likely it is that the club would let you tbh, but the threat might give him enough of a wake up call to spill the beans.

And definitely agree with Ginger about the STD checks etc. In fact I'm not he'd be getting any at all for six months if it was my DH.

Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 07:19

All the money has been spent in the strip money, statements show that.

He now just keeping saying sorry, I need to get my kids dressed and ready for school and me too, as I'm at work in a hour, I look rough as owt with big saggy red eyes, I'm sure I can blame hayfever Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Heidsbattered · 17/07/2013 07:29

My friend found out on the Friday and didn't have the guts to tell me, but was too upset to speak anyway, then I had company on Sunday, and that's when I found out, in front of all my friends.

He was joking and making a big deal out of it saying ah it's only a nightclub, etc.... However indint want to make my guests feel uncomfortable!

He did say later on e was embarrassed to tell me, I told him not too embarrassed he was making "private jokes" to his mate about it!

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 17/07/2013 07:41

I really feel for you Heid. You have every right to know what has happened in these circumstances.
He may not have used the family credit card but he was with someone who spent a lot of money in the strip club.
What annoys me about some people is they don't 'dare' tell the truth when often the truth is not as bad as the situation the other person is imagining.

His vanishing act on the night you found out is damn disgraceful and if he isn't guilty of something, he's going the wrong way about proving it!
I would ask him for a full and frank disclosure and book him the STI check. He should be doing it himself but its too important to let it go.

Pollydon · 17/07/2013 07:41

Is he in the habit of getting so pissed off his tits that he suffers memory loss, or is this a one off ? This alone would be a huge problem for me, never mind anything else.
Would you be able to call in sick to work ? You need rest and some time to yourself Flowers

Ledkr · 17/07/2013 08:02

Op I went through a period of no he drinking and used to get rat arsed but I could always pretty much remember what had happened. It's unusual to remember absolutely nothing.
You don't need him to tell you anything mate because you already really know what that money went on dint you?
Don't wait for him to do it again or eventually tell the truth, make a decision based on what you know.
If you intend to carry on with this marriage then I can't see what him giving you details will achieve tbh.
He's not remorseful in any way so the choice is really simple.
Stay with a man who has betrayed you or
Leave a man who has betrayed you.
In the meantime try to look after yourself if you can so that you can think and act rationally.

Ledkr · 17/07/2013 08:03

Sorry- binge drinking

Fairenuff · 17/07/2013 08:20

I'm not sure what it is that you do want people to say,

He is lying? Well, you know that.

He probably had sexual contact? You know that too.

He isn't going to tell you what he did.

His attitude stinks. He laughed about it and now refuses to talk about it. What do you want us to say? The obvious answer is kick him out until he's ready to talk but you already said you won't do that.

It looks like you'll have to just put up and shut up on this one. Sorry.

RaspberrySchnapps · 17/07/2013 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 17/07/2013 08:33

Get him an STI check booked & one for yourself.

Did he spend £800 of your family money?

Start a 'rainy day fund' and get legal advice.

Would you consider marriage counselling? Would he?

Then consider what you can live with in a marriage, & act accordingly.

It's your life & sexual health.

Lazyjaney · 17/07/2013 08:37

You both know what happened - no point in dredging up the minuitiae, what's done is done. The question is what to do next, and that depends partly on whether it's a one off fall from grace and very out of character or a repeating pattern of behaviour, and partly on whether you are actually prepared to leave over this or not.

Fwiw I do find the MN mantra of LTB unless there is 100% saintly behaviour extremely unrealistic and unhelpful as well, most people are nowhere near perfect, I think in RL many (most?) women would opt to stay if this was very out of character, but make it clear that if it happens again things will be different

RaspberrySchnapps · 17/07/2013 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whocansay · 17/07/2013 08:55

I see six main issues here:

  1. He's dishonest with you at best, outright lying at worst
  2. He's spent £800 of family money in one night on himself
  3. He has been to a strip club / brothel
  4. He doesn't think this is serious, as he's laughing about it with his friend
  5. He put you at risk by having sex with you after doing whatever he did at this club. (A sore knob may not mean an STI, but it could mean vigorous shagging)
  6. He has NO respect for you whatsoever

Not sure what advice you're looking for really. You don't want to hear LTB, but I would certainly make him find somewhere else to live for a couple of weeks whilst I got my head round this. Get yourself checked for STIs at the very least. He 's a wanker and the 'he was led astray by his dodgy mate' bollocks doesn't wash. You certainly are not being unreasonable for wanting some answers, but you probably won't get them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/07/2013 08:57

What do you want to happen ideally, for him to cough up the truth and say sorry?. No you're not being mental for wanting answers but I doubt very much that you will ever find out the whole truth of that evening.

His actions have damaged your relationship; what is he going to do to repair the damage?. Of course he just wants to forget the whole sorry episode but you do not have that particular luxury. He has to put the work in to sort this out with you otherwise his conduct on that strip club night will crop up in every single argument or disagreement you now have with each other.

Strip clubs as well charge a kings ransom for drinks and they may have bought drinks for others; they were likely ripped off big time. This may account for a portion of the high expenditure.

What has the other person's wife said about this whole sorry matter to you?.

ageofgrandillusion · 17/07/2013 08:58

On the sore knob issues, most of the women in these places tend to be quite vigorous/rough as they generally want to get things over and done with. So that would explain that.

Longdistance · 17/07/2013 09:00

What about playing devils advocate with him.

He moves out, until he can remember what happened that night. Maybe you might get some answers quicker than you thought.

ageofgrandillusion · 17/07/2013 09:00

As for he drinks, they are expensive but not that expensive. IME, about 70 for hand relief, 100 per bj, 125 for full mashings.

Whocansay · 17/07/2013 09:02

ageofgrandillusion "full mashings"?!! Now that's a euphemism I've not come across before!

Suesue22 · 17/07/2013 09:04

Of course he's sorry , sorry he got caught. No wonder he wants to forget..

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