Depression, grief and DP has joined dating sites - help!

[Flowersinthedirt]

Things with my DP have been rocky these past few months. My mum died in April after a long fight with cancer, and I have been really struggling. The past couple of years have been awful with her illness, I gave up work in October because I kind of had a feeling we were coming to the end, and then watching her die has just made me just shrivel up. The grief has also brought back my ongoing issues with depression, and I feel quite often suicidal.

My DP has tried to be understanding but he wants our lives to move on. He is particularly concerned that we are stuck in a rut and wants us to start having children. I am in my mid-30s and he feels time is running out. We had both been a bit ambivalent about children but he has decided recently that he definitely wants kids. My ongoing depression, grief, and issues regarding the relationship I had with my mum means I have found it impossible to decide on having children.

He feels his whole life has been put on hold and potentially ruined by my issues. He implies quite often that because of my depression I would be a bad mother. And he takes my fears of having kids as a sign that motherhood would be too much for me. He says I need to fix myself and clearly there is a time-limit on how long I have got. He says he doesn't want to throw our relationship away but he does want to break up with me soon if it's the best thing for us both.

I have discovered in the past couple of days that he has been surfing dating sites, and has made a couple of profiles. He is clearly looking for an escape route. What do I do with this knowledge? Do I confront him? Or do I monitor him? I hope that it's just part of him feeling like he just has to do something and that he won't actually meet anyone...

I have asked my old counsellor if I can see her again. I hope she can help me.

I think you should leave him. I suspect the relationship has reached the point of no return for all sorts of reasons.

Am sorry about your mum.

Flowersinthedirt - I am really sorry for the loss of your mum.

It sounds like your other half has decided that he wants out of the relationship - you can't have one foot in and one foot ready to run.

If you want different things, maybe its time to let go gracefully and have time to grieve, get well, rebuild and have a life without him in it. x

I would definitely confront him with this info, if it was me. I think you need to know where you stand so YOU can make an informed decision about whether YOU want to stay with this man who is putting so much pressure on you at such a vulnerable time of your life. His biological clock may have started ticking loudly, but your DM only died in April and you're still in the throes of raw grief. He is being a total shit IMO and should be focused on supporting you, not pestering you for a baby, saying you'd be a rubbish mother and surfing dating sites.

Condolences on your loss and I'm sorry if all these issues lead to the break up of your relationship. Sometimes people aren't in it in sickness and in health though - they just want everything to be easy and straight forward - but life isn't like that and perhaps it's better that you know now, before you have DC with this man.

Does your DP still have his parents? Sometimes, people who haven't been through this don't understand. A friend of mine lost her Dad and after 2 weeks her bf said - aren't you over it yet? Get some counselling- it will really help.

Thanks for the responses so far.

I have been with my DP 7 years and we generally have very similar aspirations and beliefs. I feel like we have so much invested to just throw it away - particularly when this is a stressful time and we will never know if it was just the stress that broke us or if it was the right decision because we were fundamentally incompatible.

Both his parents are in their early 60s and fit. I realise now what a massive gulf there is between people who have lost their parents and people who haven't. But also he is a very practical person and even if he did lose a parent perhaps he would be able to bounce back quite quickly. So perhaps we are different here.

I feel if I confront him on the dating sites he might just try harder at covering his tracks and I won't know. That would be much worse.

Okay, well let's turn it around. If his DM or DF died and he was really devastated - grief can catch otherwise 'practical' people unawares too - would your reaction to his grief be to tell him to pull himself together, give him a time-frame for that to happen, make it clear that if he doesn't man up then you're going to dump him and find someone else to father your DC, and then sign up to dating sites and POST PROFILES?

He's not just being un-supportive here - he's giving himself an exit route. This isn't about you choosing to 'throw it away', it's about him already heading for the exit. With everything you've got to deal with right now I totally understand your desire to ignore it and hope it goes away, but he's taking action here, and you need to recognise that.

Sorry for your loss.

I am with Juneau on this. Turn it on the head, and the picture becomes quite clear. It is not so much about you, but about him not being a good partner, and therefore not right for you.

Do you think your unwillingness to have children with him is related to him just not being a very good and supportive partner? I bet you cant really picture him as a loving dad, if this is how he behaves when there are issues, such as bereavment, problems etc

What do I do with this knowledge?

You dump him. He is, supposedly, in a relationship with you, but at the same time he is signing up to dating sites. Why entertain any more time with a cheat?

I am afraid that I think he wants out, but thinks the timing is wrong with what you are going through, so he's making these profiles in case he misses out on any opportunities while you are still getting over your DM.

I'm sorry for your loss, but I think you need to cut him out,

Quintessential - He would be a very loving dad. He loves kids, and is great at playing with them. I am always a bit standoffish with kids and he sees this as (another) sign that I would be a bad mother. I do feel unsupported and his lack of compassion at the moment does really worry me, but I put it down to my age. I just turned 35 a few days before my mum died and the fear has gripped him. If this had happened a few years ago I think he would have given me more time and understanding.

BadLad - he hasn't cheated yet. I feel he is just trying to do something to take some control of his life. He feels that I hold all the cards and am stopping his life moving on. Although conversely I now feel like I have a gun to my head.

I feel that if we broke up then it really would be curtains for me.

He is right about one thing, something needs fixing and it's causing you extra pain and trouble so please consider a complete break from him.

I honestly can't see how the way he treats you and approaches sensitive subjects at a time when you are in emotional pieces is any way conducive to him being a brilliant loving father. I don't think he is unique - there are men and women who function like him but if ever there was a time to weigh up how the future with him will be, now is the time.

So during one of the most stressful periods of your life - losing your mother - three months ago, you're burdened with the idea that your issues are ruining the relationship, have been given a time frame to 'sort things out' and he's already on the lookout for something better to come along.

Stop making excuses for him and come out of the 'sunk cost' fallacy of the relationship ("we've been together for years, it would be a waste to throw it away"). You need to start seeing things as they are for your sake, because he sure as hell isn't looking out for you - and never will.

He is not a nice man.

I am sorry for the loss of your mother.

But if this was the other way round, and you at 35 were posting that you'd been in a relationship for 7 years and wanted children, but your dp was hesitating, then people on here would advise you to move on and find someone who wanted children too.

If he really wants kids and you are not sure, then you need to let him go. But it sounds as though he is already making his own way out , sorry.

But, do good fathers treat the mothers of their children in this way?

Flibberty - yes I agree. If things were the other way round and it was him who was on the fence about kids, people would be advising me to leave - whatever grief he was going through.

With regards to kids - I had a very unhappy childhood and the relationship with my mother was complicated to say the least. I have a fear of recreating that family situation. I suppose I have been waiting for the maternal desire to kick in to overcome that, but my fear has always been stronger so far.

Turnip - He is a nice man I promise you, but he has recently had an epiphany that he absolutely wants kids and this has come at an incredibly unfortunate time for us. He feels he doesn't have time to be patient - and indeed has perhaps been patient for too long already.

I feel we are at a crisis and ANY decisions made now are under terrible pressure, and therefore could be wrong - for both of us. Perhaps we need to discuss giving ourselves some time. He has said that if there was a plan mapped out he would find it easier to deal with - even if it was just "we will discuss having kids again in November". If I spend the summer having counselling perhaps I can lift myself out of this depression a bit and look forward more positively.

Being a good dad requires a heck of a lot more effort than just loving them and playing with them. If he feels that his life has been put on hold because he hasn't had your undivided attention for a few months, how do you think he will cope with the reality of parenting?

Can you see him getting up with an ill child at 3am to clean them (and the floor!?

Can you see him taking turns to do night feeds?

Can you see him taking the time to teach a child how to behave and following this through with reasonable discipline?

Or is he planning to be "fun dad" who undermines everything you do and sides with the child in a "Isn't mummy mean?" way?

Do nice people go on dating sites when they're already in relationships, notably when their partner's mother has died? Really? If that's being nice, how does he treat someone he doesn't like

He won't be the brilliant father you think he'll be. If he's certain he wants to be a father right at this very second, do you think he's going to let your ongoing mental health problems get in the way of that? And by that I mean, he's going to be the sort of person who won't 'tolerate' you having problems like post-natal depression, because it would be getting in the way of him enjoying his fatherhood bliss and he wouldn't continue chipping away at you for ruining the experience, rather like he's blaming the problems in the relationship on you already.

I've been in a relationship where I was depressed and thought as soon as I pulled myself out of it, things would improve. They didn't, and in the end his roving eye and genitals went elsewhere. Funnily enough, the depression lifted after that.

"he has recently had an epiphany that he absolutely wants kids and this has come at an incredibly unfortunate time for us."

I did wonder when I read this whether he has revealed this desperate desire knowing full well it will clash with your feelings, thus giving himself a perfect get-out of the relationship. And imagine how well a bloke saying his marriage broke up because his DW didn't want children would go down! He'd have to beat them off with a shitty stick.

coppertop - Funnily enough those are all the things he listed to me last night when he was saying I wouldn't be able to cope being a mum. And he was worried what would happen if I was still suffering from bouts of depression when I had kids. He thinks he would be able to do all that stuff but I would collapse in a heap in the corner, and he is already angry at me for my perceived future failings as a mother. He said that if I am like this over my mum what will I be like when my dad dies, how will I cope if I have kids to look after?

Turnip - You are very close to the mark there. I did mention to him that if I had post-natal depression that would confirm to him that I was an unfit mother and we had made the wrong decision. Even though tonnes of mothers have it I wouldn't be allowed to. And he agreed! That was unpleasant. I feel like if we get through this, and we decide to have kids I won't ever be allowed to feel sad again. And I will have to always be faking how I'm feeling.

I feel as though in my depression and negativity I have inadvertently given him some distorted idea of how I would be. I don't think I would be a bad mother. I have lots of fears, but I think I would love my own children, and certainly be more loving than my own family. But he has cast me as an unloving, unplayful mum who would fall to pieces at the first sign of stress. Perhaps I am to blame for this and I need to work harder to convince him otherwise.

Balloon - That made me laugh. However I'm not sure it's entirely accurate. This all happened virtually immediately after my mum died. He asked me a couple of days after if her death had made me think differently about having kids. I said it made me scared because I wasn't sure she had ever loved me, and it shocked me how you could go through a whole life without loving your kids. He took this is a sign that I definitely didn't want kids and then went into full on breakdown mode himself - crying and not talking to me for days. (He has since sincerely apologised for this).

I think he decided in the past year that he probably did want them. And then the experience of being there throughout my mum's death convinced him that it was a necessity.

I feel like if we get through this, and we decide to have kids I won't ever be allowed to feel sad again. And I will have to always be faking how I'm feeling.

And is that any way to live? Even children have to learn that adults feel sad sometimes and that's ok.

You're walking on eggshells. I've done the 'try to be the happy, carefree woman at the expense of my own feelings' thing and it took me months to get over it.

I think you need to get a copy of Lundy Bancroft's book on controlling men.

It doesn't have to be the end, not if you both want to make it work; what he has done is awful but doesn't necessarily mean he wants out -you must talk to him about this and find out exactly what he is thinking about you and him. You only lost your mum in April and he is expecting you to now recover from your grief and start thinking about a family - why is he in such a rush - you both are still young enough to take your time, you need time to feel better, he should be understanding this.

Something similar happend to me and it didn't spell the end of my relationship, it made me realise the relationship wasn't right and there were many things we both needed to sort out - he may just be looking to see what is out there but ultimately he is not happy so you must confront him right away - you won't know what he wants until you do.

You have just explained very well why the two of you should not have kids together, and why your relationship is doomed.

And it is not you. It is all him.

I feel I am getting angry on your behalf now.

He is using your bereavement to beat you with, and use your grief to outline how you will be as a mother. I am sure you feel wretched and confused at being faced with such unreasonable and manipulative behaviour.

You're being lied to by this man. He's not worried about your depression or anything else. I think he wants out and he's going about it in a very cruel way