Depression, grief and DP has joined dating sites - help!

[Flowersinthedirt]

Things with my DP have been rocky these past few months. My mum died in April after a long fight with cancer, and I have been really struggling. The past couple of years have been awful with her illness, I gave up work in October because I kind of had a feeling we were coming to the end, and then watching her die has just made me just shrivel up. The grief has also brought back my ongoing issues with depression, and I feel quite often suicidal.

My DP has tried to be understanding but he wants our lives to move on. He is particularly concerned that we are stuck in a rut and wants us to start having children. I am in my mid-30s and he feels time is running out. We had both been a bit ambivalent about children but he has decided recently that he definitely wants kids. My ongoing depression, grief, and issues regarding the relationship I had with my mum means I have found it impossible to decide on having children.

He feels his whole life has been put on hold and potentially ruined by my issues. He implies quite often that because of my depression I would be a bad mother. And he takes my fears of having kids as a sign that motherhood would be too much for me. He says I need to fix myself and clearly there is a time-limit on how long I have got. He says he doesn't want to throw our relationship away but he does want to break up with me soon if it's the best thing for us both.

I have discovered in the past couple of days that he has been surfing dating sites, and has made a couple of profiles. He is clearly looking for an escape route. What do I do with this knowledge? Do I confront him? Or do I monitor him? I hope that it's just part of him feeling like he just has to do something and that he won't actually meet anyone...

I have asked my old counsellor if I can see her again. I hope she can help me.

Quintessential - I do agree to some extent. If I wasn't so down, I suppose I would be furious at his lack of support and him actively adding to my feelings of worthlessness by telling me I will be a poor mother.

However things haven't been good for a long time, I think he sees the past couple of years as indication that we aren't right together - and he rather disregards the reasons for why things might not have been good and puts it down to incompatibility. For my part I feel that my depression (which I've struggled with since I was a teenager) reoccurred due to my mother's illness and feeling unfilled with work. And given time I could come out the other side.

I think he totally fails to understand the crippling effects of depression, grief, and a poor childhood. He understands intellectually, but his response is just that there is something wrong with me and "you need to fix it".

Jan - I have asked him what he wants me to do. Although I did not mention the dating sites. He says I need to be strong and fix myself. I am going to see my counsellor. I have been on prozac before but am reluctant to go on it again in case we do end up having children. I do not want the added worry of possible side effects. I feel that I am hiding my sadness quite well so I'm not sure what else I need to be doing to prove to him that I "fixing" myself. Throwing parties?

This isn't about 'fixing yourself'... this particular situation is all about him moving the goalposts in an effort to wriggle out of the relationship and off to sow his wild oats. Rather than be honest with you, he sets up insults, objections and challenges that you can't possibly meet. 'Fix your depression', 'have a baby now', etc. You're being set up to fail and that's cruel

On a more general level, the truth is that not everyone is equipped to cope with another person's depression. If you have a history of depression, that is not the kind of person you want to build a life with.

He sounds horrible. Seriously. You sound like a lovely, normal person who has plenty of good years left to meet someone decent who will love you unconditionally and not play awful games like this, gaslighting you.

I don't have much personal experience of bereavement but from what I've heard it takes at least a year to work through the grief of losing someone close. I'm sure the perspective of a counsellor will help you see your DP in his true light - someone who was supposed to have your back but turned on you in your most vulnerable moment, emotionally abused you and began to cheat on you.

I hope you can get over his betrayal and move on to find happiness either single or with someone who accepts the whole of you. Who understands that surviving hardships will make you stronger and a better mother and lover in the long run.

Btw Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, is a brilliant memoir about getting over the loss of a mother. She also writes with beauty and compassion about bereavement, relationships and other things as Dear Sugar. You might find some solace there, while you wait for counselling to start.

I am sorry for your loss

I wonder how you would feel if you could put a rucksack on your back and set off for a year, going wherever your heart takes you.

At the moment you don't have a job and you don't have the support of a good man. You've had a complicated relationship with your mother and he's neither use nor ornament.

If you split up and stay, you will inevitably see him parading a number of women (men his age who are desperate for children will have a large number of women to choose from, to put it mildly.) You will then wonder whether you should have given in, buried your self and your self esteem and had a child with him.

It wouldn't be healthy for you to have a child with him. He has pre-expectations that you will collapse. If you do, albeit temporarily, he will be the last person who'll be any use to you.

How does that idea take you, that you give yourself a gap year?

Do nice people go on dating sites when they're already in relationships, notably when their partner's mother has died? Really? If that's being nice, how does he treat someone he doesn't like confused

^ This.

I think he's the one making you even more depressed at the moment. He should be supporting you and trying to help you through your grief. You cannot 'fix it' - the insensitive shit. Your mother has died for fuck's sake and how exactly is planning an exit strategy being mature? His behaviour is that of a selfish turd, not that of a future father.

This is not your fault and he needs to go.

Please, you're only going to make yourself more miserable by remaining in this relationship. I think lots of things will fall into place after you've split up. I really do.

"..he was saying I wouldn't be able to cope being a mum. And he was worried what would happen if I was still suffering from bouts of depression when I had kids. He thinks he would be able to do all that stuff but I would collapse in a heap in the corner, and he is already angry at me for my perceived future failings as a mother. He said that if I am like this over my mum what will I be like when my dad dies, how will I cope if I have kids to look after?"

Flowers - Bullies have a tendency to project their own failings or perceived failings on to others. It's why cheaters always accuse their partners of having an affair and try to keep tabs on them. It's why people who are less than attractive themselves feel the need to make negative comments on the appearance of others. It's the reason why partners who do sod-all around the house themselves are the ones who accuse their partners of laziness.

Look at the evidence here. You are dealing with depression and the loss of your mother. Right there in your OP you say that you have asked your old counsellor if you can see her again. You are working your way through this and will understandably need time to do so.

Your DP has a breakdown because of a conversation about whether to have children. How does he deal with this? By belittling his partner, and signing up for a dating site.

I know which of the two of you I would rather have had as a parent. And it's not him!

I agree, I reckon he's adding to your depression and please don't consider children whilst in this situation. I would also say, you need time apart so you can realise this is not all your fault, you are not making him look for other women and if he can't handle your depression then perhaps you should split?

You must confront him about the dating sites, everything must be put on the table if you have any chance at all of being able to move forward as a couple.

Thanks again for all your responses. It's really nice to be able to talk to other people who aren't him about this.

I do agree that his current behaviour is selfish, but I see it as more self-preservation on his part. He has invested a lot of years in our relationship which was initially very good. But the last few years have gone down hill. His behaviour now - withdrawing from me, blaming me for everything, the dating sites, is about giving him some hope that he can move on and find someone "normal" to have kids with. I don't blame him for this really. Although he is only 32, so he has some time, it is my turning 35 which has made him become obsessed with this.

I feel that I have stark choices. With him I have a hope of a comfortable family life, albeit accompanied with the usual trepidation that having children would bring. If we break up then a life of isolation and misery awaits me, although perhaps without the stresses and strains that go with needing to please someone.

What some of you have said about his inability to cope with someone with depression or just going through bad times, is rather worrying. I know he would like life to be one gigantic garden party, with fun and frolics, and I'm not sure I can live up to that. A week after my mum died, we had an argument where he said I "hadn't been much fun recently". That rang all sorts of alarm bells. I wish he could just love me but I think he is too angry at how I have derailed his vision of a perfect life.

BadLad - he hasn't cheated yet.

He has been signing up to dating sites.

That would be enough for me to tell anyone to leave him even if everything else in their life was hunky dory, let alone if his partner was at a low point and needed his support.

If you don't think you want kids, and he is sure that he does, then he would be doing the right thing in calling time on his relationship with you, and looking for someone who does want kids with him.

It's the fact that he's doing the latter while still in a relationship with you that makes him an arse.

My ex DH would blame me for holding him back, not being much fun, being overweight and not having a family.

Turns out when I left him that my depression lifted, I traveled, met DH and had DD and have an amazing life full of adventures.

He is an alcoholic who does exactly the same things now as he did before I left.

Give yourself the best gift and kindest gift you can, freedom to live the life you choose.

"His behaviour now - withdrawing from me, blaming me for everything, the dating sites, is about giving him some hope "

I don't agree. If he wants hope then he should have the decency to be honest with you. Withdrawing, blaming and generally being horrible is just nasty..

A week after my mum died, we had an argument where he said I "hadn't been much fun recently"

Fucking prick

I really think you've worked yourself up into a frame of mind where you think being single is this lonely, destitute place akin to being banished onto the ice a la The Dark Knight Rises. It's really not. This guy is nasty, you're believing everything he says about everything in the relationship being your fault and you're ignoring some serious alarm bells. If you stay, it will get worse.

A life of isolation and misery does not await you. That is plain daft (and I mean that in the gentlest possible way).

People meet new partners all the time. There is nothing unusual, special or wrong with you that will prevent you having a full and happy life.

You actually think he is justified in his behaviour - you are wrong, you have taken on all his failings as your own, they are his.

You really need to develop a backbone here and tell him to grow up, there's still time for starting a family and he's not going the right way about it by treating you so badly.

Please have time apart so you can actually see things for what they are - him treating you with disrespect and you allowing it. Until you do then the relationship has no chance whatsoever of surviving.

He's kicking you while your down OP. It's unforgivable, and you should be livid with him.

Take care of yourself, get your thoughts centered... have some time with just you.

For what it's worth, I had a bad relationship with my mum. I spent all my adult life worrying if things would repeat. They didn't...

Do not have a child with this horrible man.

Pease.

I worry this crisis will see him detach and gradually re-write history. People pick fights just to put an end to the tension and run away rather than talk face to face and maybe accept some responsibility. Hence his sledgehammer tactics.

Perhaps he hoped you'd discover his internet history? Maybe he fears what people will say if he apparently bails out on you as you grieve. It can't be working if he is now fishing for dates. He certainly isn't able to be a rock now, if he ever was. It must feel another deep blow after losing your mum but you need time to heal OP, not feel pressures and dilemmas. How can he say he doesn't want to throw this relationship away when he has gone in spirit already?

Be frank, say you can't offer him more right now and better to finish now than start regretting the past seven years.

"With him I have a hope of a comfortable family life"

Really?

Even if he would still want to be with you, I am not so sure you would have a comfortable family life. He just isnt a very nice person. Not to you at least he isnt.

Having a child puts an enormous strain on even the best relationships. I dont think you have any idea what awaits you regards to the reality of a newborn. To most couples it is like a bomb has been thrown into their existence and just gone off at the arrival of a newborn.

If he cant cope with you suffering bereavement, how will he cope with the never ending sleepless nights and sleep deprivation during babys first year? How will he cope with you being knackered all the time?
How will he cope with you being sore, stitched up down below and bleeding gallons of goo, being to uncomfortable to even go to the loo. Recovering from pregnancy and giving birth?

What if there are complications in pregnancy? Complications during/after birth?

How will he cope with you being frazzled and frustrated as you have been home with a little grizzly bear that cant talk, whose only form of communication is high pitched screams, and requires you to walk around and rock her/him for hours, feeding issues, reflux, colic, constipation, sore and cracked nipples, frustration at baby not latching on properly, worry that baby is not getting enough food, not putting on enough weight. Wont nap in the daytim time, making your day spin and spin like a washing machine on repeat, feeding every two hours throughout the night and then take an hour or so to settle, just to need a nappy change, and then wake up screaming while nappy is changed, and then require another hour, and another feed to settle back to sleep?

How will he cope with coming home to a pit of a house because you have not had time to clean, tidy, do dishes, or cook dinner? Will he be understanding because you have been home with the baby, or will he throw a strop that he has been out working all day and he is coming home to this ?

Based on how this man has coped with you losing your mum and going through bereavement, and you losing your focus on him for a bit? You honestly think your relationship can survive a baby?

Sorry to be harsh, but please take off your rose-tinted spectacles regards this man and the state of your relationship.

hi there

I just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling. I lost my dad in march and I miss him so much and have struggled with grief daily! I am so sorry for your loss...you are not alone.
I was worried that I might be depressed, but saw my GP who told me - 'you are not depressed, you are grieving and it is normal to feel like this'

I think your husband is being awful to you....he should be thinking of you at a time like this, not himself. and to say how would you manage a child when you are depressed like are???? - I am speechless - I have an 8 month old daughter (our first child) and I am still able to be a mummy to her even though I miss my dad every day. (and i still work and do all the normal stuff that life involves) the difference between us it seems is that my husband is supporting me (just like you deserve)

it seems to me he is looking for excuses to do whatever he wants to do. If my partner behaved in that way, even if we sorted it all out, I dont think I would ever be able to trust him again!!

Im so sorry you are going through all this and hope you find some solution soon

oh and I am 41 - so saying you dont have much time left isnt necessarily true

thinking of you xx

Fuzzy - So sorry for your loss too. It is lovely to hear from someone going through the same thing and to know that this is normal. My DP says life goes on, and I have to stop indulging in grief and concentrate on happy things. He just feels like I am one big debbie downer. I try and make an effort and do things - we see friends, family, go cycling, walking etc. But he still goes on about how I'm not smiling enough and putting on enough of a show for his family (!)

We have been clearing my mum's old house recently which was full of her stuff and my childhood things. I have kept a lot of stuff as I can't face throwing it away yet, but he has constantly gone on about my "hoarding" and various other noises of disapproval. When I said this was getting me down we had another big argument where he denied even saying such things (gaslighting I know). Although eventually he conceded that perhaps he had been behaving badly about it.

I wonder that even if we get through this I will resent him for not allowing me to be who I am and to grieve my mum properly. And I will spend the rest of my life trying not to look sad or down about anything in case I get an earful off him. And what some of you have said about him adding to my depression might be right. There is such pressure to be happy-go-lucky generally that I feel like I can't be myself. I like to contemplate and reflect and he wants to be filling his life with "doing things". Perhaps we are incompatible that way and it's bad for us both.

Donkey - what you said about rewriting history is interesting. He often distorts things that have happened, or exaggerates. For instance he said the other night that I haven't worked for a "year and half", when I actually left work in October - 9 months ago. I think he is trying to recalibrate everything that's happened so that he comes out of it being spotless and I look as bad as possible.

However I asked him if we could make a really big effort - him to be more considerate to me, and me to see my counsellor. And I have checked his online dating profiles and he hasn't logged in since Monday, so perhaps he is committing to trying. I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow. There is so much to say! I hope I can put it in a coherent story to her.

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me. It is so helpful to read other people's perspectives. I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't want to burden my dad or brothers who are going through their own grief. DP has his mum and has been talking to her a lot, and I'm sure spinning her an interesting tale. Thanks for being there for just little me

Meringue - Thank you for your recommendation of Dear Sugar. I read quite a lot of that site. Her account of her mother buying a dress for the granddaughter she would never know made me well up. A beautiful story of love and family. (DP would probably roll his eyes, say it was indulgent and that Sugar was wallowing in her grief.)

I bought her book. She sounds like a lovely strong lioness of a woman. And I hope I can be like her.

So it does not matter how you feel, as long as you put on a good show and a smiley face, so he wont have to look at your emotions - and deal with them---

What an arse.

I agree , life does goes on...but that doesnt mean you 'get over it'
I think i will miss dad forever. there are so many things I wish Id said to him and wish he'd been around to see.
Glad you have a counsellor..thats got to be helpful!

I thinking about you and sending you a hug - sounds like you need it xx