Depression, grief and DP has joined dating sites - help!

[Flowersinthedirt]

Things with my DP have been rocky these past few months. My mum died in April after a long fight with cancer, and I have been really struggling. The past couple of years have been awful with her illness, I gave up work in October because I kind of had a feeling we were coming to the end, and then watching her die has just made me just shrivel up. The grief has also brought back my ongoing issues with depression, and I feel quite often suicidal.

My DP has tried to be understanding but he wants our lives to move on. He is particularly concerned that we are stuck in a rut and wants us to start having children. I am in my mid-30s and he feels time is running out. We had both been a bit ambivalent about children but he has decided recently that he definitely wants kids. My ongoing depression, grief, and issues regarding the relationship I had with my mum means I have found it impossible to decide on having children.

He feels his whole life has been put on hold and potentially ruined by my issues. He implies quite often that because of my depression I would be a bad mother. And he takes my fears of having kids as a sign that motherhood would be too much for me. He says I need to fix myself and clearly there is a time-limit on how long I have got. He says he doesn't want to throw our relationship away but he does want to break up with me soon if it's the best thing for us both.

I have discovered in the past couple of days that he has been surfing dating sites, and has made a couple of profiles. He is clearly looking for an escape route. What do I do with this knowledge? Do I confront him? Or do I monitor him? I hope that it's just part of him feeling like he just has to do something and that he won't actually meet anyone...

I have asked my old counsellor if I can see her again. I hope she can help me.

Flowers,
I'm more of a lurker than a poster , so you will not know me.

What your partner needs to realise is that's it shouldn't be about you 'fixing yourself' or airing his assumptions on what type of rubbish parent you would make.

What it should be about is him showing some support and understanding to his partner right now - at a time when you need it most.

Lets face it - he's not showing himself to be up to the job of being a perfect parent and role model to his future children now, why would he suddenly change if they arrived.

Children are for life, are demanding,rewarding, draining ,enlightening little beings all with characters of their own and not all of them are easy.

He is showing himself as having little staying power (already on dating sites) , idealistic ( time to move on ), and power trippy ( knocking you further down with his views on your failings )

He needs to step up.
Become compassionate to your feelings, not thwart them.
Stop labelling you and look at himself.
Support you through a hugely tough time.
And then some more.

Many condolences on loosing your Mum, 3 months is all so soon and fresh.

I lost my Mum and was a ' mess' for a long time. My kids were what helped me to get out of bed in the mornings, I am sure I wasn't a perfect parent at that time - but then I don't think anyone expected me to be or stood judging me; I felt a lot of acknowledgement and support for my grief though.

I cannot believe he could say to you 'imagine what you would be like if you lost your Dad too' .
That's plain cruel .

It happened to me though , I lost my Dad too fairly recently.

It's horrible, but again I have been allowed to grieve as I have needed too.
The thing with grief - if you hold in in; it at least doubles.

All of your 'problems' are not 'yours' , they are his - he has much more sorting himself out than you do.

What you have is natural feelings and reactions to loosing a parent , why you should be made to feel guilty and inferior for that ? No right answer for it.

Look after yourself - he isn't.