So she's gay...

[Nomoredramaplease]

ANamechanging regular

My DSSs mum has came out and is in a new lesbian relationship. She informed DH today and wants him to explain it all to the DSSs before next weekend. DSS are a young teen and a pre-teen and we have no idea how they'll take it. Anybody any thoughts on how to go about this? For what it's worth their mum is saying that it's DH responsibility to talk to them about this kind of thing as he's a man an they're boys, we don't agree necessarily but someone has to do it and their mum won't.

Oh and it'll be DH doing the talking, not me, I just volunteered to and get some advice for him as to how best approach it

I think just as casually as possible, even if your DH is uncomfortable with it.

IMO, he should deliver the news the same way he would if telling his sons their mum has entered a relationship with a new man.

Their sons feelings towards their mum's sexuality may be heavily influenced by your partner's attitude towards it to begin with.

So relaxed, casual, and straight to the point would be my advice.

Be neutral, stick to the facts. There are lot of different kinds of loving relationships. I had to tell my dc about gay relationships as an uncle was gay. My dc haven't really batted an eye lid and just accepted it. Though they were young so I guess open to new things.

I'm surprised their mum won't tell them herself. Do you think there's an element of shame or embarrassment on her part?

If the DSSs are living with the ExP then she is passing the buck.

But as it falls to you and your DP, just be honest.

What a dirty great coward their mother is... Having said that, your DH will probably find they are already familiar with the concept of 'gay' because schools seem to be rather more clued up talking about it (all ages) and it's not the big shock horror subject it once was. Going from 'gay in general' to 'your Mum's gay', however, is bloody tricky.

As for the new relationship, I suppose it's the same as any other new partner speech. They're old enough that you can be honest rather than trying any 'special friend' stuff.

I would strongly recommend that you make sure Mum is accessible on the phone when this news is broken. She can't be let off the hook and they are going to have questions.

At the risk of redundancy, I agree with whistlingnun. If DH reacts with shock horror or excessive awkwardness, they will pick up on that.

it's her job to tell them. Because it's her life and her choices and if they have questions, she's the only one who can answer them. Then, he should be ready to respond to anything they want to say/ask.

Pass that buck back to where it belongs.

I think I'd really worry about telling them because the way the ex wife frames this is up to her. Does she want to say 'I have a new partner, and it happens to be a woman' or does she want to say 'I need to tell you that I've found the real me and am gay'. As nkf says, she may have questions. Was your relationship with daddy ever 'real', that sort of thing....

I wonder if she avoiding this detail in her own mind

I don't know this woman but, given that she's such a coward, is there any chance she's lobbed this one onto DH so that when/if the DSSs are upset/angry/embarrassed with her, she can blame him for telling them wrong? Is this a set-up in other words?

I am 100% staggered that she asked. And equally amazed that your husband has agreed to do the telling.

Leaving the children aside for a minute, what was your DH's reaction to the news?

Does she have a girlfriend?

DSS's are resident with DH and I so he does hold a lot of responsibility with regards to his role as the RP but I, privately, agree with the fact that their mum should be doing the telling. She won't though, she'll bat the questions back to DH. I think DH is mostly worried about how to explain "coming out" to them, their mum has lived a heterosexual life for her entire adult life, she has had a number of boyfriends since DH and the line in our house has always been people are born gay or straight, it's not a choice as such, so does he tell the boys their mum has been living a "lie" for the past 20+ years?

nkf, sometimes it's better to be the one doing the telling simply because you can control what's said. I doubt that's the woman's reason for handing over all responsibility, though.

What's it got to do with your dh? She's an idiot- I would strongly suggest she tells them.

I doubt she has been living a lie. She seems to do pretty much as she wants. She's more than likely just met a woman she wants to sleep with.

Hmm. Maybe. But why in this situation?

It's not that he's agreeing to do it, it's that she's introducing her new partner next week and she wants them to be prepared. Do you think he should just say nothing? That's a sincere question btw, we're sailing in unchartered territory.

There's no need for living a lie stuff - just oh I hear mum is seeing ..Sandra... Yeah she's a woman

Because she's too cowardly and can't face awkward questions?

I think it's her business and she needs to do it. I think you don't pass the buck on something like this. I think she was right to make him aware of it, so he is prepared for questions/comments from the children. But I wouldn't tell for her. Why did he agree?

She wants them to be prepared. Fair enough. So, she should prepare them.

I think with that question about living a lie is up to their mum to answer. Your dh sticks to the facts, no judgement. Any other questions they have need to be asked directly to their mum. How often do they see their mum? Can they see their mum soon after they are told?

Have they met her male partners in the past? Are they used to the concept of her dating in general?

If he says nothing and your DSSs are plonked into a situation with Mum and girlfriend unprepared, that's probably not a good outcome. So a talk about different sexualities perhaps, (bi-sexual?) and that Mum is in a relationship with a woman now but finish off with 'if you want to know more, ask your mother when you see her'.

Oh, for heaven's sake, this isn't a one conversation and it's over job. They may say nothing much and ask about living a lie in three years' time. They may have a torrent of questions.

What on earth gives her the right to set the timescale for when DSS's are told? She wants them told - she tells them

There are a few things that should be told to boys by a father if at all possible - lessons in weeing standing up etc - but NOT breaking the news of their mother's change in sexuality. That is def one for the lady. You could maybe prepare them a little with general light talk, but the convo should only come from the XW.

What's she going to do if DH doesn't tell them?