So she's gay...

[Nomoredramaplease]

ANamechanging regular

My DSSs mum has came out and is in a new lesbian relationship. She informed DH today and wants him to explain it all to the DSSs before next weekend. DSS are a young teen and a pre-teen and we have no idea how they'll take it. Anybody any thoughts on how to go about this? For what it's worth their mum is saying that it's DH responsibility to talk to them about this kind of thing as he's a man an they're boys, we don't agree necessarily but someone has to do it and their mum won't.

Oh and it'll be DH doing the talking, not me, I just volunteered to and get some advice for him as to how best approach it

That feels too soon to be introduced to the new partner. Why the rush on her part? She needs to be supporting her boys with their feelings on this, not going head long into a meet Sandra?

Your dh presumably cannot answer any of the questions his sons might have! What is the point of him doing the telling? He can only give the bare facts and tell them they'll have to ask her if they want any details.
I'm quite aghast actually that she wants him to do it. I think if it were me, I'd like to completely control this: not leave it to a man who might be feeling 27 types of resentment, confusion and indignation.
(And who might not - obviously don't know your dh.)

your dh should tell her to phone them. and if she won't, thisisaeuphemism's suggestion is about right. it is up to her to frame this for her children, not anybody else. i would really not get into it, if she has failed to come up with a way to talk to them about it, then i imagine it's not really that serious a thing to her, and the less said, the better.

She knows DH is a good sort, he's not going to go out of his way to make his DCs life any more difficult that it needs to be. TBH she does have form for this kind of thing, leaving awkward situations to DH but this one is a bolt from the blue. Maybe he should put his foot down but then he's worried the boys will get caught up in the crossfire as such and she'll refuse to see them

I think she should bring the woman along as her friend when she meets the boys and only when the boys have known her for a long time should she tell them she's in a relationship with her.

If she's had a lot of heterosexual relationships then who is to say this one won't last and the next person will be a man?

Or she needn't involve her boys in her love life at all.

Call it "bisexual" and explain the principle that some people like either men or women, maybe?

Agree it should be her call, but if she won't, someone has to...

Imperial I hear you re. not introducing partners too soon but to be honest that's a battle that was fought and lost years ago, the boys are largely accepting of the fact that the partner at the minute won't necessarily be the partner next month. And I'm not meaning that in a bitchy way, the boys have an incredibly stable life with us and they love their mum, they just know she's not necessarily the most reliable person.

I think DH agrees with you about the fact the next partner could well be a man (although I also think that could be a little bit of injured male pride on his part, though he would never say it!) He thinks there's a chance we could go through all this drama and then it'll be over again by this time next month.

Well can't he say, "Why don't you introduce X as a friend for now and then when the boys have got to know her and like her, I'll tell them she's your girlfriend."?

Does she always get her own way?

Honestly he has tried that before, I know it sounds like he's a weakling but she is a law unto herself and I think she genuinely believes that every new person she meets will be the "one". The GF will no doubt be spending the night next weekend, they won't be discrete and the boys aren't babies. The options he has are a) tell them b) don't tell them and let their mum deal with it next weekend c) stop them going over next week.

Do you mean she would let them hear her having sex? With anyone, not just a woman?

No, not that I mean general hand holding, kissing, cuddling normal "couple" stuff. She's not a bad person, she wouldn't go out of her way to hurt the boys but she is thoughtless and doesn't tend to think beyond the moment.

She's thought enough beyond the moment to ask her ex to tell her sons.

she has nfk, I think even she realises this one's a biggie.

Am I weird? I wouldn't do that with a new partner in front of my children the first time they saw him/her.

No, not weird at all Imperial, DH and I were together six months before I even met the boys and I was "Daddy's friend" for a few months after that. But this is the way their mum is, she's always been like it. DH tried to address it years ago when the Social Workers were involved due to various issues with their mum and was told in no uncertain terms that their mum was entitled to introduce anybody she wanted to the boys and in anyway she saw fit. And that's the way it's been, until now when DH has been pulled into the middle of it all.

I think "Daddy's friend" is a bit of phooey too, but that's beside the point. Or besides this point. I think he should thank her for telling him and say very calmly and politely that he thinks it's her responsibility to tell the boys.

In fairness nkf they were very young when DH and I got together and he and their mum had only been split for a year so "daddy's friend" seemed appropriate but I take your point

Tell the boys mum has a new special friend who will probably stay at the house with them. If they aren't babies they will work out the 'special' bit for them selves. It is then up to mum to explain the terms of her relationship to them.

Gender/sexuality is irrelevant frankly. although child protection is but you can't police every encounter.

I feel for you but this isn't really about her sexuality but about her boundaries generally.

I wouldn't be telling them anything.

What happens if he doesn't?

I suppose they either go to their mums and have an incredibly awkward weekend with her and new partner with no forewarning or their mum will just refuse to have them over til DH tells them. Either scenario is equally likely but unpredictable as to which will happen.

If she doesn't have them, it's her problem.

If it's awkward it's still her problem. Your DH can then talk to them when they get back.

What have you (your OH) done on the way of acceptance of gay relationships in general?
Do you think they will be traumatised? Of just consider it one in a string of relationships?