So she's gay...

[Nomoredramaplease]

ANamechanging regular

My DSSs mum has came out and is in a new lesbian relationship. She informed DH today and wants him to explain it all to the DSSs before next weekend. DSS are a young teen and a pre-teen and we have no idea how they'll take it. Anybody any thoughts on how to go about this? For what it's worth their mum is saying that it's DH responsibility to talk to them about this kind of thing as he's a man an they're boys, we don't agree necessarily but someone has to do it and their mum won't.

Oh and it'll be DH doing the talking, not me, I just volunteered to and get some advice for him as to how best approach it

I was going to say exactly what Cogito said upthread. A talk about different sexualities perhaps, (bi-sexual?) and that Mum is in a relationship with a woman now but finish off with 'if you want to know more, ask your mother when you see her'.

I thought Maryz words were good :)

If it's any comfort, a friend of mine left her husband & DC (6 & 11) for another woman. It came right out of the blue. The gender of Mum's new partner was of barely any interest to them - they were concerned about ongoing contact, and that Mum was happy in the new home. Parents handled it all in text-book fashion, everything worked out fine and the kids never did make an issue out of their mother's freshly-revealed sexuality.

Well, kids don't, do they? They know grown-ups probably have a sexuality, but it's the last thing they're interested in!

I don't think they'll be traumatised, but I have a feeling my older DSS will be deeply embarrassed, which I know isn't a good thing but he's the type of child who really just wants to blend into the crowd and none of his peer group have a gay parent as far as I'm aware. We live in a fairly conservative town. We haven't really discussed sexuality in depth beyond some people are straight, some people are gay and it's all ok, if you know what I mean.

Thanks Maryz, you're definitely right about not mentioning sex, nothing more certain to make teenagers cringe!

Absolute drama llama Mrs devere, always has been but normally and for a long time it hasn't really encroached on our lives, the boys seem fairly oblivious to the vast majority of it.

A close school friend went through this and I remember that her mother told her merely that she had a girlfriend, not "I am gay". It was all quite matter of fact. That worked well. My friend didn't want to think about sex (or sexuality) but could happily go along with the idea that she had a girlfriend. Of course, she had the chutzpah to actually tell her daughter herself and offered to answer any questions she might have.

Speaking to DH about it, he's going to tell them that their mum has a new partner that they're going to meet at the weekend, she's a woman that their mum likes very much and if they've any more questions they should ask their mum. He's going to keep it casual, not get into deep conversations about sexuality beyond any questions they may ask which he will answer if he can but only in simple terms not specific to their mum.

Thanks all

Thanks Maryz. Obviously if either of them take it badly then the "plan" may have to be adjusted and that's a sensible suggestion to tell them separately. Hadn't considered that but you're right I think younger DSS will take it in his stride but we may have some issues with older DSS

Of course their mum should tell them. But your dh will probably do a better job of it.

I strongly advise against getting into 'living a lie' or 'bisexual' stuff. I don't think your dh should get into interpreting or speculating on what is going on here. Certainly, he could discuss different scenarios with the kids if that is what they want: e.g. some people only realise in their 30s that actually they are gay, while others move between having affairs with men and with women throughout their lives etc, but you'd need to ask your mum which is more true for her etc.

And actually, this is one problem with the current 'born that way' orthodoxy, which works very well for gay men and far less well for women. If you have raised your children to believe in born that way, you inevitably get to 'living a lie' which is not necessarily true or fair.

The second thing is to expect any kind of reaction, and to expect it to play out over time. I actually disagree with garlicsmutty that children take this stuff in their stride - I've known a number that really haven't - but their first reaction wont' necessarily be the one that sustains through the coming months.

Best of luck to you.

I really didn't intend to say children take it in their stride, and am sorry it seemed that way. My intention was, rather, to hold my friend's family up as a good example of how her new partner's gender was dealt with as the least important aspect of a family breaking up and readjusting. In OP's case, this would translate to 'Mum's got another new partner, her name's Lesley', which is pretty much what others have suggested and OP's DH is going to do.

All the best for the weekend! Hope the boys either aren't bothered or think it's cool. Maybe one of each, eh.

Yup, and I completely agree that that is how it can happen, garlicsmutty

Any progress, OP?

'you know how your mum has always got some new boyfriend or other? Well this time she's got herself a girlfriend for a little change. Apparently you're going to be meeting her next weekend. Her name is Sandra. Remember to be nice and polite as always'.

Update!

So turns out DSS1 already knew as he's FB friends with his mum and she has been posting about the new love of her life. He's all a bit "m'eh, whatever" about it but is hoping it passes before he starts school again in Sept in case his friends tease him. DH has reassured him that if he gets any flack, which he really shouldn't, it'll be dealt with ASAP.

DSS2 said "ok" and went happily off to play again.

All that drama for nothing! But pleased it went over ok an thanks for all the advice

Obviously the mum is an idiot.

All that then posting on fb and having her boy as a friend. Nice one.

You both could help your dss1 come up with come backs if he's teased.
The best being, so?

Sheesh, I can't think of the words to express what I'm thinking about that mum (though funnily I can think of several Yiddish ones).

Best of luck to you and the boys, OP.

I think I need a few Yiddish word to describe my thoughts about it all at the minute too Devora But the boys are ok, thanks!

Lweji it's a strange one alright, it hasn't even occurred to DH or I that she would've had it all up on FB before the boys "officially" knew but who knows what goes on in some people's minds. As it is the boys are fine so that's the main thing.