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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family dilemma - What do I do?

27 replies

Upnotdown · 13/07/2013 22:03

My sis had DS overnight (DS is 5). He was well behaved, had a great time etc etc. That afternoon DM picked him up from my sis house and took him out for the day.

Great. Except he'd pocketed some of my sister's rings - including her wedding ring. And he's lost it. Apparently my mum saw him playing with them in the shop, he said I'd given them to him and she said 'OK'.

My sis is distraught. What should I do? What can I do? I'm so upset.

OP posts:
pictish · 13/07/2013 22:06

Eeek! Did your mum not do a double take when she saw the rings??

I don't know that there's anything you can do! A wedding ring is often considered irreplacable.

Oh God. What a nightmmare! Is ds not offering up anything of use at all?

Xales · 13/07/2013 22:08

Go back to the shop and retrace all of your mums journey before and after asking if a wedding ring has been handed in. You may get lucky.

InsanelyBrainDeprived · 13/07/2013 22:14

You weren't there.. They let him play with then so their responsibility :-/ he's a child so he doesn't know the value of things.

nkf · 13/07/2013 22:17

Retrace steps. Grovel. Ask ds what he did with them. He's not a baby, so he might remember. Offer a reward.

Original poster
Upnotdown · 13/07/2013 22:24

Ds seems pretty sure he dropped it on the car floor but my step dad is getting arsey because he's checked 3 times and its not there. I believe DS.

Im fuming that the rings weren't taken off him straight away but don't want to start pointing fingers. All said and done, he shouldn't have touched them...Sad

OP posts:
LalyRawr · 13/07/2013 22:26

For checking the car could you cover the Hoover hose with a pair of tights and vacuum every little spot? It's very easy for a ring to drop into an awkward spot that you wouldn't be able to see.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 13/07/2013 22:33

I'm am Shock to infinity that your mum didn't take them away from him.

I once saw my 2 year old nephew with my sister's engagement ring and had it from him so fast that neither of us knew what had happened. It was spontaneous - it's so precious

Agree that you need to go and search everywhere for your own sanity. Demand access to the car to look properly. It could have rolled anywhere.

pictish · 13/07/2013 22:35

I am sorry to do this as MN will flay me....but your dad's a man - I can well imagine what his 'looking' is like. If it's anything like my dh's, then I suggest you check the car yourself. Kwim?

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 13/07/2013 23:12

Oh dear. Accidents happen, especially with little ones.

I would search high and low, offer a nin soecified reward if found, contact local police in case they have been handed in, apologise, lecture my DCs on always asking before taking something...It was unfortunate but not malicious.

From a practical angle, the rings should be covered by their house content insurance, so new ones can be chosen. I do understand that the emotional value cannot be accounted for, but the jewels can be replaced at least.

Fingers crossed that they turn up.

Original poster
Upnotdown · 14/07/2013 09:49

Thanks. I'm just at a complete loss as to how to make this better. I've spoken to sis and told her not to lose all hope yet as I'll be looking in step-dad's car when he's at work tomorrow. DS is very confident and sure of what happened/where he dropped it (the others were in his pocket - phew!).

Mum however is trying to deflect. Said to BIL 'Well you lost yours on holiday' and doesn't understand why they're both so upset. Then said to my sis 'Well I only saw him with two' when he clearly had all three (he described the wedding ring to me when I asked him which one he dropped).

Mum never takes responsibility for anything so I feel that I have to, but I wasn't there and don't know how to apart from reinforcing with DS that you just don't pick anything up that isn't yours. Feel so horrible.

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 14/07/2013 09:58

If your mum didn't look closely she might have assumed he had cheap costume jewellery to play with, my lot have always had cheap jewellery for dressing up and games

I really really hope you find them, your poor sister Sad I would be fuming with any of mine who had done this

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 14/07/2013 10:19

up - this is so shit for you. Sad.

To be honest , if this happened to me, my sister would make it better by just doing everything thing she could to look for the ring. Yes, I would be sad and is be fucking livid with my mum but I would know she had do e everything she could. Just like you're doing

Quite often it's not the incident that is upsetting but actually other people's crap reaction and lack of insight.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 14/07/2013 10:20

Ps - I have high hopes for the car.

Could you get a big magnet ? Presume the rings are magnetic? That might help when looking in hard to reach bits. Also, have a torch and the vacuum idea is great

Original poster
Upnotdown · 14/07/2013 10:59

Step-dad is checking the car now with mesh over the nozzle. Fingers crossed.

Thanks, Gobbolino - Mum is too upset to be livid with but more because of other people's reaction's rather than feeling bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Upnotdown · 14/07/2013 11:44

Just spoken to sis - feel even worse now. She used the word 'robbed'.

My sis has no children but she is in her 40s. Trying not to cry and hoping it's just because she's upset.

Step dad hasn't found it.

OP posts:
pictish · 14/07/2013 11:46

Robbed Hmm

I'm sure she knows how bad you feel OP, and frankly I think it bad form and a little sadistic of her to escalate still further.

We can all appreciate her distress of course, but there is nothing to be gained in hammering YOU down about it.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 14/07/2013 13:36

robbed? it was an accident. children pick things up all the time. granted he shouldnt have but he was in their care. why was she not wearing them? or why were they not somewhere safe/out of reach if they mean that much to her?

there is not a lot you can do as you wasnt there. can you go back to the shop and ask just in case? also... what about getting the car properly cleaned? explain the situation and they might be able to find it. have you definitely checked all his pockets and property that he had with him?

i know how bad you must feel but really... its not your fault. dont beat yourself up over it

Svrider · 14/07/2013 15:02

Honestly?...
The rings shouldn't have been where ds could see them and get to them
He's 5 not 15
End of
Sorry your sis Is being a bitch

Purple2012 · 14/07/2013 15:07

Robbed??? Bit of an over reaction. Yes he shouldn't have had them but he is 5. 5 year olds like sparkly shiny things. It is not your fault. They shouldn't have been where he could pick them up and when your mum noticed he had them she should have taken them off him.

wibblyjelly · 14/07/2013 21:32

Any luck in finding it?

Original poster
Upnotdown · 14/07/2013 21:35

Went to see her - DS apologised. She was distraught, sobbing, doesn't want to talk about it and won't let me replace it as she only wants her DH to buy her a ring.

I've told her he's only 5 and like all 5 year olds is drawn to shiny things - he didn't take it to steal it. She said she knows that.

Mum and step dad now want to flatten each other.

I'm exhausted with it.

OP posts:
Alwayscheerful · 14/07/2013 21:38

Oh dear, little ones just love shiny things, my DGd 4 took my DHs heavy gold cuff links to Playgroup to show her friend, luckily she bought them back.

The adults in charge need to take responsibility you were not there.

Good idea about the reward, try the local newspaper they may write an article.

Original poster
Upnotdown · 14/07/2013 22:05

Oh no, AC! Good job they didn't go missing! That is a good idea. I'd do anything just to get it back where it belongs.

They are little magpies at that age - I check his pockets every morning before school. Usually it's just a peg or a lego brick. If he'd taken some of my jewellery before now I'd have discussed it with him but obviously mine is tat and he only goes for the good stuff...Blush

OP posts:
Alwayscheerful · 14/07/2013 22:20

I picked her up to give her a cuddle and asked what was in her pocket, I need them for my alarm clock she said, - she had helped herself to a new pack of Duracell batteries!
I was impressed with her forward planning but now frisk her before she leaves the building.

Original poster
Upnotdown · 15/07/2013 09:47

Yes, frisking is always a good idea. If my sis had kids herself, I think she probably would have been a bit more careful not to leave them within his reach.

I'm giving her a bit of space to come to terms with it now...See how she feels in a few days.

OP posts: