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Original poster

New baby - huge argument with husband

54 replies

toastnjam · 06/06/2006 12:08

I know this probably sounds silly but i feel like the first few weeks with our new baby (6 wks old) have been spoiled becuase me and dh have had a huge argument. it started with me having a go at him about somethign for which he eventually apologised. i failed to accept the apology and the argument continued. We have "lost" about 4 days of being a proper family as a result as whenever we were speaking to eachother, it was to argue. I got so bad, even wondered if i had pnd, which i told dh. but he was so angry with me by this stage, he didn't seem to care. Since the argument, he has been making an effort (done the night feeds for last few nights so i could catch up on sleep as i never sleep when we've argued)It just feels that all other couples have this blissful time(albeit tired and a bit stressed ) when their new baby arrives but ours has been tainted by all the horrible things that have been said to eachother and the aruing and shouting. Anyone else been through this? Or got any advice about how to make things feel better?

OP posts:

Gizmo · 06/06/2006 12:11

A blissful time? Are you kidding?

I hated my husband with a passion for about 6 weeks after ds arrived. It did get better, and it's not surprising given all of you will be sleep deprived and adjusting to having to juggle another set of responsibilities.

It's normal, and you won't have 'broken' things, honest. But you probably do need to keep talking to remember why it is you value each other.

Beauregard · 06/06/2006 12:13

poor you !
I felt i was missing out on the blissful family thing when i had my 2 dd's -due to illness and depression and lots of arguements!To be honest i think that it is an unachievable thing to aspire to
because no one ever admits that their new family is anything other than dreamy.Dont worry about
what you have missed out on focus on the now(been there myself)

Bozza · 06/06/2006 12:16

It feels like other couple has this blissful time.... but I think what has happened with you is probably more normal. Honestly. Human nature really. Tired, hormonal, scared etc.

bluejelly · 06/06/2006 12:18

Take a deep breath and a step back. Your lives have been turned upside down like never before. It's probably the most difficult and demanding thing that either of you have ever faced.
Of course there will be tension and niggles and rows as you both readjust. If you can both learn to bite your tongues, to laugh at yourselves, to compromise and keep talking and sharing the experiences, it will get sooooo much easier.

Oh and don't compare yourself to mythical blissful families. Not sure they exist.

Rookiemum · 06/06/2006 15:10

See my other thread about new baby = worse relationship, believe me you are no different from anyone else. Our baby is 10 weeks old and I had this vision that we would be cooing together with him on the bed together and its just not like that. Nobody else is coping any better either, and your hormones are jumping up and down as well which won't help.

Are you in any new mum & baby groups, I found talking about things really helped, not in a aren't men awful way, but to explore the differences that having a new baby makes, and also to compare your situation to everyone else - you'll probably find its way better than most !

Another thing that helped me was drafting in female relatives to help out ( men of all generations being generally fairly uninterested) its great when my mum is here as there is someone else as fanatically interested in the progress of our littlun as I am !

lua · 06/06/2006 15:16

stand up whomever had this supposed blissful time!
Really, if you only had one huge argument you are doing really well!

Your hormones are all over the place, you are both sleep deprived and your life has been completely turned upside down. And to top it off the supposedly sweet baby sometimes cry non-stop! As long as you all remain commited to this family you will weathered together!

TheLadyVanishes · 06/06/2006 15:16

yep i had rose tinted specs on when i became pregnant and they soon came off!!! my dd is almost 1 and it has been a rollercoaster year full of highs and lows (the lows being the arguments with dh) but as time goes on they become less and less and i've forgotten what half of them were about (apart from tiredness!) first few months are hard so apologise now to each other in advance for any wrong word said when you are in a completely knackered state

robin3 · 06/06/2006 15:18

Reckon it took us a year to really get back to normal after birth of DS1. We were just laughing last night about the fact that we're having our last few days of being nice to each other...DP went upstairs and ran me a bath and made hot chocolate! Baby 2 due in 2.5 weeks.

biglips · 06/06/2006 15:20

i remember the first 6 months and all we were doing was arguing, bickering, picking, bitchin, blah, blah, blah....as we were both knackered and we are both tired we both get ratty!!!! ggggrrrrrrrr!!!!

gigglinggoblin · 06/06/2006 15:26

only a year or 6 months??

ds3 is just turned 2 and we still have ridiculous arguments. i think it is mostly sleep deprivation as he is not yet sleeping through (looong story, they are not all this bad).

you have to take a step back, realise it is a ridiculous argument and both apologise. i usually do it by email cos i hate backing down and then dp will come over and give me a hug (i am usually the most shouty, so he is sometimes a bit scared lol)

things will get better, if you expect perfection you are going to be disappointed im afraid!

motherinferior · 06/06/2006 15:30

The happiest couple I know told me that the only two times they have come close to divorce is during the first six months of their two kids' lives.

It's quite vile, but it passes. Eventually you find you quite like each other again.

LeahE · 06/06/2006 16:01

Oh my, we were so snippy with each other the first few months. When you're not in the situation it's easy to think of it as just "tired and a bit stressed" but it's actually exhausted almost to the point of mild psychosis and really, really stressed -- and those are not conditions conducive to happy family relationships.

OldieMum · 06/06/2006 16:09

Our relationship definitely deteriorated after DD was born. We were both exhausted, so time and energy became valued resources that both of us wanted to conserve, by making the other person take on some of the extra work involved! I remember lots of bickering about who had done more childcare that day, whose turn it was to change a nappy, how to weigh energy spent by me in breasfeeding with energy spent by DH in some other task. Not pleasant. But it did get better. DS is due in a few weeks, so I think we'll need to try hard not to get into this syndrome again. Bliss? I'd settle for co-operation!

DumbledoresGirl · 06/06/2006 16:09

Forget the idea that everyone else is having a blissful time. If I told you what my dh did to me 3 days after our second child was born in the course of the row we were having, you would all tell me to leave him at once and/or report him to the police. I have to say, I was very upset by his actions and felt as you do that he had ruined everything, but you move on, get over it, and we are still together 2 more kids and 8 years down the line.

It is the most incredibly stressful time as well as exciting, and your hormones are all over the place. Plus you are both sleep deprived, perhaps for the first time in your lives. Don't forget that is a form of torture! Plus, I don't know about you, but I didn't even fancy my husband for months after each birth so we couldn't even bond with sex as many couples do after a row.

Hold on in there. It gets better, but it takes time.

motherinferior · 06/06/2006 16:11

Quite frankly I'd have settled for civilised hatred...

mosschops30 · 06/06/2006 16:15

me and dh had an agreement that anything that was said in the night was not carried over to the following day, we were so tired, getting up for feeds and stuff and the crying, we would say tje nastiest things to one another, really marriage shattering stuff .... it was not allowed to be boought up in the morning in the name of lack of sleep.

Worked for us, but please dont think people wander round laughing and feeding ducks, that only happens in magazines and lame adverts

tribpot · 06/06/2006 16:15

I think everyone imagines it will be a case of being "a bit tired" beforehand, whereas in fact it is the most godawful, relentness - I hesitate to use the word 'nightmare' as then you would at least be getting some sleep :)

Cut each other some slack. You are the only two soldiers in your particular trench, you will need each other in order to win this war!

Olihan · 06/06/2006 16:15

I seriously considered divorce pretty much every week when both ds and dd were babies. It's a combination of hormones, extreme sleep deprivation and the huge upheaval your lives have gone through. All you can do is keep talking and remember that it WILL get better as you get used to having this new family set up.

mosschops30 · 06/06/2006 16:16

jesus christ i am turning into Cod

Original poster

toastnjam · 06/06/2006 22:22

Dumbledoresgirl - what didyour dh do? Mine was very spiteful about how i was feeling and pretty much ridiculed me for the way i was behaving. he's apologised now, but it still hurts and will do for a long time, i guess

OP posts:

DumbledoresGirl · 06/06/2006 22:24

Mine put his hands round my neck as if to strangle me.

Please no comments.

moondog · 06/06/2006 22:27

Who exactly was having the blissful time??
Fucking hell,not me!!
The arguing and bickering was the icing on the cake to my string of woes-episiotomy,agony establishing breastfeeding,raging colic,moving house,feeling like death warmed up.

My dh sulked because I wasn't ready to let him return to the marital bed after about 4 days ,and moaned about the house being 'lonely' because I was in bed.

Spent most of the so called babymoon either crying or hissing 'wanker' at regular intervals.

DumbledoresGirl · 06/06/2006 22:28

PMSL Moondog. That is normal marriage isn't it?

Original poster

toastnjam · 06/06/2006 22:36

I'd like to think that the screaming and shouting at eachother wasn't "normal" marriage! When i hysterically told dh how bad i was feeling, he just shouted sarcatically at me "poor you" and stormed off

OP posts:

moondog · 06/06/2006 22:36

He's nice now though.

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