New baby - huge argument with husband

[toastnjam]

I know this probably sounds silly but i feel like the first few weeks with our new baby (6 wks old) have been spoiled becuase me and dh have had a huge argument. it started with me having a go at him about somethign for which he eventually apologised. i failed to accept the apology and the argument continued. We have "lost" about 4 days of being a proper family as a result as whenever we were speaking to eachother, it was to argue. I got so bad, even wondered if i had pnd, which i told dh. but he was so angry with me by this stage, he didn't seem to care. Since the argument, he has been making an effort (done the night feeds for last few nights so i could catch up on sleep as i never sleep when we've argued)It just feels that all other couples have this blissful time(albeit tired and a bit stressed ) when their new baby arrives but ours has been tainted by all the horrible things that have been said to eachother and the aruing and shouting. Anyone else been through this? Or got any advice about how to make things feel better?

He's making an effort at the mo. Still hurts tho

toastnjam - is your dh normally a nice chap? If so, don't worry, he'll return to normal soon. Having a baby is a huge shock to the system for a couple, but at least the mum has something valuable to do - I think a lot of men feel like a bit of a spare part in the first few weeks, 'reduced' to fetching and carrying and assuming a subsidiary role. Maybe he feels left out? He probably needs to get used to the idea that he's not your no 1 priority. I think it takes a while for men to adjust, just as it does for women. He may be being a w*ker at the moment but give him a while.

IME shouting and screaming is pretty much a normal marriage, as long as it doesn't go on all day every day. I've been married for 16 years and I still wonder what I'm doing here some times, but on balance it's still a good idea!

t&j - you are going to have to accept his apology and move on. Dh and I were on the verge of splitting up twice when ds was a baby. We had a horrendous time, and he vowed never to have another child....

I don't know anyone who loved the first few weeks of their baby. I hated the first 8 months if I'm brutally honest. I loved himn to bits, but felt so tired and stressed all the time. He didn't sleep, he winged etc etc (and I'm talking about ds here BTW!!!)

Keep posting on here. I found MN when ds was 10 months old and it saved my life. Anything you need to know you can ask on here. You can start many 'am I being unreasonable' threads! That was the title of my first ever posting in May 2002...I didn't realise how common the title was

yes normally he is fine - at time v considerate, sometimes v infuriating. But he said he felt i was blaming im for everything and that made him v angry. It normally takes quite alot for him to lose his temper but when he does he shouts, bangs doors and says v hurtful things

It's just words. You are both tired and stressed. You must forgive him and make up. Don't let it hang on.

whenever I think back to those first few weeks, I just get upset thinking about how much my DH irritated me, how god awfully tired I was, how I felt that we'd both made the biggest mistake of our lives and that we were stuck with it (i.e. DS!) forever.
And you think it's never going to change but this time does pass.
Good luck

lol moondog

Haven't read the whole thread - dh and I were SO mad at each other after ds1 was born. He in fact got PND(!) (or so I imagine) - he was very depressed for about 3 or 4 months after ds1 was born. Don't remember after dd, but after ds2 (about 5 weeks ago) things have been up and down. Last 2 weeks have been really good, but before that we were really horrible to each other. His best shot at me was when I was REALLY tired (baby about 3 days old) and he said 'well we're all tired, you're no more tired than anyone else' which soon escalated into WW3!

Think it is a product of tiredness, hormones, and anxiety! It'll pass. Things I can do to make things happier are making dh cups of tea when he's not expecting it, and being seen to do jobs round the house! He is now making me cups of tea at 4 in the morning when I'm feeding ds2, which makes me happy too!

when i read these threads I think that I must be one of the luckiest people on earth, and that if I'm ever blessed with a second child it is most likely to be the spawn of satan.

I don't remember being sleep deprived as DS only ever woke once in the night (would sleep from 11 to about 4 and then through from 4:30ish to 7/8), so I genuinely don't remember experiencing the extreme exhaustion that everyone talks about. However ...

I do remember ds being awake from 5-8/9:00 in the evening, refusing to sleep, and crying because ... well quite frankly, because he could. And I remember walking round the house with him singing the teddybear's picnic and trying to be all happy jolly while he ranged from screaming to quiet, and then, just as I thought he had fallen asleep, he would wake again and so it would start. Oh yes, the bliss of those first few weeks ... lol. And dh saying "but the Gina ford book says ..." i could have killed him right about then! And bless him, he really was only trying to help. And then when dh went back to work he rang and asked how DS was, and suddenly he had to go and I felt all rejected because he hadn't had time to ask about me!

Not all couples experience those first few weeks in the same way, but it's bloody hard work however you experience it. It will pass, and in six months when your baby is sleeping through the night (and I will keep fingers crossed that it's sooner than 6 months) you will look back on those times and hopefully they'll all seem like a distant memory.

"Everything you do is designed to fuck up my plans you bastard"
was how I greeted DH one morning when DS was about 10 days old. DH had failed to put the washing on, I think.
This thread is oddly heartening.
It'll get better for both of you, honest.

Psml Pruni.
I remember my sister (big league lentil weaver) waxing lyrical about that book on co-sleeping 'Three in a bed' pre birth,then ringing about 6 weeks later,and screaming
'I could kill that fucking bitch'

LOL moondog

i was startin to feel a bit better but just had Health visitor appt and had to fill in depression questionnaire. Scored 11 which means she cannot discharge me and she's mad me feel worse by almost implying it's an unusual problem that i have because dh and i have had big row. really upset now , was feeling so much better before i saw her

Oh you poor thing, don't let it hold you back she really is only trying to be helpful

She made me feel likei was peculiar and very unusual because we'd had a row.from what i've read on here and from talking to friends, i was starting to feel that some aguing and stress between me and dh was normal at this time, and that made me feel a bit better!

So is it the norm to be stressed have big rows with dh in the first few months of having new baby?

Your hormones are all over the place post-birth. You are tired, your are anxious, you suddenly have this flimmin' baby thing to deal with.
FAr from a blissful time when ds arrived I was sobbing, felt unable to cope ( couldn't leave the house alone with ds...felt like just too much to manage)...
You are normal!

If you are offered help, accept it ( I didn't I told myslef that I would have to cope by myself eventually so I shoudl start trying straight away! D'oh!)

Oh and stick around on MN ( this will also help you to ignore or refute about 80-90% of what any HV tells you!!!!)

Is it the norm? Yes.

is it likely to get better? Yes.

I really hesitate to give this advice as I wasn't treated in any way, but I did apparently have mild PND with ds (hv did tell me i was borderline). It sounds a little as if you associate being discharged by the health visitor with being 'OK' and 'back to normal' and you can't wait for that to happen. But I'm afraid normal is now different, and any help you get in adjusting to that is GOOD. I really wish I hadn't rushed and pressed and hassled to get out of hospital, discharged by the midwives, discharged by the health visitor etc, because it actually would have helped to say 'I'm feeling really miserable and so stressed and so exhausted'. Never mind what's normal or isn't normal, what you should or shouldn't feel. How are you feeling? And if your dh is too knackered to be much help, and if your health visitor is not much use, maybe you could ask your dh to make an appointment with the doctor for you to talk about any help for PND that might be available.

Oh yes, meant to say...having an argument with DH does not automatically lead to a diagnosis of full blown pnd...but a score of 11 on that questionnaire might...so don't ignore that bit!

The first weeks suck, for everyone.

After DS1, one rule we came up with that really improved marital harmony, was this: No Criticism While a Baby is Crying.

Because what starts out in your head as "darling, I really would rather you didn't blah blah blah", comes out as "Please don't blah blah blah", and is heard as "you £&(^^&£ how care you blah blah blah". The crying just makes everyone more tense and antagonistic.

I would say yes. Occasionally you look sentimentally at each other and then you revert to sullen hatred.

Sorry. I should point out I now get on very well with the father of my children.

Ah yes, 'health' visitors. Should also be known as 'fear, uncertainty and paranoia' visitors.

Judging by the number of posts on mumsnet, the idiocies of health visitors are only slightly behind the inadequacies of husbands as a cause of stress to new mothers. I'm not saying there aren't good ones (just like there are some good husbands ) but if she's making you feel like you have a unusual problem, she's either completely inexperienced (and has no children of her own) or is an idiot.

IMHO.