Feeling unsettled: starting to wonder if new "boyfriend" is who he says he is.

[unsettledpetal]

I am on match.com and was contacted several weeks ago by a man who works in London but who comes to my city for work once a month (I am in Scotland). He was quite upfront and just said he would like to find someone to spend time with while he's up as he doesn't know anyone. I presumed he was looking for a FWB/FB type thing or maybe just straight forward friendship. He seemed interesting so I decided to meet him, not really expecting anything much to come of it.

Any way, we really hit it off and have met twice since then but have been texting/emailing all day every day (not like me!).

The thing is that he has an interesting past and I'm beginning to wonder if it's a little too interesting. He is only 28 but has had a pretty varied career path. He has been in the navy and the RAF (not as active duty sailor/soldier - he has a scientific/technical background) but also has seemingly done some photography (amateurish but he says he has sold some of his photos), worked in radio, been a poet/lyricist, does stand up comedy in his spare time and also now works for one large multinational company and is about to move on to another. Does this seem like an awful lot to have done by the age of 28 or are Londoners just a breed apart? He also says he owns his own plane but from something he said I suspect he earns around £50,000. Doesn't seem like the kind of money you'd need to buy a plane? But maybe he has money from other sources?

I can't find any trace of him on the internet (should I expect to if he works for a large well known company?) although he says he has 2 names (the one he was born with he has seemingly changed because it was a bit of a mouthful (parents of foreign origin) although I'm not sure if he has changed names officially).

Other than mentioning the plane (small plane - not private jet) he doesn't make out like he is some super wealthy business man - he shares a flat and doesn't talk of a particularly extravagant lifestyle although to be fair we haven't known each other that long and I don't know all that much yet. I'm just feeling like he might be a bit too good to be true.

How should I deal with this? Is there any way I can check anything if I can't find him online? Should I ask him straight out? Feeling unsettled - can anyone give me their opinion please?

It's the name that's dodge, and the lack of social networking.

If you like him and think it's worth a try, be upfront about it and say you feel uncomfortable not knowing his real name, not having any proof that he is who he says he is, no offence, OD is a funny place etc. he'll either straighten things out or get weird and defensive and you'll have your answer.

Even if its all true, he's a bit braggy isn't he? Managing to drop all these things into conversation as if he was expert at them all, when the truth is more likely (as above) that he did a lot of dabbling in different things. But if you get on well, and you have your twat radar set to 'stun' (to pinch cogito's phrase) no reason not to carry on for a bit. You know that you're becoming a bit sceptical, he doesn't know you are, you'll be increasingly ready with the probing 'next question'/suggestion of seeing his plane/whatever, and it will either sink or swim. And of course you certainly won't lend him any money if the next thing is a sudden fall on hard times door slams shut

If you know the name of the company he works for I would call them and ask for him - if they put the call through and he obviously works there just hang up. Or maybe he has already given you the number and you have already done that? It would not unusual to ask to befriend him on Facebook either.

You could say that you are thinking of visiting some friends in London in the not too distant future and see how he reacts to you suggesting meeting up with him on that supposed trip. If he does stand-up comedy (even in his spare time) then he will have a name you can google. Ask what his stage name is. If he has had any of his lyrics or poetry published you can also ask under what name and find him.

When he stays in your area does he stay in an hotel? If so, call the hotel when he is due there and check his name is booked. If he stays with you then take a quick peek in his wallet whilst he's in the shower.

If things don't add up then ditch him.

Yes the name thing is odd. I'm getting on a bit and don't really know any people who have or use two names. Women who publish in their real, not 'married' name, I suppose? Actors who have a stage name? Big klaxon there.

What is the sciencey background? If he worked for a defence technology company, has he told you its name and his role in it? Has he mentioned a relevant degree?

Because he could have been say the janitor not the next Q.

I think there is serious exaggeration here. And not just a bit of the 'trying to impress' stuff that we all come up with, but it looks pretty sustained and across the board.

You're not going to find a 'killer question' that will show up his level of truthfulness. And as he's miles away, and so you won't really become part of his real life, you have to decide if you live with that as a handful of evenings with a friend isn't going to be a big part of you life and he might be fun.

But don't put any hopes for a relationship onto this situation. Keep busy with other matches.

Always trust your gut instinct. :)

The combination of all the "impressive", "creative" pastimes, plus the lack of any evidence of his existence on the internet, plus the dubious "two names" which allows for a convenient explanation of why you can't find any evidence of his amazing exploits on the internet, plus the strange "in your city once per month" scenario (which gives the perfect means of concealing his "real life" or juggling lots of women at once), plus his supposed salary not matching up with the notion of him owning a plane, plus the idea of him owning a plane yet sharing a flat... it doesn't add up.

I think I am a good judge of character and would steer clear of this person. But ultimately you need to trust your gut instinct and sense of ease.

He's lying. He sounds like a fantasist.

He's given you a false name (ie one that turns up nothing about him when you google him) for a reason.

If you had his full real name you'd probably have more of an idea about the reality of his life.

Trust your instinct. If he prickles you, then you ought to listen to yourself.

I'm not going to say he is a liar, because I don't know...I have done a vast array of (shit, low paid) jobs myself, for example. People might look at me a bit askance when I can reel off so much experience in such varying fields.

However...he does sound a bit of an embellisher, if not an out and out fantasist? A lot of these lying gits seem to opt for the military background bunch of arse, as their favourite spin, so the Navy AND the RAF? I dunno. To be a military techno wizard fits the schoolboy fantasy too.

I think it sounds didgy as fuck, but I've never met him, so....

*dodgy

If in OPs shoes would run screaming for the hills. Not least because of the fact that when he's not in Scotland he's shagging someone else. Or living with his wife. The name thing is a huge red flag.

I've also done a vast array of jobs, some which would sound impressive. I also don't use social media.

If he's working in defence technologies (I've done that as a job) it's possible he's encouraged not to use social media - it wasn't really around when I worked in it (98/99) but I could imagine its now not encouraged.

Share in a plane is pretty common.

I would call the company he works for and check - he won't know you've done this as you'll likely go through switchboard.

Oh I don't know. I think the jobs thing sounds fine if he has a technical specialism, he could have worked for one consultancy or something and been on projects based with all kinds of outfits, including the MoD. But it would sound more fancy to say he 'worked' for them rather than saying, 'I've been an IT consultant with Boring, Dull & Techie based in Hounslow since 2006'.

The hobbies are all plausible but likely to be a bit jazzed up - possibly a couple of comedy stunts at uni, etc. etc.

He may have shares in a plane...

It does all together add up to a bit of an exaggerator (which isn't good) but not necessarily Walter Mitty.

But - go with your instinct, ALWAYS. If he sounds a bit dodge - bail!

Oh the name thing is a bit odd though...

Yep, ditch this zero and find yourself a hero. Many alarm bells ringing.

My mum found herself in a very similar situation after meeting someone on an Internet site, full of promises, impressive background, money etc, she fell hook line and sinker and lost a lot of money along with her self-respect. To be fair we all fell for it, he was a compulsive liar. So just be careful and don't take his word for anything...really hope it's not the same person, he's about 65 though!

Just as an add-on, I have NOTHING against match.com (met my wonderful DP on it!)

Go with your gut x

Personally I think it's all possible but I am trusting by nature. The idea of ringing his company is good. I would get a male friend to go it and pretend to be a headhunter. That way you may even be able to verify his previous career history too.

He's already unsettling you.

He's a new boyf - you have no financial or emotional investment in him.

Why bother?

Just dump him. You don't have to hang on to someone just to give them the benefit of the doubt, just in case they're genuine. It doesn't matter. At an early point in your relationship, your gut is telling you sth's wrong. Listen to it. You don't have to pursue this and it sounds like a big invitation to trouble if you do.

I don't think he could have been IN both the navy and the RAF within that time frame as believe (although I could be totally wrong) that you would have to sign up for 3 years, so that would be 6 years gone just like that. He may of course have been a civilian employee working for the MoD, but in that case it would have been misleading.

DH has two friends with planes. One cost about £30k and is very old. The owner is something to do with a parachute club. Another friend of his was bought a glider by his grandparents! But it does sound a lot like he is trying to impress you. In my experience people with expensive hobbies or items will try to play them down eg "yes, I do fly planes in my spare time but I got flying lessons subsidised by work and now I have my license I have to keep my hours up" or similar.

The name thing is setting alarm bells ringing.

If you do have doubts it would be better to let go now, rather than carry on wondering about everything he tells you. You have instincts for a reason. Trust them.

The name thing is the weirdest.

My dad has a small plane that cost him about 16k so this man having a plane is not totally outside the realms of possibility

I guess if you are a technician not a front-line person you could be in both the RAF then the navy but not sure about that.

The name thing is definitely a bit odd, although I do know someone whose full birth name is long and complicated (Arabic) and he uses a shortened version.

He's a fantasist!
My friend met someone who had a very sinilar sounding CV, we were all a bit dubious, but she was so in love we gave him the benefit of the doubt.
She married him and came to the slow realisation he was a compulsive liar. It was a disaster, the worse thing was that he really believed his stories.

The 'using different names' waves flags for me. Bet one of his names is Walter Mitty.

Instinct says he is a fake.
It's too much - trying too hard to look impressive. Claims of military service and odd reasons for name changes....both of these tend to crop up with fakes.