Upset email to DH - is it ok?

[twosmallbuttons]

After a ridiculous argument over nothing this morning, I'm getting sick of the way DH speaks to me. I've often wondered if he is an EA, I see similar traits in him to my dad and the way he used to treat my mum before she finally stuck up for herself.

Without giving a long boring history, please can you read my email to DH and let me know if it's ok. No doubt he will turn some of the issues around to be my fault anyway

Hi

I want to tell you how upset and disappointed I feel about what happened this morning.

When you shout and get angry and wave your arms around, it makes me feel threatened. When you get angry about me not speaking loudly enough or hearing properly, it makes me feel like you blame me for my hearing problems. When you suddenly backtrack and decide to cycle to work instead of what we'd just agreed, it makes me feel like you're doing it just to spite me (passive aggressive).

I do not want to be treated like this. Especially when I'm supposed to be returning to work with you. Please ask yourself, would you speak to Colleague A or Colleague B in this way? Why do you think it's an acceptable way to speak to your wife and work partner?
It leaves me feeling sad and wary of the future of our relationship, that you seem unable to control your temper over such a small matter.

If I am to return to work in September, I want to be secure in the knowledge that I will be treated with respect and understanding.

Is it too critical or accusatory?

I think it says an awful lot that you aren't able to TALK to your 'D'H but have to resort to an email.

I don't think its too critical. However, I spent 20 yrs saying similar things to XH. I kept thinking, 'If only I explain it in the right way he will 'get' it, and all will be well', He never did hear me, or chose not to. I hope it will be different for you, but IMO you need a plan for if he chooses not to listen IUSWIM.

He already knows how you feel. He just doesn't care.

DH is in a meeting now and then I'm meeting him for lunch. I want him to read this first so we can talk about it at lunch.

You should send it if you feel you've not been clear enough yet about how it makes you feel but it sounds like he may know and be doing on purpose.

If you have hearing problems(?) then it's surely a deal breaker in itself if he's making an issue of it when it's something you can't help, surely.

What are the alternative options then, instead of sending the email? Do you mean just tell him face to face? Or do you mean it's gone past that point?

Meet him for lunch and take the email. Say I want to talk to you about this stuff but thought it was a bit impersonal to send it over email

I think it's a mistake to send a mail that detailed. All it needs to say is 'we need to talk' because, if you're going to stand up to him you have to do it face to face. Also, be wary of letting him know he's hurt your feelings, and made you feel sad, intimidated and so on. If he is a bully, that kind of information is just confirmation that they're having the desired effect... counter-productive, therefore. Asking him to imagine talking to a colleague that way is also not going to wash with a bully. They don't care.

Just tell him to his face that the behaviour is unacceptable, intolerable and that, if he doesn't change his ways, you'll be telling him to leave. If he blows up at you for saying it, then follow through....

I would just send an email and tell him you both need to have a talk face to face as you are unhappy about what happened and leave it at that.

Thanks Cogito. DH usually wants to know exactly what about his behaviour I'm complaining about, which is why I thought explaining it would help. Tbh I don't think he is the classic 'bully' as I so often read about, but there are similarities for sure.
He gets very upset when we have conversations like this, says of course he doesn't want me to feel sad etc. He nearly always says in exasperation that he just 'can't please anyone' - he gives and gives to family, work etc and still no-one is happy.
That's the guilt trip isn't it

I often struggle to stand up to him, he's a much better at arguing IFKWIM (part of his job!).

Getting angry with someone for having hearing problems makes him a bully. Making you feel intimidated makes him a bully. Saying he doesn't want you to feel sad and then waving his arms and shouting at you .... again..... makes him a liar.

The reason bullies want to know exactly what it is about their behaviour you don't like is so that they can pull it apart, item by item, and weaken your argument. Don't indulge him therefore. The conversation I'd have would be roughly this... I deserve to be treated with respect. You are never to shout abuse at me for any reason. If you so much as raise your voice again or exploit my hearing problems again, you can pack your bags.

I agree with pArsely. spent no wasted years thinking that if I could just phrase it the right way, he'd finally GET it. But of course he did not.

the value of your email is not in what you're saying to him, but in what you are reminding yourself.

You say to him "I do not want to be treated like this". Well, he will read that and shrug, (most likely) because from where he's standing, he treats you how he wants to treat you and you're still there, you might cry (boo hoo) "turn on the waterworks" as my x used to say, or you might send him a letter. Oh wow bring in the big guns he might think.

You say he's not the classic bully. maybe not. Maybe he's the classic manipulator??

Well you have told him how you feel. Quite clearly. So, if he carries on, you'll know that he isn't willing to change. So watch out that you don't make excuses for him. "he's not a classic bully like I so often read about". Does he need to be? He has been told that his behaviour is aggressive and threatening and he carries on.

" He nearly always says in exasperation that he just 'can't please anyone' "

That's another classic bully response, I'm afraid. When you're in the wrong it's OK to shout and go on at you making you miserable and frightened, apparently. When he's in the wrong its because everyone's picking on him and he can't please anyone....

This is a nasty man.

twosmall - the fact that you need to send an email speaks volumes to me. I don't see a good relationship if two people who supposedly love each other can't sit and talk about things properly without resorting to explaining things in writing. Clearly indicates either someone can't communicate or won't communicate and chooses not to listen deliberately.

Cogito has expressed it very well.

DH usually wants to know exactly what about his behaviour I'm complaining about

That's so he can pull it apart, as Cogito says. It is also a handy demonstration that he thinks he has done no wrong, and does not feel responsible. He's putting the onus on you to "prove" that you have a right to be upset, rather than simply accepting that you are upset, as a decent person would.

I agree with cogito OP. It's too weak telling him "I want to be treated better". It sounds like "if only I were strong enough to deserve to insist that I be treated better but I'm not strong, I've no power here and I'll weakly ask to be treated better and you'll carry on suiting yourself".

Trust me. that is what he will hear when you say you 'want' to be treated better.

You have to set the bar. You have to know that you will NOT tolerate it any more. Think about what you will do next if he won't change.

I agree with HotDamn again, putting you on trial after he's lost his temper with you! hello, he screams at you, waves his arms around and then he puts you in the witness box, and cross examines you over your absolute right to feel threatened. It's like he is the barrister denying your right to be upset !!!

And you don't think he's a 'bully'. I think he is a manipulative bully.

They used to say, women marry their fathers. If you are starting to recognise traits in your H that your dad had, and want to stop these in their tracks but can't rely on H not to interrupt or go off at a tangent, a letter or email is useful.

It's quite a formal way of discussing something that bothers you about working with him in September. As I see it, the flaw is, that he may take this as a "Watch how you treat me at work" warning, but he may think it's gloves off at home, and carry on as he has done.

Personally, if using this means of communication I'd leave out

I want to tell you how upset and disappointed I feel about what happened this morning.

It leaves me feeling sad and wary of the future of our relationship, that you seem unable to control your temper over such a small matter.

And finish with, "Let's talk about this over lunch".

Oh god I'm shaking. How can this be suddenly almost the end? We have 2 small DC.

I hear you .......... but I think that can be our Achilles heel if we let it be. I put up with so much because I had young children. No matter how badly he treated me, and I wasn't stupid, I wasn't caught up in delusions that it was some sort of love, all the love was dead but no matter how many times the common sense played out in my head, deafening me, the 'but I've got young children' was tagged on to the end. You have to silence the bit that reminds you you have young dc. Because it's not in their interest that you stay with a man who shouts and manipulates you. It will be them next. They'll be on edge around him. Don't use them as an excuse to stay. It does make it more complicated of course but having young dc is not a reason to ignore or tolerate being shouted at on a regular basis by a man who will not acknowledge that he is at fault in any way. It's YOUR fault for getting upset it seems. He is affronted that you're upset? demanding that you justify and explain your upset! To any outsider it is a no-brainer.

"How can this be suddenly almost the end?"

If you demand respect, it's refused and that means the end of the relationship, all you've lost is someone who never respected you in the first place. That's sad in the short-term but, in the long-term, it's no loss.

Looking at it more positively, if you hold a serious consequence over his head to him carrying on behaving the way he is doing i.e. losing his family, you might just scare him into bucking his ideas up. But you have to be prepared to follow through.

Either way this is no time to be sending half-hearted e-mails begging to be treated better.

He has a very short fuse and uses volume and size to intimidate you. Won't accept he is in the wrong, tries to talk his way round you, uses your hearing impairment against you. Gets "upset" when challenged, to distract you.

None of which is acceptable.
Does he drink?
Has this bullying response escalated recently?

Lots of people are facing pressure at work, and with two small children home life is not always a peaceful sanctuary, but they don't all leave their partner feeling upset and powerless any time she stands up for herself. Crushing opposition in business at any level might be a useful quality but it's not how you treat the wife and mother of your children.

"Your wife" that should be.

You're all right of course. I look back at the way my dad treated my mum sometimes with and at her for not standing up to him sooner. And yet the pattern is repeating in me

I feel sick thinking about all this. He will of course try to change his behaviour in the short term but I can pretty much guarantee it will happen again further down the line. He slips back to old habits easily. No he doesn't drink, but he overeats. I had a thread on here recently about his emotional eating.

We all slide into patterns and habits sometimes without realising it. Now you have realised, don't wait for him to take the initiative, you can do something about it. If you believe this is our one life and it's not a rehearsal, act now. It is daunting, but knowledge is power. Very coolly look into how things stand financially, examine what family support you have, what you can provide for your DCs. By the sound of it your mother may be a good ally.

Put yourself first, he will be a candidate for a heart attack anyway if he over-eats and gets so volatile so quickly.