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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Where do i go wrong with men?

71 replies

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 15:54

OK, after another around of lets shit on Louly, im wondering where do i go wrong with men.

I've done OD, and ironically, met what i thought was a nice guy, on mumsnet, after 5 weeks he tells me he feels nothing for me, 2 weeks later, hes got someone else, told me he spent the night with someone else, what did he hope to achieve telling me that.

Gave me the, "Hope you meet a man who can give you, what i cant", purely designed to make himself feel better.

I do OD, and have never got to the meeting stage, so where i am going wrong, surely now i know the reason is me.

I just feel like after 4 years of trying to get back into dating, that im destined to be used for thrills and then ditched when they please.

I feel really hurt this time, and just angry, i brought into the lies again.

OP posts:

Val007 · 08/07/2013 15:59

Not gone to the meeting stage? Ever? In 4 years?....

Please, do not rely just on online dating. Go out there!

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 16:00

Val, unfortunately, with me being a single mother, with very limited income, theres not alot places i can go.

OP posts:

Val007 · 08/07/2013 16:06

I feel for you - I was in your position!...

Maybe try different websites... Try to get more mum friends in the park. Then they will invite you to parties and maybe you will meet someone there... Are you too strict in your criteria for a man? Maybe loosen this up a bit (not a lot!). Please, give us more details. What is your job, do you have anyone to help you with your child? Any friends in real life?...

Val007 · 08/07/2013 16:08

By the way, even though I online-dated a lot, because of lack of time to go out... I met my current husband in real life via some friends who I had gone to visit for an evening of playing cards and the rest is history... You never know...

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 16:11

Not working, on JSA, going bad, i have 2 close friends, but they both work and ones moving away, everyone i know works, so not anyone who can help with DD.

I just want a nice man who dont play games, but thats all i find.

OP posts:

Ghirly · 08/07/2013 16:20

I could have written your post. I tried OD for a little while. Met 3 guys, one was lovely, very interested but I didn't feel a connection unfortunately then the other two basically used me for good times but didn't want anything serious with me.

(I now have a 2yr 7mth child to one of them - I was on the pill, took it religiously, no idea what happened)

Anyway I'm in the process of getting away from my latest man. Family friend, known him for years. He starts off very loving and keen then it slowly but surely turned into a FWB situation. That's not what I want hence why I want out.

I don't know what I do wrong either. Do I just attract and pick the wrong type of man??
I'm thinking of giving OD a shot again but I'm pretty demotivated after this last man whom I thought I could have a future with.

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 16:22

I normally try once a year with it, had 3 this year, should have known to stop after the first.

OP posts:

VelvetSpoon · 08/07/2013 16:36

OD is mostly bullshit - filled with liars, fantasists, players, misogynists, married men etc. The majority of men online aren't looking for (or indeed capable of) a relationship.

I would say it is 99.9% certain not to be you. I have been single for 4 years, during which I have dabbled with OD with almost no success. To meet a man online you need to be incredibly lucky or have extremely low standards.

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 16:47

Might aswell just accept and embrace my habitual singleness.

He said we can still be friends, yeah ok then.

OP posts:

Val007 · 08/07/2013 17:03

I did a lot of soul searching before I found my current husband. Read loads of books: the Mars Venus series and a book called Act like a lady, think like a man, plus many others. I must admit these helped me a great deal. In a nutshell, I put a price on myself and disregarded any man who was not ready to pay this price. For example - no sex before I am convinced about his serious intentions, letting him pay for everything the first few weeks, letting him take the first step about asking me out, asking to move in and making it perfectly clear from date one that I am looking for a relationship that will quickly turn into marriage with two kids to follow. I did not mess about and this was not for the faint hearted. I guess I attracted what I was looking for. Also, I had decided what to compromise on in a man, and decided not to make further compromises if a relationship started to progress (for example drinking, money issues etc). I had a clear idea what to look out for in a man and how to recognise the one night stands from a mile off. Plus the price I put on myself definitely was sure to put the one night stands off, as it was quite dear and only a man with serious intentions would be prepared to pay it - exactly what I needed .

badtime · 08/07/2013 17:24

After being single for almost 5 yearsI tried online dating and found it terrifying. I took six months off, regrouped, thought about what I actually wanted and tried again. I met several nice people and have lived with one of them for the last 2.5 years.

I found the advice from this blog post (written by a successful academic psychologist) useful:

www.drpetra.co.uk/blog/ten-steps-for-successful-dating/

And I know know a lot of people who have met their partners online, none of whom have low standards.

(In my personal experience, I have always done much better in relationships when my standards have been high and my boundaries firm)

Whocansay · 08/07/2013 17:58

Disclaimer - no direct experience!

Several of my friends have tried online dating, with various degrees of success. There's nothing wrong with the friends that are still single, at all. I think a lot depends on luck. Don't take it as a reflection on you.

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/07/2013 18:21

It's not a reflection of you personally, but it could be your situation. You have no job or money and you say you can't go out. With the best will in the world, surely most people online dating will be looking to meet people to have a 'normal' relationship. That isn't shallow. If you're unable to actually go out on dates then it isn't going anywhere. When your child is a bit older, and you can work and afford to get babysitters and go out occasionally I promise you it will gwt better. Please, though, ignore the advice upthread re; letting him pay for the first few weeks, that's not on.

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 18:41

Well i dont feel as stabby now, just annoyed i wasted 7 weeks for nothing.

OP posts:

Val007 · 08/07/2013 22:03

Yeah, Onesleeptillwembley, ignore the advice to let a man be a man and then come back 2-6 months later to complain about the next wanker/pussy/leech who wasted another half year of your life. Right!

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/07/2013 22:19

let a man be a man How does that equate to being a scrounger? Keeping your self respect is far more important to decent people than being bought. I'd also prefer to have a man that isn't an easy touch for a scrounger and has more respect for me. You'd better answer your phone - 1950 is calling.

Onesleeptillwembley · 08/07/2013 22:21

And I find your use of the word leech pretty ironic.

megabored1980 · 08/07/2013 22:39

OP, what do you mean by lies? Was this guy honest with you? Sounds like he did by admitting that he'd met someone in rl when it happened.

How could he actually have any feelings for you if you never even met? To me that seems perfectly reasonable. How far away did you live from each other?

And if he is saying he hopes things work out for you and offers friendship then surely he is thinking of you rather than himself.

To me it seems like you should change your approach to this kind of thing. As others have said, you need to actually meet people in person to see if there is a connection and 7 weeks seems far too long.

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 22:48

Mega, i woulda met sooner, he dragged his feet,

Just telling you what he said, problem is i think he might have too honest.

And if he is saying he hopes things work out for you and offers friendship then surely he is thinking of you rather than himself.

Problem is, i got fed that line alot, it dont have much meaning to me.

OP posts:

skaboy · 08/07/2013 22:58

Just playing devil's advocate as there can always be another side.

But there a load of things which make online dating more tricky than rl relationships: distance, available time, other circumstances in life. If you haven't met any of these men then you need to start a different approach. Make the first move. Arrange a time and a place to meet. It doesn't always have to be down to the man!

Original poster

Loulybelle · 08/07/2013 23:09

Well, Skaboy, after this latest incident, im gonna give it a miss for a while, not in the mood to deal with anymore emotionally unavailable men.

OP posts:

Doha · 08/07/2013 23:19

Really don't think you are in any position to comment on this thread Skaboy !!!!
When play devil's advocate when you are actually the devil in question !!!!!!!!

Val007 · 08/07/2013 23:32

Onesleeptillwembley, I have plenty of self respect and I would rather be 'bought' by a man who has serious intentions than taken for a spin by someone who is looking for a quick fuck, no strings attached, friends with benefits or such. Sorry, but how does offering free sex to a wanker who forgets your phone number the next day tie up with self respect? I now believe it is the ultimate example of self disrespect. (in the case of a woman looking for a serious relationship, not one looking for the same as the wanker).

And it has nothing to do with me not being able to afford paying or being a scrounger. In fact, I have paid my fair share of dates, supported my fair share of losers. Ha-ha-ha. Being a single parent has equipped me so well for taking care of my dependant, that I had many times extended this to the leeches who were sucking on me. Purely because I was thinking like you, before I read the Mars Venus books.

Letting a man pay for the first few weeks is done JUST for the purpose of discovering just how much he is invested in you, if he is in for the long run etc.

As they say, PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.

Oh, I just love proverbs!!!

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 09/07/2013 00:09

Val while I am all for making a guy wait to get to the bedroom to make sure he is interested in me and not just a one night stand, expecting him to pay for everything the first few weeks would put off a lot of good guys who would just feel you are taking them for a ride, using them for free meals etc. There should be balance.

Val007 · 09/07/2013 00:33

JessicaBeatriceFletcher, I was considerate about the man's financial situation. I did not expect dates in expensive restaurants. It was very much a 'gesture' game and I know plenty of men who will gladly pay for a woman if they are crazy about her. They will not bat an eyelid and they will not think for a second she is using them. Bar expensive restaurants, holidays and diamonds, I don't see which guy will not be happy to buy a couple of drinks here and there plus the occasional pizza (for example). Dating doesn't have to be expensive. It could be a walk in the park, along the river, coffee and a nice chat. I am very modest in my expectations. I trust men can spot the gold diggers. And the bottom line - whoever survives the first few weeks definitely likes you. What a better indicator? He likes you, he is serious about you, he indicates he is capable and willing of supporting a family. Isn't this what most of us women ultimately want?

I have subsequently asked my husband how he felt at the time, when I was letting him pay for everything. He said he found it a bit odd, but didn't really think twice about it...

I forgot to mention - I did reciprocate by cooking a few dinners for him ;)

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