Where do i go wrong with men?

[Loulybelle]

OK, after another around of lets shit on Louly, im wondering where do i go wrong with men.

I've done OD, and ironically, met what i thought was a nice guy, on mumsnet, after 5 weeks he tells me he feels nothing for me, 2 weeks later, hes got someone else, told me he spent the night with someone else, what did he hope to achieve telling me that.

Gave me the, "Hope you meet a man who can give you, what i cant", purely designed to make himself feel better.

I do OD, and have never got to the meeting stage, so where i am going wrong, surely now i know the reason is me.

I just feel like after 4 years of trying to get back into dating, that im destined to be used for thrills and then ditched when they please.

I feel really hurt this time, and just angry, i brought into the lies again.

Cu, most people who have OD'ed over time have done all that. And more. And have had little, or no success. There is no magic formula. You can make all the effort in the world, have everything going for you, follow all the advice and still not meet the right person - it's luck and chance.

Hi Bant

To me it was generally quite straight forward, if I met a women I knew to be on a good wage who singularly refused to open her purse through the course of a couple of dates I would think that displays a fairly antiquated entitlement attitude that has little place in todays society, and no I don't mean expecting her to pick up the tab on £200 meal, but I mean small stuff, offering to buy a round of drinks, a coffee or desert. I am not worried about being out of pocket, but more concerned that someone who can easily afford to make a contribution thinking its morally ok for the bloke to pick up the tab, thought that kind of thinking was left behind in the 70s.

Of course I would - but that's not the same as 'spotting the gold diggers' - that's being caught out by them.

I think people make their own luck with OD, to a great extent. Just writing a boring profile with bad pictures and sitting back and waiting for the requests from charming attractive people to come rolling in is not a good approach.

I read somewhere that an online dating profile is 'the most important CV you'll ever write' which kind of makes sense.

Exchanging emails for weeks before meeting someone is not a good idea, nor is assuming everyone will be a good person, or a bad person. Setting your sights too high or too low or too narrow are also going to make things difficult for yourself.

Learning from your own mistakes if you're not having much luck is a huge part of it too.

VelvetSpoon

Of course, the other elephant in the room that has not been discussed here (and deliberately so by me out of fear of a kicking) and that is looks. You can have the most witty, erudite, thoughtful and inviting profile in the world but if you look like a slightly melted lego brick people more often then not will pass you by. Its harsh reality but true.

Of course that's true, Cu. Attraction is very important, that's something that is wired into us. It's different if its someone you get to know 'naturally' (for want if a better word), attraction can grow as you get to know someone. If it's just a pic on a computer that you don't even slightly fancy then it won't go any further, so a possibility is discounted.

Cu - again, I know many plain single mums who do well getting dates. Two of the 30something professionals I mentioned earlier are very attractive and turn heads. And are beautiful inside, too, not at all up themselves. Intelligent, witty. Get attention wherever they go. But as they meet no single men in real life, turned to OD. One has been single 6 years. 12 dates in all that time. I thought she was being overly picky, so she showed me the men online within a 50-mile radius. Shockingly slim pickings. Answer does seem to be location, location, location.

Cu, so if a woman can't meet someone via OD, its either her fault because she's not made enough effort or because she's ugly?!

Have you seen the state of most men on OD sites?

Also, it could work the opposite way - people could be unwilling to be possibly rebuffed by someone they see as out of their league.

OP, you met a man on mumsnet, really? Did you actually meet up or was it just messaging?

VelvetSpoon

Erm,where have I singled out women in that post, it was entirely gender neutral. In your rush to disagree with me you have completely drawn your own conclusion that my post does not support.

And yes, I have seen what the bloke profiles look like to see what the competition is like, they ranged from pig ugly to unnervingly handsome.

Jessica

I will concede that 'location, location, location' plays a big role!

Cu

Leaving aside the gender part (and its quite clear the thread was talking about women not meeting anyone via OD, not just 'people' generally) if someone makes plenty of effort, is very attractive, lives in a relatively populous area and STILL doesn't meet anyone via OD, are you adamant that is that 100% their fault, that there has to be some infinitessimally small thing somewhere they must be doing wrong?

Or can you not simply accept that the combination of luck and chance simply hasn't fallen in their favour yet?

VelvetSpoon - ''the real problem lies with the inadequacy of most single men in their 30s and 40s, especially those on dating sites?!''

I know a couple of men who are using OD and they both tell me the same thing about quite a few of the women that they meet. It's really funny/sad some of the stories they tell me about these women.

''I can think of many fabulous single women, but not one similarly great, or even just ok, single man.''

As well as many fabulous single women, I also know quite a few that are far from that description. I also actually know several great single men as well as some that are real a**holes. Your sweeping generalisations don't really help much, I would suggest.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher - ''I've known women who have ... and still get a very poor quality of response. Seriously.''

Here's a novel thought, why not do as Cu suggests above and actually go out and contact the men you want to contact rather than sitting back and waiting to be contacted?

When I first saw the man that is now my DH at a party I thought ''wow, he looks nice, I think I'll go up and talk to him'' - which I did.

Getting in contact with men through OD is SO much easier than doing it in real life. I can understand that not everybody has the confidence to do it in real life but, seriously, can women not make the first move online?

For those that don't and just sit back and hope for responses, what are you worried about? And yes that is a serious question, not a rhetorical one.

nicky - I've been doing OD for about 8 months now, I averaged about one first date every week and a half or so, some of those went to second, or third, or more. The majority of them I contacted first.

This is obviously a small sample, but I've found the women who contacted me first (apart from one), I never went for a second date with. There just wasn't the attraction to ask them out again. Either they were rude on the date, to me or other people, and blithely unaware how offputting that is, or they seemed to think if they indicated to me that they'd put out I'd be hooked, for some reason. Which is somewhat patronising.

Generally the ones I asked for a second date with, I approached first.

I'm not saying that I don't like to be contacted first at all - it's very refreshing - I've just found that it doesn't seem to work out in my experience.

Velvet Spoon

Christ on a bike, yet again you come to conclusions that my post does not support in the slightest.

I deliberately used the term 'people' as it would be clearly preposterous, misogynist crap to suggest that only women's profiles could contain 'ugly' people. Please stop deliberately misinterpreting posts, you are doing yourself no favours at all.

With regards to the following:

^if someone makes plenty of effort, is very attractive, lives in a relatively populous area and STILL doesn't meet anyone via OD, are you adamant that is that 100% their fault, that there has to be some infinitessimally small thing somewhere they must be doing wrong?

Or can you not simply accept that the combination of luck and chance simply hasn't fallen in their favour yet?^

Again, you are constructing arguments that I have not made, where have I suggested that a failure to meet someone online is 100% the fault of the dater? If you had bothered to read my earlier posts I put forward the school of thought that there were a number of factors that were not in the control of the person putting up a profile and a number of factors that a poster can have direct influence over. There is not much you can do about the former, there is quite a bit you can do about the latter (and I suggested a number of things someone can do), if you can be bothered.

I have an acquaintance, however, who's been doing internet dating for several years. He really never has any luck. He's better than average looking (although I find it difficult to judge), mid 30s, earns okay money, plays guitar, is well educated and is a nice enough guy, funny, chatty, always willing to help out. He can get first dates but not second dates - none of them are interested.

He used to moan about it down the pub, occasionally, complain about the lack of decent women who would be interested in him - it was really getting him down. And of course we were all saying 'don't worry mate, you'll find someone decent eventually, give it time'

But then he went on a date with the sister of a friend of mine - coincidentally - and we found out what was happening. It turns out he was an arse. He thought it was funny to say 'f*ck you' to the waiter instead of 'thank you' and then giggle at his date, order food for her and get drunk and complain about the quality of women in the area.

So, it turns out it was him after all. Sometimes when you hear about someone having bad luck and bemoaning the quality of women, it's because they only meet people who don't like them. And they have no idea why.

surely the point here is louly asked specifically for advice on where she is going wrong. dome players including cu and bant tried to offer dome advice that might help increase her chances of success. particularly helpful if it is from men ad it is presumably men that op is trying to attract.

and what do they get? flamed,.accused of misogyny and told that they cannot comment because of their gender.

i think the advice with here and on the link.upthread is sound. be realistic about what you want. actually meet people if you can and just see how it goes. treat it as a rather bizarre hobby. view a date s bit like a very strange job interview. put in an effort but accept that either one of you may not be what the other is looking for.

some people are just lucky / unlucky in love.
but that doesn't mean there is any need to attack other posters for offering advice.

sorry that should say some posters not players!!! stoopid phone

Have to say, as a seasoned online dater, it really is down to luck.

You can make all the profile adjustments in the world, work on yourself, get out there, but unless you are fishing from a pool of decent fish who also want the same thing you are, you arent going to be sucessful.

Its like just catching the tiddlers, over and over again, when really you are waiting for a big fat sea bass.

Single parent with no money or not, its about the person and the connection and its obsence to suggest its the op's situation which is causing the problem.

Ive finally met someone ( i say, tentivley) with whom im hopeful of something serious. The person i met before him was a stalker with mental health issues ( unbeknown to me) and a man who admitted he liked to shag grannies... Ive not changed during these dates, my profile hadnt.. it was just luck ,or lack thereof.

nickymanchester - oddly enough, plenty of women, including myself, are happy to send messages, we don't just wait for them to come to us. But you have to find people you actually WANT to message in the first place or who don't disappear off after three messages or whose idea of a third message is: "so, what do you like, sexually?"

snail is right.

Jessica - Thanks for explaining that. I just got the impression from what you said before that you were being quite passive about it.