Where do i go wrong with men?

[Loulybelle]

OK, after another around of lets shit on Louly, im wondering where do i go wrong with men.

I've done OD, and ironically, met what i thought was a nice guy, on mumsnet, after 5 weeks he tells me he feels nothing for me, 2 weeks later, hes got someone else, told me he spent the night with someone else, what did he hope to achieve telling me that.

Gave me the, "Hope you meet a man who can give you, what i cant", purely designed to make himself feel better.

I do OD, and have never got to the meeting stage, so where i am going wrong, surely now i know the reason is me.

I just feel like after 4 years of trying to get back into dating, that im destined to be used for thrills and then ditched when they please.

I feel really hurt this time, and just angry, i brought into the lies again.

OP, I think the key to OD is to meet quickly. Please re-examine your definition of a relationship. 7weeks messaging an anonymous stranger online is not a relationship.

I'd try to come up with a list of things you can afford to do with someone so you can meet sooner.
Parks, museums, art galleries, coffee shops, farms and cheap movie days/DVDs and make your own pizzas and popcorn when you're ready etc.

Well, Val, you should have mentioned that then .

Sorry, but I don't get from your post what this man has done wrong. He met up with you, he tried out a relationship so to speak, it didn't work out for him, he told you so.

How can he possibly know if you are right for him until he has got to know you? Or do you seriously intend to say that anyone who answers a dating ad has made a commitment to enter a longterm relationship with the first person they meet?

What if you hadn't felt strongly enough for him? Would that have meant that you were playing games.

I think it is pretty off to call him emotionally unavailable just because he didn't feel that connection with you. Going on a online dating site is not like ordering a DVD from Amazon.

OP, as you 'met' this man on mumsnet, there is every chance he could be reading this thread, or was that your intent?

I think this thread is one of the examples I see on here of where the OP is actually doing something wrong, and hopefully she can get some constructive advice. I think bemoaning the state of OD has become a kind of single woman's LTB on here. It's very tempting to slag off the whole process, but it works for some people and some people's consistently negative experiences do look like outliers.

ALittle - perhaps. But OD is absolute shite for the vast majority of people, statistically. I know SO many people who have used it and had awful experiences, only know three people who have had a relationship of longer than three months from it.

OD is crap. Honestly I stand by my comment above - people who do well at it are incredibly lucky, or have low standards.

I have no luck, and very high standards. Hence why I am, and am likely to remain single.

I don't agree with this idea that it's a womans' fault she's single. I can think of many fabulous single women, but not one similarly great, or even just ok, single man.

Surely the real problem lies with the inadequacy of most single men in their 30s and 40s, especially those on dating sites?!

Think it's a bit off Velvet to state that women who have done well out of OD have low standards. I know some very happy couples who met through OD and their standards certainly aren't low.

OThen they're simply very lucky. I did say it was one or the other :)

I know one couple who were each others first internet date - luck.

I also know someone who has had several long term relationships from OD but by her own admission, her standards for a potential partner are low.

True, I do think luck plays a large part in it. There are an awful lot of dodgy twats on OD - some have to sift through large quantities before they get 'lucky', others manage to bypass them and get 'lucky' very soon - others seem to have no luck at all .

Am single and have yet to do OD yet - it's the depressing stories of chancers, cock shots and all-round arseholes that tends to put me off. I don't know til I try I guess but I have a feeling I wouldn't be one of the lucky ones!

My sister met her DH on Match.com, they've been together for 6 years and have one DC. I don't think either of them have particularly low standards, and both had spent a year or so meeting people they rejected, so it wasn't first-time luck for either of them. They just kept plugging away, eventually got in contact even though they were 150 miles apart, hit it off and the rest is history..

Ah yes, the old ?Myself and a few people I know met a few twats and have had no joy with online dating therefore the whole thing is a complete waste of time and populated with losers and desperate people? whinge.

Pretty much all my single mates are using online dating services, I met my fiancée through match.com, and plenty of my friends have met their respective long term partners through various sites. Yes, there are players and timewasters (men and women) on these sites, but after a bit of practice it is pretty easy to weed these people out. At the end of the day you get out what you put in with internet dating. You still have to do the chasing, write an interesting profile, follow up emails and generally don?t come across as a stalker or all bitter if someone does not take a shine to you. Apart from a few fruitcakes I can say that the vast majority of the women I met through internet dating were enormous fun, thoughtful and interesting people. Even when the romantic chemistry was not present we still had enough in common to have a fun night out, I am still friends with many of them to this day. One thing I have noticed is that quite a few women seem to have this daft Victorian notion that it should be the men that do all the chasing, that all they have to do is post a profile and sit back wait for the emails to start rolling in. It does not work like that, ever! The same goes for people whose profile says something like ?if you want to know more email me?. Erm, no, if you can?t be bothered to rattle out a few paragraphs describing yourself and what your interests are don?t be surprised if I pass you by and contact the person who comes across as fun, articulate and attractive. Also, don?t get stuck emailing/texting the same person for weeks on end before meeting, you save yourself an awful lot of disappointment by chatting on the phone or Skype during the early days, you can find out so much more about someone this way rather than bouncing endless emails to each other which runs the risk of creating unrealistic expectations about someone. If someone after a few dates decides that they do not want to pursue things further then respect that decision, yes it can dent the confidence a bit, especially if you really liked them but in the long run it was probably for the best. If you are finding it hard to get dates have another look at your profile, is sending the right message, get a trusted friend to review it and invite constructive criticism, take nice photos, don?t just scan in some pic of you pissed up on holiday somewhere. Don?t be too negative in terms of listing all things you don?t like in a man, instead concentrate on your positives.

Right time for lunch! Dr Love will be back later.

Cu - It is also luck and postcode lottery. I know some very attractive, intelligent, funny women who find the pickings very slim. I do think that if you live in or very near a major city you are bound to do better simply because of numbers.

I've known women who have had their pics and profiles reviewed ad infinitum, both by friends and random strangers, make all their changes, everyone says it's perfect and still get a very poor quality of response. Seriously.

But then of course people who HAVE met someone online are BOUND to pick out the positives and tell everyone who isn't having luck that it must be their own fault. Just as those who only have negative experiences will have their opinion coloured.

At the end of the day, however, we can only go on our own and friends' experiences and statistics. And, generally, the latter aren't great.

Cu, what a load of smug nonsense your post is. Purely because you got lucky doesn't mean OD is anything other than luck! You can do EVERYTHING 'right', have everything going for you, and still not meet anyone suitable with whom there is a mutual attraction.

To suggest otherwise is to patronise and insult the many single women who have tried (and in the main abandoned) OD. But it seems to be acceptable to tell women the reason they can't meet a man is their fault - funny, I never hear single men being told that.

Jessica, agree entirely.

Velvet - oddly enough, I have heard that said to single men I know. And yes, I do know some decent, non-playing guys who are single, shouldn't be, and have found OD to be useless.

Hi Jessica

Cu - It is also luck and postcode lottery. I know some very attractive, intelligent, funny women who find the pickings very slim. I do think that if you live in or very near a major city you are bound to do better simply because of numbers.

I actually agree with you here, I dated in London and there were thousands of profiles for me to wade through, having two or three dates during a single week was not uncommon.

I've known women who have had their pics and profiles reviewed ad infinitum, both by friends and random strangers, make all their changes, everyone says it's perfect and still get a very poor quality of response. Seriously.

At the risk of getting flamed, it is not a level playing field and your personal circumstances/status will have an affect on your 'desirability'. The single 30something professional financially independent women with her own home will probably get more 'hits' then the single mum with a couple of under 5 kids in tow living on benefits in a shite part of town. (extreme example I know but it illustrates the point)

But then of course people who HAVE met someone online are BOUND to pick out the positives and tell everyone who isn't having luck that it must be their own fault. Just as those who only have negative experiences will have their opinion coloured.

I dont think it is that black and white, I have rarely heard people who have had success with OD only extol the positives, everyone has had some bumps along the way and are just as likely to point those negatives aspects out as well. The way I see it, some people live in the arse end of nowhere, some people put together truly crap profiles that ultimately is their fault, some people are too fussy and dismiss out of hand potential dates for the most trivial of reasons (I'm 5'11" and was once rejected on the basis of not being 6ft) and as mentioned above some people find themselves in circumstances that potential dates just see too much baggage with. Online dating is not the be all and end all. To me it was just another avenue in which to meet people, I was still proactive offline and got dates down the pub/friends BBQ/on the train etc.

At the end of the day, however, we can only go on our own and friends' experiences and statistics. And, generally, the latter aren't great.

Well I guess as far as this discussion goes we can only compare anecdotal notes!

Cu - this is the interesting thing. I know single mums who have done well at OD. The ones I know who haven't done well are precisely the single 30something professional financially independent women with their own home (or at least rent and live alone) who assume would get more hits and ought to find someone or at least have a few more dates than they have.

Val - you seem to be very obsessed with people sleeping with other people freely. It's possible to date without sleeping with people, or hooking up with wankers. By selling yourself to someone who is willing to pay, you run a high risk of ending up with a contol freak or a despaerate wimpy washout. I have far more respect for someone who gives her body freely and willingly, to whoever she wishes that someone who sells herself without sex. It's not for me, but that's my choice. Maybe the reason you seem to almost screech about people having sex is because you feel the nned to try to distinguish yourself from a sexual prostitute.

As a financially independent professional woman, owning my own home in the London suburbs, my experience has been that all the things which one might expect to make me desirable on paper, do the opposite in rl.

I know lots of women who either don't work or are in minimum wage jobs (whether they have children or not) who have had far more 'success' online.

Which again suggests its a lot more about luck than your financial position, career, etc!

Velvetspoon

I did not get 'lucky', I worked bloody hard to find the miss right for me. I did not just post a profile on some random site and get 'lucky' a week later. I must have been on the best part of 80+ internet dates over about a four and a half year period. Like others I had my fair share of rejections, mini flings and disappointments, I constantly tweaked my profile, was online most days (the more often you are online the closer to the top your profile appears in searches), I changed my photos, I hit the gym to get in shape, I tried to write thoughtful introductory emails rather then just do some lazy 'cut and paste' spam, I followed responses up enthusiastically and generally tried not to be an arse. I drove an hour down the road to meet some people, I made an effort on dates from what I was wearing to the venues we met at (be it a picnic down the park or lunch in some swanky restaurant). Yes, there are some things that are very much beyond your control, but there are plenty of aspects of online dating that you have a direct influence with, through trial and error I worked out what worked and what didn't, learned from the former and dismissed the latter. My initial post highlighted some of those things you can control as I thought it was a bit shortsighted to write off the whole enterprise.

Val - 'I trust men can spot the gold diggers'

Why? If a man earns good money and gets chatting to, or meets someone online, who is attractive and interesting and funny and charming, then they may take them out for dinner. The usual thing is to impress them a bit with a nice restaurant or something - or at least something other than a Big Mac and fries.

So, nice restaurant first date. Maybe nice place second date, third date.. etc etc.

At what point is a man meant to decide the woman is a gold digger?

This is like saying 'All women should be able to spot men who are only after sex' when that's just ridiculous.

Cu - so that's an average of around a date once every three weeks? I know people who haven't been able to find a date once every three months. Or even six months. Even with doing all the stuff you were doing to your profile etc. Yes, you may have worked hard, but luck plays a part in ALL dating, online or otherwise, and being in London, you are likely to have better luck simply because there are SO many people to choose from in the first place. Statistically, you SHOULD stand a better chance than people in ANY other part of the country, let alone another city.

Bant - would you, as a man, after several weeks of paying for everything and getting nowhere physically, not begin to wonder if you weren't being taken for a ride?