I am a regular - lurker more than poster - but the time has come for some MN wisdom of my own. In a nutshell, my H disclosed his affair with a work colleague to me nearly 10 weeks ago. His confession was due to having been discovered at work and both of them losing their jobs. He had to tell me to explain why he had lost his job. He knew this was coming for 3 days before telling me so had deleted all evidence (much of the affair had been conducted via work emails rather than text anyway. And he was careful through out). He also told me that he met with her after discovery at work to get their stories straight for the possible investigation. But that they didn't discuss their stories to other halves.
Since D-day he has tried to give me 'full disclosure', gone complete no contact with OW, respected my need for space and then been around when I needed to shout at him, been very hands on with the DC, is apologetic and remorseful etc etc.
However I am struggling with the lack of evidence to back-up his story. I can't access his old work emails, the texts have gone (mostly immediately upon receiving/sending them as he's never hidden his phone) and most of their lunches/drinks were paid in cash so no card or bank records. Obviously he is a very proficient liar as I had no real suspicions of the affair - I had other concerns but did not believe he was cheating.
Basically the only source of info/evidence I have is her. And thats not likely to be 'accurate'. Do I call or text??? She is also married but no DC. Her DH doesn't know. Given that there has been no contact (well that I know about!) is it better to let sleeping dogs lie?? I'm tying myself in knots - have called her number several times but either she hasn't answered or I've hung up.
Any views on what to do for the best? I know I need to get 'closure' on the details of the affair before I can move on. 
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Relationships
Contacting the OW? Do I?
3HotCrossBuns · 07/07/2013 21:39
Thank you for all your posts - very very hard reading. Contacting the OW to get some verification is probably not going to help is it. Everything is a huge great mess . I have hesitated over posting on here as I wasn't sure I was strong enough to read the replies.
He is (other than his infidelity!) a good man - always there for me and the DC, very hands on dad and helpful husband around the home. I find it hard to believe he's actually a total bastard. Acting skills worthy of an actor
I don't know what to think or what to do. I desperately want to believe his 'affair story'.
Looking is right.
STBX was and is a far better father than my exH who was utterly faithful (probably because cheating took a bit of effort.....). He was also caring and loving towards me in a way my ex never was. Didnt stop him shagging several exes during our marriage.
I really appreciate you all taking the time to respond to this thread - after all I'm an Internet stranger and there's no need to be a 'friend' as it were.
Onefewernow - wow, 20 months on! You must be very strong to have stuck through this shitty shitty process. I'm just over 2 months in and feel overwhelmed by it all.
Hotchoc - no paperwork other than the compromise agreement. A good friend of mine who's an employment lawyer did it for H so I trusted his advisor.
Bogeyface - yes his ego does seem rather important to him!! He's clearly got a lot of issues going back a long time. I've had 1 session with an IC who said I've been the solid wife in the between of all his fucked-upness. I clearly can't carry on like that though - H says that this affair was the ' worst' of his behaviour (ie it's the only proper affair) and that he has shocked himself. He never wants to be like that again.
AirofHope - I'm terrified of him getting a new job! He won't work with the OW again (she was 'just' a secretary so no need for their paths to cross again) but he had a secret world that I wasn't privy to at work and I will not be able to 'police' him there in the future. Without giving too much away he won't have been too worried about financial stability as my family are well off and I have an independent source of income. This is part of his issues as he's never felt 'good enough' for me or a 'real' father who provides for his kids. All nonsense in his head, not our reality. Not helped by his father calling him a gold digger shortly before our wedding 
Lemon - it's been a horrific rollercoaster here and I've been vile so I'm not sure I've made it that easy for him. He could have walked so far but he's stuck with it.
I too am doubting the foundations of our relationship and querying why he married me in the first place. Horrible feeling. Our marriage wasn't perfect before this (which marriage is??!) and I do feel that I've enabled him to behave badly and not given him enough support or attention over the stressful times in our marriage.
Anyway I'm realising that I'm not going to get the answers I want from the OW and that that's not the way to make the distrust go away. Feeling stuck really. Thank you all again for taking the time to post.
You are still in a state of shock, way too early to be getting over it. Two years is the bench mark that most people give and I am over 4 years down the line and small things can take me right back to that time unfortunately (my DCs did a show at the weekend and sang a song that was on the radio all the time when I made the discovery - my DH was very concerned about me but it was just a slight wince).
Affairs don't happen in a vacuum, I am sure your H displayed many dubious behaviours that you have excused for a quiet life. One of the hardest things for my DH to acknowledge was that he wasn't merely a liar to me, he was also deceiving and manipulating others too. If you don't acknowledge it, you cannot change it.
One of the things that therapy did for me was to make me understand where my boundaries were lacking and just how bad behaviour I was prepared to put up with (due to my childhood and the example set to me by my mother ). DH also had a very dysfunctional childhood with a very domineering grandmother and taught himself to lie at a very young age so as not to upset said grandmother (who lived with them). His default position was to lie and manipulate (grandmother was a master of manipulation). These are reasons, not excuses - we were both co-dependent.
My DH stayed with his parents for about 4 months after discovery and in this time, we "dated", we did therapy etc.
You really do need to focus on you, you have to change the way you react to him, put yourself first, take up a long forgotten hobby (I took up horse riding again, to get me away from the house, DCs and DH, now the proud owner of a grey mare who costs DH a fortune but he understands how important it is to me).
Our therapist really worked on me to change me and my boundaries, for me to understand myself and why I allowed him to treat me as I did. I think change does start with you, whether he will change with you remains to be seen but if not, you will have changed enough not to want to put up with him and his behaviours and do what is necessary for you and your DCs.
Good luck.
CountingTo10 - your post is very thought provoking. So far it's all been about him and whether he can change, take responsibility, behave better. I've not considered whether I need to change what behaviour I will accept. I have recently taken up a new hobby (about a month or so before discovery) which is giving me much needed space away from the family home and the DCs. I'm almost fully recovered now and desperate to get back to it!
Lemon - I haven't been in the 'blaming myself' stage the whole time, just more recently and is the feeling that prompted me to start my own IC. I have felt like a stupid, blind fool though ever since D-day for not guessing about the affair. My concerns were related to his heavy drinking (I was trying to think of ways to get him to AA!) and his stress at work (he has a history in this area). Hindsight is a precious gift and I wish so much I had recognised some of his red flags over the last 5 years.
Look up co-dependency. Reading that your H is a heavy drinker (heavy enough that you want him to go to AA ) co-dependency and enabling springs to mind and you trying to fix and control everything.
This book is brilliant and was recommended by my therapist. My first H was an alcoholic and my DH had a gambling problem (more bad behaviour to be acknowledged), can't think why our therapist concentrated on fixing me .
Counting - I wanted him to go to AA as drinking makes him unpleasant (understatement) and I've been on the receiving end of some nasty behaviour - only verbal, he's never been physically abusive. As his stress was increasing (he was truthfully having difficulties at work in January) so was the frequency and amount of his drinking. I wanted him to stop although I'm not sure whether he's an alcoholic.
H says (and has said historically) that I have 'control' issues - i.e. I'm always trying to control what he's doing - which is true, I do like him to be nearby etc and never been great about him disappearing for the day to do his hobbies or spend time with his friends.
I've never thought about codependency etc with regards to me. I only ever thought I was trying to support him through some difficult times in the past.
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