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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh crap, do I tell him? WWYD?

52 replies

Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:12

DP was late over last night...forgot to tell me he had football. No big issue. We sorted it.

But as I was worried about him (recent bereavement) I made the faux pas of checking his FB. I never have before, though I've known his password for ages.

Long story short, we're very happy generally. He talks of marriage (been together a year-ish) and he treats me well etc.

Anyway, I checked his activity log as I got curious whilst I was on there and turns out he's been checking 2 of his exes' FB pages sporadically since we got together.

What would you make of this? Would you tell him you knew? I feel quite hurt tbh. I don't seek out my exes...

When we first got together he'd just had a bad break up with the first and looked her up a lot according to FB but not as much recently...just once or twice a month.

He seemed over it months back so I don't really know what to make of it?

Sad
OP posts:
CajaDeLaMemoria · 04/07/2013 16:14

How do you know he's been looking at them?

I don't know what I'd say, to be honest, but I think a lot depends on how you know, and whether it's possible that it looks worse than it is, IYSWIM.

ShatnersBassoon · 04/07/2013 16:14

I think it sounds like normal curiosity.

DeniseFelch · 04/07/2013 16:16

It doens't show whose page you've visited on your activity log, I've just checked Confused

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:16

If you go on your profile page there's an 'activity log' section. Clicking on the 'only me' setting shows what they've searched.

I had no reason to doubt him and was being a snooper as I was already on there iykwim and wish I hadn't as it's probably nothing.

Just made my stomach feel like it had fallen 20ft, you know? Sad

OP posts:
neontetra · 04/07/2013 16:17

Yeah, probably just curious. Certainly not evidence that he still wants to be with them. I do same kind of thing - am just nosy!

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:17

If you tick the 'include only me' bit you can see it. Or I could on his

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 04/07/2013 16:18

You can't see from the activity log if someone has looked on a page though I've just checked Confused

Do you mean that he has commented/liked things on ex's pages? If so maybe they come up on his news feed and he doesn't actually seek them out iyswim?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2013 16:18

I think, if you're checking up on him, even accidentally, even if it's not maliciously, there's something about him that's not ringing true. You say you have no reason to doubt him but I'd say listen to your subconscious...

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:19

I'm sure it's nosiness.

I believe he's being fully genuine & it looks like he's barely looked recently (1/2 a month) compared to a week at first (he wasn't fully over her in the first month we were together but we took it slow until he felt ready).

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:20

No, it literally said 'his name searched..her name ' and if he's searched pages etc.

I wish I hadn't looked!

He's good with boundaries and I was just being too nosy for my own good. I really don't think I looked because of a gut feeling or anything...

OP posts:
myflabberisgasted · 04/07/2013 16:21

Don't read too much into it.

I still occasionally check my ex's FB page and his new GF - not because I want to get back with him - no way! It's just because I am a nosy bint! Grin

Startail · 04/07/2013 16:22

DH found his Ex long before FB as a web exercise and out of curiosity.

I google my Ex periodically, but I can't find him (his surname is a normal word and not an uncommon surname).

Pure curiosity.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2013 16:22

You don't believe he's 'fully genuine' or you wouldn't even be looking. Are you a naturally suspicious person? Do you check up on other friends this way? I don't think so....

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:22

Should I keep it to myself?

I don't think it's a sign he wants to be with her but it makes me feel a but Sad even if that's silly

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 04/07/2013 16:22

Doesn't everybody check out their exes on FB? Confused
It's great fun to see how badly they have aged and to remind yourself of the bullet you dodged Wink
I thoroughly recommend it if you're having a "my life is shit" blip

bringmeroses · 04/07/2013 16:23

Don't worry about it, I look at all sorts of random things on FB, I'm sure it means nothing more than he is curious how they are doing, given they were once a big part of his life.

eurozammo · 04/07/2013 16:23

I don't think you should necesarily read too much into it. From time to time I have a nosy around for exes or friends who have fallen out of my life and something sets me wondering "I wonder what happened to...". I don't want to sleep with them.

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:24

I check stalk old school friends sometimes so I sort of see how it might be nosiness.

I've been cheated on before so I probably don't trust as easily as those who've not experienced that but I try very hard not to project that onto him, as he's given me no reason to, yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:24

Grin at Scarlet

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/07/2013 16:24

What's 'silly' is that you feel insecure about this person and then seem to be going all out to deliberately feed that insecurity... What's that saying about eavesdroppers never hearing any good of themselves? What you're describing isn't just a quick look, you've got it all down chapter and verse number of times, dates, etc. It's no good saying you trust him and you think he's genuine when your actions and Sad reaction scream otherwise.

gamerchick · 04/07/2013 16:26

Its pure nosiness and anybody who says they haven't searched for somebody/anybody from their past is a fibber.

A bit of bordem, a wide open profile of somebody you wouldn't give the time of day too these days is amusing.

I really wouldn't read too much into it.

coffeeinbed · 04/07/2013 16:27

Blimey, you you can see what you've searched for...
Don't think it means anything.
Curiosity.
Now, if he'd only searched one, then I would be a bit Hmm

myflabberisgasted · 04/07/2013 16:27

No I wouldn't tell him you looked - it sounds purely innocent to me.
As long as there weren't any inbox messages or anything between them it just sounds like idle curiosity!

MrsRebeccaDanvers · 04/07/2013 16:27

I'm sure it's just normal nosiness. Most of us do it out of mild curiosity. No need to worry unless he starts to act distantly and often cancels dates.

rootypig · 04/07/2013 16:28

Eh I check in with exes every now and then, when they pop into my head. Normal I think. If you mention it to him, not only will you be confessing to snooping, you'll be overreacting to what you have 'found'.

Who knows, he might still be hung up on her / them - but that has to unfold in the normal course of your relationship. Noone ever wants to admit it, but it's common for feelings to overlap, for nostalgia and regret to remain. As his love for you grows, his thoughts of these other women will fade. And as long as your relationship is healthy those feelings will stay in check. But nothing is as black and white as we'd like it to be, sorry.

Don't mention it, and don't bloody do it again. Just because he's in a relationship with you, doesn't mean he's not entitled to a private life - yes, including contact with his exes.