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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh crap, do I tell him? WWYD?

52 replies

Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:12

DP was late over last night...forgot to tell me he had football. No big issue. We sorted it.

But as I was worried about him (recent bereavement) I made the faux pas of checking his FB. I never have before, though I've known his password for ages.

Long story short, we're very happy generally. He talks of marriage (been together a year-ish) and he treats me well etc.

Anyway, I checked his activity log as I got curious whilst I was on there and turns out he's been checking 2 of his exes' FB pages sporadically since we got together.

What would you make of this? Would you tell him you knew? I feel quite hurt tbh. I don't seek out my exes...

When we first got together he'd just had a bad break up with the first and looked her up a lot according to FB but not as much recently...just once or twice a month.

He seemed over it months back so I don't really know what to make of it?

Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:30

I wouldn't have even looked had he not been stupidly late and me being worried about him due to a recent death of an elderly relative he was close to. I've know the password for months and not looked.

I don't really want him to know I looked as it's a breach of privacy & I know it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:31

*known

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:34

He is in no way distant & is very open & loving...which obviously makes it look like it must be curiosity.

I think I just panicked and wasn't expecting it, which serves me right really for looking.

OP posts:
Lulabellarama · 04/07/2013 16:34

I'm sorry but I don't believe your excuse for checking his Facebook. What were you expecting to find on there that would allay your fears about him being late?

Acknowledge to your self that you have trust issues and then work out whether they are down to an issue you have, or the way he's making you feel.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 04/07/2013 16:35

I wouldn't tell him, then.

He searched them, but he didn't message them, or like all of their pictures, or do anything other than see what they are doing/if they are okay/be really nosy.

If you told him, he'd most likely tell you that he was just curious, which is probably true. That won't make you feel any better, but he'll know you looked, which may make him feel like you don't trust him.

It seems like a situation where you have a lot more to lose than to gain, so I'd leave it and try to remember that you do this too, it's normal.

KatieScarlett2833 · 04/07/2013 16:35

Nothing to worry about by the sounds of it then.

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:35

I thought he might have messaged his mate to say that he was playing football, as they were all playing that evening but he'd said he wasn't going. If it was down to trust issues I'd have checked months ago when I was told his password.

OP posts:
Lulabellarama · 04/07/2013 16:36

If that were true, why did you then look at his activity log?

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:38

The last ex had messaged him to say sorry about your gran but he'd told me that already (because he was surprised, as she ended it by text and never spoke to him again etc etc).

I get it, I was being nosy and silly.

I certainly won't bloody check again. Curiosity killed the cat and all that Hmm

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 04/07/2013 16:38

Don't tell him you've been snooping. Your reason for looking is a bit silly and will sound like a lie.

ChangeyMcChangeName · 04/07/2013 16:39

I regularly google two of my exes. I wouldn't leave DH to go back to them. I'm just nosey!

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:39

To see if he'd commented on the football page. They have a group for that and hockey and they all comment to say who's playing rather than text/call etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:42

(I can easily accept that the overreaction is because of my ex, not him. I've felt very safe and able to trust DP so this just gave me a temporary 'oh shit not again' moment. Stupid, I know Sad )

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 04/07/2013 16:43

ooh yes I can see that now Shock

I always type friends names into the search box at the top instead of looking through friends list if I want to write something on their page, and now I can see all my searches.

BlameItOnTheBogey · 04/07/2013 16:50

I always check out what exes are up to - especially those who I had acrimonious splits with! It's idle curiosity. I am married to the most brilliant man ever and not at all interested in cheating. I think this is not a big deal and if you tell him you will look crazy for snooping and then crazy for making an issue out of this.

Original poster
Jaquen24 · 04/07/2013 16:52

I was just going to ask about it, not freak out at him but now I've actually use my brain and heard from a few others I can see how nutty it looks.

It's a tad cringey but I'm pretty sure i'd have reacted better had I not had a charming bastard for an ex tbh.

Nevermind. Dodged a bullet there.

OP posts:
Locketjuice · 04/07/2013 17:15

Even weirder.. I look at my now ex's and he had been searching my ex ex boyfriend Hmm

Locketjuice · 04/07/2013 17:15

Looked*

Still18atheart · 04/07/2013 17:23

I'm in the pure nosiness camp

I wouldn't worry

sarahseashell · 04/07/2013 17:51

You need to think about how you're going to trust him in the long term without policing his every thought. If you can't, get help to raise your self esteem and question if this is the right relationship for you

Sparrowlegs248 · 04/07/2013 21:50

I do this periodically when i'm bored/drunk/nosy. It means nothing to me other than one ex who i am pleased to see is happy now. However i would have a shit fit if i thought Dh was doing the same because i'm insecure/paranoid/jealous. Ridiculous double standards. I wouldn't worry about it, there would be private messages if there was anything to worry about.

Whatwouldyousay · 05/07/2013 06:48

I do this all the time, I'm nosy.

I agree with someone up-thread who said that the fact that he looked up both rather than just one would indicate that he might have just been idly browsing his past rather than holding a candle for someone in particular.

Don't say anything, but don't do it again, it's an invasion and everyone's entitled to their thoughts and memories.

OneMoreChap · 05/07/2013 15:27

I wouldn't tell him.

He'd know you had been snooping, and know you weren't trustworthy and had boundary issues.

It might upset him, and you'd be doing it to make yourself feel better.

Why burden your partner with that?

ginhag · 05/07/2013 15:32

I've googled my ex before. My ex is an utter cunt, and i would rather chew off my own arms than get back with him So personally I don't think there's any obvious reason to worry....

Jan45 · 05/07/2013 15:40

So what, it means nothing, natural curiosity, we all do it, you actually should not be spying, that's even worse.

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