Was it abuse or am I over-reacting... (long)

[dejags]

Hello everybody,

I don't know why this has started bothering me lately but I was hoping that some impartial opinions may help settle things in my mind for me.

I had a very unstable childhood and for a while now I have been brooding about it and have been "secretly" very angry with my parents for many years.

My mother is an alchoholic who in my opinion might have a bit of bipolar disorder. My dad beat my mom for years when she was having episodes or sometimes the beatings caused episodes.

My earliest memories are of extremely violent arguing between my parents and on many, many occasions I was subject to beatings and to this day still endure verbal abuse from my mother.

A couple of examples:

When I was about 6 years old I tried to look at my dad's watch - I was desparate to learn how to tell the time and wanted him to teach me. He was in a bad mood and told me to leave him alone, when I persisted he punched me in the stomach so hard it sent me flying across the room.

When I was about 10 years old I got a phone message from my mom mixed up which resulted in a huge row between my parents - my dad came into my room in the middle of the night and dragged me through the house by my hair screaming at me that it was all my fault and that I was to look at what I had caused, he had beaten my mother and she was bleeding and bruised.

On many other occasions I tried to stop my dad beating my mom and he would turn on me.

On more occasions than I could ever remember my mom would get drunk and verbally abuse me - belittling me in front of friends. On a couple of occasions she was also violent towards me - she hit me over the head with a telephone set once.

From being tiny my moms episodes always dictated family life - she hardly ever went to any school plays, recitals, parent/teacher evenings because more often than not she was too drunk or hungover.

My brother - funnily enough was never subject to any beatings but these days he bears the brunt of my mums verbal abuse when she is having a bad time of things..

I suppose my question is this - I am secretly very, very, very angry with my parents. I wonder if I am over re-acting and that has they would have me believe, our family was just a little bit beyond the norm or if I am justified in my anger.

I am pregnant again and this has made me think long and hard about how I want my kids to be raised and how they will perceive me in years to come. Most of all I don't want to repeat the mistakes my parents made...

Opinions???

Dejags, I'm really sorry I have not had enough time to finish reading this thread, but I'm shocked with your father's behaviour. He treated you badly as a girl and now when your are older the abuse continues, he can not beat you now and his comunication with your in-laws only means he tried to find another way to abuse you. I have no words to describe a person like this, he should be ashamed about himself, and you, I think you should be very proud of yourself because you are a survivor, you have gone through all this and still have found a way to love your husband and children and have built a family without repeating your parents'mistakes. You have gone through a bad childhood you will be able to get through this.

Don't worry about the in-laws, if the father of my brother in-law contacted us to tell us his son is a bad person I could only see in him a bastard who is trying to cover his a*se by sacrificing his own child's hapiness. And he is an stupid person as well, because your in-laws didn't know about the problem and by trying to apologise he has put himself in the picture as a horrible person.

hugs{}

Dejags, I am so sorry to read all this, I'm appalled at what your parents put you through.
I have nothing new to add but you have had some really good advice here, take courage from all the support you have had (most especially the lovely post from your dh) to leave them behind and concentrate on your own family and the inlaws (they sound lovely) that have taken you in as their family.

Dejags, I'm no good at this advice stuff, so I just want to say I'm thinking of you. Take care.

Dejags, I am so sorry that your father keeps getting back into your life in a such a negative way - and, now to use your in-laws too, how horrible for you and your in-laws. I don't have any constructive advice other than to say that you are right to cut off all contact and wish you all the best.

Hi dejags, so glad to see you posting again. I read your original messages when I first joined and have thought about you ever since.

Your Dad is a bully and used to getting his own way, one way or another. He is obviously shocked that you are taking control and worried that his facade may be revealed to be exactly that, a facade. He is trying to bully you into submission again forgetting one thing - you're an adult now with a family of your own. It is entirely up to you who you choose to include in your life. Frankly I'm not surprised you want nothing to do with him.

Look on his attempts to contact your husband's family for what it is, the attempt of a guilty, desperate liar who knows the game is up. You sound amazingly strong, even if it doesn't feel that way. Big hugs to you.

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dejags. i have not had your experiences, so i can't put myself in your shoes, however, i do wonder if more professional reassurance that you are totally justified in your anger would help, and that no child deserves the treatment you have received. This is clearly abnormal, but sometimes it takes time to let go and really believe deep down it is not your fault because of the age at which it happened. I think the way you have approached everything is fantastic. i don't think i would have coped at all.

Hi Gettingthere, I did start counselling a while ago and while it had some really tangible benefits I didn't really gel with the counsellor. DH says I have been much calmer since these sessions - able to see the bigger picture and able to back down more easily. So they definitely were worthwhile.

Rant begins....

I did not sleep last night because my upset has slowly morphed into extreme anger. I cannot believe that my own father could write such a lot of tripe, have the gall to send it and at the end of the day sit there and think that he has some sort of hold over me. Who the hell does this man actually think he is???

DH and I discussed the situation at length last night and we agree that my father actually believes his own version of events. He is so warped he actually thinks it's okay to beat the cr@p out of daughter and wife all in the name of "teaching me the difference between right and wrong".

Despite the fact that I am furious at this situation I will not rise to him. I don't have the energy to insist on having the last word... sorry for ranting, but it helps...

Dejags - as you know you cannot change the past and too waste time worrying or trying to understand will mean that he is still hurting you after all these years.

It really is simple as saying that its, its over and goodbye. All that energy that you have been dissapating in unnecessary negativity and anger can suddenly be used for positive thoughts and actions.

I recently, catalysed by starting Qui Jong (Chinese practice loosely related to Tai Chi ), have managed to junk all my negativity associated with my childhood - though I hasten to add nothing like as bad as yours. This has allowed me to leave my highly paid job that I hate - we don't where we are going or how we will survive on less than half the income. But it has given me the strength to make changes I have desperately wanted to make.

I highly recommend the cleansing nature of this or any sort of mediation. It might be that you need some sort of counselling to deal with your childhood - I don't know. But do you really want to go there ? Its an unpleasant place.

Finding a way to remove the negativity might be a better solution. It does take a certain amount of bravery but it is incredibly liberating.

Not sure if that makes any sense, hope it does.

Dejags, sometimes silence is more elloquent than having a last word. And it can save you from another attack. You don't need to rise to him, just take him out of your life by ignoring him. What I have just writen may seem horrible but you need to look for yourself.

You have grown up, you have your family, you are moving home. You have a life, this situation is your father's loss and he is not doing anything to change it.

Dejags - nothing new to add to the wise words below, just to say you are doing so well - and your father is showing himself up by reacting badly to that. Let your IL's know how much you DO value them as family, and let silence thwart your father's horrible antics. Like a child, he needs to know that bad behaviour will not win him attention or status!
SO SORRY you are having to put up with this just as things are coming together for you and DH again after last year.
XXXXXXX

I agree with Chandra - let your last word be silence. Move on and away from the pain.

The fact that your dad considers the abnormal to be acceptable is what i was trying to get at in my posting - but that is HIS problem. If he is not prepared to look at that aspect of himself, or even to acknowledge that there MIGHT have been sometihng wrong, then you can't make him. But nor can you continue to have a relationship with him, as he does not understand what "normal" is.

However, you still have the issue of him trying to involve your in-laws.

If you don't want to sink to his level and rake up the dirt, can you get your dh to say to them gently something along the lines of "We know you like Mr X, but it upsets Dejags that he is still trying to involve you in things that relate to their relationship, and that she doesn't want to have to explain to you. If he does get in touch again, please would you tell him that you don't want talk to him about it and (nicely) put the phone down".

The sad thing is your dad is proving his own statement, "What goes around, comes around" in the abuse that he has (apparently) passed on from his own childhood.

YOU on the other hand, are proving that it IS possible to break the cycle. Congratutlations to you.

It's sad that it has come to this - and expect to go thorugh a full brief cycle as to you your "dad" has gone. But hopefully, you've already gone through a lot of it: denial, grief and now anger! Next is acceptance - and I believe that with the support of your dh, you in-laws and of course Mumsnet, you will be able to reach that stage and a new, happier, equilibrium.

{{{hugs{}}}} again.

What would I do without you all?

I have accepted the fact that I will never allow this man into my life again. Most importantly I cannot ever allow him to manipulate me or even worse my children again.

As far as my IL's go I will quietly tell them on an individual basis that things with my parents really are not what they look like on the outside and leave it to them to decide whether or not they want to maintain any sort of relationship with my dad. I know they will not discuss me with my parents or disclose my contact details so I have to trust that they will see what is now glaringly obvious.

I am now trying to get past little things - Like the fact that I haven't got one single photo from my childhood. My parents have them all (school photos etc) and some of these memories are really precious. I also feel slightly orphaned because I do not have any "blood-family" left at all and slightly sad that I'll have to explain to my kids that their Grandfather was "a difficult man"...

These are small things in the grand scheme of things though and I will get past them ...

Thanks ladies...

I understand that it's sad about your childhood photos.

I know your brother has also had problems, although he never ad the physical abuse - you say he now bears the brunt of my mums verbal abuse when she is having a bad time of things. Is he stil in contact with them and do you have anough of a relationship with him that he might be able to get hold of even a couple of photos for you? Although, as you've said you you don't have any "blood-family" left, I suspect you DON'T have a reasonable relationship with him - in which case, I apologise for the suggestion.

Dh often says that to him, his friends are more precious than his family, as you CHOOSE your friends. I know it's not as simple as that, but maybe trying to look on the gift of love and friendship - especially as extended by your in-laws - is the new "blood" that binds you.

One day you children will be old enough to make their own decisions about thier grandfather. At that time they can go and search him out if they want - if he's still alive. And if he's not, then you can explain to them why you had had to cut him out of your life - out of love for them, your dh, and the strength you had got from your NEW family to give them the best, most loving start possible and not the one that you had had.

The man is officially stark raving mad. I have ignored subsequent emails from him - resulting in a threatening email. Basically he says that unless I apologise he will tell anybody who will listen the intimate details of my marital problems over the years. I have also ignored this email and blocked the latest email account. Hell will freeze over before I apologise to him...

I have also found out that when he phoned my IL's in South Africa he was crying and behaving like a broken man - DH phoned his relatives this morning to give them a heads up on this situation and they couldn't believe that my dad could be so manipulative...

The mind boggles....

dejags, I know you would rather ignore him completely but he is sounding so out of control now, I think you should look into some kind of legal action before he loses it altogether. It just might pull him up.

Oh, Dejags, so sorry it's like this.
(btw, am I out of date, or are you planning to emigrate soon anyway?)