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Original poster

Ex is engaged. I'm pregnant.

64 replies

myboyfriendsback · 02/07/2013 05:24

I'm so outraged and heart broken right now.

Ex Dp had an emotional affair and left me and our two children for her. A week after, I found out I was pregnant and thought that this would cause him to come around and realize that we should take a chance at trying to work it out between us, but instead he implied that he doesn't think our baby is his. I am so heart broken, I love him so much and the fact that he thought I would betray him was the worst feeling.

I found out yesterday through a mutual friend that Dp and OW are engaged to be married. I'm so devastated as Dp and I had been together for 6 years and two, almost 3 children, he always said he wouldn't marry me as he didn't believe in marriage, but after 6 weeks with her he is the marring type.

And because we weren't married my whole entire life has been turned upside down; I had to move my children and myself out of our house and now living in one bedroom at my parents house, I relied on him financially so now have no source of income, all my friends were really his friends and have chosen to stand by him.

I feel so alone, I don't know how to be without him or how to get over this. How am I supposed to have a baby on my own? I keep thinking he will come around but now she has what was supposed to be my ring on her finger I guess he isn"t. But I'm carrying his baby, surely that should count for something?

I don't know what to do all I want to do is lay down and die. I feel so worthless. How do men do this to the people they love?

OP posts:
TheRealFellatio · 02/07/2013 05:29

Why on earth did you have to move out, with two small children in tow? Confused He should have left, surely?

Sodapop55 · 02/07/2013 05:40

Because unfortunately people can be very cruel and thoughtless sometimes. What a very sad situation for you.

Not much else I can say, except with time things will get better and one day you will look back and be amazed at how happy you are then compared to now, at this point in time. I know it seems impossible right now, with your heart feeling shattered. But you will be okay. People get through all sorts of awful situations and come out on the other side tougher and in one piece, these boards are testament to that.

Dontbugmemalone · 02/07/2013 05:50

Don't have any proper advice but I can do some virtual hand holding Flowers

tribpot · 02/07/2013 06:14

How do men do this to the people they love?

Don't confuse you loving him with him loving you. These aren't the actions of a loving man. I don't think I'd be the marrying kind - if the prospect was marrying this wanker. He sounds horrendous.

You need to give up on your idea (I hesitate to call it a dream) that he'll come back because of the baby. The guy chucked his own children out of their home, he's hardly going to have a pang of conscience now.

Presumably he is paying child support? If not, that must be your priority to sort out. If you've been putting off finding out about housing options hoping he'd come back - don't. Get yourself down to CAB and see what's what.

I don't think much of his friends standing by him getting engaged whilst his partner is pregnant - it's hardly necessary is it? And downright cruel. Can you reconnect with friends you've lost touch with?

I'm assuming your parents must want to kill him. What an utter shitbag.

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 06:23

Op I am so sorry to hear your pain. It's just awful. I agree he should have moved out. His/Your kids need stability and their home is stability. He had the affair so he should have moved out.

People can be so cruel and do not consider the consequences of their thoughtless and selfish acts. Your DP and the woman are cruel. But you need to try and think about what is right for you and the children.

I am so so sorry you are in so much pain Op.

Mosman · 02/07/2013 07:46

I would think hard about what you want, an extra baby isn't going to bring him running back to you and the children.

He is an idiot, there's lots of them around.

Mosman · 02/07/2013 07:46

Have you still got keys ? I'd be fecking moving back in too

Original poster
myboyfriendsback · 02/07/2013 08:00

I can't move back in, the house is in his name and he has changed the locks. The worst part is that he isn't even living there. Doesn't matter anyway, I couldn't afford to keep it on my own.

OP posts:
myfriendflicka · 02/07/2013 08:07

Get legal advice as soon as you can. Lots of solicitors give a free half hour.

Also go to Women's Aid - he should not have changed the locks on you and the children even if the house was in his name.

www.womensaid.org.uk

It is emotionally tough and I am very sorry to hear about it, but you also need to take action practically for the sake of the dcs and you.

WouldBeHarrietVane · 02/07/2013 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mosman · 02/07/2013 08:18

You should and can be in that house, have you got keys ? He must provide for those children and paying his own bloody mortgage is the least he can do.

CoteDAzur · 02/07/2013 08:20

How far along are you? Please don't be offended by this but I think I would consider a termination in your shoes. You need to quickly get back on your feet and build a life for yourself and your children.

You are not worthless but he doesn't love you. Your worth is not based on his love.

I wouldn't want anything to do with a man who would leave his little children and pregnant girlfriend. And neither should you.

Chin up. It will get better.

Original poster
myboyfriendsback · 02/07/2013 08:20

I've already seen a solicitor and because ex had a separate apartment for work and he filed his taxes under that address he said we were not legally viewed as being in a committed relationship and as such I have no claim over the house as I was only a 'housemate'! Yeah, a housemate who is the mother of his children.

I just feel like the whole world has turned against me.

OP posts:
Mosman · 02/07/2013 08:20

Sorry just saw he's changed the locks, if you have a bill for that address a lock smith will change them back again for you, just call someone and say you're locked out.

Original poster
myboyfriendsback · 02/07/2013 08:23

I'm 13 weeks.

OP posts:
Mildpanic · 02/07/2013 08:26

Oh love.
What an awful time for you. You are understandably devastated.
Hand holding here. Didn't want to read and run so felt must offer.
Be kind to yourself. This is surely the worst bit, it must be on and up from here. You will survive and be strong as you deal with this over time.
Hugs!

Original poster
myboyfriendsback · 02/07/2013 08:37

I'm not offended Cote

I have thought about abortion, but it pains me and it seems wrong in this situation as I do want this baby. As stupid as it sounds, it is comforting knowing that I have a little piece of him still with me, but at the same time it kills me to know that IF the OW also becomes pregnant within the year that our babies will be the exact same age, as I'm due early January. I toture myself thinking about this and I don't know how to stop, as I know if she gets pregnant we know which baby will be more important to him, don't we?

I don't even know where to begin with the whole single parenting thing. I've never viewed myself as a single parent and I don't know how I will do it.

OP posts:
melbie · 02/07/2013 08:37

I imagine given that you could prove he is the father of your children a lawyer could make it very clear you were not "housemates". Was there a financial advantage to you not being a couple?

It feels utterly shit now. But you will get through it and one day in the future suddenly wake up and realise it is ok, in fact better without him. And you will still have your wonderful children.

MadBusLady · 02/07/2013 08:51

Good god, I don't know where to start. You poor thing. What an unbelievable shit he is! I think you need to find some anger. This man has decided to leave his relationship, which is one thing, but in pursuit of this he has thrown his own children out and changed the locks?? That is vile beyond belief.

Yes, you're quite right that the baby won't be important to him in the slightest, if he's prepared to stop giving his existing children food and shelter.

Please get a second and third opinion from other solicitors. And by the way this "separate apartment" sounds grim, so be prepared for the possibility that either this has been going on for longer than you think, or you are not his only family. He sounds easily enough of a wanker to do that.

LittlePeaPod · 02/07/2013 08:54

OP I know it's really early days and you are going through the mil. But have you discussed financial arrangements with him in the interim? If not and his been difficult I would get legal advice on it and contact the CSA.

[flwers]

Mixxy · 02/07/2013 08:55

"We know which baby will be more important to him, don't we"

Stop trying to compete with the OW. Its a done deal. And who cares if that baby (which currently doesn't exist as she's not pregnant) would be more important to him. He's got two very alive children right now that clearly mean squat to him. Get accommodation and financial support for them locked down now. This pregnancy will not bring him back, so even though you don't mean to, stop thinking of this pregnancy as currency between the two of you. Get to a solicitor today.

I know you are heart broken and I feel for you. He's just an unstoppable arsehole at this stage. Get the kids and the one on the way sorted and then collapse in a heap. Take him for every penny he's got.

Original poster
myboyfriendsback · 02/07/2013 09:13

I know Mixxy but it's hard. I've compared everything about her life to mine and it's so understandable why he would leave me for her; She's pretty, skinny, rich, educated. Everytime I speak to my best friend, whose girlfriend is good friends with EX, I demand that she tell me everything she knows about OW and it seems that the two of them are meant for one another. That is what hurts the most. It also hurts that he hasn't even had a second thought about it. When I read on here, the dp usually gets cold feet at some point and calls or vists, but my ex hasn't. It's like the last 6 years haven't even been worth that.

He currentally has the DC (1 and 3) every Sunday and Wensday and I have pleaded with him not to take them back to OW house but who knows what he is doing with them. I don't want her around them at all.

He has also requested that all visitation and CS be dealt with through the court. I don't understand why, it's not like I've been difficult. Crying a lot, yes but I still think I've been civil towards him, given the circumstances.

OP posts:
perplexedpirate · 02/07/2013 09:17

What. The. Fuck?!
What a hideous shit. How lucky you are that you didn't marry him!

Get thee to a solicitor today and find out your options.
He will stew in his own juice, that is guaranteed.

Have some cake too. Cake always helps. Wink

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/07/2013 09:31

OP, I'm so sorry for your pain.

Please though focus on getting your children sorted out longer term. At least you have your parents' home in the interim. It sounds as if the access arrangements are in place so that they see their father so that's some small thing.

As the other posters have suggested, get some professional legal advice regarding your options. That will be the practical stuff out of the way.

Please stop asking about the OW. It's really not relevant, she is who she is, you are who you are and it shouldn't have beena competition. Your ex will not be coming back. He's cruel and insensitive and you still have options regarding your pregnancy. You already have three 'pieces of him' living and breathing and needing you, their mum. Keep this baby if you want the baby for its own sake, not as a 'hook' to try to get him back, nor as yet another 'piece of him'.

I hope you have some RL friends you can talk to but if not, please speak to the relevant agencies who can guide you regarding what's available to you right now.

tribpot · 02/07/2013 09:32

I think he wants to push it through the courts because he knows you can't afford it.

Forget about the OW and whether they're meant for each other. He's not worth the brain cells spent thinking about it.

Only you can make a decision about abortion but please don't keep the baby as a 'piece of him'. Keep it (if that's your choice) despite him, not because of him.

Get tough. Don't focus your energy on unproductive battles over whether OW is involved in contact. Icy indifference is where you need to get to with him - not an easy journey I know.