Ex is engaged. I'm pregnant.

[myboyfriendsback]

I'm so outraged and heart broken right now.

Ex Dp had an emotional affair and left me and our two children for her. A week after, I found out I was pregnant and thought that this would cause him to come around and realize that we should take a chance at trying to work it out between us, but instead he implied that he doesn't think our baby is his. I am so heart broken, I love him so much and the fact that he thought I would betray him was the worst feeling.

I found out yesterday through a mutual friend that Dp and OW are engaged to be married. I'm so devastated as Dp and I had been together for 6 years and two, almost 3 children, he always said he wouldn't marry me as he didn't believe in marriage, but after 6 weeks with her he is the marring type.

And because we weren't married my whole entire life has been turned upside down; I had to move my children and myself out of our house and now living in one bedroom at my parents house, I relied on him financially so now have no source of income, all my friends were really his friends and have chosen to stand by him.

I feel so alone, I don't know how to be without him or how to get over this. How am I supposed to have a baby on my own? I keep thinking he will come around but now she has what was supposed to be my ring on her finger I guess he isn"t. But I'm carrying his baby, surely that should count for something?

I don't know what to do all I want to do is lay down and die. I feel so worthless. How do men do this to the people they love?

Ack, I know pet, its awful when you feel heartbroken in ways like this. I was left 3 weeks before my wedding date, but that seems like a cake walk to what you're dealing with boyfriendsback

Don't think about the OW for now. Lets get the kids sorted. If he wants to bring it through the courts, this can only be good for you. Seems to me that he's getting
some bogey legal advise if he thinks it will benefit him to take it that route. If you need something to focus on for the next week, would it help you to frame it in your mind, "Every penny and consession I get from him for my kids is one less cent she gets to spend on her poxy wedding dress"?

Please don't keep the baby just to keep a hold on him. That won't do you any favours in the long run. If you want the baby yourself, even if he never acknowledges it, never acts like a proper father, never bonds with it, and you still want it - then carry on. If you have an honest think and the only reason you want it is to keep hold of him then you might need to get tough. The physical rigours of pregnancy alone won't help you deal with this situation.

so sorry to read about your situation. Firstly, get onto the CSA and start the ball rolling on Child Support. Its a straight forward calculation of his earnings, so he cant wriggle out of that one.

Then, try and arrange some mediation regarding contact with the DC. A judge would require that before it went to court anyway. You can have shuttle mediation if you dont want to sit in the same room as him.

Don't let him threaten you with court. You would probably get free mediation if you are on a low income.

As others have said, don't compare yourself to OW, or use the baby to hold on to him. He is not worth holding onto.

You need to look after yourself now. What about housing? Have you been to the local authority? With two DC and another on the way, I would think you would be fairly high up the list, even if your parents have to make you homeless so that you can get somewhere.

Oh boyfriend what a story. I am so sorry my love. I was left by ex DH in middle of IVF when DS 2.5 but that seems relatively easy compared to you.

I'm going to bypass the emotional advice which I hope others will provide and get down to brass tacks. This may sound cold or harsh but I wish I had taken this advice when I was in the middle of my financial and parenting agreements as I was broken and didn't make the best choices.

1. Although the law is slightly different if you are not married you will have some protections and entitlements. I would concur that he is likely to want to proceed with indecent haste to capitalise on your emotional inability to deal with things and your possible lack of financial wherewithal to 'fight' it.

1. I'm not a lawyer, not do I live in UK, so you may want to x-post on the legal boards or post there linking this thread, but I would be hugely surprised if his separate flat for work/tax purposes could actually be seen as proof that you were flatmates, given your shared children and pregnancy. Many people have more than one property, many people have complicated tax situations. I am unwilling to believe that you are persona non grata because of this and suggest you consult another solicitor.

1. I know that my ex-H counted on the fact that I still wanted things to work out so he used that to stiff me into a financial agreement that wasn't the best for me. He partly did this, I partly woke up to myself. I want to tell you loud and clear that however you act it won't change his feelings for you. So you need to look after yourself and your existing DC and, if you decide to continue with the pregnancy, that child. From what you have written about second property and tax reasons if your ex is wealthy then it may mean you may be entitled to more than basic CSA....again, beg borrow and steal to get the best legal advice you can afford and in the meantime sound out with Citizens Advice etc.

1. I would also speak to CA about the housing situation. It seems harsh you had to leave home and he has changed locks even if in his sole name. Ask what your options are in relation to this.

1. In terms of your current pregnancy, I'm not in UK but when I was suddenly left I was able to get subsidised counselling via GP (about half of usual cost)....can you see GP and see what counselling (and I'm not talking necessarily specialist pregnancy counselling, I mean more general expert help to deal with break down, shock of engagement and the decision you face.

1. I imagine you feel like your life has exploded but know you will find a way through this for your DC sake. Unfortunately you need to find the strength to sort out the rest of your life at precisely the moment you are least emotionally, physically and financially equipped to do so PLEASE get as much RL help as possible to guide you though.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Huge love x

What the others said. Love, you really need to stop belly-aching about the OW and get a bit tiger-mother about your kids and the financial provision for them. Do not let him walk all over you.

Fab, downunderdolly. :)

What an utter shit, he has evicted you and his children and changed flocks . You are well shot of him, the utter wanker.

Echoing all the other excellent advice on this thread.

Good grief. He sounds priceless to change the locks on the home of his small children. I think you are well shot of him, and I pity her. Perhaps you should write to her and ask her to think carefully about what sort of man would do this to his own children?

I went through this exact same thing some years ago - long(ish) marriage of 10 years, 2 children, ex walks out...3 weeks later I realise I'm pregnant (wasn't planned). Claimed the baby couldn't possibly be his (he was literally conceived the same week he walked out!). Went to hell and back with him and the 'other woman' (who wasn't a nice person I don't think, and was even less nice when she realised that he had in fact been having a sexual relationship with his wife right up till the last second of him leaving for her! Would have loved to have been a fly on the wall, believe me!).

If you are going to have this baby, do it because that's the right thing for you. You are going to be damned if you do and damned if you don't. He isn't going to come back - mine never did - the pregnancy didn't make a blind bit of difference to how he felt about me. In fact, I would go as far to suggest the pregnancy made everything that bit worse because he had something to feel horribly guilty about. You can rent a house and you will manage financially until you are ready to work again. It will be tough, but you'll cope and I can say that with some certainty because I have been there, and I know how it feels, and I coped and today I have my own home, 3 children, a new career and a level of independence never experienced with him in my life.

Don't worry yourself about who she is. She has now landed herself with a right one! Feel a bit sorry for her and plan YOUR future and keep looking forwards. Looking backwards will not help you in the long run - it just delays you going through the pain and coming out the other side ('cos you will come out the other side, I promise).

Speak with your GP and/or a midwife as soon as possible as they will know what services there are in your area that might be able to support you. Don't put this off - if you have doubts about continuing with the pregnancy, you really do need some professional support which is unbiased to help you make that decision. It can be no one's else's decision so talking it through will really help you clarify what you want.

Keep posting, send me a message directly if I can help at all. You WILL be fine. Give it time x

What a prick. You must be reeling from the shock. As others have said take stock, contact csa now and make a move toward sorting out housing for your DC. They need stability ATM, this must be hard for them too I imagine emotionally, you will be up and down for a while, this is a huge change and to deal with it pregnant as well is an incredible feat.
what a prick.

Op am so sorry for what your going through but unfortunately both men and women who do these acts only think of themselves.

It's hard to do when your feeling broken but you need to find the lioness in you. He's shafted both you and your children and to be blunt evolution should have found a way to deal with parasites like him and those like him.

Forget the illusion of a happy family life with this scum you and your children are worth far more than that bag of shite.

Echoing others get to womensaid and the cab. Security for you and the children is the priority.

As time goes on you will find that inner strength and realise what a lucky escape you and the children have had. I'm sure that you will more than make up for his lack of parental love and concern.

Big hug and hand hold

Remember above all you are worth more than that twat

OK as this man has shown himself to be completely untrustworthy, don't trust him and don't believe anything he says. If he is the father of your DC then his claim that you are 'housemates' is rubbish. He will have to pay you child support.
Talk to the CAB/WOmen's AId/Rights of WOmen to get proper legal advice: as a mother of young DC you should be high priority for council housing or it may be possible that you can move back into the family home as it is the children's home, whether this man likes it or not.

So sorry, OP. I can't better the advice above, so will pick up on this:

it seems that the two of them are meant for one another. That is what hurts the most. It also hurts that he hasn't even had a second thought about it

The fact that he has attached himself to someone new so quickly is NOT because he has met the love of his life. Nor because she is any better than you. It's because his feelings are extremely shallow. Dangerously so.

This is underlined by the cruel way he has dumped you all, and effectively sent his own children 'out on the street'.

Being rich, skinny and educated will not protect his new 'love' from similar cruel behaviour. He will treat her equally badly in time, or worse. So please don't feel he is with her because she is better than you, or that he'll change for her, or that you just weren't right for him, or anything else. It's all him. He is not a good or nice man of any description.

I understand that you won't feel this way right now but you have escaped from a nasty, selfish, cowardly man. That is a good thing, ultimately - he is not going to stop being any of these things regardless of his girlfriend's weight, hair colour or wealth.

It is good that he wants things mediated through the courts - less chance for him to mess with your head.

Get a good lawyer. If he is claiming you were his tenant then how come you have his children? In his house. They are entitled to his financial support including no. 3. So make him pay.

is this 'housemate' named on your childrens birth certificates?

Whether or not he's on the birth certificate, if he is their father he will still have to pay. And a court can force him to have a DNA test if he is selfish and dishonest enough to say they are not his.

Cote : Have an abortion just because your man left you holding the baby?

Gasp.

What baby? I have not talked about infanticide.

We are talking about a new pregnancy. I asked how far long she was. If it were 6-7 weeks, yes, in her place I would terminate. Not because I'll be a single parent but because I would choose to quickly get back on my feet and take care of my existing children.

If you have a problem with that go tell someone who cares

Don't worry about the marriage thing. It seems common that people who mess around in their relationship and the move on with the person they were messing with make a big gesture.

Sometimes it is a baby when they previously didn't want one sometimes as in this instance it is marriage.

It is a big way to show how right they were for each other, how special they were and to prove it to all those looking in.

Let it go and thank your lucky stars he is not your problem.

You got the best of him 3 beautiful children.

Stop asking about her and comparing yourself. If she was older, fatter, uglier you would wonder what was so wrong with you that he went there. It is a no win thing and you only hurt yourself.

Go to the CAB and find out what you are entitled to. Get the ball rolling with the CSA and find out what help and benefits you are entitled to.

So sorry you are in this position.

However you really need to refocus and quickly, for yourself and your children.

His new partner isn't relevant to you right now. By making her a target of your emotions you are doing yourself a disservice.

By what you have written its clear you are in desperate need of good legal advice.

The issue if who owns the house and where a business is located does not mean he doesn't need to financially support your children and potentially another should you wish to proceed with the pregnancy.

He won't come back because of the baby. So you need to decide if you want this child or not and if you can cope and what impact it will have on your children.

It must be very hard, but you need to be strong and distance yourself from him emotionally and start getting your plan of action together based on independent sound legal advice.

Hi Op. I just came back to say I really hope you are doing as well as can be at this very difficult time. My thoughts are with you and your DC.

OP I was left by my baby daddy and it hurts so much im still pregnant and he said the baby id not his and disappeared blocked ma calls etc I felt so alone I cried so mny times but when I read your story somehow I feel much better you are going through worse. At least maybe I deserved it falling pregnant for a guy I hardly know but you 6years two kids and he is denying the 3rd and throwing you out of the house and immediately engaging someone else. Here I am feeling like the world has shut down on me but I feel so bad and im so sorry to whats happening to you. Abortion is not easy to go about hey but just jus keep the dc for you not for hope he will come back and personally I think he shouldn't jus make help with child support but move on, you will be ok it always gets worse before it gets better

I dont usually post on the relationship boards but this OP has really shocked me, i dont know what to say.
OP- it feels like shit now, but you WILL come through this and will look back and be glad he is out of your life.
You are being remarkable in letting him see the children and arrange contact - i know its not the right thing to say but i'm not sure i would be so easy on that one if i was in this situation - he has demonstrated quite clearly how he thinks of his children by throwing them out on the street and making them homeless. How can anyone do that??

Please please seek legal advice - post on the legal boards here as a start - he must definitely pay child maintenance and i think you may also be able to put a claim in for a lump sum under TOLATA law and the Childrens Act may help in getting a claim for them - i'm not legal but know of others who have taken this route.

I'm wishing you the best of luck!

but when I read your story somehow I feel much better you are going through worse.

I hope that came out wrong.

And I must say I completely agree with cote. I know it won't happen in this instance but it would be the quickest and easiest way to make a really shit situation a lot less shit. But hey, there's always a whole load of people queueing up to tell us how awful we are to suggest such a thing.