How much access to DC does your ex have?

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Hi,

Sorry, I have just posted this in "Lone Parents" thread as well but realised that there may be more traffic on this one.

I am in the process of setting down how much access my ex should have with our DD. I am thinking either a Saturday or Sunday 10:30am - 4:30pm. I don't in principle have anything against overnight stays, but he does not live somewhere that is appropriate for her to stay the night.

Is this reasonable (I know without a doubt that my ex will not find this reasonable, he will want to come everyday!).

I suppose I would like to know what the norm is (if there is one) and also what I have suggested above is reasonable.

[perfectstorm]

Courts are almost always toxic, agree. But there's no need to involve a court in telling an ex you get on really badly with he needs to do doorstep handovers from now on. You don't need to explain or justify. Just tell him that's the new situation.

I think it's worth remembering that this is your child's model for how relationships work. She'll note how you handle being assertive, setting boundaries etc. - do you want her to let a man do this to her, in 25 years?

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

I've managed to get the ball rolling a little by telling him not to come round tonight. Told him I have a friend over. He texted back saying this was fine. Later he texted saying he will be round mine tomorrow sometime around late morning/early afternoon and that he wants to take DD out to the park but wants to give her lunch at mine first. I've responded to him saying he needs to give me a specific time to pick her up so that I can get her ready for when he turns up and also stating that he can either take her out to lunch or he can arrive a bit later after I have given her lunch at mine. That was a couple of hours ago and I have not heard anything. It probably does'nt sound like much to anyone else but I feel a lot better today because I have decided to do something about this situation of him coming round my home and am now being proactive and actually doing something about it. Baby steps and all that.

I texted him a couple of hours after that text asking if he got my previous text but he has'nt replied. I just hope he is going to be a bastard about it.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

He still has'nt replied to my texts. I texted him again this morning requesting he confirm what time he is going to come and pick DD up. I know he has the message because I receive delivery reports on my mobile. He always has his phone near him and is always checking messages when they come so it is unlikely that he has not read them. I'm getting annoyed that he has not responded because it feels like he is leaving me hanging. Its probably a control thing because he does'nt like me telling him what to do. I think he will probably be a twat about this and just turn up when he wants and make out he did'nt get my messages.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Thank Viking1. I have sent the text message. He has 10 minutes remaining. Then I am going out! I told him also that it is up to him to get in contact if he wants to see her tomorrow.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

*Thanks not thank

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

This is how the day panned out.

Ex did not respond to my messages so I left with DD, going to meet a friend for some lunch. I get a flurry of calls from ex stating he is outside my house and acting like nothing has happened. I ask him whether he read my text messages and after a short pause says that he only got them about 10 minutes earlier as his phone was so full of messages he could'nt receive any new ones. I know for a fact that he definitely the earlier ones because I remember receiving the delivery reports. I tell him that I am out now and that I have made other plans at which point he hangs up on me. I then receive an angry voicemail saying that I am point scoring and berating me for not working out that maybe his phone was not working properly. I text back saying I am not point scoring but placing boundaries. I spent the day with DD and my friend, had a nice lunch and walk in the park, which was all nice. But ex was playing on my mind a lot. I think I am just so unsure of myself I start thinking maybe I was being unreasonable that DD did not get to see him at all.

[RandomMess]

Jemima your ex is not going to like it one bit. Do you have his email address? I would suggest you email him asking him what contact he would like, in terms of him collecting her etc and tell him that if he cannot be civil on the phone to you that you will only communicate by email.

Wishing you strength, please come back for any support you need it is you not him. Stay calm at all times and just state repeatedly that you wish to sort out contact amicably but it needs to be a fixed times for dds routine and he is no longer welcome to have contact in your home. Any threats of solicitor court etc just let him as they will actually back up what you are offering.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

This is what happened today. I sent a text to him in the morning asking if he wanted to take DD out and if so, what time he wanted to come and pick her up. No response. I tried ringing a couple of times because I figured that I would rather know if he was coming rather than waiting around. This seems to be a theme - me waiting around in the darkness, not knowing when he is going to just turn up. His phone goes straight to answerphone. By about 1.30pm of hearing nothing, I hear the front door bell and know it is him. I don't answer because we have no arrangement for him to just turn up. He then rings about 5 mins later stating he tried my doorbell and can I let him in. I say no, I'll get DD ready and he can come and pick her up in 15 minutes, which is what we do. I hand her over with a bag of her stuff on the doorstep. He asks whether I packed a specific toy, which he would like to take with them, so as I go back he tries to tailgate me into my own home but I don't let him in.

He drops her off later, and again I don't let him in. I feel quite pleased with myself that I have done it. I know it sounds a bit silly but I'm quite proud of myself. I also feel a bit like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders,, I suppose because I am starting to assert myself and feel a bit more in control.

The conversation with him was a bit tense. He was clearly hoping to be let in when he came to drop her off. He asked if I would ever let him do bedtime routines again and I did'nt manage an assertive response , I just sort of mumbled something.

He also mentioned something about a text message he sent me late last night. Its said something about whether I wanted something from the shops. I read it last night and just assumed it was meant for someone else and ignored it. But he said that he had apparently received a message from me yesterday evening asking if he could pick up some stuff for me and he said that he had worked out that it was from 2 years ago and had only just received it. He said this was proof his phone was faulty and as he walked off said he never ignores my texts. My gut feeling is that the story sounds like bollocks.

Sorry this is a bit long/boring but I am sort of using this thread as a form of off loading which I am finding very therapeutic and really appreciate all the advice I have gotten so far!

[oopsadaisymaisy]

My ex only has access 6 hours a week. I think its appaulling but he has no interest in his child. Please think about what's best for the children.

[Thingymajigs]

My ex doesn't have set hours because he has little interest in the boys and doesn't work set hours. He texts and arranges to have them for a weekend 4 times a year and for a full week in the summer though. Works for us.

[RandomMess]

Well done, it's the beginning of putting those boundaries in place.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Today I get a text from ex stating that he finds me baffling and frustrating. He said that I would'nt let him see DD out of spite because I was annoyed that he was ignoring my text messages. He is now saying that he did reply to my Friday texts (but I did'nt receive them).

I send him a reply reiterating that I received delivery reports for the messages, and also that it felt like he WAS ignoring my messages to spite me and to show me "who's boss". I said that regardless of whether I sent any texts or not, it is still courteous to discuss with me beforehand when he is going to turn up at my home. I said that I waited as long as I was willing, but then decided to leave and make other plans because I was not willing to wait around all day.

He said that he has never played games with me, that I just assume that he is because of my past and that I believe that people are out to get me. Which I don't personally think is true. He said that he feels like he is paying for the injustices that have happened to me in the past and that he tries to be understanding etc. He said he is hurt because everyone else in his life thinks he is dedicated and committed but that I am the one who does'nt appreciate him.

I have been full of this in my head all day and just have to let it out. I think i have over thought this so much my head is confused. When he says things about me blaming him for stuff that has happened in my past it makes me feel like he is undermining me and the legitimate point I have about time keeping etc. I feel like he is making me into this unreasonable crazy bitch who does'nt let him see his DD. I have to remind myself that it was him who did not get in contact with me on Saturday etc.

He also complained about me not valuing or appreciating him. It makes me so cross because I feel like I am the one who always bends to him, telling him I appreciate him staying around. He never says nice things to me, other than in a back handed compliment sort of way.

[fromparistoberlin]

I think you still have an emotional attachment, which is normal, but worth ackowledging given your last post! dont let him fuck with your head, HE is out of order.

you have done VERY well. stay calm, stay assertive, no text message battles. stand your ground and I think you are on the right path

but do try and move from texts to more formal emails, its easier to write calm, assertive messages that way!

[maja00]

Stop texting him. Put everything in an email - tell him he isn't welcome to have contact in your home anymore but he can choose to have your DD either Saturdays or Sundays and an overnight in the week (or whatever works for you).

Don't get into any discussions about his home being unsuitable - he can choose whether to have overnights at his house, or no overnights.

[TheWrathofNaan]

You are engaging with him too much.

Get set times sorted and start to heal and move forward.

[RandomMess]

Agree with the others stop the texting backwards and forwards.

Of course others think he is a wonderful father because HE tells them that he puts her to bed x days per week etc but you know that isn't true as he doesn't engage with her etc.

Email him. Tell him that you've taken advice (you have us ) and that you do not have to allow contact to take place in your home, therefore you would like to offer him x contact from now on. I would actually offer him overnights straight away - after all it is him who has deemed that his place is unsuitable. Presumably you don't really have any objections? I agree not ideal but it's still his choice. If it drags on and ends up in court you will look entirely reasonable that you have offered generous overnight contact and he has turned it down.

[RandomMess]

If he emails with you with more drivel about his opinion of you, IGNORE completely and itterate and reitterate "what contact schedule would you like with dd, I was think 1 evenings per 5-7pm and every other weekend/every Sunday.

Let him rant away and keep it all in a folder. Once you have restated yoruself a few times do not respond other than to agree fixed contact.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

I do feel now that I should not have responded to him at all. I was just so irritated that I thought it would make me feel better if I responded to him. But now i just feel like I have been sucked into this argument even further. Over the weekend I felt so good about sticking to my boundaries etc, now I just feel anxious, and unsure of myself.

I feel really annoyed that he makes out how great he is. He is not. He scarcely does anything. In his message he was like what happened on Saturday was a one off and that otherwise he is totally reliable. This is not the case. It is frustrating dealing with someone like this. It will be hard not engage. I need to focus on the original point which was about access.

[fromparistoberlin]

so dont enagage. Keep to emails, minimal texts and minimal conversations

stand your ground, be calm, civil but dont get enagaged and DONT get angry if you can!

he needs to see you mean business, so stay firm

you are not stopping contact, as said upathread NO court in the land would promote visits to your own home!!!

in time, once the home visits stop and you move away from direct contact this annoyance will abate, I hope

x

[Snorbs]

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's a learning process. It will take time to get out of the habit of responding to everything he seems and, instead, only responding when you need to. Took me months to properly get the hang of it.

You're doing well.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Hi,

I've not had the ex round at all since Sunday, and feel much better for it!

I have just sent him an email which is as follows:

"I have for a while been unhappy about the amount of time you spend at my home. I would like to limit the amount of time you come to my house, and please understand that I am talking about my house, NOT ACCESS TO DD. I have no problems with you seeing DD. What I suggest is weekend access arranged in advance (with agreed pick up and drop off times which need to be respected) as well as 2 weekday visits where you come and pick DD up and bring her back by 6pm so that I can do the bedtime routine. If you want to have her for a night on a weekday evening or weekend this I think should be OK.

What are your views? THis is a discussion by the way, not me laying down the law. This is what I propose, I'm open to what you have to say. "

Been thinking for ages about what I was going to say and I just thought oh fuck it and banged this out and sent it straight to him. I think its pretty reasonable? What do others think?