How much access to DC does your ex have?

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Hi,

Sorry, I have just posted this in "Lone Parents" thread as well but realised that there may be more traffic on this one.

I am in the process of setting down how much access my ex should have with our DD. I am thinking either a Saturday or Sunday 10:30am - 4:30pm. I don't in principle have anything against overnight stays, but he does not live somewhere that is appropriate for her to stay the night.

Is this reasonable (I know without a doubt that my ex will not find this reasonable, he will want to come everyday!).

I suppose I would like to know what the norm is (if there is one) and also what I have suggested above is reasonable.

[RandomMess]

It's fine but if he starts whining about not having anywhere to take her etc remind him that is his issue to resolve.

[perfectstorm]

Completely reasonable. Backing up the other poster, in that if he whines that he has nowhere to take her, I'd respond that just as you provide her with a safe and suitable home environment it is his responsibility to ensure likewise in his parenting time with her. It is not your responsibility to do this.

He's going to make out you are being terribly unfair and unreasonable because you are too nice, and he is a manipulative scrote on the evidence you've provided here. There is nothing wrong with you at all other than allowing him to take the piss for too long. Don't engage and force him to man up and be a father. He's expecting you to mother him as well as your DD, really. He isn't your problem, and nor is his relationship with your DD. All you need to do is make her available for contact.

Can I ask if he is good about paying at least the CSA mandated minimum maintenance? Is he at least financially responsible with her?

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

He does pay maintenance perfectstorm. He did'nt at first, but he does now and it is slightly above the CSA recommended amount so he is financially responsible.

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

I was getting ready to post a suggestion along the lines of your email, until I got to the end of the thread and saw you'd already done it - well done! I think it does open negotiations, and gives you a starting point. Be prepared for him to ignore/rant about how unreasonable you are/refuse to engage and turn up when he feels like it. I'd suggest that next time, instead of sending an email that says 'what do you think' maybe end it with 'please reply by x-date if you agree/disagree/with your own suggestions otherwise I'll assume that you are in complete agreement'. It might make no difference whatsoever, but if you imply that failure to reply = agreement, then you might be more likely to get a response. Whether that response is of any use is another matter!

If he ignores you, then just let him know what you are prepared to do i.e. he can come the 2 nights as suggested (you go to gym) and he can take her out one day at the weekend too. Make plans for your days/don't make plans for his days, and try and stick to your new found sense of confidence in putting bounderies in place.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

He came back to the email I sent above saying that he thinks that we can work along these lines and that he has been thinking the same sort of thing for a while. I have not had him in the house all week and I feel sooo much happier! I've asked him to stay away this week just so I could have some space which to give him credit he has done without causing too much fuss. We emailed back and forth and I feel much more positive about things than I did say a week or two ago. He has just come to pick DD up (on the doorstep) and will give her her dinner tonight before dropping her off later for me to do the bedtime routine. I feel we are dealing with the situation like adults and we both seem OK about things. I;m so relieved, its like a big weight off my shoulders and hopefully things will continue like this!

[RandomMess]

So so so pleased to read your update - onwards and upwards!

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Hiya. After a week of doorstop handovers and a weekend with arranged access, with times kept etc, I've been feeling really good. He agreed on Sunday that he will have her on Tuesdays and Thursdays (he will have her between 4:30pm and 6pm). And also access on the weekend. However he has just texted me saying he is missing doing the bedtime routine and does'nt understand how me doing more work and him seeing her less is a good solution and that he is unhappy.

I was thinking we had kind of sorted this out but obviously not. I think I will just respond to him by saying that if he wants to do the bedtime routine, he can do it in his own home.

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

I think this is then your opportunity to suggest that he start to rethink his accommodation because when he has a place suitable for your DD to sleep over, he can start his own bed time routine, and then everyone will be happy. If you are feeling generous, you could suggest that he could have one or 2 (depending on what you are comfortable with) where you get the chance to go to the gym, but put a time limit linked to when he gets his own place suitable got overnights. You have to stick to it though because if you backtrack on the timescale then he'll never have that motivating him to get a place suitable for your DD to sleep over.

Good luck, hope it all works out.

[RandomMess]

I agree, tell him to sort out some accommodation where he is prepared to have dd overnight.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

I think that what I have to do is tell him to sort out his accommodation and then he can start his own bedtime routine. I'm not feeling particularly generous about having him coming a couple of times a week while I go out because I feel like that is a step backwards (or even back where I started.). I feel sooo much better the last week or so having my house to myself and not having to deal with him too much. I'm just disappointed that he is digging his heals in and scared that the progress I feel I have made the last week will fail. I have always stated that I have no problem with him seeing DD, the problem I have is him coming into my home as I feel so uncomfortable. I just hate confrontation.

[ArabellaBeaumaris]

Yes, tell him just that. Did you say earlier you would be happy with dd to stay at his current house, but he is reluctant? Either way having accommodation suitable for his child is his responsibility.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

Yes Arabella, that is exactly it. I have no problem DD staying with him - he is the one who is reluctant.

I know I need to do this, I am just not used to standing my ground and I am scared I'll cave in

[ArabellaBeaumaris]

You've been scared you'd cave in all along & you haven't! You are doing great setting your boundaries you can do this too.

[RandomMess]

As Arabella says you can do this!

I'm not sure how old your dd is, but tell him to buy a travel cot/ready bed and have her stay over then

[laeiou]

Crikey I could have written this!

I've a 2 yo. Relationship with ex ended while pg. I could count on one hand the visits ds has had at ex's home. Not only does ex want contact at my home - and with a baby it did seem easier - ex also wants me to play happy families including weekend trips together and days with his mum visiting. In my house.

There's something territorial going on. Ex used to live here. He comments on any changes I've made - oh you keep that there now? And always has to have a pee here even on a quick visit.

I don't think evening visits suit my child so they've stopped. Ex has contact one day a weekend e.g. Sat, sometimes just 2 hours, this week was longer but still returned 1 hr earlier than expected. DS was whiny and ravenous. He'd eaten all the food I'd sent, ex hadn't thought to give him more. I think age 2 is difficult as the child can't communicate in a mature way. Ex can't deal with emotions. Not great at anticipating needs or reading behaviour.

DS seems ok with one day a week. He seems to understand that he only sees daddy occasionally. I had to explain to ex that regular scheduling was important. Not every day one week then nothing for a fortnight. I think you should suggest a schedule that suits you and monitor your child's behaviour. I expect my own schedule will change with age, but at age 2 the child needs someone reliable and nurturing.

It'll be interesting to see what ex does when it's raining. He doesn't like taking ds out if it's wet, and if I don't allow contact at my home then he will behave like I'm being unreasonable.

[laeiou]

Oh and I completely understand how you feel about having ex in your home. I don't think it's good for dd to see you together in this way tbh. I think at this age she'll be aware of how homes work and needs the consistency of mum's house being her and mum, dad's house being her and dad. Mum and dad don't live together.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

I've just sent ex an email basically explaining that although I appreciate he may miss doing the bedtime routine, I have felt much happier with the way we have been doing things over the last week i.e. with doorstep handovers, specific pickup times and him not coming into my home. I told him that I feel happier as I have my home to myself and also that it is the first time in about 2 years that I finally feel like I can move on with my life.

I reiterated that I have no problem with him having access to our DD, the issue is about setting boundaries with regard to where and when that access takes place. I ended suggesting that if he misses the bed time routine perhaps he could consider her staying over at his as these are lines which I would be happy to work along.

[Snorbs]

I think that's excellent. Remember - you're not stopping him from doing the bedtime routine. You're just stopping him doing it in your home. If he chooses to turn down that opportunity then that's his loss.

[laeiou]

I think that's good, but I don't hink you need to justify yourself to him. Any comment that's about you or your feelings is superfluous. Stick to talking about your DD.

Do you think he'll respond tonight?

[laeiou]

Just to be clear - I don't think you should talk about access in terms of what you want or what he wants, just in terms of what's best for your daughter. He no longer gets to know your thoughts and feelings. Just factual stuff. This is what I aim to do myself.

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

Go you! That's fab, really assertive, clear, reasonable etc. I think you got the balance just right. Fingers crossed he 'gets it' and you can get a new routine with your DD staying over at his.

[JemimaPuddlefuck]

He has just got back to me saying that he thinks what I said in my email would be for the best.

He is now asking about how this pans out in terms of visiting his family (who like I explained in a previous message, live a very long distance from the town where we live - it is either a 12 hour drive or a flight from the local airport...). This is the second "biggie" about our access situation that I have been really concerned about. I don't feel comfortable about being so far away from my DD so won't let him take her on his own quite yet (she is almost 2, I think there will be a time in the future when she is older that I will let her go with him without me). I also appreciate that it is important for my DD to have a relationship with her father's side of the family (who although we don't see that often due to said distance, have always been very nice to both me and my DD). Although they are nice, I still feel so awkward and uncomfortable when I stay there because of the boundary issue, not being a couple with ex etc. They also NEVER come down to see us which I think is perfectly doable for them. He is asking about a holiday this summer and also Christmas. I don't know how to play this. I told him in one of my emails this week that I don't know how to deal with this and that I am still thinking about how I want to respond and suggested me renting a holiday apartment near his family and also asked him to have a think about possible solutions.

I'd love to know if anyone has any advice?

[bunchamunchycrunchycarrots]

I was about to ask if you had family/friends in the area you could visit but if you are considering booking accommodation to be close then I'd say that would be a reasonable alternative. I think with your DD do young, then I'd want to be close by in your shoes too. However, you may well find that only one trip is really needed because everything goes well. I think if your ex is as involved and committed as you say, that is half the battle in reaching a point you can be comfortable with the time away. Things like face time or Skype make it easier too.

Hope you reach a compromise.

[laeiou]

Do we have the same ex? I was talked into visiting his family last year and staying at his mum's house. Awful visit. Ex's parents both work in physically active jobs but think we should travel to see them. Entertaining a toddler / naps etc is not their concern.

In your situation - do you think your ex will put your DD's needs first@ Ex wants DS to behave like a model child / performing seal to his family. He would not ask them to change their plans for DS and of course, a toddler needs to eat / sleep / be active / nap / have quiet time on their own schedule.

[laeiou]

The @ should have been a ?