Leaving a good man

[LucyH28]

I was just wondering if anyone here has been in the position of wanting to divorce someone who is a good person. I?ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5, I was 17 when we got together and he?s 10 years older.
Everything was very good in our relationship until he got ED issues around 4 years ago. I was fine with it at first but then it started to impact my self esteem and I felt that it was my fault for being unattractive.
I suggested everything I could to help but he said I just needed to not mention sex so I wasn?t putting pressure on him. I would try this but we would go weeks and even months without him trying to initiate it so I would end up doing it. The sex would be rushed and not pleasurable for me, he tried but I couldn?t relax as I was worried he would lose it. I only had sex with him because I loved him and wanted to feel close to him not because I enjoyed it, I used to love it.

We had always said we would TTC this year so in Feb I came off the pill to get my body ready. I realised in May that we had only had sex once since then and I had no chance of ever getting pregnant. I also realised that I didn?t actually fancy him anymore and I couldn?t be bothered fighting for a rubbish sex life. I told him this, I?ve always been honest about how our sex life was impacting me and how I needed him to find a way to fix it. He got some Viagra, but I didn?t want him to use it now as I?d lost my desire. He also signed us up for counselling with Relate.

I think we?ve left it too long to get help as I don?t see how Relate can make me fancy him or feel in love with him again, I feel like it?s just died. I still love him and he?s my best friend but I don?t think that?s enough for the rest of my life when I?m only 28. I feel now that our sex life has eaten away at all the good stuff we had.

I?ve recently developed really strong feelings for another man which is complicating my head even more. I fancy him like mad and it?s made me feel alive to feel like that again. He?s told me that he finds me attractive and somehow I believe him, I don?t believe my husband when he says it because of the ED. I hardly know this man but it?s a huge deal for me to fancy another man, it?s never happened before in the 11 years.

Am I being stupid for wanting more from a marriage and for thinking of leaving? I know there are so many awful men out there but I just feel too young to settle like this.

Sorry this is so long!

Of course it's not stupid to want more. You committed yourself at a very young age and you are still young. By my calculations he is only 38? It's a bit young for ED issueshas he seen a doctor? It's encouraging that he made the Relate appointmentis that right? Don't assume they can't help--it would probably be a relief for you to talk to a professional. The OM issue is really just going to complicate things, though.

Thanks for replying. He is 38, I know what you mean about it being a bit young for these issues, that's been in the back of my mind. I worry it would just get worse the older he gets and especially if we did have children.
He went to his GP about 3 years ago and told me that his doctor said I was putting too much pressure on him. I wonder now if he even went as that's stupid advice.

He made the appointment, we have to go on our own twice before going together. We were meant to be going through psychosexual therapy but when I told the counselor this week that I have feelings for someone else she said I need a few sessions on my own before we could look at that.

I'm trying to take a break from contacting the OM but it's just making me like him more and it's making me sad. I think I had convinced myself that I should stick at my marriage because no-one else would ever fancy me so this has woken me up a bit.

It's fine to end a relationship that isn't working for you. Whether your H likes it or not, you don't need his permission to leave him.
However, if he's generally a good man, it's as well to be as fair and kind as possible about the way you do it. Relate can sometimes help make a separation amicable.

And it does sound as though he's been perfectly happy to have you there as a housekeeper for quite some time rather than making the effort to address his sexual difficulties ie he has not really cared about your feelings, so he's not a saint.

I think if I were you I would take the chance of a couple of counselling sessions on my own. It can't hurt and could help you sort out what you are feeling without the pressure to "fix" your relationship. Try not to feel guilty over this--easier said than done, I know. Be kind to yourself and your husband.

Quite frankly, I think your husband needs to realise that this qhole issue is very important to you. Dont underplay it with him.

And tell him, in no uncertain terms that he has to put his heart and soul into trying to fix this asap.
And tell him that you also need to trust him that he is indeed trying to fix the problem, if it can be fixed.

Thanks everyone. I feel bad thinking of leaving someone good as quite rightly there's so much pressure to make marriage work and I know many people have worse marriage's than I do and stick with them. However I also know the damage it can do to stick with a bad marriage, I had to grow up in a house with parents who were emotionally and physically abusive to each other.

I guess the thing that makes it hard is how good he's been to me in every other way. He tells me he loves me all the time, kisses and hugs me, brings me flowers for the sake of it, basically does everything right apart from the sex life. I just feel that he should have done so much more to fix the issue especially when he knew there was nothing I could do.

I'll try the counselling on my own for a bit. I just wish it hadn't got to the point where I feel the way I do about someone else. I've been feeling like I'm missing out somehow for a while now and this man just makes me feel even more that way. I feel under pressure to make my mind up as I don't want to waste my husband's time, I feel bad that I've taken 11 years of his life when he could have been with a woman his own ages and probably had children.

Erm.. why do you think YOU are wasting HIS time?

Looks the other way round from here! He has a responsibility to himself, and then to his wife to see what the cause of such early ED is.

If the Dr said that, i'd be very surprised. I'd say he didn't actually go.

This could be blood pressure, it could be disease, or anything, but YOU didn't cause this. That's for sure.

I think I feel that way because I have a bit of a guilt complex issue from my childhood, my first reaction is to blame myself. I did that here by deciding it was to do with my looks. I find it very hard to think about my own feelings as I get so clouded by not wanting to hurt other people.

When I really let myself think about it I feel angry with him for letting it get to the point where I've emotionally distanced myself from the marriage like this. He had a lot of warning from me about how important it was to me and what might happen to us if we didn't fix it.

I agree that he probably didn't go the first time. Sorry I should have added that he did go to a different GP recently which is when he got the Viagra. They ran some blood tests and didn't find anything. Seems like it's a mental issue.

Hiya Lucy,

First sorry to hear this.

Maybe it would be time to say to him that you are that unhappy you are thinking of ending the relationship due to your lack of sex life, and are wanting to move out for a while and think about it.

Either you will do this and realise you feel a massive sense of relief, or you miss him and want to go home, or he will realise how serious this is and how he either changes or you leave him and start again elsewhere.

Cut to five years later, you could be happily with another man having a sex life that satisfies you and he could be with someone having no sex life which satisfies them. Life's too short.

Every man I have wondered I'd I should leave, I have done so and it has been the right thing to have done for me.

Good luck x

Sounds to me like you need to still have that frank talk with him.
Even get angry with him [wouldnt normally recommend this, but the alternative is worse].

Also, he needs to have a frank talk with you.
If it is an emotional rather than a physical thing with him, he needs to speak up, and soon.

talk talk talk

oh, and for goodness sake, dont go round thinking this has anything to do with you not being pretty enough, slim enough, warm enough, housework not good enough, or whatever else your brain is capable of thinking!

Thanks Yamsareyammy, I now know that it's not to do with any of those things but it's taken me a while to realise it. I feel like now I have I'm starting to get my confidence back and want more from a partner. A switch has gone off inside me and I've stopped doing housework, cooking nice meals etc instead I'm going out with friends more, buying nice clothes, things that make me happy and are not about us.

We've talked about it so much over the years. We've talked calmly and we've had big screaming matches at times. Nothing makes any difference. I say how I feel, how it's impacting me, how I'm more hurt that he won't take any action to solve it. He says I don't understand that he has a problem and I make it worse by the way I react to it. I suggest things we can try, he ignores my suggestions and says I need to stop putting pressure on. Sometimes things are better for a while but then it's back again.

I guess the only thing that may help is counselling but now I've fallen for someone else it's making it really hard. I actually told my husband that I have feelings for someone else, I didn't want to hurt him but I wanted him to know how far this issue had gone.

Also I know I should move out it just feels hard. My family moved away a few years ago, I could stay with friends but only short term and they are 45 minutes away which would make getting to work hard. I would have to rent somewhere on my own which feels like such a huge scary step. It also makes me cross as we have a lovely house which I pushed us to get and I have put so much effort into making into a home. I can't ask him to move out when it's me that wants to leave the marriage though.

What was his reaction when you told him about the OM? And how long ago did you tell him?

I dont understand why he thinks he can magically sort this out all by himself.
Is that his general attitude in life? That he can sort things if lsft to his own devices.

For some reason I am getting worked up by this.
I want him to come on here, and I would go through a few things with him.

You are at an impasse tho..... He says yes I have a problem and no, I don't want to do anything about it....

So you can stay, like this, or leave...

Yamsareyammy I'm not pleased that it's annoyed you but it makes me feel better that it's not just me.
I told him about the OM on Wednesday after I had my relate session. He said he was upset but he couldn't be angry with me because he had pushed me into it. He didn't even ask who it was though which I found odd. He said he would beg me to stay if he thought it would help. We are in different bedrooms at the moment, my suggestion, seemed less drastic than moving out.

He is quite laid back about things, he's very driven at work but I have to nag him to do pretty much anything else. I guess it might have been a pride thing that stopped him, it was probably easier to blame me for being pushy and daring to want sex with my husband.

He now thinks the counselling will fix everything whereas I don't have much hope. I don't get how someone else can make me fancy someone I don't fancy anymore. I'm sure most people fancy their husbands less after being with them 11 years even without these issues.

It does come down to stay like this or leave I guess I'm just scared I'm making a mistake and I don't know if I should wait around and try the counselling for a while first.

He is so laid back. argggh

Sounds like he doesnt want to explore any issues, though he has agreed to counselling. He is super reluctant to face things. Silly behaviour.

Have you seen the book men are from mars women are from Venus[havent read it myself[
There is another one. Called something like Why women talk and men walk, or something like that.
One of them talks about how men dont like "talks" because they feel ashamed, embarassed, and guilty.
But he so needs to get over all that and quickly.

I am not sure about the fancying thing. Havent been in that position.
It sounds to me like you have sort of already given up.
I have been married for 25 years. The fancying goes up and down imo!
I once heard it described as a pendulum. And in a relationship the pendulum swings towards each other, away from each other, towards each other etc. Sounds about right to me.

There was mention earlier of TTC. Please tell us you are not going to bring children into this. Sorry to sound harsh, but even without much sex it can happen!

I can understand the comment but I would never bring children into this. We used protection the last time we had sex as I had only just come off the pill and wanted to give my body a chance. I'm back on it now. After my childhood experiences I wouldn't bring children into something this unhappy. I hadn't fully realised how unhappy I was until this year.
I read men are from mars in my teens probably worth a try again now.
I think you are right about attraction coming and going. I think that's how I felt before. This is a small part of the issue but he does have quite poor personal hygiene too which has become more of an issue to me as I've started to fancy him less. Now it makes me feel quite ill that he has to be nagged to brush his teeth, I don't want to give him oral sex unless he's had a shower as he's not clean down there. I've discussed this at length with him too and it only changes for a short while.

He is beginning to sound lazy in some respects.
I am struggling to reconcile that with you saying he is driven at work.

Is he still willing to try the viagra? Are you still willing to give it a go yourself?

Other questions.
You dont think he is gay, do you?
Might he be depressed?
What was his parents marriage like.

Dont answer any of that if you dont want to.

He's still willing to try it but it does seem like he would rather the counselling fixed the problem some how. I know what you mean about him being driven at work. I think he's good at things when he applies himself but doesn't always realise what needs doing and does think some things will sort themselves out.
I don't think he's gay, I'm the only person he's ever slept with so he was obviously a virgin until a reasonably late age. However he had a obsessive porn addiction when we first got together and that was all women.
His parents split when he was young, both remarried and started new families.

Personally I would give the viagra a try, but this is not my relationship.

Porn. Dont really know anything about it.
Dont think it is good for any relationship. Dont know if that has any bearing on all of this or not.

I wouldn't give viagra a try!

If he can't be bothered to brush his teeth, doesn't wash before the little sex he does have and makes no effort at all to have sex, I'd think, shit I'm 28, I'm getting out of here and find myself someone I can have a good time with!

Nice is good, but nice with a sex drive and clean teeth is infinitely better.

I probably need to I just don't feel attracted to him, I would rather sleep with the OM which is awful.
He stopped using it but it took a lot of fights and tears from me, this was about 7 years ago before we were married.