Leaving a good man

[LucyH28]

I was just wondering if anyone here has been in the position of wanting to divorce someone who is a good person. I?ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5, I was 17 when we got together and he?s 10 years older.
Everything was very good in our relationship until he got ED issues around 4 years ago. I was fine with it at first but then it started to impact my self esteem and I felt that it was my fault for being unattractive.
I suggested everything I could to help but he said I just needed to not mention sex so I wasn?t putting pressure on him. I would try this but we would go weeks and even months without him trying to initiate it so I would end up doing it. The sex would be rushed and not pleasurable for me, he tried but I couldn?t relax as I was worried he would lose it. I only had sex with him because I loved him and wanted to feel close to him not because I enjoyed it, I used to love it.

We had always said we would TTC this year so in Feb I came off the pill to get my body ready. I realised in May that we had only had sex once since then and I had no chance of ever getting pregnant. I also realised that I didn?t actually fancy him anymore and I couldn?t be bothered fighting for a rubbish sex life. I told him this, I?ve always been honest about how our sex life was impacting me and how I needed him to find a way to fix it. He got some Viagra, but I didn?t want him to use it now as I?d lost my desire. He also signed us up for counselling with Relate.

I think we?ve left it too long to get help as I don?t see how Relate can make me fancy him or feel in love with him again, I feel like it?s just died. I still love him and he?s my best friend but I don?t think that?s enough for the rest of my life when I?m only 28. I feel now that our sex life has eaten away at all the good stuff we had.

I?ve recently developed really strong feelings for another man which is complicating my head even more. I fancy him like mad and it?s made me feel alive to feel like that again. He?s told me that he finds me attractive and somehow I believe him, I don?t believe my husband when he says it because of the ED. I hardly know this man but it?s a huge deal for me to fancy another man, it?s never happened before in the 11 years.

Am I being stupid for wanting more from a marriage and for thinking of leaving? I know there are so many awful men out there but I just feel too young to settle like this.

Sorry this is so long!

Ok as someone with some experience of a similar situation I say, leave now as kindly as you can. Do not contemplate children with your husband. In 10 years time I think that nothing will have improved, children will make a split so much harder and you will be much more bitter and angry. His personality does not sound at all as if he can change his sexual drive.

What the OM says in his text is in effect, 'stick with a situation that makes you unhappy'?

Big of him that. If any person with a real grasp on love went to a wedding, they'd know, watching all the happiness of the bride and groom, the hopes and dreams of the happy couple, that THIS is what your marriage is lacking, so that you ought to NOT waste any time on someone not committed to solving what could very well be a simple issue.

It's also saying that OM has cold feet, that he doesn't want a relationship, well not a committed one anyway.

It could of course be reverse psychology, so that you rebel against his pronouncement and run from the marriage, into his bed.

A decent man wouldn't reveal feelings one way or the other, he'd be a friend and support you without question, or expectation.

OM is a wolf in fluffy wuffy little lamb clothing.

Bin him.

Focus on you.

Perhaps you thought as your H had no sexual past that he'd not have any ishoos, baggage or hang ups?

That's usually not the case. When a man has not had any sex until a relatively advanced age, there is a reason.

You can't fix him. Only he can do that. Perpetuating a marie celeste of a marriage will mean he never needs to change.

You'd be the collateral damage in all that.

I think at 17 I just thought it made things special and kind of romantic. Now at 28 I think it's a bit weird. I wish I had picked someone with a bit more experience but it's easy for me to say that now.

OM has been single for a while after a bad break up. I think he has forgotten how sad and lonely you can be whilst in a relationship and just thinks I'm lucky because my husband claims to love me so much.

I know now that I can't fix my husband. I just have to decide if I can put my own happiness on hold and wait around a bit longer to see if counselling works for him.

Yes, I think your final paragraph is the place that you are now at.
I hope the counselling works.

Just want to say good luck. You are still very young and have the opportunity to talk it all out in therapyit will help. I think there are often breakups where there is no real "blame"it just doesn't work out for very compelling reasons. If you look back on this thread it kind of gets sadder and more honest as it unfolds--that means you are getting to the heart of it. All the best.

Thanks Lovemynailstoday and thanks to everyone who posted, it's really helped. I'm going to try the counselling and to try to stop beating myself up for feeling the way I do about it all. The responses have helped show me that I'm right to think that I'm missing a big part of my marriage. There's no point kidding myself otherwise anymore.

You don't owe your H a continuing relationship if you want out. It's OK to leave.
YOur H is sounding didgier with every post BTW. Lazy, selfish, crap with money and manipulative... you can do better than that. Being single is better than that.

It does worry me that I've managed to make him sound so bad without meaning to. I guess that in itself says something about how I'm feeling. I've always viewed him as a kind loving patient person before the sex issue ate away at things.
I feel so bad after our argument at the weekend that I'm trying to soldier on with things with him while we go through the counselling. It just feels like such a long process and I'm struggling to bury my feelings for the OM