Leaving a good man

[LucyH28]

I was just wondering if anyone here has been in the position of wanting to divorce someone who is a good person. I?ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 5, I was 17 when we got together and he?s 10 years older.
Everything was very good in our relationship until he got ED issues around 4 years ago. I was fine with it at first but then it started to impact my self esteem and I felt that it was my fault for being unattractive.
I suggested everything I could to help but he said I just needed to not mention sex so I wasn?t putting pressure on him. I would try this but we would go weeks and even months without him trying to initiate it so I would end up doing it. The sex would be rushed and not pleasurable for me, he tried but I couldn?t relax as I was worried he would lose it. I only had sex with him because I loved him and wanted to feel close to him not because I enjoyed it, I used to love it.

We had always said we would TTC this year so in Feb I came off the pill to get my body ready. I realised in May that we had only had sex once since then and I had no chance of ever getting pregnant. I also realised that I didn?t actually fancy him anymore and I couldn?t be bothered fighting for a rubbish sex life. I told him this, I?ve always been honest about how our sex life was impacting me and how I needed him to find a way to fix it. He got some Viagra, but I didn?t want him to use it now as I?d lost my desire. He also signed us up for counselling with Relate.

I think we?ve left it too long to get help as I don?t see how Relate can make me fancy him or feel in love with him again, I feel like it?s just died. I still love him and he?s my best friend but I don?t think that?s enough for the rest of my life when I?m only 28. I feel now that our sex life has eaten away at all the good stuff we had.

I?ve recently developed really strong feelings for another man which is complicating my head even more. I fancy him like mad and it?s made me feel alive to feel like that again. He?s told me that he finds me attractive and somehow I believe him, I don?t believe my husband when he says it because of the ED. I hardly know this man but it?s a huge deal for me to fancy another man, it?s never happened before in the 11 years.

Am I being stupid for wanting more from a marriage and for thinking of leaving? I know there are so many awful men out there but I just feel too young to settle like this.

Sorry this is so long!

I think you need to write him a long list of your requirements regarding sex, and anything else. Including that they are things that need to be continued long term.
The ball [sorry about pun] needs to be firmly in his court.
[watched too much wimbledon I think]

I think that could help but I guess only if he sorts the ED issues out as I'm sure my list would count as too much pressure in his mind.

To my mind, your marriage sounds like it is in the last chance saloon.
Goodness knows why I am full of cliches on here.

Definitely put the ED requirements on the list. Put everything that you need, on the list.

I am afraid, that he cant hide behind "pressure" any more.

It sounds like he is happy without a sex life. I was in the same position as you but my X wouldn't discuss why we weren't having sex any more. He just said we were "out of the habit". I wondered if it was my fault. He was good and kind and affectionate but just not interested in sex. In the end I decided I wanted to be with someone who wanted to have sex with me. For me, that's the difference between a friendship and a marriage. We did go to Relate but I'd given up by then and it really only gave me permission to leave. You're young enough to find someone who makes you happy in all aspects of life, if you choose to.

PS He's not good if he's ignoring a problem that is making you unhappy.

Last chance saloon that made me laugh. I'll write the list out maybe for my own benefit would be good to think about what I want. I think he's hiding behind the counselling now.

Thanks giveityourbestshot it helps to hear of someone else in a similar situation. I kind of wish he would just say he wasn't interested in sex instead of saying he wants and fancies me but his body doesn't work. It makes it worse as it makes me feel bad for wanting more when he has an issue like this. Really he should just find a way to fix it or admit he doesn't want me.

He sounds quite selfish - there are other ways he could please you! It's not all about the cock...

That part is my fault, he tries but I don't feel turned on enough when he clearly isn't. I can't really describe it but when I can see that he's not excited it makes me feel unattractive and I know I won't be able to get anywhere from foreplay. The atmosphere just doesn't make me feel that way.

Came home tonight and had a massive fight, he punched the wall and the stairs, that's not him at all. I had been at a friends tonight then went for a long drive so I felt ok when I came home. When I walked in he told me that he was taking out a loan for his brother. Over the past 5 years we have both worked really hard to clear £30K of his debt including me giving him £10k to clear a loan so we could get a mortgage together. It's been a massive thing hanging over us for years and was a huge deal when he became debt free last summer. For him to even think about doing that to me when things are as they are is appalling. I told him how angry I was, he screamed at me and stormed out, I calmly took my wedding ring off and went to bed.

He then punched things, nowhere near me thankfully! Then proceeded to apologise, make me feel awful for how I feel and how I'm being with him and then beg me to stay in our marriage. I told him all I can do is the counselling. I've been trying so hard to hold things together but I've now cried my heart out for the last hour and I feel so low. If he ever behaves like that again I'm out.

Honestly?

I reckon it's gone past viagra and sex therapy. That might have worked in the past I guess, but it's too late now.

Your head, your heart and your sexual organs are elsewhere now and I can't see what would shift them back to being interested in a bloke who doesn't want sex and is a stranger to a toothbrush and some shower gel.

As you've mentioned his old porn addiction, my guess would be that he prefers his right hand to sex with a real-life person. It's not uncommon at all for men to have ED when they've got a porn addiction. Real life women just don't hit the spot any more.

None of that's your fault. He sounds very, very selfish.

You sound as though you're brimming with integrity and I think it was a wise move to tell him about this other bloke.

But if you think there's even a chance of working on your marriage, the OM's got to go. All the time he's in the picture, your husband won't stand a chance. Be a bit sceptical about this OM too incidentally. He knows you're married and yet he's making a play for you. Don't confuse lust on his part for love or genuine friendship. A decent bloke who cared about you would step aside and wait for you to sort out what happens next in your marriage, not try to get you to have a sexual affair on the side.

You might decide that at this stage, it's pointless paying out for expensive therapy and spending hours at counselling, because this is never going to get much better and you're never going to be able to recapture any lust for your husband. You might also feel that he'll go through the motions, promise the earth and then just slip back to old habits once the danger has passed.

Finally, never feel guilty for wanting a sex life. It's what you both signed up to when you got married and it's an entirely reasonable human desire.

X posted. Are you sure you feel safe being with him there tonight?

Are you sure we are not married to the same person? Apart from the porn and separated parents they could be twins!!!

Im 41, not had sex for 5 years (as I will no longer initiate) and still making excuses for him.

Please do not have children with him as then you'll stay for them, as I have.

Only now am I reaching the end of my tether but it seems sooooo scary out there.

Never leave to find someone new though, you need to be happy with yourself first.

I'm just waiting for the 'right time' to have the conversation. We are past counselling. I don't believe you can fix something that was never right in the first place.

Good luck!

I think he's got enough self control to never hurt me and he's calmed down and gone to bed now so I feel safe. Thank you for asking though.

I haven't spoke to the OM since Thursday and I asked him not to contact me so I could have some space. I wish he did seem like he was just trying to get me into bed but he doesn't and that's making it harder. He has said he wants to be with me but he wants me to be on my own first so it's not a rebound thing. He's told me that he thinks I could patch things up with my husband as it's just one area that's wrong. He keeps telling me not to worry about him and his feelings and that he just wants me to be happy and wants to be my friend if I sort things out with my husband. He seems like an incredibly decent guy but I know I have to step away if I want my marriage to work, no matter how much it hurts.

Thanks for saying not to feel guilty about wanting a sex life, I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I think it probably is over but I don't know if I'm going to regret it forever if I don't try the counselling. He's paying for it so at least I'm not wasting money on it. I feel so rubbish after seeing him like that tonight, seeing someone you care about begging you not to give up is horrendous.

Are you sure it's just one area that's wrong?...punching stuff? Taking out a loan for his family when you've worked hard to be debt free? These don't sound good.

Going against the grain here but if you're doing the counselling then it's time to properly try it and not just pay lip service & show up.

Relate can do wonders-neither of you are free of blame here as you've coasted Along without facing up to the problem. I'm not saying you need to feel guilty about it, we all do it as its easier to avoid problems but if you want even a chance of saving your marriage you need to try to be civil & really make an effort to listen to the experts & communicate with each other honestly.

If it's still no good after an honest attempt, then you can separate on better terms and hold your head high.

Good luck-it's an awfully hard time x

I might be out of line here and a hundred posters will turn up to say they got together with an older bloke when they were 17 and have just celebrated their golden wedding, but I think it was a little weird that a 27 year old man was interested in a 17 year old girl and was also still a virgin at that age. I'm wondering whether some hang-ups about sex pre-dated you a bit? Or whether the porn stuff was all about young girls and as soon as you started to look and act more like a grown woman, he lost interest?

Like the most recent posts, it doesn't look like sex is the only issue, by a long stretch. If completely uncharacteristic and a one-off, the outburst tonight may have come from a position of helplessness and fear, but somethig tells me this isn't the first time he's hit out at inanimate objects and anyway, it's bloody frightening to be in the same space as someone who's doing that. But there's the secret loan and what sounds like grim personal hygiene. I get the feeling there are many more selfish traits that you could recall.

What exactly has gone on with the OM? You say he's told you he finds you attractive and it's given you a boost to have someone fancy you who you fancy back. So this isn't friendship is it? There's a sexual motivation there, however much he's affecting to be the caring, sharing listener and supporter who's placing no demands on you. I know you think he's a good bloke, but if he's got half a loaf he'll have worked out that with a woman like you, the way to your affections is to be the embodiment of Reconstructed Man and not to show even a hint of being the sort of bloke who's just interested in a roll in the hay. Some predatory types (of both sexes) play a good game and work out very quickly which strategy is most efficient at achieving results.

You'll probably think I'm a cynical old boot (I've called myself that twice tonight on threads!) but I take a fairly dim view of men or women who try to be the all-listening-ears to married women or men they want to sleep with. It's a bit vulture-disguised-as-a-fluffy-bunny for my liking.

There was just one major thing wrong with our relationship but for me the sex life issues have eaten away at everything else. I was genuinely very happy with him, there wasn't a doubt in my mind when I married him.
He's never punched anything before, he's usually very calm and patient, I'm the firey one. I sometimes wish he had a bit more fire in him. I guess he got like that last night because he feels so helpless and hurt.
I don't think his issues are because I've grown up but I can see the logic of that view. I also think the OM is genuine,I have pretty good instincts about people which rarely let me down. However it doesn't matter as I can't have him in my life unless I leave my marriage. After last night and seeing my husband like that I don't know that I can. I feel incredibly low after seeing him like that. I'll have to push on with the counselling as I don't think I'm strong enough to break his heart by leaving at the moment.

Leaving him won't break his heart! Staying will destroy BOTH yourr souls.

Oh, and a man that sits in the wings while a married woman's marriage is having trouble is NOT a decent bloke.

You are vulnerable atm, and your radar will be off. This bloke senses a shag in thé offing, and a grateful one at that'll. It's no different to the blokes that sniff about women who have just had thei marriage tank. They assume she's not had it for a while, so'll be desperate for it.

The OM is perhaps a catalyst, but he's certainly not a friend of your marriage, and not actually a decent friend to you.

Dont feel guilty about wanting sex in a marriage.

I think he is punching things now, as he knows that he is in danger of losing you.
Plus I would have thought he has some anger towards the OM, even though he has not verbalised it yet.

Is his brother really really in need of the loan?

All in all, and I could be wrong, I think he loves you. But he has probably run away from his feelings for a long time.
And he knows he may have to face the, and deal with them. And he is very scared of that.

You can't save a marriage alone. Apart from begging, what else is he doing to work through the problems?

He's just trying to give me space as I asked him to. I think he would do anything I asked him to now but I don't know what he could do. We could try and push through it, do nice things as a couple etc but it wouldn't fix the sex issue or at least it wouldn't fix it for very long.

His brother probably does need the loan but it's not our responsibility. He also ran up around £30k worth of debt and keeps getting himself into a mess with it. I have no real sympathy for him or my husband for getting into debt, they both got there just by being stupid and buying whatever they wanted. My husband's debt held us back for a long time and made it really hard to get a house together. He hasn't taken the loan out but for him to even consider doing it made me so angry.

I can understand your anger about the loan. It is not really on.

Does your husband think things through to the end.
He seems to be doing, do now, think later or deal with later , behaviour.

I dont know much about counselling.
But I wonder if he thinks everything will become magically right with it, and he wont have to do any or much emotional work.

I don't think I know much about counselling either. I know it works for some people but as someone who just says what I think and doesn't hold anything in I don't get how it would help me. Maybe it would help him more.

I don't know what he thinks anymore. I've never understood how he could not do anything to sort this out and think it would all be ok somehow.

OM has contacted me to say that he went to a wedding yesterday and it's made him realise I should try 100% to save my marriage. That I'll always be special to him but that he needs to leave me to sort things out. I know he's right but it makes me so sad.

I think your husband is trying his best to bury his head in the sand.
The other book I talked about, apart from the one you already have, explains about that.