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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

18, 8 weeks pregnant, boyfriends left me.

38 replies

Holly94 · 27/06/2013 19:52

Title says it all really.
He's 3 years older than me and I thought we were so happy. Baby was unplanned and a shock but very much wanted.
I had a shit start to my pregnancy with a suspected ectopic (thankfully it wasn't) and the discovery of 2 ovarian cysts.
Over the last few days we've not been getting on very well. Ive had really had morning sickness and feel rubbish all the time so I admit I haven't been as nice as I could have been :(
But now he's left me and says he can't be with me and he's seen my true colours. He says it's over and we'll sort out contact etc. what do I do now?
I'm 18 and I imagined my life being so different. Now I'm going to be a single teenage parent.

OP posts:

ToTheTeeth · 27/06/2013 20:03

The baby was unplanned. Are you really sure it's wanted? You do have options. It depresses me when women start threads like this and forget that.

NoRainNoRainbow · 27/06/2013 20:04

Hi, I'm sorry,

Do you have any family support? Are you working, at college or uni? What do you want to do?

coffeewineandchocolate · 27/06/2013 20:08

I think it's lucky you found out now. if he struggles to cope with you feeling rubbish with morning sickness, there is no way he will cope with the stresses having a baby brings, with the added difficulties of sleep deprivation.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to? Are you aware of any groups/services on your area who could support you?

sarahjaye · 27/06/2013 20:10

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy, you mentioned it was much wanted. Do you have family and friends close by that are supportive? Your boyfriend sounds rather weak if he's bailed on you after only 8 weeks of pregnancy, at a time when your body, hormones and emotions are probably all over the place anyway. If he can't cope now, at this early stage, what would he be like after a few sleepless nights, illness and all the other stuff?

You may not think it right now, but you're probably well shot of someone like this. You must be very upset and hurt, but seek RL support from those around you and make plans for yourself and your baby's future without him.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 27/06/2013 20:11

Totheteeth is a bit right. But I'm sure you have considered the options.

OP, grown ups don't leave their pregnant partners after a few days of rows. That suggests he isn't a real grown up yet. How long have you been together? Do you really know him like you think you do?

Original poster

Holly94 · 27/06/2013 20:11

ToTheTeeth I couldn't possibly get rid of it. It's my baby and my responsibility to look after it. I had an early scan and I saw it there with its heartbeat and there's no way I could forgive myself if I got rid of it.

NoRain, I've just finished my A-levels and am currently working full time as I was having a year out to save up before uni. I'm still wanting to uni next September when the baby is about 9 months old.

OP posts:

Original poster

Holly94 · 27/06/2013 20:17

Ehric a year. I thought I did but maybe I don't. Looking back over the relationship everything always seems to be my fault and I always end up pandering to him. Why couldn't I see that earlier?

OP posts:

Mabelface · 27/06/2013 20:19

Congratulations. Your life hasn't fallen through and you can still make a success of it with a baby. As for the father, well, better to be single than end up living with someone who's going to be a waste of space. Give yourself a bit of time to heal, then onward and upwards, you'll be fine. xx

RhondaJean · 27/06/2013 20:22

Hiya holly

Congratulations.

I'm sure you are in shock just now but I just wanted to tell you about my best friend who 15 years ago was almost exactly where you are right now, except she was only 17.

Today she has a lovely 14 yo daughter, a good job, a beautiful house and is one of the best parents I know. Her daughters father sadly ended up not being part of her life at all after a few years and I know she feels bad about that (not her choice) but she's made a fantastic success of the whole thing.

You are young, but it doesn't mean you can't be a fantastic parent too, and have a fantastic life. It may not be easy but you have found MN- lots of support and advice here.

Good luck.

NoRainNoRainbow · 27/06/2013 20:22

Ok, he's a waste of space. Forget him, he's shown his true colours as a useless wankstain. Do not contact him.

How are your family? You will need them

I had a baby at 18, I'm on my own but the support of my family has been so important and needed, I don't think I would of been able to do it without them.

He's 5.5 now, I have my own home and earn the most out of all my friends out hard work and determination.

You can do it, but it will be hard. Can you defer your uni place for a year? Is it a uni close to your home? Where will you live?

Iheartcrunchiebars · 27/06/2013 20:30

Make sure you ask the uni about the support they can offer. A friend of mine had loads of help with accommodation and child care to help her through her studies. Best of luck.

girliefriend · 27/06/2013 20:40

One of my closest friends was in exactly the same situation you 15 years ago. Her boyfriend turned very nasty and disappeared, she kept her son, found a lovely man, trained to be a nurse, got married and had another baby.

Her little boy is now going off to college and is one of the nicest lads I have ever met

It can be done, you will never regret keeping your baby (even when they are screaming their heads off in the middle of the night )

What support have you got? Will your parents support you?

scarlettsmummy2 · 27/06/2013 20:46

Hi Holly, just wanted to say best of luck. You sound really mature and it's great that you already have the option of uni. What have you planned to study?

There will be lots of support out there if you look for it, both financial and with other young mum groups. One of my good friends had a baby at 18 on her own and 13 years later now also has her own home and a great job. Just stay really positive and get a good support network built up.

And don't worry about the dickhead ex- it will be his loss! X

99problems · 27/06/2013 20:47

Wow this could have been me writing 5 years ago! Pregnant at 18 (found out I was 5 weeks pregnant 5 weeks into my uni course!). My pregnancy wasn't planned, my long-term boyfriend left me but I decided after much heartbreak to continue with the pregnancy (after they suspected ectopic!) And it was the best thing I ever did.

Fast forward I am 23, ds is 5. I graduated with a 1st from uni (I was fortunate enough to have family support and understanding lecturers, but know girls who have done it without).

My ds' dad didn't have much to do with me during the pregnancy but has monthly contact with ds. Be kind to yourself, I developed a panic disorder in my pregnancy due to ex leaving when it really was a special time that I shouldn't have let him ruin. Focus on the baby, take each day, hour, minute at a time at first.

Life will be different, but not worse! I see it like this - I will be free to do as I please when I'm 40. I have a wonderful long-term boyfriend who adores ds, loads of friends with and without their own children (mainly without but they all love ds as he is the only child many of them come across so he is somewhat of a 'novelty'!). Do you have a supportive family?

Original poster

Holly94 · 27/06/2013 20:52

Thank you everyone for your lovely supportive comments. I do have a good support network so I'm lucky in that respect. I also know his family will never turn their back on me and this child.
I had originally planned to study Spanish and Chinese but think that may be a little bit too ambitious now with a small child so maybe will study English instead.
I'm just a bit worried about all the stress do you think it will have harmed my baby or cause a miscarriage? :(

OP posts:

99problems · 27/06/2013 20:55

Would that involve living abroad? I was studying French but it involved a year abroad so switched degree.

No I doubt you have harmed the baby, I asked the doc the same question (was having panic attacks every day) and he said baby would be fine. Make sure you are taking vitamins, folic acid etc. Eat as best you can. Look after yourself and the baby and take it easy. Honestly the most important thing is having a good support network and it sounds as though you are very fortunate to have that!

ITCouldBeWorse · 27/06/2013 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Holly94 · 27/06/2013 21:01

Yeah a year in Beijing. Doesn't sound too do-able with an 18 month old child so think we'd best off giving that one a miss ;)

What degree did you switch to? I did Spanish and French at A-level and although I loved Spanish, I just didn't really 'click' with French in the same way.

Thank you itcouldbeworse xx

OP posts:

looseleaf · 27/06/2013 21:06

Do be ambitious! A friend of mine who teaches once told me some of her students who were pregnant worked much the hardest as they had a really good reason to want to do well and something to work for. Wishing you really well and congratulations

looseleaf · 27/06/2013 21:08

Would you have family support here presumably that uou wouldn't in Beijing ? As I guess that indeed would be important. Though it would be a great start for your DC to become bilingual!

99problems · 27/06/2013 21:11

I studied graphic design in the end, but am about to start training to be a primary teaching specialising in French which I'm so excited about - only an A-level in the language required and I get to build it into my career (something I never dreamed I would be able to do!). Nothing stopping you spending time in Spain when baby is a little older!

I found uni really interesting being a mum too, people were always very surprised to find out I have a child, often not believing me until I showed them the photo of him on my phone! I was the only person on my course with a kid so as I said everyone was really interested and loved it if I ever brought him into uni before/after he'd been at nursery.

I have since met a few other mums from different course and 1 is setting up a society to meet other young mums.

I thought my life was ruined when I found out I was pregnant, thought I would never be able to get another boyfriend or go to uni or meet new people. My son has opened a lot of doors (lots of financial support for mums going to uni for eg), things have turned out really well. You must be really scared but it's totally doable! Do you have a specific uni in mind? I went to a small one which was nice as you know everybody and the lecturers really care about each student.

Original poster

Holly94 · 27/06/2013 21:13

No family support there unfortunately. It would essentially be 8 months studying in a Chinese university and I don't think I'd feel comfortable leaving my child in whatever childcare they have as it's not my first language.

OP posts:

YoniBottsBumgina · 27/06/2013 21:17

I don't know anything about Chinese childcare options so I understand your reluctance on that point (although it doesn't preclude you from researching), but it would be fantastic for the child - 18 months and just picking up words, even if you only stayed a year they would be pretty much bilingual from that early age by speaking Chinese at nursery and English with you!

juneau · 27/06/2013 21:22

I totally understand you wanting to ditch the Chinese, given the circumstances, but Spanish still should be doable. An English degree doesn't qualify you to do much - it's an interesting degree - but something with practical application (including a foreign language like Spanish to degree level), will serve you much better in the tough job market that currently exists.

Tubemole1 · 27/06/2013 21:46

Just lurking, and agreeing with other MNers.

I am guessing you feel its the end of the world but I would say lean on friends, family, and outside organisations for help. Google Gingerbread who are a charity that supports lone parents. Also CSA, and poss legal advice for rights around family matters (father's rights and contact if he wants it).

Regarding your education, well done for deciding to continue! With the right support you will be the mummy your child can be proud of!

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