I don't want a huge blow up with H over this, so need opinions please

[Loutwenty]

I don't know where to start really. This is long, sorry, I am just so confused at the moment.

Been with dh for 2 1/2 years, married for just over 1. We got together quite fast as I was having a terrible relationship breakdown with exh, so we moved in together after only 6 months. I had been married 12 years but living separate lives for 10 of them. I have a 10 year old child from that marriage.

I don't work, but I study full time. DH works, but in a job he hates, he did a stupid uni course as a mature student at 25, graduated shortly after we moved in together and couldn't find the mystical job that he hankered after (the route he took isn't a route into them anyway iyswim). So now he has a boring, normal job and is not a rock star like he spent his early 20s thinking he'd be, this is apparently, my fault as now he has responsibilities

I was a sahm during my first marriage, my ex worked abroad during the week and we lived in rural scotland, so I kind of had to be! I married young too, so never had much work experience, aside from a bit of freelance stuff pre 20, so when I left, I was floundering.

Last sept I started college and I have totally found myself. I have studied a subject I love, so much so that I have excelled and done a couple of further courses myself and at my own expense to further my knowledge.

However, I am at a crossroads at the moment where in order to continue I can do a degree. My father and ex always told me I was thick. My father said I was so stupid that there was no point in staying at school post 16, and my ex was very successful and talked down to me always. Since studying, I know that's not true. I have passed with all distinctions, my tutors have been behind me all the way and are pushing me to skip a level and go to a degree.

Ok so two issues!

1. I study hard. Really, really hard, not only with the course I have been doing, but with the additional courses I have taken on. I have a criminal law level 3 qualification to complete over the summer, it is not easy. But yet, because I am in the house more, doing 'nothing' (!) as he says, all house work falls to me. He does not lift a finger. He will 'help' wash up a couple of times a week, but he lets me firmly know he is 'helping' me and expects full on, falling to my knees gratitude.

I make him breakfast in bed every morning, regardless of if I am leaving half an hour earlier than him to get to college, I run his bath, wash his hair. All this for an easy life or he sulks. I am not well today and stressed. So I didn't get out of bed before him as usual. He usually has to start getting dressed at 7.50, by 7.30 he was already huffing as I hadn't got up to get his breakfast and coffee. 7.40 ds comes in with his cereal - a 10 year old puts him to shame lol - so I get up, feed the cats and stupidly make his breakfast as I couldn't face a strop. He could tell I was upset, so asks why (but not in a concerned way, he gets pissed off at me when I am upset) so I tell him, just for once, I am fed up of the morning waitress service. So then he says, well, I wan't hungry anyway and throws a strop that he won't be able to drink his coffee, it will be too hot.

He has his dinner cooked and ready for when he walks through the door as well, regardless of if I am eating or not. My first husband was a shit, but he never, ever expected anyone to cook and clean up after him, so I have never experienced this before. Is this normal? I feel like a housekeeper, I hate it. I know he works, but really, to do nothing in your own home? when I talk to him, he says to tell him what needs doing and he will. But a) He is not a teenager and I am not his mother b) this is his home too, I am not the boss of cleaning and c) he gets in such a mood if I do ask him to do anything. He'll do it, but it's not worth the sulking afterwards.

When I talk to him about it, he gets angry and tells me to stop acting like I have a hard life.

2. With regard to study, I have been offered an amazing chance to do a degree I will love. But I will have to commit to three years, hard wok with pretty full on work placements. We want another child. I have had several MC, so I can't wait any longer, certainly not 3 or 4 years, I am 34. So I am looking into OU degrees as they will be more compatible.

DH isnt happy about any of this. He says he will support me, but this week keeps throwing hissy fits, about how much he hates his job, how it's not fair and I can't complain as at least I am doing something I want to do. It's not my fault that, by his own admission, he did a degree which would basically buy him 3 more years 'free' drinking time' in his mid 20's. It is also not my fault that I have turned out to be more intelligent than people thought I was.

And I know that if I do OU, I will get the 'I got to work!' card thrown at me and I will be doing all the house, studying and looking after a baby on my own.

I am confused and I don't know what to do for the best, or, if I want to stay with him at all at the moment.

I had to stop after "I wash his hair". I havent read the rest of your post.

Run. Run for the fucking hills.

Jesus, what a mess. OK Lou, try and cut away all the ''but what about DS, etc etc'' stuff, keep your mind blank and ask yourself: do you fully want to leave this man?

If you want an idea of normal, here's what we do. I work part-time, term time, DH works full time. We have two dss, 12 and 10.

In the morning, DH gets up first as he has to leave first. He empties dishwasher and starts getting breakfast ready. When I get downstairs I join in and kids do to.

Everyone makes their own packed lunches.

I cook dinner most nights and it's usually ready sometime soon after he gets home, but not on the table when he arrives.

I do most of the housework, laundry, shopping and cleaning, etc, but he pitches in if I need him to/ask. If he sees stuff needs doing he does it. We do household admin together or he does some, I do some. It's a team, not a competition to see who can do more/less.

If your DH is so unhappy in his job he should look for another one, not use it as a stick to beat you with. Sounds like he was brought up by a mother who did everything for him? Don't let your son end up the same way by seeing this example.

Quite seriously I know a man with cerebral palsy (wheelchair bound but can crawl upstairs etc) who does more for himself than your DH. And he works longer hours. And he cooks for his wife.

He is being hurt though. Staying in this toxic relationship, he is being shown that this is normal and it isn't.

You asked how things worked in other people's homes. Well my situation is that I'm a sahm and my husband works full time. I do do the lions share of the housework and cooking, he does all the household admin/car stuff/gardening. However I am not studying full time like you are though so I have the time to take on more than him when it comes to household chores. And he certainly doesn't expect me to do it or complain if I've not done any because I've been busy with our daughter, or just plain couldn't be bothered! We are a partnership, and we pull our weight in different ways, appreciate what the other does, and ultimately will both take up the slack when needed to help the other out.

I have read your OP and all the comments and keep coming back to one point YOU FECKING WASH HIS HAIR. . .

I mean really? Seriously?

Do you really want your child seeing this as a normal relationship???

What is normal, very few of us can claim our normal is everyone's normal.
But pandering to a manchild like this is most definitely not normal.

Do not have a baby with this man! I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages, how awful for you.

You know you are living in an abusive and unsustainable relationship. It's really really hard but you need to start thinking of how things can change for you.

Lou, imagine 50 years from now your OP on your tombstone. Is that really what you want your life to have amounted to? 50 years spent washing some abusive ...'s hair for him?

I am very sorry for your MC.

Could you access counselling just for you?

You have been in an abusive relationship before and there is a lot going on in the current one.

Reading your OP, it made me think that you have become a mother for him rather than a partner. It is the wrong dynamic. But I do not know how to break it. It also means he may quickly come to resent losing his place to a real baby.

I wonder if the desired baby is actually your desire to be unconditionally loved. A counsellor could entangle this with you maybe. I agree you have many more years at any rate. I would address the relationship before the baby.

As for how other couples manage, I am a SAHP and DH works very long hours. I do the DCs, cooking, online food shopping, laundry (no ironing)' house chores, but frankly cleaning is bottom of my list but DH does not mind. Once in a while DH cleans tricky places: high, hard to reach, moving furniture. He does the DIY, an occasional Saturday food shop, takes DCs to weekend activities, bike repairs, hangs the wash if it needs doing, gardening (balcony - we area flat dwellers), generally helping where he can...

Does he ever wash your hair, out of interest?

Different couples have different dynamics, it's difficult to say that X is right and Y is wrong. But this just seems ridiculous.

Expecting a cooked breakfast every morning makes him look like he's stuck in the 1950s. Expecting you to wash his hair makes him look like he's 4.

One thing you could do is sit down and ask him if he honestly thinks it's a good idea, your going to college and getting a degree. Make out that you're conflicted and scared about it (it might not take much acting) - how he answers that if he thinks it's not a test will speak volumes. A good husband should support you do to something to 'better' yourself, stretch yourself and be all you can be.

I think he's going to come up with lots of reasons why it's actually not a good idea, though. Including you having less time to pander to his every whim look after him.

My dh works full time in a stressful senior mgt role. He works away lots. I work 3 days and we have 2 little kids.

Dh makes his own breakfast and the kids when he is home in the morning. He will bathe, read stories to and out kids to bed when I am here.

I do most of the h/work but he does bins, garden, DIY, vacuuming and we do the bathrooms equally. We also tidy up around ourselves/kids and he empties the dishwasher mostly.

I think that is pretty normal.

I've seen various posts on here which show the calculation of how much a cook, cleaner, childminder, nursery assistant etc get paid, and how much a husband should 'pay' her for those tasks if she is a SAHM. I've never seen hair-washer included in the list though.

You wash his hair! I have never heard of a wife having to wash their dh hair! Breakfast in bed as a every now and then I can understand but everyday! I have been married 7 years, and yes even though I work 4 days a week a lot of the cooking and cleaning falls on me but I think that is quite natural, what you are having to do is basically look after a child not a husband! I think he would be far fetched to find anyone else to do so much for him! Look after yourself or you will end up running yourself into the ground xx

He is very jealous and threatened by your new-found confidence and obvious (to you now) intelligence.

He is very worried that you will go on to be more successful than him, not need him and leave him. Hence the mad baby making plans.

Therefore, as your ?rescuer? he must put you back in your box and keep you there, by making you a slave, by getting you pregnant.

He belittles you when you try and talk, sulks when he doesn?t get his own way and is never happy even when you try. That?s cruel. And no role model for your child.

Get the hell away and deffo do your degree.

OP - I can't offer much advice, but you asked up thread about what other people do.

I'm a SAHM/part-time student. I'm doing a Masters, so while the contact hours are low, it's essentially considered "full time" due to the outside work that needs doing.

DD1 is at school, DD2 is in childcare 3 days a week to allow for lectures & study. DH works from home twice a week to let me leave earlier (he drops DD1 to school those days), other days he's out of the house by 6am so he can be home for 5pm. I do most of the day to day housework/laundry cooking. DH hoovers, sorts out bins, baths the DDs, and mucks in here and there at weekends. We share lie ins at the weekend.

It's not perfect. He can be a bit critical and assume that if there's something he thinks should be done first, then it should be done first. I feel a bit put upon and unappreciated sometimes and possibly exaggerate how long things take . I make him tea some mornings when he's working from home, of if he's working late at night, but if I brought him breakfast in bed even on a special occasion he'd think I'd lost my mind.

It isn't easy juggling study & being a part-time SAHM, but it would be an awful lot harder without his support

Have to agree with waddle - you do deserve better than this, you deserve a relationship of equality and love and mutual respect, but I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the person who is SAHM/studying to do the overwhelming majority of the housework.

I am sympathetic. But I also put myself through a degree via evening study, so I could continue being an equal partner in terms of paying rent and bills; because we both worked, we both did household stuff. Nobody washed anybody else's hair. The 'triple burden' was v v hard for me, but I've graduated without being beholden to my abusive bastard ex and that is worth it a million times over. (I'm now a student single parent, and the happiest I've ever been. Would definitely recommend!)

If you hadn't mentioned that this was your DH at the start, I would have assumed you were talking about a teenager!
You say you don't want to be his mother but actually your actions and reactions are very 'maternal'

Sadly suspect that this could be a classic "rebound" relationship, and now that you have grown on further, discovered yourself, and have decent prospects opening up ahead of you .....he is now driving you crackers. If that is the case, then it may well just be all downhill from here. I don't hear much about love in your post.

I sacrificed a lot for my children, and their security, and have never been a believer in chasing dreams at the expense of family happiness....but this is not what you are talking about. There should be genuine support for you in forging ahead with education, because he should be delighted that you are 'shining' and support you all the way. Apart from anything else, this future represents an opportunity for long-term higher family income - and therefore possibilities!!. Sounds to me as though he is far more worried that you will outshine him, and would prefer you being tied to the kitchen sink.

Take time to examine everything, and be certain - because this is a second marriage, and your DC will be very affected if it is really over ....but honestly, if you do feel the way you have made it sound, then you are probably going to lead a better happier life without him as a drain on your emotions and resources.

it worked in my home like this -
I was doing a distance learning course with a baby under one and a toddler,
My dh took annual leave when a piece of work was due in, so that i could concentrate on my work without any distractions,whilst he looked after the house and kids, and made my dinner as well. when we didnt have a computer he took my hand written notes into work and typed them up for me in his lunch break.
And then he came with to my graduation.

Congratulations on doing so well at your law studies. Keep it up!

This just shows that your dad and XH underestimated your capacity and undermined you through their criticism.

You need to avoid getting into a situation with your DH in which he can undermine your capacity to study. That he doesn't value the effort of studying is a big red flag.

And writing off the school run as a "waste of time" - how dare he?

Having a baby with this man would be a big mistake.

Do you want your son to expect his wife to behave like you do with your husband? Do you want your son to behave like your husband if his wife tries to do anything different? How are you going to manage the process of bringing up a son who has the potential to be a good man and a good husband?

I hope it all works out for you.

He ought to be shouting from rooftops about his clever wife who had an idiot for a father and an abusive moron for an ex. As others have mentioned, getting you pregnant helps him retain control of you.

Very scary.

My DS is 8 and does more for himself with less whinging than your DH.

Sorry but you are allowing him to treat you like this (he shouldn't be) but no matter how much DH whined he would not get me washing him or his hair (well other than when he broke his shoulder) or making him breakfast in bed (other than on anniversaries or special occasions).

FFS I work although am off at the moment. I have a cleaner too. I tidy each day, do the school run, the ironing, washing, shopping, bake, make lunches, plan meals.

DH comes home from a job he does admit to liking - he is out of the house for over 12 hours factoring in his commute. He is happy to help with anything, running the kids about, loading and unloading the dishwasher, putting some washing out, ironing whilst watching the football etc etc etc.

He does this because we are a team, it is not bloody tit for tat. Why is he expecting you to make up for him making a shite choice with his degree course and why in gods name are you letting him.

And with all due respect (am 40 next year and pregnant so you do have time) do you really want a 10 year old and 2 babies to look after.

This has got my hormones going - I would spit in his tea and use his toothbrush to be cleaning the toilet.

When your son is a 40 year old virgin look back and blame yourself and your husband as any self respecting woman would run a mile from a man who thinks that she is going to cook him breakfast each day and wash him (WTF) - this is what you are teaching your son is normal behaviour from a man and a nice little subservient woman.

ok Lou, he hates his job, that's his problem to address.

he is jealous of your happiness and potential career, that's fucked up right there.

he shows you no respect, 2 of his 3 redeeming features on your list were things he didn't do, go out drinking and going out on his own?!

I had my last baby at 39, you have plenty of time for that, please persist your career, for yourself and your future with your son, because of it does go tits up, you can both have a much better chance of a great life.