Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

[alphacourse]

[akaWisey]

Cheering you on from the sidelines alpha.

It's true, you know, what was said upthread. Even if your P can't/won't change you CAN and you most definitely WILL if you give yourself a fighting chance.

[onefewernow]

Well done for making a decision for you.

You are back in control if your life.

[AnyFucker]

Love, you wouldn't have posted here if you were completely convinced that he was going to come through

You knew you were making a mistake to let him make all the decisions here. He lost that right when he disrespected his family. All the best x

[fredd]

Hello,

I am a lurker but couldn't refrain from posting after reading this thread.

I found out my husband was having an affair last year. I asked him to leave. After two weeks of being a complete bastard, he came back wanting to try again. It all developed from 'the script' etc. I subsequently went digging and hacked all email accounts, and found out he had also visited massage parlours for a massage with a happy ending. Nice. He also booked one prostitute and slept with her, twice. All in all this happened over a 3 year period. About 6 visits to the parlours, and then a 12 week full on affair.

Reasons? He was bored, wanted excitement, our children were 4 and 1 when all this started.

I have been analysing this for over a year now and my brain aches constantly.

I havent left. Yet.

The shock was far to great. And to be honest the shock still has not worn off. I still feel close to tears all the time. Cant listen to all my favourite music (makes me sad and cry) when I have precious time with my children I am staring at my iphone searching 'can my marriage survive infidelity' and looking how it can make some couples stronger.my life is slipping away before my eyes.

I have no idea what I am going to do. But whilst this insanity continues, my husband is daily begging for forgiveness, still. He admitted the whole truth in January. 10 months after I initially discovered the affair. Maybe this full admission unprompted was a little to late coming.

He said he was selfish, he never analysed what he was doing because he knows so many men who do it. He normalised it, justified it all for the sake of a quick wank. He said he never stopped loving me, whatever...

I dont think you don't have to decide anything yet. Just take each day as it comes and start by looking after yourself & making secret plans should the time come if and when you do feel ready to decide. I also have a rainy day fund,a secret stash of money which i add to daily/weekly every time i can. theres quite a bit saved now, its not deceitful in my eyes, just a little stash of independence to help me should i need to leave one day :) and a thank you to myself for being a sahm for 8 years ;) I am have also spent the last 15 months gaining a qualification so i can start looking for work asap.

xx

[AnyFucker]

fredd, your husband is a disgusting individual

staying with him will kill all your self respect

stop listening to his mealy-mouthed words and examine his actions

"so many men" do not do this, there are lots of men out there who wouldn't dream of trashing their family like this, nor do they hate women like he has demonstrated with his casual use of the sex industry, couching it as a "mistake"

vile, utterly vile

I hope you get out very, very soon

[alphacourse]

fredd sorry to hear you are going through this pain too.

I think I will have to bide my time a little to make a plan. He can be horrid when challenged (swearing/throwing things)

[Catheric]

You know you have a bolthole here if you need it. Be strong and ask for help if you need anything xx

[MissStrawberry]

OP, please make sure your children and you are safe at all times and maybe think about telling someone who could come round immediately if he turns nasty. Don't be afraid to ring the police if he gets violent. Throwing things would count as that I would think.

Good luck.

[alphacourse]

Thank you catheric - I hope it won't come to that though? I DO need to plan though. Does throwing things near you when you are feeding the baby and calling you a cunt in front of the DC count as DV?

[AnyFucker]

yes, yes, yes

[AnyFucker]

is cath a RL friend ? Take her up on her offer. Your husband is going to hurt you and/or the kids very soon. That is vile abusive behaviour.

Please ring Women's Aid and ask their opinion of it. They will tell you it is domestic abuse of a frightening level and likely to get worse, not better, when you start to stand up to this man.

That is not a reason to kow-tow to him of course, but you need some RL support, both from friends and professionals if he is throwing things near a baby and calling you a cunt.

Vile man.

[AnyFucker]

Please ask yourself why you have considered staying with a man like this. I am badly struggling to understand it. You need to protect your children. Firstly from his aggression and violence. Secondly, from the damaging lessons of "forgiving" actions designed to rip your family apart for his own selfish issues.

[TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong]

Alpha, yes it does.
(count as abuse)
Don't bide your time for longer than you have to. Or those babies of yours will have that kind of abuse of their mother as one of their earliest memories.

That's how I remember my Dad when I was little. With my Mum cowering in my bed.

The more you tell us about him, the more I think you are coming to realise what a screwed up, warped individual he is. And the more, I hope, you are coming to realise he has to go.

[TheBirdsFellDownToDingADong]

Fredd.

Sending you cyber strength as well.

[AnyFucker]

Where there is overt, sustained infidelity coupled with no remorse there is often a background of abuse too, IMO

I believe cheating on someone is abusing them...their trust, their self respect, their image of their own life

Not such a big leap that someone who does this and expects to walk right back in like nothing happened is also a common-or-garden abuser

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Oh OP, he sounds even worse now - an abuser as well as a cheater

There is no hope at all - protect yourself and DC by making plans to leave.

[Wellwobbly]

Yes, I firmly believe infidelity is abuse. I asked him why he and OW didn't just arrange to have me shot (we live in that kind of country) because it would have hurt less.

Squirrel away Alpha, squirrel. Take as much ££ as you can get away with. Open a bank a/c where he can't see it, or hide the money under a floor board somewhere.

You will do things when you are ready. If pretending you are get over it is what you need to get him off your back, you do that.

I am a firm believer that people will do things when they are ready and able. Women DO know what they are doing and what they need to do, and we need to respect their timetable and let them ruminate out loud.

Fredd - lived your life. It hurts!

[OctopusPete8]

I wouldn't waste the time or money,

How did you find out BTW?

[CinnamonAddict]

Bloody hell, OP,
I wouldn't think twice with this new information.
Throwing things in your direction when you feed the LO?
Get away from this class A Arsehole asap.

[onefewernow]

Does throwing things near you when you are feeding the baby and calling you a cunt in front of the DC count as DV?

Scratch everything I've said.

LTB, without a doubt.

He hates women. He really does.

[cannotfuckingbelievethis]

Part of me is reading this thread and actually hoping it's a wind up...

OP, leave, leave, leave. Get out now and go to any friend or family member that will have you.

[ImperialBlether]

OP, he's done such a number on you that you didn't consider telling us about his verbal abuse and throwing techniques in the original OP. Have you normalised this?

[alphacourse]

He threw a remote control at the wall to the left of where I was sitting (not at me - in my direction) within a week of me finding out. He called me a fucking cunt last week during an argument when DC2 and DC3 were in the room. And yes ryan - sadly all too real.