Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Why did you think this was ok ?

So he's abusive and a serial adulterer?

What else is there to say alphacourse? You know what to do and sharpish by the sounds of it.

Alpha, it doesn't matter if it was at you in your direction, he was clearly angry at you for finding out.

How long will it be before your children are old enough to copy what he says and does towards you?

There's nothing else to say, you cannot stay, it will grind you down to a shadow of yourself.

This man does not deserve you. The only way he might one day conceivably learn the lesson he needs to, is for you to end the relationship. And to never get back together with him.
He doesn't deserve forgiveness. You don't owe him that. Children deserve unconditional love, not partners. Your love should be given on the condition of respect, support, fidelity and honesty. He's lost the right to receive your love.

@ Alpha - the more you post the more you answer your own question.
Yes you could forgive, but why the hell should you? What will it cost you to "move forward" with him? What price will you pay? Your self respect, dignity, opportunity for a real love, your mental health? These are the questions you need to answer.

@Fred - I think you have already started to answer some of those questions and realised your OH is an oxygen thief. The only thing holding you back now is you.

Alpha, my H was a right pig for what he did, but he never, ever has called me names like that or thrown things at me.

Really, it is quite hard enough without that streak of personality to deal with too.

Yes - he sounds quite a catch now I have read it all in black and white. Grrr - it is such a lot to get my head around. So much has changed about what I thought we had v. The reality.

He is also uber moody. And quick to take offense. And charming. And loving. And affectionate. Grrrrrrrrrr

He's not even a bit sorry. He abuses you physically and verbally because you caught him. Come on! Do you want that for your life? He's an abusive, cheating fuckhead and he will never change.

OP, I am sorry. His actions show no love. Contempt and anger rather.

Please protect yourself and the children first.

Call WA and do speak to people in RL. You need support.

You are going to stay with him, aren't you ?

Someone in this much denial is nowhere near ready to leave a relationship.

I hope one day you wake up.

How can you forgive something like that? I'm genuinely asking as I know I never could

AF, remember it takes time.

Alpha will do things at exactly the pace she needs to do it. I have great faith in her.

It is VERY hard to get your head round the fact that he is not who you thought he was. God, that is hard.

I know, WW ( back atcha ). But Op does need to be honest with herself, if not with us.

AF - you had my back when I didn't even know it needed having.

I know I did, WW and you wouldn't bloody listen either

SM, they DO.

It is a fair shock to them when you suss that out.

Alpha it may help you to know that my H in counselling agreed with his counsellor that he used wit in order to divert and manipulate. And charm to get his own way.

We all suspect he is a little adhd - he runs at a million miles per hour with his business and multi tasks like a wizard. He is all bullshit and bravado and front though. Always an eye on the next big deal etc.

No, love, I think you have the armchair diagnosis all wrong

if we are talking amateur psychiatry, I would label him a narcissist

I totally agree - definitely a narcissist. Ex husband was too. My mum has certain traits (everything/every story always becomes about her). Hmmmmm - what does that say about me though?!

It says that the people around you are dysfunctional. What else ? It's why this situation is jarring for you, because it is not normal

It says that you would do well to get some counselling to work out how to cure your attraction to them.

You can see where it came from, but you really need to protect yourself from it.

The only thing I really gained from H's infidelity was an understanding about myself and a well hidden desire for approval and fixing others.

It can be unlearned.

I cringe when I read my early 2012 thread!