Alpha, you are kind, big hearted and generous in your selflessness.
I think you have been used to being the one to make things better for him because that is in your nature. He knows this and he is taking advantage.
I struggle with anxiety and depression. I think alotof that started when I met my ex in my 20's. he was good looking, smart, clever and all the things I thought I would never have in a boyfriend. A few months in, the emotional blackmail started, and I kept I ing in, believing that he was hurting and needed me. So I stayed and we to married, he kept on asking me, and in the end I said yes. I was 21. The day of our wedding I knew I had made a mistake, but I kept thing I went ino this and he needs me, so I stayed. For 10 years. In the end he cheated on me and that was way out. Thankfully we didn't have any kids. Your p's actions remind me of how my ex behaved. He minimised and got angry, said sorry, got more angry. In the end I just stopped communicating. I used to hear from him every so often, telling me if only I knew him now, how much he had changed blah blah. But, at the time, he would all, he'd be in the car outside his girlfriends place of work, waiting to pick her up. When I found out, I told him he hadn't changed at all and that I didn't want him to contact me again. Again, I got a few emails, but only when he wasn't well, in the end, it was just more emotional blackmail. Oi, remember me. I'm still here. Don't you forget about me. I deleted emails that came in and blocked him, so I don't hear anymore. My depression now is most definitely rooted in that experience. I kept trying o help. I gave everything of myself but he just kept taking and there was nothing in it for me at all. It is nearly 15 years ago that I left and about 13 since I to divorced, but it still affects me. I wish I had just blocked him sooner, got out sooner. He was another cake eater, but by putting up with it, I was almost like asking 'another piece?'
This is a long winded way of me saying you have to protect yourself and block him out as much as you can, in terms of you. You can't heal or decide anything if he is there tugging at your heart strings at every opportunity he get. You have to have contact for the sake of your DC, but you don't have to see him. Yes they need to see him, but it could be on your terms, not his.
You almost need to step out of yourself and look at it as if it was something that your best friend, or daughters were going through. Make a list of all the things that have happened in the last couple of years that have maybe niggled, and then how your ideal man would or wouldn't have behaved and how he has behaved. Maybe seeing it in black and white might help.
It won't take the pain or hurt away, but it might be that your hurting for someone who he actually isn't, maybe ever or maybe just anymore.
I'm probably not making much sense, but he has already let you down, affected your health and is relying on you to keep doing what he asks. Next time he tells you when he is coming over, just tell him it's not working for you, him coming over, especially at bedtime. Suggest he takes dc out somewhere. Or if he has to come to do bath time, you go out, consider him a babysitter. He comes in, you go. If he wants to do bath time, then ask him to sort his flat out so he can do at least dc2's bath time there and dc2 can have a sleep over. These are just maybe things to try, to protect yourself from his constant intrusion when you have asked for space.
Sorry for my long ramble.
I hope you get some rest tonight. xxx