Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

Well - at least all the tests are over and done with now. Just got to wait to see the neurologist for the results.

Tonight is the counselling. Have you any pointers as to how to approach it best? Shall I sit and wait for him to outline the issue, or shall I do it?

Sit back and listen, keep as quiet as possible it's not you with the issues do let him outline what he thinks is the problem and see if you agree.

Try very hard not to talk, have your buttons pushed or get involved.

Why? Because these men are extremely good at dodging the spotlight and silence will keep it on him, and it will let you see how good your counsellor is.

If she pulls you in, just say 'I would like some sort of explanation of why it is ok in his head to fuck other people whilst having a family'. or s/thing. Then more silence.

Right - that sounds like a good plan. I will let him start. There are a LOT of issues to discuss, however the 3 things I am more incredulous about are:

1. What on earth did he say to himself to allow him to leave his partner, who was wheelchair bound due to her pregnancy carrying HIS child, over night to have sex with some random.

1. When I saw the text last August between him and another woman, he went and slept with her AGAIN within weeks, even having seen how devastated I was.

1. The car crash of continued lies, deceit and hiding which have taken place since.

I'm not sure where she will start? But those 3 issues are upmost in my mind at the moment.

Well....I think it went OK. Wasn't sure when I came out, but have given it some thought since. The first 20 mins were anodyn. She then asked a few more challenging questions. He said that he had been incredible selfish, and even mentioned cake!! She challenged him about what level of openness he would consider acceptable and mentioned full disclosure. She wants to see each of us independently before seeing us both together. When he went to the loo during the session she said she understood that the lack of a fluid disclosure was an issue. She also told him very clearly that what I had asked and done (cracked emails) was totallt normal and to be expected etc.

In answer to your original question, no I don't think so.

It'll never be the same again that's for sure, I don't believe these people who say its better I simply don't.

Yes matilda I will. Not to help "us" but to help me.

mosman I think I agree. Perhaps some aspects of their relationship improves: communication, for example. But I can't see how it can be "better" without that original naïve trust.

Nice to hear the counsellor was savvy and put him in the wriggle chair.

It will be interesting to see (clue to his character) how long he can endure that and rise to the challenge.

Because THAT and not his past behaviour will be the clue to his future (and whether you have anything)...

I'm doing ok thanks - it is much easier now I have some space, even though I see him often for the kids. My smallest has been very unsettled in the evening for a week, so I haven't actually had a quiet night on my own yet. I suspect that will get hard.

I was surprised that he admitted selfishness yesterday, and also about having cake and eating it. I will see what happens after our individual sessions.

He hasn't tried to stay this week, or to be physical, which has surprised me too. He seems to understand that I need space and he has said to others that he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near us.

Feeling a bit resentfull this evening. The youngest 2 wouldn't settle until 9.10. He joined the sites just before I became pregnant with DC2. BEFORE. DC2 was planned. I feel like I was tricked into having the children with him. And now I'm left dealing with the evenings, and night weaning all on my own. I would never have agreed to have children with him if I had known!

Those children will bring you great joy though, I look at it that way ... Dickhead started his shenanigans before dc3 and 4 but would I be without them, certainly not.
I know exactly what you mean though, honestly I do, it's the lack of control over your own life, not knowing the full facts that's what stings.

I think that will come when DC3 is less of a booby monster, so I can have a chunk of time off. I agree I get the important stuff - the quality. I am just so damned angry that he was doing this BEFORE I became tied to him, via them, forever! He took my informed choice away!

If it makes you feel any better mine did that and then relocated me to Australia ... Took two kids out of grammar schools, I gave up a £40,000 job I loved to do one I hate all for his self esteem which it seems wax sky ducking high all along

mosman I take no pleasure in not being the only one in this position, but thank you for understanding and empathising. I too gave up my very well paid, very senior, Government advising role in order to bear his children. I relocated too, but not internationally. Our positions are very similar I think (I am not sure if you had a thread about it?)

Oh I know you don't I was being flippant sorry. It's utterly shit what these bastards do isn't it. Never never again I'm afraid I am now so selfish and will live like that for the rest of my life now, he's completely ruined that aspect if me.

Sigh....it is just so damned selfish and cake eating. He is here this evening seeing the children. He has certainly been different since he has moved out. I think until now he had hoped he could talk his way out of it. I think the reality has sunk in at last!