Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

well that went a bit wrong! He had a stressful day as an important seal went belly up. Both smallies wouldnt settle. As DC2 started to go off, DC1 started shouting about her book and woke them back up again. He went off on one. I told him to leave. Am sat sobbing again.

Alpha, forgive me asking this

Why is he seeing the dc in your house ?

this kind of drama would not be happening (or at least you would not be the one constantly mopping up the shit) if he was having contact at his current abode

this honestly is why you need to detach and make him feel the actual consequences of the choices he has made, and continues to make

I find it interesting that in the catalogue of things that went wrong this evening, first on your list is that he had had a stressful day

can you see what I am saying ?

please stop dancing to his tune

AF It is because of DC3 being so tiny still. She can't go there yet. I hear what you are saying, but I'm not sure how to actually DO it.

Keep dc3 with you and send the older ones ?

I know I sound starkly practical, but this isn't going to work is it ?

Can you explain why you put his bad day top of your list as explanation why it went horribly wrong and your children's natural unsettledness (in the current circumstances) a very obvious second and third ?

The reason why it went belly up isn't because the children wouldn't settle, it was because he came in stressed so was short tempered.

I could send DC2 and keep DC1 and DC3 with me, but that would mean he would get to see her. She is the tricky one as she is very attached to me and still so tiny.

So you and all the dc have to pussy foot around in future when he is "stressed" ?

is this how family life panned out BA (before adultery) ?

because I don't see much in this for you, and he still gets to be Mr Swinging Dick

With retrospect, yes, that was what it became like BA. I am easy going and tend to understand the emotions of others. He is quick to misinterpret others in a negative way, and is quick tempered. I agree that I can't see that there is much in it for me - so how did I come to put up with this? I wasnt like this before I was with him!

Even if I wasnt BF DC3, she wouldnt be happy being away from me yet - she likes to be able to see me all the time! My first 2 weren't like that! Because there is only 19 months between the smallies, it has tended to work out that when HE is here he deals with DC2 and I deal with DC3. that means he hasnt bathed her, or got up with her in the night, or changed her bum often or even fed her!

Then that will have to change

he is just so damned selfish. He was going to order an Indian whilst the kids were settling so we could have a chat about practicalities etc. He started shouting at DC1 so I told him that I didn't think he was in the right frame of mind to talk, and he ought to leave. He left and took himself out to the restaurant to eat and then went to the pub. When he left DC3 was still screaming. He left me with a screaming child, no dinner and no wine.

lovely

and he expects you to still bend over backwards to accomodate him seeing the dc in your home ?

even though it doesn't appear to be for their benefit at all

Exactly. DC2 is always delighted to see him, but if I just say "Daddy's at work" he doesn't ask any more. I need a strategy I think. We were meant to be all going out together tomorrow afternoon. I have just told him that won't be happening.

Really ?

A cosy Indian takeaway this evening and a family day out tomorrow ?

What were you thinking ?

I don't know! He suggested getting food on while we talked. It seemed like a reasonable suggestion. Tomorrow afternoon was for the children. I need to stop doing what is best for others don't I?

I just counted - I got 33 texts from him today. That is pretty normal.

You are still acting like you have a marriage to him, alpha

he calls the shots, you go along with it

haven't things changed at all ?

You are right.

My rain feels fogged. What should I do?

decide

do you still want to be married to him

I don't think you have established that yet

but first, sleep on it, love

you have had a rough night, the latest in a long line of rough days and nights at the hands of your disgusting excuse for a husband

you have done the right thing in cancelling in the faux Happy Family Day tomorrow

sleep on the rest of it x

Hi alpha

Sorry to hear he's being so difficult still.

He's an idiot for walking out on you that way. He acts like he's coming over to do you a favour.

After he walked outon you when you blacked out, i was but since then, he's sat in a counsellor's office and said he's selfish but he still couldnt put you and his DC before his own problems. he sounds like a stroppy teenager, not a grown up at all. It's like he got annoyed because your dc needed your attention and it wasn't focused solely on him.

And 33 texts per day suggests he isn't really Giving you the space you have asked for.

I'm worried that he's trying to wear you down, but when you need help when he's there and can see how hard it is for you, he walks out.

Is it possible, you can meet somewhere neutral to discuss practicalities? Or discuss them by email? Everything still seems to be on his terms.

Would it be better if he saw them, at another time of day. My dc are so tired by the end of the day, that if we don't stick to the bedtime routine, we have tears and tantrums. By him coming in the evening, DC2 probably gets over excited, and rob ably doesn't want to o to bed as his daddy is there and he hasn't him for a while. If your ex came during the day, he could take them out to the park, for a walk or whatever, so you can get some time to, I don't know, go to the toilet in peace or whatever it is you need. That way he doesn't need to come in and cause a scene and unsettle everyone. Just an idea really. Andifhe can't come during the week, then he needs to plan to come at the weekend, on one day. He chose to do this to you all, and he can't expect it all to stay the same as it was.

Look after yourself. (((Hugs))) Xxx

You are right - I haven't decided. I don't understand why? Perhaps because I didn't see it coming at all. It was a mind fuck - totally. We were best friends who shagged like rabbits! It is like I keep waiting for him to make it right?

How can it be right again ?

it would go back to how it was before, and that all kinds of wrong ie. he was all kinds of wrong

he isn't doing anything to change is he ?

he is all still about himself...he got stressed, the kids played up so he walked out leaving you high and dry

do you want a relationship like that...because that is what you would get

actions lovey, always the actions you should be examining

they don't bode well...from start to finish, I am afraid

the arrogance of this man

he should be bending over backwards to please you right now, and this bollocks is the best he can do ?

Alpha.

You don't have to decide whether you want him back yet or not.

But, at the moment, he gets to play tennis, go out, do whatever, get unbroken sleep at night, come over and play at being dad, and when the going gets tough, he gets to leave. He doesn't have to experience your reality at all. Even when he is there and the kids are kicking off, as kids tend to do, he can just walk, and he does. In my opinion, that's not him trying very hard at all.

He has it very easy at the moment. He thinks going to counselling is enough to appease you. He really is very good at being a twunt!

Xxxx

Sorry AF, I keep cross posting with you! Except you put it much more succinctly than I ever could.