Can I forgive this much deceit?

[alphacourse]

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

He took a lot more things when he came today. Not everything, but I will pack the rest over the next couple of days. There is NO way he would leave his keys! I can't change the locks as it is rental. He wont come in without me knowing though _ he is too busy with work etc. I am much better today thanks - so strange how you have up and down days. It helps that I am busy as my parents are here. Have plans this week, apart from the hospital on Tuesday. Both smallies have a cold at the minute though. When I saw him today it felt awkward. He is still planning on us going to counselling on Wednesday. What do you think?

I can't change the locks as it is rental.

You are quite within your legal rights to change the locks on a rental property, as long as you provide the landlord with a key when you move out.

Standard tenancy agreements now cover this and specify that the tenant must not change the locks without the landlords permission. Also, if I start down that track I suspect he would stop paying the rent?

Yes - I agree with you - I would have nothing to lose personally if I go would I? It might help clarify some of the issues in my head, and it might help communication, which can't be a bad thing as I will need to communicate with him regarding DC if nothing else!

Were they joint sessions or individual ones?

I agree, the joint sessions - sitting there listening to him lie and then turn to the counsellor and say "he didn't get rewarded for telling the truth" how I didn't knock his block off I don't know but equally it was like a parting of the Red Sea moment.
I wouldn't have missed that for the world :-)

Schmaltzing, wow. Can you remember the actual things the counsellor said?

Loving that story - loving loving loving it. I soooo hope ours is as good. I would imaging she will have plenty of scope for pointing out how shit he has been post discovery if nothing else! Can't think she will be impressed by his continued secretiveness and password changing etc.

Tell us what happens Alpha.

came off the fence and just said everything I wanted to but with devastating clarity and without H being able to manipulate. He laid H's future bare, it was a magnificent moment.

Ooooooh, please remember!

Alpha - re locks - can you just get landlord's permission? It's not cheap to get a locksmith, but relatively easy to DIY if your landlord is that way inclined or you know someone who could do it.

I'm actually looking forward to Wednesday now - thank you!! I have my EEG tomorrow so may not be around much then. Thanks Matilda - not as much help as I would like to offer, but I believe in paying forward iykwim? I never thought I would need this support, so if I can pay back/forwards I will do whatever small things I can.

I have NO idea . I am nervous as I am allergic to the most frequently used sedative - but I am sure it will be fine. 3 hour test though!

Hello again.

Alpha, good luck tomorrow and also for Wednesday. Wishing for some clarity and peace for you. Xxx

Schmaltzing, your counsellor sounds great. I'm pleased that you experienced your ex making a twat of himself in front of someone else. They can sometimes play you so badly that ou actually start believing you are the problem. I mean they just deflect onto you, and if t wasn't heartbreaking it would actually be amusing. Here's to a happy twunt free future for you. I remember that 'lightbulb' moment from when I left my ex and it was sad but also such a sense of relief that it was him and not me.

Take care
Xxx

He is coming with me today (with DC3). I took great pleasure a couple of weeks ago when he came with me to my neurology appointment and he had to explain WHY I had been under a great deal of stress. The look the neurologist gave him was priceless. I am hoping to re-live that today, his toe curling embarrassment and shame as he has to explain what he has done and face the physical impact it has had on me!