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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I forgive this much deceit?

707 replies

alphacourse · 25/06/2013 06:45

I am trying to figure out whether I can stay,have couples counselling, and try and work things out. Or....whether it is just too much betrayal and deceit. My mind swings between the 2 on a twice daily basis.

Background: DP has cheated on me with 2 women. He met with each one 4/5 times during my recent pregnancies. He has also met up for drinks with a few more. He met then through married affair websites.

I found out about the websites 10 weeks ago, and about the women 3 weeks ago. He followed the usual script of denial, deleting, minimising etc. Then I was contacted by a woman and he had to come clean.

He has started psychotherapy to deal with his issues. He says it was about the buzz of getting girls to be impressed by him.

How do I work out what to do for the best? Obviously he is desperate to work things out. I am prepared to listen at the minute. We have 3 DC. 2 are very small. Help me to make sense of this please!

OP posts:
Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 11:33

Just at the housing office to see what my options would be - all a bit sureal to be honest. Best plan for a worst case scenario and take it from there. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 13:02

wobbly you are right, as always. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to get any of this. I am planning my life. Trying to anyway! So tricky as the DC are so young though.

OP posts:
SomerzetMun · 23/08/2013 15:23

Alpha I only found out when I saw a VERY large mobile bill, the itemisation page was missing. Luckily I knew his online passwords and saw £100 of text charges and £150 gone from the joint account
Part of his defence was so laughable ' most of those sites are a con, you aren't talking to one woman but a call centre as their messages don't add up' smallest violin in the world being played for that one!
Well today I did the first something for ME something I've wanted to do since I was 18, I've got a tattoo and last week I had a stuff you sunshine haircut
Going to counselling soon as I was suffering from depression/anxiety before I discovered his deceit and was already on anti depressants.
I have good days and bad days, I tackle one hard thing a day, today thanks to my tattoo is a good day.

Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 20:45

he is moving out properly tomorrow. Tonight is the last night of us officially living together. gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 22:10

I cant stop crying. This is normal isnt it? If he turned up now I am scared I would bury myself in his arms and hold on for dear life. When did he become this stranger? How was I so blinded by love and trust that I didnt see it? How on earth would I ever trust again?

OP posts:
JoAlone · 23/08/2013 23:00

Wine Somer

JoAlone · 23/08/2013 23:05

[hug emoticon] alpha stay strong. It is quite surreal, baby steps, some very much harder than others. Sad

It took him 2 years, because he never admitted to it, he kept on telling me I was negative, and always saw him in a negative light. So when a new victim woman arrived on he scene, and he spilled his guts to her, and she still accepted him, he came round one night to have a discussion about something else, and I refused to discuss anything else till he came clean with me. It was good to know the truth, as much as it hurt, because it put a face to the man I had been married to for so many years and never really knew.

SomerzetMun · 23/08/2013 23:20

Hugs to you Alpha, when he is out of your personal space and you have time to breathe you will feel better even though right now it does not feel like it.
i am mourning for what I lost, it is like a death in the family the one I thought existed died the day I found out, I don't miss the stranger he has become.

Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 23:22

I bet you felt a sense of relief, even though it hurt? He has been sending me texts all evening saying how sorry he is,that it is all his fault, how he wants us but realises he has fucked up beyond reprieve. It is so hard. I have told him I have let him go. That it is OK to want something different. My head is hurting from the pain of letting go.

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Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 23:25

sent you a message somerzet xx

It is mouring. And I know he is too. I feel broken.

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Original poster
alphacourse · 23/08/2013 23:29

I need to back away from the phone

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SomerzetMun · 24/08/2013 00:49

I hate the regret texts/emails I am getting at the moment i feel like a total bitch rejecting his attempts at reconciliation, but at the same time I know that his actions were totally selfish and hindsight is 20/20 vision and if he had realised it sooner he may have had a chance
TBH to have him back now would turn me into his psycho stalker daily checking his phone and intent use, not a person I want to be to feel safe in my own home.
We are Mums so we are lionesses when it comes to our pups so we have an inner power no man can have, I just need to channel that part of me to survive.
One day at a time Alpha that's all we need to do right now xx

Wellwobbly · 24/08/2013 07:22

Alpha, please don't waste years of your life smoking the hopium pipe like I did!

Look at what he is DOING not what he is SAYING.

'but realises he has fucked up beyond reprieve. ' MEANS 'so I don't have to DO anything, but maybe I can manipulate you into feeling sorry for me and having me back' (so it is all back on you again)

DOING? A generous financial settlement. A contract paying you £££££ should he ever betray you again. Telling you what counselling he is attending, what the issues are that have come up, and what HE is WORKING ON to move away from his previous coping behaviours...

Not doing any of that? Naaaah, didn't think so.

You are in a time of mourning for what was lost, even if it was never true. It hurts Alpha, so much! Now: what are you working on, in you? What red flags in the past did you miss? What about him did you ignore? What does that say about you?

Lizzabadger · 24/08/2013 11:30

Alpha I suggest you read everything you can on Narcissistic Personality Disorder so you really understand what you are dealing with.

Original poster
alphacourse · 24/08/2013 11:39

Thank you wobbly I will look at the site and work on me. There were loads of red flags, I need to work out why I put up with them and ignored them.

With regards to your doing list: he is actually doing most of those. He brings me the receipts from him counsellor each week, and copies me into the confirmation emails for the appointments. He makes a list of what they discussed each week and then comes back and talks it through with me. He has a list of things he wants to work through, and outlines what progress they make on each of them. He has signed an agreement regarding finances, and signed the car over to me etc.

Thank you Lizza - I do need to do that as my mum has narc traits, as did my ex H and my DP certainly has!

I need to work out why I try and fix things, and hold things together in order to avoid upset. Why I would rather avoid confrontation than challenge an issue. It is really confusing as my job has always been one which involves confrontation with people and challenging peoples behaviour! How can I do that as a job, but not be able to do that when I am emotionally involved?

OP posts:
Wellwobbly · 24/08/2013 11:42

Well that is good.

Maybe in 3 years if he REALLY works and DEMONSTRATES change, you can hook up again and be better than before.

My narcissist worked - until the moment he discovered exactly how much humility and remorse was required. The shut down happened soon after.

Stay out of the firing line Alpha. The space he has now is important.

Original poster
alphacourse · 24/08/2013 18:45

Well, that was the hardest morning I've had so far. He has moved into his flat. But he doesn't seem to have taken anything with him?! A couple of jumpers, 2 jeans etc. The rest is all here still! Was a gibbering mess last night and this morning. More composed again now.

OP posts:
ShineyBlackShoes · 24/08/2013 18:56

Believe me you will be better off without him.
My ex- husband started an affair when I was 3 months pregnant and I continued for years including right through my second pregnancy. He lied, cheated, spent money on, and time with her instead of me and our DCs. I found out, and walked out taking just the kids. He divorced for this but it was the best move I could have made.
No one should be so disrespected. You will be far happier in time.
Be kind to yourself.

Lizzabadger · 24/08/2013 19:28

It's going to be really hard for now but stick it out and keep contact to a minimum (and no checking Facebook etc.). Things will get a whole lot better.

JoAlone · 24/08/2013 21:11

I agree with Liz, both Alpha and Somer block them on fb, these men are no longer your frineds, and you need to protect yourself from any medium that will cause pain to you, having to deal with them is painful enough. Def read, and reread What Wellwobbly has said, I echo her post.

But also Flowers and Wine to both of you. You are almost past the worst bit, keep on moving forward, one step at a time. Thinking about the two of you. When you have emotional energy there are a lot of really good links on this site, one ofthe best ones that helped me was the 'lovefraud' one.

MoreThanWords · 24/08/2013 21:19

Why hasn't he taken any of his stuff?? I'd be bagging it up and dumping it outside for him to collect. otherwise every time he comes back to collect another "couple of things" it cuts you like a knife again.

Take charge. Easier said than done - I know - but fake it 'til you make it!

Mosman · 24/08/2013 22:09

Has he left his keys with you ? You want those back ASAP, he doesn't live there any more so he knocks the door like every other visitor.

3HotCrossBuns · 24/08/2013 23:28

I think you have shown amazing strength. I wish I had half of what you have - very well done at sticking to what you need to do. I'm impressed as its incredibly difficult. This is the worst bit but I read somewhere (probably MN Wink) that is like childbirth and you just need to grit your teeth for one last push to get through to the other side. Hope that's not too gory an image Wink

mumat39 · 24/08/2013 23:40

Alpha (((hugs))) and Thanks for you.

Today must have been really tough, but you got through it. You really are doing so so well.

Hope you sleep well and that tomorrow is better.

Xxx

JoAlone · 25/08/2013 15:24

Alpha and Somer hope you are both ok today. I agree with Mosman, you want him really to take all of his stuff. Him only taking a few things is another game, it gives him the right to come back any time he 'needs' to, and with all his stuff there, he hasn't really committed to moving out. It's a big cut, but it's better than it being dragged out. Also, make sure he gives you his keys, don't give him forwarning, just ask for them when he is next there. This is a difficult one as he my ex used to have a set to my flat because he used to collect and drop DD off when I wans't here, or come here to look after her when she was ill, but then she was 14, so hopefully you will not have any similar issues. If he refuses to give you the keys, simply change the locks, it is a piece of mind investment.